What is your hurt telling you?

I finally gave in. After months of holding off, refusing to get swept up in the pop culture craze, I watched Glee.

Reaction: GLEE GLEE GLEE GLEE GLEE GLEE GLEE GLEE <3 <3 <3!!!!!!!!!!!!

The pilot and subsequent episodes made me cry, hokey as that is. These kinds of shows and movies about teenagers performing against all odds (even kind of awful ones like Step Up and Raise Your Voice) make me hurt everywhere inside in the sweetest way. It's nostalgia for something I never had. I wished from the time I was nine or so that someone would step up, take me by the hand and make me into a singer or an actress or some kind of performer, not because I wanted to be famous or popular --- both highly overrated goals --- but because I didn't (and don't) remember how to play. The best kind of playing has always been the arts for me, but I haven't given myself carte blanche to go full-on for it in over ten years. I'm so burningly jealous of the people onstage whenever I go to see a really good production, because I know how in flow they are and I crave that.

Hurt usually covers up a desire. In this case, all of these drama/dance/band-geek shows always point me in the direction of this big castle in the sky, a performing arts center for underprivileged kids and teenagers. I don't know if it's ever something I'll actually do --- it'll take a lot more life experience, business acumen and awareness of my priorities before I decide if it's a realistic and worthwhile goal --- but the desire is there and my pain and bittersweet reactions are the X that marks the spot.

What makes you hurt? What makes you cry --- particularly ridiculous things? What do you run away from? What do those reactions point to? What desire(s) are those negative or conflicted feelings covering?

Images by rachellynnae and A National Acrobat.

Artist Dates - #8

Format: Five artist dates.

Goal: Go out. Enjoy my own company doing something other than homework.

Goal met? And how!

Terms you should know:

Artist Date: "A once-weekly, festive, solo expedition to explore something that interests you. The Artist Date need not be overtly 'artistic' --- think mischief more than mastery." - Julia Cameron 

So here’s what happened:

I used to go on occasional artist dates with myself. The concept of the Artist Date comes from Julia
Cameron's The Artist's Way, a journal/monologue/workbook/self-help/inspirational book that's meant to help you reignite your creativity. (You can visit Amazon's page for the book through the link on the left.) Though Cameron's official definition of an artist date is that it happens once a week and is solo, I broadened my horizons, decided I could do it whenever I got a chance and could include people. My goal was not to ignite my creativity --- though that never hurts --- but to reaffirm that yes, there is a life outside of school and work and yes, it is accessible to me here now.

About my dates: They are cheap and they are brief. I can't afford expensive candlelit restaurants and glamorous theaters (though, having taken myself out to both in the past, I can say with some authority that they're totally worth doing) and have to limit myself to things in walking distance that fit into my semi-tight schedule. I plan on doing this again in the future with more dedication, time and money, so consider this the preliminary round.

Date 1: I bought a bamboo. It was a 20-minute date, if that, and shopping's not normally exciting, but you have to understand a few things. First, I love houseplants. Two, it's a bamboo. How cool is that? Three, it qualifies as a date and not an errand because made a special expedition out of my warm cozy house and into the arctic chill to go get it at the plant sale. That's serious right there. Anyway, it was nice. I got to enjoy the scant sunshine and baby the thing on the way home, and now it's sitting on my desk looking green and eastern and beautiful.

Date 2: Went to see When in Rome with a friend and her roommate. It was fun. I forget how much I love movies --- I don't watch them super-often (while I confess to a slight Lois and Clark addiction at the moment, that's a TV show, not a movie, and they are totally different creatures) and whenever I do watch them, I'm multitasking. It was good to just sit back and veg. And, on the self-development front, the movie totally re-reminded me of how much I love the idea of Italy and want to live in New York.

Date 3: Watched Labyrinth, on purpose and not while juggling three other things. Yes, I get that this is starting to revolve around TV... but TV worth watching! Labyrinth is a creative extravaganza and reminded me again of why I'm in school, why I'm going to get out of it someday, and how I want to focus my career and free time.

