Why Porn Makes Me Feel Ugly

This is another off-topic post, but I had an insight onto the subject of pornography and women's body image that I thought was worth sharing.

A friend posted a link on Facebook to this NYmag.com article on computer-generated lingerie models (NSFW, obviously), and an inevitable long discussion ensued. It ended up focusing on the question of why women have such bad body image.

A guy on the thread suggested that porn is to blame. People obviously disagreed and the conversation is still probably meandering through the happy realms of hyperbole and over-insistence it was in when I left. In the middle of it, though, I stumbled on a fascinating insight.

Photo by striatic

I've dated several guys with porn issues and several guys without porn issues ("issues" here described as "excessive use," "use that makes them feel guilty," and/or "use to the exclusion of real-life sexual encounters"). Over the past few years, I've discovered that I can always tell when a guy I'm dating or friends with watches a fair bit of pornography, because after I'm around him for a while, I start to feel anywhere between objectified and flat-up ugly and undesirable. (This isn't the only tip-off, but it's a major one.)

Usually, I can't pinpoint exactly why at first. Inevitably, however, it boils down to the guy in question treating me like an object or a pet. Examples: We'll be kissing and he'll say something like, "Yeah, do you like that?" in a weird, overconfident voice you'd normally reserve for a cat; or he'll start to make offhand remarks about my body; or he'll string me along through literally dozens of vaguely sexual text messages in a way strongly reminiscent of e-maintaining. Guys who don't watch a fair bit of porn just don't do stuff like that.

The point is: Guys who have porn issues treat me like an object or pet, not like a woman.

Any time I'm viewed as an object, my sense of worth as a human being goes down. When my self-worth goes down, I try to regain it, and I crave approval from the guy who made me feel like crap in the first place. (The thinking is something like, "Well, if he can like me, then anyone can like me." Yeah, it's dumb, but I do it.) And to get his approval back, I usually try to become more desirable, which means more sexy, more pretty, more seductive, more like the girls in the porn that turns him on. (And that is often the only thing that turns him on, as this great Psychology Today article discusses.)

Photo by Abugayle Smythe Photography.
(Guys, Abby is the bomb. Seriously.)
Forgive the glamour shot, but I'd like
to make the point that porn should not have
the power to make me feel ugly.
But... well, it does.

Porn has been around since the dawn of human history, but girlie mags, pinups, erotic art, etc. etc. don't have the same impact that Internet pornography does. Internet porn allows guys to search for exactly what turns them on. It allows them to fast-forward to the sexiest bits. It allows them to see hundreds of examples of women who are exactly what their fantasies are made of.

I can't compete with that.

This isn't just a relationships thing. I've had this experience of feeling ugly and inadequate when I'm dealing with friends who have porn problems. It's just compounded when I'm in a relationship, and I can only imagine its impact in the context of a marriage.

Despite our culture's insistence that "porn is bad" and my church's overwhelming insistence that "porn is bad bad bad evil evil will eat your children BAD PORN," I've always had an open mind on the subject. I imagine porn has its time and its place... but it has a tendency to encourage the idea of women as eager, one-dimensional sexual objects instead of complex sexual humans with feelings and needs. I happen to be the latter, and being grouped in with the former tends to leave me pretty cold.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, except to say that Internet pornography's impact is broader than we think and affects women in more ways than we want to admit. I'm interested to see what you all have to say about this... Please leave your comments--I'd love to get a discussion going!

Magic Anklet - #12

Format: Experiment. I figured I'd give it a week.
Goal: Have more and better social interactions, using a cord set with intentions.
Goal met? Holy effective, Batman.
Terms you should know: 
Intention: Pretty much what it sounds like. An intention is an intention. In energy/spiritual work, the idea of the intention is more concrete and there's a general idea of spiritual power behind it.

So here's what happened:
After the third solid week in a row of feeling like a friendless loser (because I am generally anti-social, at least when I'm at school, and have been spending a lot of time in my room instead of the rest of the apartment in order to avoid my roommate and her awkward relationships with her four awkward almost-boyfriends), I decided enough was enough. I wasn't exactly ready to go out and Meet People (so not my thing), but figured the least I could do was to start changing the way I was looking at this whole playing-nicely-with-others deal. 


Which is to say, I wanted to use a ritual or other physical action that had a chance of tangibly changing my thoughts. The goal was to move from a general attitude of "Why are you looking at me, @*&@#?? Back off before I punch your #*%&#(* teeth in, *#&%*;@!" to, I dunno, something less confrontational and antagonistic. Like "Hi," maybe.


