Follow Your Gut - #18

Format: Long-term project, though not intentional till a few months in.
Goal: Make decisions using my instincts, not my thoughts or more superficial emotions.
Goal met? More or less. And even less, in this case, is way more useful than any other kind of decision-making.

So here's what happened...
This project came about kind of on accident.

Long story short (we both know that's a lie; it's not going to be short): I was dating this really marvelous guy. He wanted to marry me. I kind of wanted to marry him -- my head said it was a great decision and my emotions agreed. My gut, however, kept going "No," in that obey-or-die voice your mom used on you when you were three.

The whole head-heart-gut disagreement is obnoxious and exhausting, particularly when a boy is involved. One night in the middle of everything, when I was overthinking and overfeeling and up way too late with anxiety, I remembered how nice and peaceful my acting classes had felt during our mindful breathing /body awareness warmups.

Photo by crdotx via Flickr.

 "Hey," I thought. "I'm probably freaking out because I haven't recharged in a while."

So I breathed. The goal with conscious breathing is to focus only on your breathing. It's a game -- you count how many breaths you can take before your attention wanders. It took a while, but finally I settled into that calm space where it feels like everything on the inside of me is melting away into everything outside of me and it's all one big sameness. And with that sameness, my muscles relaxed like they hadn't in a month or so and I got a very distinct voice giving me some advice.

"Be still," it said. Just that. "Be still." No "And know that I am God" or anything... Just the advice to be still, with the understanding that things would work themselves out and that it would all be okay. I texted my boyfriend an excited "Omg I totally just had an epiphany!" and he was like, "Um... okay... cool?" because it's very hard to explain these things to people who haven't had them with you.

And then life sped up again and stuff happened and it was all very dramatic, but I managed to hold onto the still sameness feeling in the moments when it was really critical. And that still feeling always, always tells me to follow my gut. Heck, I think maybe that feeling is my gut.

Over the next couple weeks, my head/heart/gut had a lot of pretty important conversations. Like this one:

Head: You could probably marry this boy for X, Y, and Z reasons. However, you should wait a while and see what happens, and in the meantime work on your job prospects. (Sometimes my head really doesn't get that there's an emotional crisis going on.)
Heart: We really love him and he's being nice and you're going to hurt him!
Gut: Nope. This isn't right. Let him go. It'll be okay.

I followed my gut, let the boy go with all my best wishes, and faced an uncertain and intimidating future with a long-absent calm that told me it had been a good decision.

A few weeks later I found myself hanging out with a friend. We'd had this weird friendship for years that was mostly peppered by a lot of "But does s/he like me like me?" awkwardness.

Head: You are going to be sensible and not kiss this man. You're going to stay single and pursue your professional goals. We decided not to marry the last boy. We should probably not be going there with this one. Besides, we do not do rebound relationships.
Heart: I'm scared. Boys are scary. Relationships are scary. We're bad at relationships. It is way too soon to be kissing anyone!
Gut: Kiss that boy. You love him.

I got quiet and followed my gut. Good decision. ;) A while later:

Head: Are you crazy? You are going to have an established career and probably a mortgage before you get married. The decision-making areas of your brain aren't fully formed until age 25, and studies have shown that women who delay marriage until that age have more stable blah blah blah...
Heart: I love him! I'm in love with him! Marriage is super scary! Aah! Identity crisis! But I love him! But it's scary! But he's so wonderful! What am I doing? Aah! Love! Fear! Infatuation! Insecurity! Feeeeelings!
Gut: Marry him.

Photo by Emily-White via Flickr.

I knew by this time where the good decisions were, and how useless it is to follow anything but my gut. Ever since that first moment where I got the message to be still and got quiet enough to realize what was going on inside me, I've been making most of my decisions like this. I took a lower-paying but more consistent job because it felt better in my gut. We got an apartment with a friend instead of getting one by ourselves. That's still in the beginning stages, but so far, good decision. I got a strong gut message to keep working on my homeschooling website, and some clarity about where it needs to go from here. So far, these have all been good decisions, and paid off in ways I didn't expect.