Date 4: Went and saw --- I know, I know, they're all movies... there's not a lot to do around here! --- Autumn Sonata, which is a very odd, provocative and lovely movie directed by Ingmar Bergman. Really enjoyable, especially as it was in Swedish and Swedish is one of the languages of my childhood.

Date 4: Went country and then Latin dancing, one on Wednesday and one on Friday. It was so much fun. I haven't been dancing in ages and it's awkward to go alone, but this time I got to go with my cousin who was up visiting for the week. We had so much fun, I was reminded once again that my cousins are awesome, and I got to dance and flirt with boys. And men. Freaking amazing. Dancing is one of those low-pressure, low-commitment, high-energy activities that I love, and I got some pretty good stories out of it, too...

What I learned:

Try this:

1. Go places alone sometimes. Be bold. Granted, a lot of these things (like dancing) are a lot more fun when you do them with people you like, but you'll never meet people you like without getting out there alone once in a while.

2. Movies are actually a pretty respectable way to spend an evening. Not as cool as bamboo plants and dancing, but still enjoyable alone or with someone.

3. Always have an escape route. The dance was fun but we sort of (okay, not sort of) got stalked by... well, not the sort of person you'd want to get stalked by.

4. Get thee out of thine apartment, even if it's cold/you're tired/it's a long walk. It's usually worth it. Not always --- let's not delude ourselves --- but usually. If you lack all semblance of self-control, like I do, this is the most challenging part. "Just do it" is the best advice I've got right now; as soon as I come up with something more brilliant, I'll let you know.

Next challenge: Don't know yet... Letter-writing, maybe

Photos by TroyMason and zabara_tango

Lovely self-disclosing post about relationships

It's time for another all-about-me blog, because I have realized something delicious.

Some friends and I were talking about relationships several months back and one of them said that he has this theory that your first relationship determines the rest of your relationships.

My thought: Oh, crap. Because 1) I think his theory is a good one; I've seen it and similar theories play out, and 2) my first relationship sucked.

I blame my own desperation/depression/loneliness, because when you've decided that no one is going to think of you as anything more than a friend and/or that weird smart awkward home schooled kid, your prospects get a little gloomy. And when a guy pays attention to you, like you're a girl or something, it goes to your head.

(For the record, I have now realized a couple things: 1) Guys always realize you're a girl, 2) the weird smart awkward home school thing is kinda hot, and 3) loneliness and depression are the worst reasons to get into a relationship on the planet.)

Anyway, this guy and I dated. Things ended two months later. Things really ended a few months after that when I realized who he was vs. who he'd been pretending to be and I'll admit I've never quite forgiven him.

(Sidebar: I realize there is a slim chance he may yet read this. We still travel in the same social circles and the internet makes the world tiny, so there is a chance. I do not apologize for anything I'm saying here nor for saying it, but I will acknowledge that he probably had his reasons for doing what he did and may have been going through more than I thought at the time. However, I'm telling this story from my side.)

So anyway, that relationship was a real downer. And my next one was not a relationship at all but an extended flirtation where I acted in ways I'm not proud of and didn't respect myself very much. After two such failures and no successes you start to see yourself as being pretty incapable.

But then I had a wonderful realization:

Boyfriend #1 wasn't my first relationship at all.

It was definitely my first flirtation, first physical involvement, first experience with couplehood, first fling. People saw us as an us and we definitely dated.

But it wasn't a relationship at all. A relationship requires communication (lacking), trust (lacking), respect (lacking), long-term affection (sort of there but mostly lacking), planning for the future (not lacking, but when it happened I went all fight-or-flight), honesty (lacking), confidence (lacking) and a sense of being together for a long time because there is nothing you want more (lacking).

Turns out my real first relationship was with my best friend.

