Artist Dates - #8

Format: Five artist dates.

Goal: Go out. Enjoy my own company doing something other than homework.

Goal met? And how!

Terms you should know:

Artist Date: "A once-weekly, festive, solo expedition to explore something that interests you. The Artist Date need not be overtly 'artistic' --- think mischief more than mastery." - Julia Cameron 

So here’s what happened:

I used to go on occasional artist dates with myself. The concept of the Artist Date comes from Julia
Cameron's The Artist's Way, a journal/monologue/workbook/self-help/inspirational book that's meant to help you reignite your creativity. (You can visit Amazon's page for the book through the link on the left.) Though Cameron's official definition of an artist date is that it happens once a week and is solo, I broadened my horizons, decided I could do it whenever I got a chance and could include people. My goal was not to ignite my creativity --- though that never hurts --- but to reaffirm that yes, there is a life outside of school and work and yes, it is accessible to me here now.

About my dates: They are cheap and they are brief. I can't afford expensive candlelit restaurants and glamorous theaters (though, having taken myself out to both in the past, I can say with some authority that they're totally worth doing) and have to limit myself to things in walking distance that fit into my semi-tight schedule. I plan on doing this again in the future with more dedication, time and money, so consider this the preliminary round.

Date 1: I bought a bamboo. It was a 20-minute date, if that, and shopping's not normally exciting, but you have to understand a few things. First, I love houseplants. Two, it's a bamboo. How cool is that? Three, it qualifies as a date and not an errand because made a special expedition out of my warm cozy house and into the arctic chill to go get it at the plant sale. That's serious right there. Anyway, it was nice. I got to enjoy the scant sunshine and baby the thing on the way home, and now it's sitting on my desk looking green and eastern and beautiful.

Date 2: Went to see When in Rome with a friend and her roommate. It was fun. I forget how much I love movies --- I don't watch them super-often (while I confess to a slight Lois and Clark addiction at the moment, that's a TV show, not a movie, and they are totally different creatures) and whenever I do watch them, I'm multitasking. It was good to just sit back and veg. And, on the self-development front, the movie totally re-reminded me of how much I love the idea of Italy and want to live in New York.

Date 3: Watched Labyrinth, on purpose and not while juggling three other things. Yes, I get that this is starting to revolve around TV... but TV worth watching! Labyrinth is a creative extravaganza and reminded me again of why I'm in school, why I'm going to get out of it someday, and how I want to focus my career and free time.

Date 4: Went and saw --- I know, I know, they're all movies... there's not a lot to do around here! --- Autumn Sonata, which is a very odd, provocative and lovely movie directed by Ingmar Bergman. Really enjoyable, especially as it was in Swedish and Swedish is one of the languages of my childhood.

Date 4: Went country and then Latin dancing, one on Wednesday and one on Friday. It was so much fun. I haven't been dancing in ages and it's awkward to go alone, but this time I got to go with my cousin who was up visiting for the week. We had so much fun, I was reminded once again that my cousins are awesome, and I got to dance and flirt with boys. And men. Freaking amazing. Dancing is one of those low-pressure, low-commitment, high-energy activities that I love, and I got some pretty good stories out of it, too...

What I learned:

Try this:

1. Go places alone sometimes. Be bold. Granted, a lot of these things (like dancing) are a lot more fun when you do them with people you like, but you'll never meet people you like without getting out there alone once in a while.

2. Movies are actually a pretty respectable way to spend an evening. Not as cool as bamboo plants and dancing, but still enjoyable alone or with someone.

3. Always have an escape route. The dance was fun but we sort of (okay, not sort of) got stalked by... well, not the sort of person you'd want to get stalked by.

4. Get thee out of thine apartment, even if it's cold/you're tired/it's a long walk. It's usually worth it. Not always --- let's not delude ourselves --- but usually. If you lack all semblance of self-control, like I do, this is the most challenging part. "Just do it" is the best advice I've got right now; as soon as I come up with something more brilliant, I'll let you know.

Next challenge: Don't know yet... Letter-writing, maybe

Photos by TroyMason and zabara_tango

Happiness is...

I have a cat asleep on my feet. 

