Goal: Relate to myself like I would to someone I was in a good relationship with for 21 days.
Goal met? And how.
So here's what happened:I went to get lunch today on campus because I wasn't going to have time to go home between classes/meetings, and I've been skipping meals too much lately. Immediate panic attack: I don't believe in spending money if I can get something cheaper-better elsewhere. But I put my foot down (yes, with myself) and just bought the stupid pizza slice.
Then I saw a girl standing across the checkout from me with two takeout boxes, the other one presumably for a friend/boyfriend/husband. And I realized: If I'd been getting lunch for someone else I cared about, I wouldn't have cared about the cost or value. I'd have just done it and been happy they had a nice lunch.
The obvious conclusion: I don't treat myself like I'd treat someone I love. Even though I do love myself, quite a lot. I think the issue is that I know what I can handle--I know that skipping lunch wouldn't have done more than given me a headache and maybe low energy. But I never know what other people can handle, or if they're just being polite when they say they're okay with [whatever], so I go the extra mile to make sure they're happy and comfortable.
So here's the plan: For the next 21 days, I am going to endeavor to treat myself the way I'd treat someone I was in a healthy friendship/relationship with. (Ties into the idea of self-marriage, which I quite like.) All the time. No exceptions. Wish me luck.
Day 1: Bought a pizza slice. Big freaking deal, right? But certain courses may foreshadow certain ends... *dun dun dun*
Day 1: Bought a pizza slice. Big freaking deal, right? But certain courses may foreshadow certain ends... *dun dun dun*
As a side note, I'm hoping this project will help me get more in tune with a relationship vibe. I haven't been on a real date in way longer than I'd like to admit and haven't been in a relationship in even longer, and while I love being alone, the number of couples around me is increasingly weirding me out and I think I need to get back into the swing of things just to remember what all the fuss is about. My chronic singleness, while enjoyable, is distancing me more than I'd like from the rest of humanity.
Later: I'm noticing a strange duality. All day I've been asking myself what I want or how I'm feeling, and it's like the masculine half is the one doing the asking, then the feminine half does the answering, then the masculine half either takes action to make the feminine half happy, or gently reasons with the feminine half to come up with a better plan of action. Very weird.
Day 2: I'm becoming self-indulgent. Took a two-hour nap after class this morning. Gorgeous.
This way of relating to myself is also making me much less stressed out by... how do I explain this? Certain types of boy tend to gravitate towards me. These are either:
- awkward guys who think I'm pretty but who become monosyllabic drones when I talk to them;
- 30-year-olds who still think they're 19, who have been single long enough to develop the guts to say "Hey beautiful" twelve times a day, and haven't been single long enough to realize that this doesn't work;
- guys who date me for my hair (this actually happens);
- guys who just like a challenge; or
- guys who become fixated on me because a) I'm a girl nerd, b) they have somehow envisioned me as a video game character, or c) they have this idea that I can be their maiden of Camelot with alabaster skin and flowing tresses, yaddi-yadda; i.e., I am apparently a good blank slate for general fantasy fulfillment. What can I say? I contain a multitude of archetypes.
Day 3: Apparently I like it when my girlfriend looks good. Since I started this I've been much more attentive to my appearance, because my "male"/assertive/yang half appreciates it. I'm wearing nail polish and makeup and stuff. Bizarre. (I should clarify something here... My yang half does not care about perfection or traditional cosmetically-enhanced "feminine beauty". We see images of women in the media that are perfectly beautiful, and I tend to find that sad and repulsive before I find it beautiful. The thing my yang half finds attractive is visual interest. Colors, movement, curves, artistic touches... it likes visually expressed creative playfulness.)
Day 4: Didn't focus much on this today. I'm having a weird thing with food, which I'll be doing an experiment on in a couple of weeks. Also, this whole duality thing does not keep me from missing human contact.
Day 5: Today was exhausting. I told myself yesterday that I needed to stop taking naps, but today I got home from rehearsal and it was nice to be able to have the one side go, "But I said I wasn't going to nap!" and then the other side say, as it would to someone else, "Um, hi, you're on the verge of a breakdown. Sleep." It's like being my own mother. (Where exactly does this fit in the Oedipal scheme of things...?)