The only thing we didn't do was kiss (pretty good thing, too, seeing as how we're straight) but everything was there. Communication, deeply and daily. Trust, with my life. Respect, 100%. Long-term affection, absolutely. Planning for the future, constantly and wonderfully. Honesty, more so than I am with anyone outside my family. Confidence, yes, and when it's not there we're there to buoy one another up. Sense of togetherness, absolutely --- I'm a commitment-phobe but I have no problem knowing that I will be there for her as long as she needs or wants me.

She was and is my first real relationship, and it's a wonderful one. I'm not afraid about screwing up with someone now --- I don't suck at relationships. In fact, I'm pretty good at ours. I love her like she's my sister and I've chosen a wonderful person to love. She's remarkable, and beautiful, and loving and I'm better when I'm around her.

She wasn't a fling and she wasn't a flirtation. I'm not saying I'll never have those again --- I'm rather planning on it --- but I'm realizing that they don't count. What counts are the things that teach you how to love, and my friendship with her has done that where that supposed "first relationship" failed. So it doesn't count. She does. And, best of all, I don't have to break up with her when I do find a nice guy. ;)

Personality Types

I love personality quizzes. It's fascinating how the infinite complexity of human beings can be distilled into a series of types without those humans losing any of their uniqueness. Below are some good ones I've found.

Future posts will take this a step further into the mystical exploring horoscopes, graphology and iridology, all of which have been frequently called "nonsense" but may provide some fun insights anyway. After all, this is personal development... there're no rules here!

Post your results in the comments if you'd care to share... I'm intrigued to see what ya'll are, and, more importantly, if you agree.

Jung Typology Test
This test is similar to the Myers-Briggs, the main difference as far as I can tell being that you don't have to pay for this one. I got the same result as I have with other longer Jung typology tests, but this one is shorter and easier to understand.

My result:
INTJ (slightly expressed introvert, distinctively expressed intuitive personality, moderately expressed thinking personality, moderately expressed judging personality)

For more information on your results, visit TypeLogic.

The Color Code
This test sorts people into four colors, each of which has a dominant trait associated with it. There's red (power), yellow (fun), blue (relationships) and white (peace). It's unique in that it asks you to answer these questions according to how you were as a child. The free version of the test will tell you your dominant color but not the percentages of the other colors. For the full report, it's something like $40, or you can get the book.

WARNING: You have to supply your email address, then go check your email to activate your account and get the link to your results. May not sound like much but I hate extra steps.

My result:
Reds (Motive: Power) (43.13%)
Reds are motivated by Power. They seek productivity and need to look good to others. Simply stated, Reds want their own way. They like to be in the driver's seat and willingly pay the price to be in a leadership role. Reds value whatever gets them ahead in life, whether it be in their careers, school endeavors, or personal life. What Reds value, they get done. They are often workaholics. They will, however, resist doing anything that doesn't interest them.

(This, by the way, is all true.)

The Enneagram Test
Again, this is the free version. There are roughly a billion questions but they made sense so it went quickly. The Enneagram test links you to one of nine numbers, each of which correspond to a personality type. The results are pretty darn accurate if mine are anything to go by. (Except the intellectualism-to-cover-insecurity thing. I get all intellectual so I don't get bored.)

My result:
You are most likely a type 5: The Investigator.
Taking wings into account, you seem to be a 5w4. [5w4 means 5, with a "wing," or secondary type of 4]

The Color Quiz
Not to be confused with The Color Code, The Color Quiz is less of a personality indicator and more of a current mood indicator. It's a lot of fun, even if it does get its genders mixed up sometimes.

My results:
Not posting them as it's a rather large chunk of text and it'll change in twenty minutes anyway. Check it out for yourself; it's cool.

About Me. How trite.

     This post is going to be self-indulgent narcissism. I had two experiences lately that made me think it was necessary. Read on if you care, don't feel bad if you don't. 


