Multiple Personalities - #19

Format: Three-month project (not intentional... that's just what it ended up being)
Goal: Relate to my desires through different personas
Goal met? Yup, and interesting it was.

So here's what happened...
I started this project a few months ago while a bunch of crazy stuff was going on (see Experiment #18 for some clues). I was feeling overwhelmed with about a million conflicting desires and fears and had no idea how to deal with it all.

Then I remembered, "Ah! Of course! Dissociative Identity Disorder!"

Yeah, it really did go down like that.

I got to thinking about people with Dissociative Identity Disorder (also known as Multiple Personality Disorder and often confused with shizophrenia). People with DID usually have some kind of traumatic event in their past and/or a current inability to deal with emotional and psychological stresses. As a coping mechanism, they subconsciously create different personalities to handle different situations in their lives.

It's more complicated than that, but that's the general idea, and that was all I needed to take a running leap into this project.

I realized that I had four very different women in me who were all banging up against one another and arguing, and maybe they just needed a chance to talk out in the open.

Really quick, an intro to the personalities. I didn't name them (I'm not actually crazy about a couple of the names) -- they came fully formed into my consciousness, complete with fashion senses, interests, voices, fears, desires, and annoying habits.

(Please pardon the skewompus photos. I can't figure out how to get 'em to just line up.)

April
April is the manic pixie dream girl. She's artsy, bubbly, affectionate, weird, quirky, childlike, and self-absorbed, but not in a mean way. She wears fingerless gloves with electric blue nail polish, has pink hair done up in two messy buns like Minnie Mouse ears, and grins a lot.

 


Katara
Katara is a boss. She is crisp, precise, on top of things, razor sharp, and highly accomplished. She can also be -- pardon my French -- something of a bitch. She has a sharp intellect, can debate anyone into the ground, and is always the first for accolades and promotions because no one else comes close to matching up. She is the overachiever.

 


Gwynna
Gwynna is the archetypal earth mother. She's wise, kind, loving, gentle, and patient. She operates from a place of calm compassion. She's the spiritual one, the peaceful one, and the one who gives really great hugs. I see her the least, but I think I like her the most.

Heather
Heather... Heather and I have sort of a love-hate relationship. She's the homemaker, the one who wears sensible and modest button-up blouses, gets all her kids to church on time, goes to quilt shows, and scrapbooks a lot. She represents a lot of stuff I hate but feel pressured to become... and also has a lot of skills and talents I envy.

After I realized I had these various woman bouncing around inside, I started thinking differently: compartmentalizing emotions, desires, and fears into the different categories, and letting each of them take the lead when a situation called for it. It quickly became much like the yin-yang voices I talked about in Experiment #14.

I didn't do much outside of getting myself in a mental state. I didn't dress differently or take on a lot of different mannerisms -- I just said, "Heather's in charge right now. Be Heather" and let that side of myself take over.

No one else would have noticed anything had changed, I think. I retained my own turns of phrase, interests, and bookish tendencies. But in the middle of things, when one of the women took over, I got into the mental and emotional place she resides in. April doesn't take anything seriously, Katara takes everything seriously, Gwynna has transcended all that, and Heather does exactly what she "should" and doesn't pay much attention to her own feelings. Sometimes, I need all of those attitudes, and somehow it was a lot easier to reach for the right persona than the right attitude.

A few months later, I didn't feel like I needed them all anymore. I began, for the first time in a long time, to feel like my integrated self. I'd ask myself who I felt like, and the answer was just "me." I'm not sure if that's because the alternates had done their work, because my life had mellowed to a place that wasn't full of so many conflicts, or because I'd started dating my husband, who is fabulous at loving and accepting me in all my moods. Whatever the reason, the girls just... disappeared after a while. They were awesome crutches while they were around, but I don't need them anymore and am happy being me.

"I contain multitudes," said poet Walt Whitman.
You may too. Photo by amelungc via Flickr.