Images by CarbonNYC, meddygarnet, Snap®, j_silla, emrank and Carrie'sCamera.

Gratitude - #7

Format: 1-week challenge

Goal: When praying, do not ask for anything

Goal met? No. But I got results anyway.

Terms you should know:

Prayer - In my case, a formal addressing of God. (Well, sort of formal. I sound like Tevye sometimes...) In your case... could be anything that addresses God/Goddess/Source/Universe/Higher Consciousness/etc.

So here’s what happened:

I'm not what I would call extremely religious. I don't talk about church stuff unless it's a church topic, I watch movies on Sunday, and I'm actually pretty uncomfortable discussing God with most people. I do, however, pray regularly, and highly recommend this practice, whatever your deity or religious beliefs. I think most people believe in a higher power of some sort --- even if it's their own best self --- and I think formally addressing and stating what you're thankful for and what you want from that higher power is pretty worth doing.

Which leads to the experiment. I realized that most of my prayers are like, "Thanks for this and this and I want this and this and this and this and please bless them and them and them and them and I want this and this..." It's basically a horribly demanding shopping list, and, I'm not gonna lie, most of it doesn't make a difference --- usually because I'm praying for things I don't actually think I'm going to get, or things that I want because I'm so afraid of not getting them.

Operating from fear/doubt = ineffective.

So all my prayers for the week are going to be full of things I'm thankful for and nothing else (with the exception of praying for a friend who's dealing with cancer, 'cause that trumps all).

Day 1: I am not very good at this. But I don't feel so powerless. It's like, "Well, if I don't ask, God's not going to give me this so I might as well get off my butt and do it myself." Win. Maybe illogical, but win. Also, it's very difficult to not ask for things for other people. I'm used to praying for my family a lot and that's against the rules now. But, as I said, empowering.

Day 2: Really enjoying this. Again, keep wanting to pray for family and/or my grades, but I'm only slipping up, like, 50% of the time.

There's something weirdly Law of Attractionish about this. The LoA functions on emotional wavelengths, and gratitude is one of the most positive energies you can send out. I'm actually finding things coming to me more easily. Little invaluable stuff... getting extensions on homework, test alternatives for tests I was worried about, having enough time to do homework and play too, making a brief but lovely connection with someone I'm interested in, etc. I can't categorically say that it's all because of this experiment... but I can't say it's not, either. I'm just feeling more positive and empowered generally and it's bound to ripple.

Day 6: Freaking. Awesome. Week. Like, really, it's been a good week. Unusually good. Roommate has been unusually quiet (she snores). I've been unusually happy. I've had some unusually magnificent insights (see previous post). My days have gone unusually well. I've had unusually abundant synchronicities. Heck, I was walking across campus today, thought, "My life would be easier if I had cash right now" and literally less than thirty seconds later looked down and saw a $1 bill lying in the deserted parking lot. And it's been like that all week. Or maybe I'm just not noticing the bad stuff. Whatever. It's awesome.

Again: Law of Attraction. "Like attracts like." Operating from a positive, grateful base is a lot better than coming from a negative, angry one. Everyone likes you more when you're positive, including the Universe.

I've been slipping up like mad --- mostly in the areas of praying for family --- but it doesn't really matter. 90% of every prayer is all thanks and it's illuminating. My sense of entitlement is slipping away and I'm more okay when things suck. It's like, "Hey, what can you expect without divine intervention? But look at the crocuses! Isn't God nice?"

Which is pretty much fantastic.

I'm making this a habit.

Try this:

1. Do I really have to explain this one to you?

Well, okay, if you're not in the habit of praying, maybe so. (Also, if you're uncomfortable with the term prayer, you can totally rename it. Gratitude session works just as well.)

Find a quiet place where you're not going to be bugged for, like, three minutes (which is harder for some of us than others, I know). Address whatever higher power you believe in if that feels right to you; if not, come up with some other sort of beginning.

[Sidebar: I really do think it's important to formally do this. Developing a generally grateful attitude is awesome, but it's a heck of a lot easier to do once you adopt this practice.]