I remember reading something in a novel (probably by Juliet Marillier) about working magic into cords. I thought that was a poetic idea, and I was in a crafty mood, so I dug out some embroidery floss. I used sparkly red to symbolize my root chakra (which relates to security, feeling grounded, and having basic needs met), orange for my sacral chakra (which relates to creativity, sexuality, and romantic relationships), and sparkly green for my heart chakra (which relates to universal love and general relationships). Put on a TV show that made me happy and started braiding.


The whole time I kept in mind the intention that I wanted to have more positive relationships, romantic and platonic, with everyone around me, and wanted to go back to operating from the place of love that I bring to my relationships back home. I wanted to have friends because I liked them and they liked me, not because I was lonely and needed someone to fix my loneliness. And I wanted to become interested in people again, because I'd hit this place where everyone I didn't already know seemed insufferably boring. I knew that was off but I hadn't been able to make my mind change courses.


I happened to do this the night before the full moon (see Supermoon/Equinox video), and set the intentions about wanting positive, enriching relationships/interactions. The night of the full moon I did it again, and again the next day, which happened to be the spring equinox. Then I let the little charm do its thing.


Now, I don't know that the anklet itself had any special energy voodoo going on. Maybe it did -- I'm certainly not ruling the possibility out -- but maybe it was the intention and reminder of having a cord tied around my ankle that helped me change courses, like having a reminder string tied around your finger or a purple anti-complaining bracelet. I fall into the camp of "if it works, use it," and boy, did it work.


Three days later, I had gone from being tired, antisocial, and unable to make small talk to:

• chatting for four hours with girls from my class during lab; they turned out to be completely awesome and exactly the kind of people I like being around;
• somehow or other magically getting on the good side of a teacher who hadn't seemed particularly interested in me most of the semester;
• getting hired on the spot for my job next semester, despite a mix-up with applications and someone already having been hired for my position;
• being flirted with by a guy from a class who is super-interesting and cute (and literate while texting, which is one of my holy grails);
• having a fantastic conversation about religion, totalitarian states, and Rocky Horror Picture Show with two awesome people, completely out of the blue; 
• having acquaintances and casual friends approach me and strike up interesting, below-the-surface conversations;
• being helped way above and beyond the call of duty by a charming woman at the post office;
• being involved in an awesome theatrical/musical production in town; and
• being chatted up by a rather interesting stranger who ended up asking for my number (which hasn't happened in way more than I'd like to admit).

I mean, how cool is that? Something about having that intention wrapped around my ankle as a reminder appears to have done something to my mojo and made me attractive to all sorts of people and interested in them back. I suspect it's switched around a bunch of my subconscious beliefs and habits and in turn switched around all those subconscious body language/tone of voice signals I didn't realize I was giving off, and people respond to that.


Pretty sweet. Also, my anklet's cute.

Try this:
Make an anklet. Or find some other craft or project that feels good. Think about your intentions while you're working on it -- and make sure they feel 100% good to you -- and then wear whatever you make or put it somewhere you'll see it often. 


I can't emphasize the "make sure they feel good to you" thing enough. I originally had this idea in my head that the reason I was being so touchy was because I wasn't being feminine enough or something, and I was convinced that I needed to make a pink bracelet and embrace my inner girl. But my subconscious knew better and gave me a loud "Nope!" feeling, so I eventually ended up going with the chakras and focusing on openness to interactions with people and operating from a place of love, which was a way better decision. 


If your subconscious beliefs and emotional responses can't get behind the intentions you're setting, you're only going to sabotage yourself. I believe you always get what you really want, so make sure you know for sure what that is and find a way to bring it to the surface and work with, not against, it.

Coming Soon...
It was going to be a plants experiment but my nasturtiums aren't agreeing. Suggestions, post 'em in the comments.

Truth or (is) Dare

My favorite PostSecret this week:

Such a good idea. And so, so, so intimidating. It's tempting to say all that significant stuff anonymously -- I think that was one of those fads that went around Myspace back when people used Myspace -- but that also defeats the purpose, which is connection, not merely catharsis.

There's also the issue of forcing this on people. The idea of taking connections to a deeper level sounds great in theory, but in practice, you may end up seriously stepping on some toes. (It's sort of like how not everybody likes hugs. Heck, I don't like hugs from the wrong people, and I'm a hugger. You don't want to force this kind of thing where it'll be unwelcome.)