If I don't follow my gut, everything else falls out of whack. If I do, one beautiful thing falls into place after another, and one day I wake up married to quite literally the man of my dreams and on my way to the kind of future I'm actually daring to admit I want.

Try this: 
Listening to your gut, much of the time, involves literal physical feelings. Your gut really can "tie itself in knots," your heart can "burst out of your chest," something can "give you a headache," and you really can be "sick to your stomach."

In Martha Beck's fabulous book, Finding Your Own North Star, she has detailed exercises in Chapters 2 and 3 that are designed to help you realize when your instinct and body are telling you "Yes" or "No." They're great exercises and I do them whenever I need a refresher. (You can find Finding Your Own North Star at any library or purchase it through Amazon or by clicking the linked title in this post. It's worth owning.)

Here's an abridgment of the exercise, which works pretty well in a pinch. (Note: It's important to do the "no" exercise first, so the "yes" can bring you out of it and into a better mood. Doing "no" last can throw off your whole day.)

1. Scan your body. 
See how you're feeling today, what your emotions are like, and where any tension is. Breathe in and out a few times, focusing on the breath, and try to relax. Once you've done that, scan again and see how you're feeling. You don't have to change anything dramatic -- just take note of where you're at, physically and emotionally.

2. Find your "no" feeling

Photo by BLW Photography via Flickr.

Think of the worst, most stressful situation ever. This can be a real situation in your life or one you've never experienced but that makes you very, very worried. Now make it worse. Layer on something terrible. I'm not talking tragedies here, just a series of stressful things and people. Imagine yourself with a few people who make you nervous and uncomfortable (that super-perfect friend you can't get away from?), somewhere you hate (a boring job that makes you feel like your life is dribbling away into a meaningless void?), doing something that exhausts you (making small talk?), and you've just made a really stupid mistake (just said something snarky about your boss... and s/he was standing right behind you?). Imagine everything about the situation just feels wrong and you're stuck in it. Really imagine it. Go out of your way to feel like you're actually there. The goal is to be somewhere you do not want to be.

For me, this situation looks like this:

I'm at a baby shower (I feel awkward at these things, regardless of how excited I am for the new mom) with a really bubbly, talented, and needy acquaintance, a woman I used to babysit for, and a woman I used to work with. I just wasted two hours and a ton of gas trying to find this party, had an argument with my mom, and have to stay at this thing for two whole hours before I have to leave to a job I hate and that doesn't pay me enough. Everyone is looking at me and I don't know what they're expecting.

Once you find that feeling, figure out what's changed in your body. For me, this means my sternum feels like it's receded back into my chest till it's practically touching my spine. My stomach clenches up in knots and my solar plexus chakra turns into a hard, vibrating lump of goo. I slouch and try to withdraw into myself, and a bunch of tension shows up in my neck and shoulders.

For you, this may mean a jittery stomach, tension between your eyes, or a sudden headache. Whatever it is, notice this feeling. Really figure out how it's playing out and memorize it so you can recognize it later.

3. Let it go.
Relax as much as you can. Take some deep breaths, get up and dance around, and let as much of the "no" feeling as you can disappear. If it doesn't go away completely, that's okay -- the next step will clear it out.

4. Find your "yes" feeling.
This is exactly like finding your "no," but in reverse. Imagine yourself with people who make you feel like your best self (your sister and that really optimistic acquaintance you don't really know but who always makes you feel better about life?), in a place where you feel relaxed and happy (your backyard on the Fourth of July?), doing something that always gives you a ton of energy (talking enthusiastically about Pokemon? Don't laugh; this works for my little brother!). Imagine that the weather is perfect, that everyone is in a fabulous mood, that you have no deadlines or pressure, and that you can hang out here for as long as you want, no worries. This is somewhere that makes you feel like your best self.