Then say thanks. For big stuff or little stuff, it doesn't matter; just list it and think about it and why you're grateful for it and how it makes you feel. Do it out loud if you can. Putting things into sound makes them a lot more real.

Whenever you feel like you're done for now, close the prayer/gratitude session somehow. My religion invokes deity again; you may be in the habit of a straight-up "Amen" or want to come up with something of your own. Again, whatever works. And just thanks. No asking for things, no qualifying ("Thanks that it was sunny today, even though the wind went straight through your coat and was cold even though it is almost spring..."). Just thanks.

I recommend doing this before bedtime. They say that whatever you think about before bed is what your subconscious works on while you're sleeping, and I can attest to it having pretty significant effects --- since I began this experiment I've been waking up in absurdly good moods.

2. If you prefer, you can also use meditation sessions for this. When I meditate I prefer to just sit back and watch my thoughts, but I think using meditation to practice conscious gratitude can be a valuable practice, too.

Powerful stuff.

Next challenge: Dating Myself, for real this time...

Images from aussiegall's beautiful 30 Days of Gratitude photostream

Lovely self-disclosing post about relationships

It's time for another all-about-me blog, because I have realized something delicious.

Some friends and I were talking about relationships several months back and one of them said that he has this theory that your first relationship determines the rest of your relationships.

My thought: Oh, crap. Because 1) I think his theory is a good one; I've seen it and similar theories play out, and 2) my first relationship sucked.

I blame my own desperation/depression/loneliness, because when you've decided that no one is going to think of you as anything more than a friend and/or that weird smart awkward home schooled kid, your prospects get a little gloomy. And when a guy pays attention to you, like you're a girl or something, it goes to your head.

(For the record, I have now realized a couple things: 1) Guys always realize you're a girl, 2) the weird smart awkward home school thing is kinda hot, and 3) loneliness and depression are the worst reasons to get into a relationship on the planet.)

Anyway, this guy and I dated. Things ended two months later. Things really ended a few months after that when I realized who he was vs. who he'd been pretending to be and I'll admit I've never quite forgiven him.

(Sidebar: I realize there is a slim chance he may yet read this. We still travel in the same social circles and the internet makes the world tiny, so there is a chance. I do not apologize for anything I'm saying here nor for saying it, but I will acknowledge that he probably had his reasons for doing what he did and may have been going through more than I thought at the time. However, I'm telling this story from my side.)

So anyway, that relationship was a real downer. And my next one was not a relationship at all but an extended flirtation where I acted in ways I'm not proud of and didn't respect myself very much. After two such failures and no successes you start to see yourself as being pretty incapable.

But then I had a wonderful realization:

Boyfriend #1 wasn't my first relationship at all.

It was definitely my first flirtation, first physical involvement, first experience with couplehood, first fling. People saw us as an us and we definitely dated.

But it wasn't a relationship at all. A relationship requires communication (lacking), trust (lacking), respect (lacking), long-term affection (sort of there but mostly lacking), planning for the future (not lacking, but when it happened I went all fight-or-flight), honesty (lacking), confidence (lacking) and a sense of being together for a long time because there is nothing you want more (lacking).

Turns out my real first relationship was with my best friend.

The only thing we didn't do was kiss (pretty good thing, too, seeing as how we're straight) but everything was there. Communication, deeply and daily. Trust, with my life. Respect, 100%. Long-term affection, absolutely. Planning for the future, constantly and wonderfully. Honesty, more so than I am with anyone outside my family. Confidence, yes, and when it's not there we're there to buoy one another up. Sense of togetherness, absolutely --- I'm a commitment-phobe but I have no problem knowing that I will be there for her as long as she needs or wants me.

She was and is my first real relationship, and it's a wonderful one. I'm not afraid about screwing up with someone now --- I don't suck at relationships. In fact, I'm pretty good at ours. I love her like she's my sister and I've chosen a wonderful person to love. She's remarkable, and beautiful, and loving and I'm better when I'm around her.