     First, I heard through a reliable grapevine that someone I know had said that they know me "maybe a little too well." This was surprising, as I don't feel they know me particularly well; I don't think I've ever even had a truly honest/vulnerable discussion with them. (We won't go into the concept of knowing a person "too well" right now. I find it cynical.) Second, through another reliable grapevine source (what's that, a grape?) I was told that a close friend said they feel like they don't know anything about me. It was surprising at first, but really, I get it. I totally get it.


     It may not be apparent through this blog, but in real life, I don't talk a lot about myself. I'm not a total recluse, of course. I converse, I express opinions, I hug people absurdly much. But I don't talk about me. I click "Don't Post" when I take Facebook quizzes because I don't want to clutter up anyone's Wall and I feel obnoxious when I start saying things like, "I'm the kind of person that [whatever]," because it's a freaking verbal tic for some people. And I'm not especially predictable. (By which I mean I'm weird, dudes. One of my most cherished dreams is to attend a Star Trek convention in totally screen-accurate clothing, I get legitimately depressed when I don't have a cat and I think the thing where you can measure the distance you've walked in terms of Middle Earth is brilliant.) 


     What with one thing and another, I guess this has led to odd conceptions about me.


     So here it is. This is stuff you might not know that you should. It won't be comprehensive and it may be spastic, because this is hard for me to explain... I'm acutely self-aware and wordy, so me explaining me is kind of like an engineering genius trying to explain some basic principle. It just gets awkward. And really, how much can you learn from a "Tell me about yourself"? Does anyone know how to answer that?

1. I am deeply codependent. While I mostly consider myself an independent, self-sufficient woman, I would not be okay without my best friend and parents. My best friend is currently on a mission and I have been kind of turning into jelly without her. I honestly don't know what to do with myself now that she's not with me all the time. Seriously. It's freaking me out. And though I can function without my parents (they did their jobs well), I'd rather not. They're ridiculously cool people and I'd feel like less of myself if they weren't around.

2. On a similar note, my parents are one of my top priorities in life. Granted, they're not perfect and they've done some stuff I disagree with, but ultimately, they're number one. I may be playing number one right now, begging them for money and calling every five minutes with some question I should know the answer to, and I'll eventually move away and create my own life... but if something comes up, they're the most important.

3. My long-term relationship deal breakers are: 1) Cat allergies/hatred, 2) Willingness to live near my family when we have kids, 3) Understanding of marriage as a fluid, egalitarian partnership that requires extensive adaptation, 4) Interest in things other than me. (I am not a romantic and I don't want to marry one.) Most important personality traits are confidence (confidence! confidence! confidence! not arrogance!), humor (in terms of both "sense of humor" and "good humor"), intelligence/education (both required) and honesty (probably not radical honesty, but I want to be able to go, "Wow, that woman has gorgeous legs" and him to go, "Yeah, doesn't she?").

4. This may be a shock, but I do have "a relationship" on my mental horizons. However, between you and me, it's going to be a long time coming. I just don't have time or patience for meeting and flirting and dating and trying to navigate all that crap right now. Actually, I probably won't ever have time for it. If there is a great guy for me, we're either going to have to fall into a very natural, confident friendship that can develop from there or God's going to have to drop him on my head like a piano. I don't believe in dating: it sets up all sorts of ridiculous expectations and societal norms and standards when really, I just want to dive into getting to know someone who strikes me as outrageously cool, and if we end up making out later, well, didn't that work out nicely? And it's incredibly hard to find a guy I'm into. But yeah, like everyone else, I daydream about finding Mr. Awesome and making gorgeous babies together and living in a farmhouse with an orchard out back and home schooling my kids and raising frogs just for kicks and having about a thousand cats and dogs in the barn and the wickedest tree house ever and a gargantuan library all less than an hour's drive from a large city. (Okay, so maybe my daydreams aren't quite like everyone else's. But they rock.)