For me, this means:

I'm sitting in a garden with my best friend, my husband, and a small handful of friends from the local theater who I always have amazing conversations with. The weather is gorgeous and calm, I've been taking down notes for a novel while we've been talking, and my husband is gently playing with my hair. I've had a productive day and can now sit down and give all my energy to the deep conversations and beautiful evening that surround me. Everyone is relaxed and in a good mood.

Photo by mikebaird via Flickr.

Now notice what's happened to your body. When I'm in this happy place, all my muscles get soft and flexible and a bubble expands behind my sternum till it's pressing on the inside of my ribcage. I can feel a smile starting and my neck is loose and relaxed. All my limbs feel longer.

For you, this may mean your hands start to feel loose and expressive, or you get a huge grin, or your heart feels big. Whatever it is, take a minute to fully enjoy and experience the sensation. Notice everything about it and get its whole texture.

5. Remember those physical sensations.
Make sure both you remember both your "no" and "yes" feelings. Give them names (I just use "shrink" and "expand" to explain what happens to my sternum) and lodge them in your memory.

From here on out, start to notice when they show up. Does your "yes" feeling appear whenever you get talking to a coworker? Does your "no" feeling start to show up during family vacations? Take note of these physical feelings -- they're your subconscious conveying to you what you really feel and want.

It sounds simple, but the fastest path I've noticed to good decisions and a happy life is following those two signals. I pursue things that make me feel "yes" and move away from things that make me feel "no." I've been living by this consciously for about six months now, and it hasn't steered me wrong.

Coming Soon...
Possibly a series of experiments on women and religion... possibly more fun 'n' games with manifestation... We'll see.

The BIG Secret No One Wants To Tell

I watched this video a few days ago. I posted it on Facebook and on an online forum I've been participating in. The response was enormous. Several people told me that the video threw them for a loop. The people on the forum got into one of the most personal discussions about depression and suicide I've seen there. A friend sent the video to her sister, who's been going through some crazy stuff. Another friend said it made her cry. It emboldened me to really consider whether telling my secret will be worth it. And it's worth taking 20 minutes out of your schedule to watch all the way--promise. Like TED says, this is an idea worth spreading.

Inspired to Gratitude

People are so nice.

Steve Pavlina (yes, I've already linked to his site about 45 times) has been blogging lately about subjective reality and following intuition and I liked a fair bit of it and decided to follow my intuition more often. It's turning out splendidly so far.

Today I had a warm fuzzy pleasant result. I posted a note on Facebook and tagged a bunch of people, thanking them for their creative contributions to my life. I've felt compelled for a few days to casually thank all those folks I admire/stalk who do exciting artistic things and whose work I follow like I'm some kind of groupie, which may not be far from the truth. (I have some pretty amazing, creative friends and acquaintances. Which is happy-making.) So I did that, and I felt good about it -- seriously, artists/actors/singers/writers/etc-ers do so much for not much appreciation, and appreciation is a lifeblood of creativity -- and in, like, an hour, I got so much love and affection and gratitude back... Which hadn't been my intent but was lovely.

Follow your inspiration... It lives to make everyone happy.

Images by Ian Sane™ and psd.

Happiness is...

I have a cat asleep on my feet. 

Images by CarbonNYC, meddygarnet, Snap®, j_silla, emrank and Carrie'sCamera.

Gratitude - #7

Format: 1-week challenge

Goal: When praying, do not ask for anything

Goal met? No. But I got results anyway.

Terms you should know:

Prayer - In my case, a formal addressing of God. (Well, sort of formal. I sound like Tevye sometimes...) In your case... could be anything that addresses God/Goddess/Source/Universe/Higher Consciousness/etc.

So here’s what happened:

I'm not what I would call extremely religious. I don't talk about church stuff unless it's a church topic, I watch movies on Sunday, and I'm actually pretty uncomfortable discussing God with most people. I do, however, pray regularly, and highly recommend this practice, whatever your deity or religious beliefs. I think most people believe in a higher power of some sort --- even if it's their own best self --- and I think formally addressing and stating what you're thankful for and what you want from that higher power is pretty worth doing.