She wasn't a fling and she wasn't a flirtation. I'm not saying I'll never have those again --- I'm rather planning on it --- but I'm realizing that they don't count. What counts are the things that teach you how to love, and my friendship with her has done that where that supposed "first relationship" failed. So it doesn't count. She does. And, best of all, I don't have to break up with her when I do find a nice guy. ;)

Facebook Fast - #6

Format: 1-week challenge

Goal: Deactivate Facebook for a week. As I told Facebook when deactivating:

I'm far too addicted at Facebook at the moment and want to see what my communications with people will turn into without it. Will people stay in touch? Will I get back in touch with the real world? Will I discover that this IS the real world? Only time will tell!

Goal met? Splendidly.

Terms you should know:

Deactivation - As it relates to Facebook, deactivation is the temporary suspension of your account. No information is removed and an account can be reactivated by simply logging in.

So here’s what happened:

Day 1: Immediately after deactivating: Felt weirdly relieved and freed, but still sorta shackled, like I had to delete the thing to really be free of it. Which is silly; there's no way I'm deleting. I keep in touch with way too many people through it and I've got quite a history recorded there.

Day 2: This is weird. I'm, like... doing my homework.

Days 3-4: Not actually missing it too much. I'll miss it because I'm bored or because I want to send someone an awesome link and don't have their email, but other than that... life's cooler with real people.

Day 5: I keep thinking things and wanting to put them as status updates, and then I realize I can't. It's sad... not because it really matters but because it's showing me how lonely I am here. There's no one to just tell random thoughts to. I miss my best friend. And occasionally I'll see things I really want to share with people, but I can't because I don't have another way to get a hold of them. Half the people I know that aren't around here I communicate with solely through Facebook.

Having said all of that, though, it's kind of nice. I'm rediscovering things on the internet that are a much better use of my time as well as finding more time for doing things offline that I enjoy... like reading crazy amounts of young adult fiction for a class I'm in.

Also, I'm reaching for the phone more. Not to talk --- I hate talking on the phone --- but to text. Texting isn't exactly the holy grail of person-to-person communication but I find I prefer that direct link rather than the general by-the-way sense a Facebook status or notification provides.

Day 6: I almost gave in. You see, I'm bored. I have no hot guys to hang out with and I hung out with my only friend here yesterday. I'd hate to smother her just as I'm learning that she's better(-)than(-)sex cake. Other than that, all of my friends are online. Bleeaaaargh.

Pride conquers all, though: I would be a loser if I quit two days early so I wrote instead. It was a good use of my time.

Also, side note, I think I'm going to begin work on a weird alternatively-formatted memoir that will alienate me from most of my friends, most of whom are on Facebook, thus 1) creating a work of interesting literature and 2) removing the Facebook temptation. Spiffy, eh?

Oh, also, weird thing: I logged into MySpace. I know! Crazy! MySpace is dead! But I logged in anyway. And --- you're never gonna believe this --- people still use MySpace. Weird or what?

Day 7: Time's up. I just reactivated and realized that there was really nothing I wanted to do on Facebook so I logged back out. 

There's part of me that wants to do a massive purge and delete 90% of my friends list, but I've decided against this. I like being able to instantly contact almost anyone I know and it's nice to stay up to date on major life events of acquaintances (marriage, moves and the like). I did, however, go though and delete a bunch of people I didn't know or want to stay in touch with, which brought my count from 303 to 244.

As for now... I'm just going to be logging in a whole lot less. If I find myself going there whenever I'm bored I'll deactivate again, or do a huge purge, or do something to make it all more real. As for now, Facebook has been relegated to a complex address book I will turn to when I need to get a hold of people or want to share information (like, for example, new blog posts).

Try this:

1. Just do it. Really. If you've started to use Facebook instead of real communication, just turn it off. See what happens. I ended up having more real conversations with people and got a lot more done, and I didn't miss it that much. Facebook's awesome, don't get me wrong, but awesomer stuff (like cheerful men on beaches, see photo) is mostly found in real life.

Next challenge: Dating Myself

Images by benstein and dannysullivan and craigallyn

From "Letter From a Birmingham Jail" by Martin Luther King Jr.