5. I don't feel lukewarm about people. Ever. People relevant to my life, that is... people living in Azerbaijan don't really spark a response other than "Wow! Like, Azerbaijan!" But people I know, I either love love love love love or I HATE, and there is nothing in between. A couple people hover back and forth between the columns, but there is no neutral ground. I don't like or dislike; if I like you I might as well love you. If I dislike you, I wouldn't care if you fell off a cliff, except maybe to reflect for a moment on the frailty of the mortal condition. This horrid coldness aside, I love far more people than I hate and I love a lot of people other people can't stand. This no-lukewarm-affections thing causes a lot of problems with people's girlfriends. Those girlfriends need to get over it. (Note to world: "love deeply" and "will try to get into the heart and/or pants of" are two different things. Separate them. Philia, agape, yes! Eros, no! For serious.)

6. Jane Eyre is my favorite novel. "Vem Kan Segla" is my favorite song. Jane Eyre is obvious; it's brilliant and complex and addicting. "Vem Kan Segla" is not, but I won't tell you why I love it.

7. I am mostly Mormon, partially agnostic, slightly Buddhist and slightly nature-centric (though not inasfar as it involves mosquitos). I see no discrepancy in any of this and find people resolutely committed to one belief system to be a little bit frightening. I am mostly Mormon because Mormonism makes a crazy amount of sense (seriously, study it; it's brilliant), agnostic because I don't think you can really know no matter how much you believe, Buddhist because Buddhism produces the results I expect from other faiths, and nature-centric because there's nothing that stirs my blood quite as much as doing dances to the sun gods.

8. I have very screwed-up views/feelings regarding men. This is odd, because my dad is an amazing guy who I respect enormously, I have pretty cool granddads, I like all of my uncles and a ton of my cousins are exactly what I think men should be. Tracing back, however, I can also point the blame to a few verifiable creeps the women in my family have dated or been married to (all divorced now, huzzah!) and a few verifiable creeps I have dated. (I attract creeps. It's uncanny. And I don't know how I'm doing it.) It's a horrible continuing cycle and I'm trying to overcome it, but it's a constant challenge.

9. I rarely notice how I'm feeling emotionally until I have physical symptoms. I'll be feeling great about how well I'm handling a stressful situation, and then in a calm moment, I'll have a panic attack (which, by the way, suck). Or I'll think I'm coping pretty well and then I'll start gaining weight, which is a signal that something's not right (normally it's like, "Hm. I think losing an inch might be nice" and it's gone the next morning. Yes, I realize how fantastic that is). Or I'll rise to an occasion and then the second the weekend hits I'm in bed with the flu. And then, when that happens, I'll go, "Oh. You know, I was kinda stressed about that one thing." I've been working on this the past year, and though now I can tell you how I'm feeling most of the time, I still get the physical symptoms if I don't nip stuff in the bud. It's half awful and half convenient.

10. I am basically a secure person. I have no body image issues. I know you don't believe that, but seriously, my biggest thing is the fact that I don't like how dry my cuticles get in the winter. I know I'm smart, I know I'm socially awkward sometimes but most of the people I really like are socially awkward so I don't care, I know I can fake poise when I need to, I know I'm a thinker, I know I have faults but I'm okay with most of them, I know I can be sexy when I want to (though I usually don't), I know a lot of people who love me, I know I'm capable of a lot, I know I'm creative and I know that I've got a bright future. This doesn't mean I don't have insecurities. My gut twists up in knots when people read my creative writing (Little Princess about killed me) and I rarely tell people about things that matter deeply to me emotionally (see "Vem Kan Segla" above). But other than that... it's all good. I know I'm cool, I know you're cool... so why is half the world spending their lives talking down on themselves?

11. The "I rarely tell people about things that matter deeply to me emotionally" thing above is because I know you won't get it. Usually whenever I try to open up about stuff that means a lot to me with other people, they don't get it. Either don't understand it or they don't appreciate it, and you have to do both. I'd rather keep it all to myself forever than try and share it with someone who doesn't understand how sparkling and magical it is, because holding it to the light in a bad environment is like trying to keep something precious out in the elements. It won't stay beautiful if it's exposed. I don't mean this as a value judgment or condemnation --- we all have different perspectives and what is holding my world down could mean nothing to you. But unless it will, I'd rather just keep it to myself.