Which leads to the experiment. I realized that most of my prayers are like, "Thanks for this and this and I want this and this and this and this and please bless them and them and them and them and I want this and this..." It's basically a horribly demanding shopping list, and, I'm not gonna lie, most of it doesn't make a difference --- usually because I'm praying for things I don't actually think I'm going to get, or things that I want because I'm so afraid of not getting them.

Operating from fear/doubt = ineffective.

So all my prayers for the week are going to be full of things I'm thankful for and nothing else (with the exception of praying for a friend who's dealing with cancer, 'cause that trumps all).

Day 1: I am not very good at this. But I don't feel so powerless. It's like, "Well, if I don't ask, God's not going to give me this so I might as well get off my butt and do it myself." Win. Maybe illogical, but win. Also, it's very difficult to not ask for things for other people. I'm used to praying for my family a lot and that's against the rules now. But, as I said, empowering.

Day 2: Really enjoying this. Again, keep wanting to pray for family and/or my grades, but I'm only slipping up, like, 50% of the time.

There's something weirdly Law of Attractionish about this. The LoA functions on emotional wavelengths, and gratitude is one of the most positive energies you can send out. I'm actually finding things coming to me more easily. Little invaluable stuff... getting extensions on homework, test alternatives for tests I was worried about, having enough time to do homework and play too, making a brief but lovely connection with someone I'm interested in, etc. I can't categorically say that it's all because of this experiment... but I can't say it's not, either. I'm just feeling more positive and empowered generally and it's bound to ripple.

Day 6: Freaking. Awesome. Week. Like, really, it's been a good week. Unusually good. Roommate has been unusually quiet (she snores). I've been unusually happy. I've had some unusually magnificent insights (see previous post). My days have gone unusually well. I've had unusually abundant synchronicities. Heck, I was walking across campus today, thought, "My life would be easier if I had cash right now" and literally less than thirty seconds later looked down and saw a $1 bill lying in the deserted parking lot. And it's been like that all week. Or maybe I'm just not noticing the bad stuff. Whatever. It's awesome.

Again: Law of Attraction. "Like attracts like." Operating from a positive, grateful base is a lot better than coming from a negative, angry one. Everyone likes you more when you're positive, including the Universe.

I've been slipping up like mad --- mostly in the areas of praying for family --- but it doesn't really matter. 90% of every prayer is all thanks and it's illuminating. My sense of entitlement is slipping away and I'm more okay when things suck. It's like, "Hey, what can you expect without divine intervention? But look at the crocuses! Isn't God nice?"

Which is pretty much fantastic.

I'm making this a habit.

Try this:

1. Do I really have to explain this one to you?

Well, okay, if you're not in the habit of praying, maybe so. (Also, if you're uncomfortable with the term prayer, you can totally rename it. Gratitude session works just as well.)

Find a quiet place where you're not going to be bugged for, like, three minutes (which is harder for some of us than others, I know). Address whatever higher power you believe in if that feels right to you; if not, come up with some other sort of beginning.

[Sidebar: I really do think it's important to formally do this. Developing a generally grateful attitude is awesome, but it's a heck of a lot easier to do once you adopt this practice.]

Then say thanks. For big stuff or little stuff, it doesn't matter; just list it and think about it and why you're grateful for it and how it makes you feel. Do it out loud if you can. Putting things into sound makes them a lot more real.

Whenever you feel like you're done for now, close the prayer/gratitude session somehow. My religion invokes deity again; you may be in the habit of a straight-up "Amen" or want to come up with something of your own. Again, whatever works. And just thanks. No asking for things, no qualifying ("Thanks that it was sunny today, even though the wind went straight through your coat and was cold even though it is almost spring..."). Just thanks.