"We have waited for more than 340 years for our constitutional and God given rights. The nations of Asia and Africa are moving with jetlike speed toward gaining political independence, but we still creep at horse and buggy pace toward gaining a cup of coffee at a lunch counter. Perhaps it is easy for those who have never felt the stinging darts of segregation to say, "Wait." But when you have seen vicious mobs lynch your mothers and fathers at will and drown your sisters and brothers at whim; when you have seen hate filled policemen curse, kick and even kill your black brothers and sisters; when you see the vast majority of your twenty million Negro brothers smothering in an airtight cage of poverty in the midst of an affluent society; when you suddenly find your tongue twisted and your speech stammering as you seek to explain to your six year old daughter why she can't go to the public amusement park that has just been advertised on television, and see tears welling up in her eyes when she is told that Funtown is closed to colored children, and see ominous clouds of inferiority beginning to form in her little mental sky, and see her beginning to distort her personality by developing an unconscious bitterness toward white people; when you have to concoct an answer for a five year old son who is asking: "Daddy, why do white people treat colored people so mean?"; when you take a cross county drive and find it necessary to sleep night after night in the uncomfortable corners of your automobile because no motel will accept you; when you are humiliated day in and day out by nagging signs reading "white" and "colored"; when your first name becomes "nigger," your middle name becomes "boy" (however old you are) and your last name becomes "John," and your wife and mother are never given the respected title "Mrs."; when you are harried by day and haunted by night by the fact that you are a Negro, living constantly at tiptoe stance, never quite knowing what to expect next, and are plagued with inner fears and outer resentments; when you are forever fighting a degenerating sense of "nobodiness"--then you will understand why we find it difficult to wait. There comes a time when the cup of endurance runs over, and men are no longer willing to be plunged into the abyss of despair. I hope, sirs, you can understand our legitimate and unavoidable impatience. You express a great deal of anxiety over our willingness to break laws. This is certainly a legitimate concern. Since we so diligently urge people to obey the Supreme Court's decision of 1954 outlawing segregation in the public schools, at first glance it may seem rather paradoxical for us consciously to break laws. One may well ask: "How can you advocate breaking some laws and obeying others?" The answer lies in the fact that there are two types of laws: just and unjust. I would be the first to advocate obeying just laws. One has not only a legal but a moral responsibility to obey just laws. Conversely, one has a moral responsibility to disobey unjust laws. I would agree with St. Augustine that "an unjust law is no law at all."

Dang.


This whole letter brings up an interesting question for me, namely: What is the state of civil rights today?

I was raised to believe that people are people and that ethnicity doesn't matter except in that it helps a person construct an identity or be part of a community, so I've always had this assumption that we've finally gotten over the whole skin-color-is-relevant thing.

But I've also only lived in mostly-white areas. The first time I moved to an area where a Hispanic population was prevalent I was shocked at the level of prejudice they face. It still bothers me, actually.

Thoughts, dear readers? I realize that the people reading this are mostly my friends, which means they're mostly white (see "I've only lived in..." above) and as isolated from the issue as I am. But you never know.

What role does race play in your area and/or life? Do you think prejudice is still a big issue or has it moved lower on the list of social problems we face? Have you experienced prejudice because of your ethnicity or a group you identify with? (Home schoolers, I'm talking to you.) This is interesting and I don't understand it at all.

Craigslist Dating - #5

Craiglist dating.

Oh. My. Gosh.

I never thought I'd do it. But then I realized two things. 1) I mock it pretty constantly and shouldn't mock what I haven't tried (same reason I read all the Twilight books), and 2) I'd never done it, therefore I should! Not the greatest line of reasoning but whatever.

Format: One-night trial

Goal: Find someone on Craigslist. Go out with them. See what happens.

Goal met? Oh my, yes.

Terms you should know:

Craigslist - Web site featuring classified ads and discussion boards

So here’s what happened:

In the end, the date --- the point of the experiment --- was pretty blah as far as dates go. But the experience and the things I discovered were wonderful and unexpected. There are people I mesh with. There are fun things to do on campus. Laughing really hard for a few hours does wonders for one's sanity. Getting out is worth it. And, as a special present from the cosmos, it was a cool spring night on the way home. Good things happen when you put yourself out there, whether in the context of going to an activity you'd normally stay home from or jumping onstage to act in a scene-building game.