However... this is still a useful exercise. I still get quiet and try to picture the woman I feel like now and again, because it gives me fantastic insights into what I want and who I am.

Try this: 
This experiment was actually a lot like personifying different desires and emotions, which is a practice used by various magickal traditions. (Don't let the word "magickal" scare you off, if you can help it. "Magick," I find, is really just code for "turbo-charged meditation-heavy personal development and life design." Same practices, except with magick usually it shows up wearing a purple cloak and using a slightly different vocabulary.) A great exercise on personifying your bad habits on the "Power" podcast given by Ariel of the Druidic Craft of the Wise. You can find it here or on iTunes.

You can also try this meditation. It can be used to create physical concepts of emotions, bad habits, or desires. Don't stick to my version too closely: As with all meditations, you'll do better if you follow your own instincts and feelings. Note: I refer to the thing you'll explore as "emotions" for simplicity's sake. You may choose to associate it with a different word.

1. Sit somewhere you won't be disturbed. Breathe in and out in a slow, regular rhythm from deep in your belly. Let yourself be aware of the ground beneath you and how firm and solid it is. You may find it helpful to count your breaths. When thoughts show up, gently bring your attention back to your breath. Breathe this way till you feel calm, tranquil, and grounded.

2. When you've reached a peaceful place, turn your attention to the aspect of yourself you wish to explore. This could be an emotion, a desire, or an inner conflict. For example, you may be exploring "my desire to become a circus acrobat" or "the emotional distance between me and my sister." Don't think too much about it -- just let yourself become aware of the feeling.

3. Find the place in your body that this feeling is strongest. It may manifest as a tightness in your stomach, tension in your forehead, the impression of yellow light in the palm of your hand... the possibilities are just about endless. Once you've found that spot, focus on it and explore it.

4. Push the emotion out of your body. If it's a tightness in your stomach, imagine the feeling being pushed out of your abdomen, or traveling through your esophagus and coming out your mouth. A yellow light in the palm of your hand could be pushed out until it's floating in front of you. Move the emotion until it's sitting outside of you and facing you.

Another option is to imagine your emotion as a mirror image
of yourself, which is then allowed to shift and take shape
in the water. Photo by jkirthart35 via Flickr.

5. Allow the emotion to take shape. How big is it? What color is it? Is it human? Something else? Is it light or dark? What mood is it in? Once you have a good idea of this emotion's nature, ask it a question. Listen to its answer. Notice the way it answers, the sound of its voice (if it answers you out loud), and so forth. The questions you can ask are limitless. Some ideas include "What is your name?", "Why are you here?", "What have you been trying to tell me that I haven't been listening to?", etc. You can also give it instructions, so long as they're delivered in a respectful way. Examples include, "I understand that you're trying to protect me from that horrible girl in high school, but that situation is no longer in my life. Could you turn your attention to helping me set boundaries with my coworker?", "Please be on the lookout for people I can network with in the circus industry," and "I'd like you to help me be calm and friendly when I'm on the phone with my sister."

6. Make sure you and the emotion are on good, or at least respectful, terms before you end this meditation. Once you've had a conversation and gotten to know this emotion, imagine it morphing into a mirror image of you. Rotate this image and let it slide back into you (a bit how ghosts tend to go back into their bodies in movies). Let it settle in and let your physical body absorb it.

7. You may now choose to explore a different emotion if you like. When you're ready to come out of your meditation, make sure your emotion has been absorbed into your body, then return your attention to your breathing. Feel how solid the ground is underneath you. Gradually let your awareness come back to the present by counting back from 10, slowly looking around, or whatever method works best for you. Stretch and allow the experience to settle before returning to your day.

Coming Soon...
Ummmmmmmm... something... pretty cool... and probably an update on the Mabon party I'm going to tonight. Yay! My spiritual life's been a little blah lately and this may be just what the doctor (or  humanist minister friend, as the case may be -- he's throwing the party) ordered. But I shall see... and so shall you... ;)