I recommend doing this before bedtime. They say that whatever you think about before bed is what your subconscious works on while you're sleeping, and I can attest to it having pretty significant effects --- since I began this experiment I've been waking up in absurdly good moods.

2. If you prefer, you can also use meditation sessions for this. When I meditate I prefer to just sit back and watch my thoughts, but I think using meditation to practice conscious gratitude can be a valuable practice, too.

Powerful stuff.

Next challenge: Dating Myself, for real this time...

Images from aussiegall's beautiful 30 Days of Gratitude photostream

Lovely self-disclosing post about relationships

It's time for another all-about-me blog, because I have realized something delicious.

Some friends and I were talking about relationships several months back and one of them said that he has this theory that your first relationship determines the rest of your relationships.

My thought: Oh, crap. Because 1) I think his theory is a good one; I've seen it and similar theories play out, and 2) my first relationship sucked.

I blame my own desperation/depression/loneliness, because when you've decided that no one is going to think of you as anything more than a friend and/or that weird smart awkward home schooled kid, your prospects get a little gloomy. And when a guy pays attention to you, like you're a girl or something, it goes to your head.

(For the record, I have now realized a couple things: 1) Guys always realize you're a girl, 2) the weird smart awkward home school thing is kinda hot, and 3) loneliness and depression are the worst reasons to get into a relationship on the planet.)

Anyway, this guy and I dated. Things ended two months later. Things really ended a few months after that when I realized who he was vs. who he'd been pretending to be and I'll admit I've never quite forgiven him.

(Sidebar: I realize there is a slim chance he may yet read this. We still travel in the same social circles and the internet makes the world tiny, so there is a chance. I do not apologize for anything I'm saying here nor for saying it, but I will acknowledge that he probably had his reasons for doing what he did and may have been going through more than I thought at the time. However, I'm telling this story from my side.)

So anyway, that relationship was a real downer. And my next one was not a relationship at all but an extended flirtation where I acted in ways I'm not proud of and didn't respect myself very much. After two such failures and no successes you start to see yourself as being pretty incapable.

But then I had a wonderful realization:

Boyfriend #1 wasn't my first relationship at all.

It was definitely my first flirtation, first physical involvement, first experience with couplehood, first fling. People saw us as an us and we definitely dated.

But it wasn't a relationship at all. A relationship requires communication (lacking), trust (lacking), respect (lacking), long-term affection (sort of there but mostly lacking), planning for the future (not lacking, but when it happened I went all fight-or-flight), honesty (lacking), confidence (lacking) and a sense of being together for a long time because there is nothing you want more (lacking).

Turns out my real first relationship was with my best friend.

The only thing we didn't do was kiss (pretty good thing, too, seeing as how we're straight) but everything was there. Communication, deeply and daily. Trust, with my life. Respect, 100%. Long-term affection, absolutely. Planning for the future, constantly and wonderfully. Honesty, more so than I am with anyone outside my family. Confidence, yes, and when it's not there we're there to buoy one another up. Sense of togetherness, absolutely --- I'm a commitment-phobe but I have no problem knowing that I will be there for her as long as she needs or wants me.

She was and is my first real relationship, and it's a wonderful one. I'm not afraid about screwing up with someone now --- I don't suck at relationships. In fact, I'm pretty good at ours. I love her like she's my sister and I've chosen a wonderful person to love. She's remarkable, and beautiful, and loving and I'm better when I'm around her.

She wasn't a fling and she wasn't a flirtation. I'm not saying I'll never have those again --- I'm rather planning on it --- but I'm realizing that they don't count. What counts are the things that teach you how to love, and my friendship with her has done that where that supposed "first relationship" failed. So it doesn't count. She does. And, best of all, I don't have to break up with her when I do find a nice guy. ;)

Pardon my Enthusiasm! - Emily (Corpse Bride)

I think of enthusiasm as the opposite of coolness and adolescence is a turning point for this. - Adam Savage

True dat.