As I think we all know, I'm not a big fan of dating. But I decided to put that aside for this trial. Actually, I didn't really pretend... my ad was pretty up-front that I just wanted to hang out with someone who attends my university and is not interested in sex or actively looking for a relationship (in that order when it comes to Craigslist).

Got an email from a guy who seemed pretty nice. We decided to do a movie, but in the end I had some things come up and was more than willing to let them take center stage. It was that whole feeling of "That seemed like a good idea at the time, but now, crap." I knew this would probably happen, though, so I let myself be a pansy that one week and we arranged to go to a comedy group workshop.

The date: Lukewarm at best. He seemed like a really nice guy, and would probably end up being a cool friend or boyfriend if someone was willing to take the time and effort to excavate his personality and get to know him. He was just kind of quiet and reserved, and I'm more into the loud, theatrical, uber-confident types. I'm not interested in excavations. Nothing against him --- it was a case of no rapport, no patience on my part and the fact that we met on Craigslist, which, as I have long suspected, says something about one's confidence level and/or inability to get a date by, like, picking someone up at the library. (I hear this happens a lot. I've never seen it or had it happen to me, though.) 

The date: Frickin' awesome. I had a blast. I've never done improv comedy, or theater games (despite being something of a theater nerd) or anything like that. It was wicked fun. I sucked, but it was cool anyway 'cause as far as I can tell no one cared. And better than that... there were theater people there!

Theater people are loud, interesting, witty, kinesthetic and awesome. In short, they are exactly my kind of people, and they are exactly the people I was despairing of ever meeting on this campus. They know how to play, make friends instantly and are comfortable in their own skins... which is pretty much the polar opposite of most people here. 

So that was great. I'm going back next week, which will tie into another long-term experiment/project. (I'm beginning to think "experiments" is the wrong word for what I'm doing here... it's more like "experiences.")

What I learned: 

What I learned is something I'd forgotten. You have more fun when you get out there, just for the sake of getting out there. I didn't actually think the group was going to be any good. I didn't know whether it was a performance or a workshop. I didn't know much about it and didn't actually want to go... knowing that I was going to write about it was the only thing that kept me from completely flaking.

Try this:

1. Skip Craigslist. Seriously. The ads on there are pathetic and hilarious for a reason. Meeting through a Wanted Ad is no way to meet... there's no room to build rapport, discover if there's chemistry or even get an inkling if you like the person, and if you build up your hopes, you're going to end up one depressed ducky.

2. Go out and do something. I don't care what. I don't care where. I don't care if other people are involved or if you're alone. I don't care if it's good or lame. Just go do something you've never done. What's something you've been meaning to go to or try for a while? Go do it. This week.

3. Keep doing it. I used to be really good at this. I'd go to a new club or association every week. I met foreign students, aspiring pilots, math majors celebrating Pi Day (dang good party, too), anime nuts, jazz musicians, and a million other awesome people. I stopped for a while for who knows what reason, but I'm starting up again. It's so worth it.

4. Wander out of your comfort zone. I suck at improv comedy. It was fun anyway. I suck at math. Pi Day was a blast anyway. I don't like asking favors of strangers. I asked anyway and got to go under the stage of Macbeth and see how half the tech aspects of the show were run. It's uncomfortable and scary, even in the little things. I know that. But a lot of my coolest memories come from getting out of the comfort zone. 

(Note: this is easier if you have a safe place you can go back to. A loving home, a laptop with Star Trek and nachos, a beloved potted plant... whatever it is, just have something secure and accepting to go back to, otherwise all this getting-out-of-the-comfort-zone can kinda freak you out.)

Final notes:

Morals of the story: 

1) Friends don't let friends date on Craigslist

2) However, Craigslist does host more than sex maniacs, homicidal creeps and bitter gun advocates... sometimes they're just nice, reserved people who aren't the type to Go Out And Meet People

3) Sometimes the silver lining is way bigger than the cloud

4) Improv comedy is fun

5) So is getting out of your comfort zone for a few hours with fun, accepting people

6) Getting out of your apartment once in a while is a beautiful thing... and sometimes you'll even get your homework done anyway

Next challenge: Facebook Fast

Photos by House of Sims and Mild Mannered Photographer