Day 6: On that note, Happy Mother's Day. My family basically postponed Mother's Day, so I stayed home and was incredibly self-indulgent. (Self-indulgent: spend the entire day sewing and watching Star Trek. There are few sweeter joys.)
Day 7: Felt like crap and didn't give a single thought to this experiment.
Day 8: BLAAAAAAAAAAAH. Felt like crap again, but figured out why. Most of this paragraph is going to consist of TMI for any men reading this, so skip if you don't want to hear about it. I've been on birth control for the past few years as a hormone/cycle regulation (10 days on, 12 days off, 10 days on, ladies--not fun) and went off it about a year ago. Since then my body's been adjusting to its own natural rhythms, which, it appears, include PMS. I'd forgotten what the whole wanting-to-cut-out-my-own-uterus thing was like... The upshot is that it's given me a real opportunity to baby myself and not feel guilty about it.
Day 4: Didn't focus much on this today. I'm having a weird thing with food, which I'll be doing an experiment on in a couple of weeks. Also, this whole duality thing does not keep me from missing human contact.
Day 5: Today was exhausting. I told myself yesterday that I needed to stop taking naps, but today I got home from rehearsal and it was nice to be able to have the one side go, "But I said I wasn't going to nap!" and then the other side say, as it would to someone else, "Um, hi, you're on the verge of a breakdown. Sleep." It's like being my own mother. (Where exactly does this fit in the Oedipal scheme of things...?)
Day 6: On that note, Happy Mother's Day. My family basically postponed Mother's Day, so I stayed home and was incredibly self-indulgent. (Self-indulgent: spend the entire day sewing and watching Star Trek. There are few sweeter joys.)
Day 7: Felt like crap and didn't give a single thought to this experiment.
Day 8: BLAAAAAAAAAAAH. Felt like crap again, but figured out why. Most of this paragraph is going to consist of TMI for any men reading this, so skip if you don't want to hear about it. I've been on birth control for the past few years as a hormone/cycle regulation (10 days on, 12 days off, 10 days on, ladies--not fun) and went off it about a year ago. Since then my body's been adjusting to its own natural rhythms, which, it appears, include PMS. I'd forgotten what the whole wanting-to-cut-out-my-own-uterus thing was like... The upshot is that it's given me a real opportunity to baby myself and not feel guilty about it.
Days 9–12: Holy busy, Batman. Main realization over the last couple of days: I am one foxy nerdy lady, and I feel really lucky that I get to take myself home every night. ;)
Day 13: Apparently the confidence-through-the-roof that being your own girlfriend creates is effective. All day at church today, guys were doing double takes and stopping in the middle of conversations to stare at me. And it wasn't 'cause I had broccoli in my teeth, either. Very strange. I suppose I should've taken the opportunity to flirt or something, but mostly I just felt weird and headed out really fast after the service. But... still. Flattering.
Day 14: Um... someone (a boy someone) used the love word. Which was... Well. That's all I'm saying on that right now. But odd. And the grounded feeling that this experiment is doing a good job at keeping me level-headed about it. So... this is good.
Days 15-16: When my sides get angry at each other, Yin is the first to look like she might be sorry, then Yang is the first to actually apologize, and then they hug. Not literally, of course, but that's the best way I can think of to describe the emotional back-and-forth. These two have actual conversations in my head sometimes. In our head. It's odd.
Day 17: Date night tonight! It's been such a good day, and I want to slow down and enjoy it. So tonight, Yin and Yang are going to come home after rehearsal, ignore homework, eat whatever we darn well please, do whatever we darn well please, and mostly just enjoy each other's company.
Day 18: So... date night didn't happen last night. I got home from rehearsal and just slept. Date night was tonight. TV and mani/pedi time. It was lush, and I felt like I was spending my time in a worthwhile way, because I was nurturing myself. It's almost as satisfying as nurturing a pet, which is saying a lot.
On another note, I had a great conversation with my grandma today. My grandpa passed away last year, and while it's been hard for her, I get the impression that she's been able to get back in touch with herself, and it's brought a new level of decisiveness and self-nurturing to her that I've never seen before. If and when I get into a "relationship," I want to hold onto the conscious self-awareness I'm experiencing now.