I was thinking about this earlier today. As previously mentioned, I am socially awkward a lot of the time. And I'm pretty darn okay with it, because that awkwardness comes from enthusiasm, intellectualism, being engaged, not putting limits on my experience of the moment and being honest about my reactions.

And then, I stumbled upon this quote on The Glass Is Too Big, and I experienced a brief moment of synchronicitous love.

Go out. Be enthusiastic. Being cool is lame. Have you ever met someone you absolutely loved who was cool and apathetic? Because I can't think of one. Passion is so much more interesting than some film of controlled nonchalance.

Observations on a technological disaster

I got home from school yesterday and opened my computer. It started to load then came up with this screen that was all fuzzy black and white striped static, kinda like what would happen if Calvin Klein were in charge of analog TV static.

So that sucked.

I restarted. New static, this time colored and boldly striped. Tried again and it was colored static only little and random. Not good, eh?

I did a System Restore, which made the problem worse, and then took it to the campus computer help desk. Lo and behold, my hard drive had well and truly crashed. Faced with the prospect of finding enough CDs or thumb drives to store all my information, I said, "Let it go" (okay, I wasn't so Zen... I said "Screw it" first) and let my data be lost before they reinstalled Windows. (Not a huge loss --- it meant the deletion of a novel I didn't finish and didn't much like, my updated resume which can be easily re-updated, and pictures of my cat. Actually kinda heartbroken about that.)

Anyway, I actually learned some useful crap from this experience. See below:

1. Law of Attraction
Do you know why this happened? This happened because I think netbooks are cute.

Gah.

I've been seeing them around and really wanting one, and going, "You know, my computer is old and slow... if it broke, I'd be able to get one." This didn't necessarily mean that I wanted my computer to break. I wanted a netbook as an extra. But the universe took exactly what I intended and started making it happen. Fortunately I was able to finagle in the situation so I don't have to get one just yet... but it's in the future. This time, though, I want a netbook and a laptop. And I want that laptop to be a MacBook Pro. *happy sigh*

2. Meditation
Meditation totally works. Some of our homework for my World Religions class was on meditation (I think it was Yongey Mingur Rinpoche, a guru whose book I love love love love love) and either the reading or the professor was talking about how this guru had major anxiety as a child. He overcame it through meditation. Basically, he meditated so much in times of stress that when he got stressed, a meditative state was his instinctual reaction. And that's exactly what happened with me. The computer spazzed, and I got suddenly very calm and removed and conscious of the fact that it didn't really matter from a cosmic perspective.

Naturally that only lasted so long and I called my mother later to cry and moan, but weirdly, I then got calm again... for the most part, I felt unusually okay through the whole thing. Was tres cool.

3. Back up your data
Most of mine was backed up, so it wasn't a crisis. If I'd actually lost all those novels and essays and resumes and mp3s etc. etc. etc. this story would have moved up considerably on the Crisis Richter Scale. Just having to worry about backing it up, the extra time involved in locating CDs/thumb drives or an external hard drive and worrying about whether the data would be in one piece would have been hugely stressful. As it was, I went, "MY CAT PICTURES! ...... Okay, wipe it," and all was well with the world.

Backing up your data is kind of like colonoscopies and prostate exams: everyone says you need to do it already, and they're totally right. It's pretty easy, too... a thumb drive or two can hold an awful lot, and there are plenty of online storage sites out there. For the sake of your mental health, just do it.

Photo symbolizing electrical crises by moonsheep. Isn't it gorgeous?

Happy Christmas Eve!

(image by LaserGuided)

Merry Christmas Eve, folks!

Here's your present. I've created a playlist dedicated to just happy-making songs. Feel free to join and add to it! The invite link is here and the playlist link is here (not sure if that one'll work). We're talking not just songs you like, but songs that make you happy, songs that make you want to dance, songs that actually do make you dance... you get the picture. The invite link's also on the side of this page under the links section.