12. I hate it when people invade my space. People dropping by without calling once in a while is cool, whatever, but people who consistently do this who aren't close friends tick me off. (Which means this will be irrelevant to most of the people reading this blog.) People who touch my computer tick me off. People who ask to borrow my pens... I hate people who borrow my pens. (Does no one but me get how personal pens are? They're like... familiars.) I hate it when people pry about personal subjects, even if they're coming from an understanding standpoint. (Prying and asking are two different things. Asking is okay. Asking after I've said no or throwing labels like "good" or "bad" or "appropriate" at me is not.)

13. "Appropriate" is my least favorite word in the English language. It's usually tossed around by people who are so scared of being inappropriate that they feel the need to shut down everyone around them. Those people can go jump off a cliff. (Please see 5.) Unfortunately, I'm occasionally one of them. (Not quite Emerson yet. But someday...)

14. If I don't write a lot, my brain gets clogged and my brain stops being awesome. Not necessarily even creative writing or journaling. It can be writing the same word on a page over and over, or song lyrics. But I have to write something every day.

15. I get a huge kick out of being professional. I really love being cool and professional with difficult people, and rising to the occasion miraculously for customers and going the extra mile for people. I also love being calm in a crisis and handling insane situations like they're nothing. It's such a rush. Probably a power rush, which makes the motive less than pure... but everyone benefits, so I don't really care.

16. I. Miss. The. Ocean. So much. I love huge scenery, not because I want to conquer it (I know that a lot of people get a thrill from that, but I have zero desire to defy nature or my own physical limits... it's cool and all but it doesn't nourish me) but because I love to sit and be aware of its supremacy. And the ocean is the hugest scenery there is, and it's always moving and it's a mystery and it's powerful and I know I'm nothing up against it. I love that, maybe because I feel like such a match for everything else in life.

And... I'm really just rambling here... there's a lot more but you're probably bored (or didn't get this far). People are essentially self-centered, which is why it kinda surprised me that anyone cared how well they knew me at all. Again, I don't mean that as condemnation; it's just the way we're wired, and it's cool. It's human. I like human.

New Year's Resolutions

In 2010, I am going to begin a personal liberation. It'll be fantastic and empowering... kinda like Women's Lib only minus (most of) the bra burning and soapboxes.

The general idea of this liberation is that I will be me. Not some watered down, socially correct version, or the version I think my parents will approve of, or the version that's most likely to land me an amazing job when I get out of school. I'm going to be the version of me that feels right to me and trust that to provide me with all the good reputation and opportunities that being fake does.

"I gotta be free to be me," chant the voices of a thousand adolescents. Gag, how trite.

But I'm not going to be trite about it. This isn't about going against my parents for the heck of it or dying my hair blue or sticking it to The Man (though, for the record, that sounds really fun). The real idea here is that I'm going to get all the unwanted voices in my head out of my head. It's a heck of a challenge... but that's kinda the point.

This is going to be a process of constant refinement. A lot of it will probably fall neatly into my experiments/this blog, so you'll get to witness the journey. (Oy vey!) A lot of it is still fuzzy to me right now, but that's okay; I trust that it'll all come to light in good time.

For now, that's the idea. My voice. My choices. My opinions. Whatever they are.

Other resolutions not directly/obviously related to the liberation:

1. Become a self-sufficient adult. Increase income, enough to cover an apartment, a car, school fees and the necessities of life.

2. Introduce some variety into my diet. Man should not live on starch and sugar alone, though I've certainly been making a go at it.

3. Find a boyfriend. Get into a real relationship. Find some way to actually believe--to any degree--in romantic love.

4. Get at least 1,000 views on this blog before the end of winter semester.

5. Submit my novel to at least 25 agents.

6. Let things go. "Things" meaning possessions, relationships, desires, whatever. Holding onto things weighs you down.

7. Exercise in a fun way.

More will be added as I decide on it.