Day 19: Glorious Sunday and its lack of classes. Been lazy today (major relief after the last two weeks of go-go-go) and while I feel slightly guilty about not accomplishing anything, including stuff I want to do just for me, I've got this weird back-and-forth going on where my sides are both validating each other's decision to be lazy, even if they can't validate their own. This could become a vicious cycle, but it's sort of just nice right now. And if we do end up being productive later, it'll be a relief to give into our mutual guilt and commiserate over that. (One can commiserate with oneself. It's kinda cool.)
Day 20: Spent the evening with some of my favorite people. (I'm related to them.) It was great. Didn't think about this experiment at all. Was more concerned with thinking about my cat (I'm sort of related to her). But I don't really need to think about this anymore. It just kinda is what it is, and I love it.
Day 21: Today, I did not go buy a donut, because, though that would have been awesome and satisfied a craving, the only donuts in walking distance were crap and I deserve better than that. So tonight I'm going to go home and make apple pastries for date night. We start with food, we end with food. (Date night, by the way, is awesome and will be happening frequently from here on out.)
This is the end of this experiment, folks, but not the end of this way of relating to myself. I've loved this, and I'm so much kinder to myself than I was a month ago. Consciously kind. Consciously sympathetic. Consciously loving.
On another note, I had a great conversation with my grandma today. My grandpa passed away last year, and while it's been hard for her, I get the impression that she's been able to get back in touch with herself, and it's brought a new level of decisiveness and self-nurturing to her that I've never seen before. If and when I get into a "relationship," I want to hold onto the conscious self-awareness I'm experiencing now.
Day 19: Glorious Sunday and its lack of classes. Been lazy today (major relief after the last two weeks of go-go-go) and while I feel slightly guilty about not accomplishing anything, including stuff I want to do just for me, I've got this weird back-and-forth going on where my sides are both validating each other's decision to be lazy, even if they can't validate their own. This could become a vicious cycle, but it's sort of just nice right now. And if we do end up being productive later, it'll be a relief to give into our mutual guilt and commiserate over that. (One can commiserate with oneself. It's kinda cool.)
Day 20: Spent the evening with some of my favorite people. (I'm related to them.) It was great. Didn't think about this experiment at all. Was more concerned with thinking about my cat (I'm sort of related to her). But I don't really need to think about this anymore. It just kinda is what it is, and I love it.
Day 21: Today, I did not go buy a donut, because, though that would have been awesome and satisfied a craving, the only donuts in walking distance were crap and I deserve better than that. So tonight I'm going to go home and make apple pastries for date night. We start with food, we end with food. (Date night, by the way, is awesome and will be happening frequently from here on out.)
This is the end of this experiment, folks, but not the end of this way of relating to myself. I've loved this, and I'm so much kinder to myself than I was a month ago. Consciously kind. Consciously sympathetic. Consciously loving.
I love the duality this experiment has brought up. I love the way it split me into these two halves that can converse and balance each other out. I love the way it brought to light the fact that yes, you can be complete alone, and no, completion doesn't always mean you don't still need other people. Oddly, though I'd hoped this would help me develop a more relationship-friendly attitude, it's mostly just made me more confident that I don't want one right now.
I am my own girlfriend. I'd thought about this idea before (and discussed it with my dear friend Kealeigh), but I wasn't really living it. But now I am. And I will. Because this is awesome.
*hugs self*
*and all of you*
Try this:
Do this experiment. Think of yourself as someone else. You'll feel it out as you go, and only you can figure out what self-love looks like in your own life. But do, because it's wonderful.
Coming Soon... Enjoying life, goshdarnit. (Probably not wanton hedonism... but a little hedonism.) And maybe something with religion. If you have any ideas, send 'em this way.
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2 comments:
So... I found this pretty interesting. You should have done this ages ago, back when I was doing the exact same thing to myself. It would have been fun to do the experiment with you! Funny, though, because I am doing the experiment now anyway. See, once you get a physical manifestation of that male side of yourself (otherwise known as a husband), you get to learn how to do this together as a couple. If you are both savers (like we are) you have to learn how to treat yourselves every once in a while. We're getting good at finding a balance, but he is definitely getting the hang of it faster than I am. I'm still pretty self-denying. Glad I have him to help me out!
I LOVE this, Kjerstin. I love that you think so deeply about concepts and do these experiments. I look forward to meeting the guy who one day actually really catches your attention. He will be epic, as you will not settle for less! I love the concept of 'how would I treat me in a relationship?' Definitely something I'll be thinking about for quite some time!!
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