So am I going to do this? Maybe. Not today. But if and when I do, I'll keep you posted. Till then... it's something to think about.

Lovely self-disclosing post about relationships

It's time for another all-about-me blog, because I have realized something delicious.

Some friends and I were talking about relationships several months back and one of them said that he has this theory that your first relationship determines the rest of your relationships.

My thought: Oh, crap. Because 1) I think his theory is a good one; I've seen it and similar theories play out, and 2) my first relationship sucked.

I blame my own desperation/depression/loneliness, because when you've decided that no one is going to think of you as anything more than a friend and/or that weird smart awkward home schooled kid, your prospects get a little gloomy. And when a guy pays attention to you, like you're a girl or something, it goes to your head.

(For the record, I have now realized a couple things: 1) Guys always realize you're a girl, 2) the weird smart awkward home school thing is kinda hot, and 3) loneliness and depression are the worst reasons to get into a relationship on the planet.)

Anyway, this guy and I dated. Things ended two months later. Things really ended a few months after that when I realized who he was vs. who he'd been pretending to be and I'll admit I've never quite forgiven him.

(Sidebar: I realize there is a slim chance he may yet read this. We still travel in the same social circles and the internet makes the world tiny, so there is a chance. I do not apologize for anything I'm saying here nor for saying it, but I will acknowledge that he probably had his reasons for doing what he did and may have been going through more than I thought at the time. However, I'm telling this story from my side.)

So anyway, that relationship was a real downer. And my next one was not a relationship at all but an extended flirtation where I acted in ways I'm not proud of and didn't respect myself very much. After two such failures and no successes you start to see yourself as being pretty incapable.

But then I had a wonderful realization:

Boyfriend #1 wasn't my first relationship at all.

It was definitely my first flirtation, first physical involvement, first experience with couplehood, first fling. People saw us as an us and we definitely dated.

But it wasn't a relationship at all. A relationship requires communication (lacking), trust (lacking), respect (lacking), long-term affection (sort of there but mostly lacking), planning for the future (not lacking, but when it happened I went all fight-or-flight), honesty (lacking), confidence (lacking) and a sense of being together for a long time because there is nothing you want more (lacking).

Turns out my real first relationship was with my best friend.

The only thing we didn't do was kiss (pretty good thing, too, seeing as how we're straight) but everything was there. Communication, deeply and daily. Trust, with my life. Respect, 100%. Long-term affection, absolutely. Planning for the future, constantly and wonderfully. Honesty, more so than I am with anyone outside my family. Confidence, yes, and when it's not there we're there to buoy one another up. Sense of togetherness, absolutely --- I'm a commitment-phobe but I have no problem knowing that I will be there for her as long as she needs or wants me.

She was and is my first real relationship, and it's a wonderful one. I'm not afraid about screwing up with someone now --- I don't suck at relationships. In fact, I'm pretty good at ours. I love her like she's my sister and I've chosen a wonderful person to love. She's remarkable, and beautiful, and loving and I'm better when I'm around her.

She wasn't a fling and she wasn't a flirtation. I'm not saying I'll never have those again --- I'm rather planning on it --- but I'm realizing that they don't count. What counts are the things that teach you how to love, and my friendship with her has done that where that supposed "first relationship" failed. So it doesn't count. She does. And, best of all, I don't have to break up with her when I do find a nice guy. ;)

From "Letter From a Birmingham Jail" by Martin Luther King Jr.

"We have waited for more than 340 years for our constitutional and God given rights. The nations of Asia and Africa are moving with jetlike speed toward gaining political independence, but we still creep at horse and buggy pace toward gaining a cup of coffee at a lunch counter. Perhaps it is easy for those who have never felt the stinging darts of segregation to say, "Wait." But when you have seen vicious mobs lynch your mothers and fathers at will and drown your sisters and brothers at whim; when you have seen hate filled policemen curse, kick and even kill your black brothers and sisters; when you see the vast majority of your twenty million Negro brothers smothering in an airtight cage of poverty in the midst of an affluent society; when you suddenly find your tongue twisted and your speech stammering as you seek to explain to your six year old daughter why she can't go to the public amusement park that has just been advertised on television, and see tears welling up in her eyes when she is told that Funtown is closed to colored children, and see ominous clouds of inferiority beginning to form in her little mental sky, and see her beginning to distort her personality by developing an unconscious bitterness toward white people; when you have to concoct an answer for a five year old son who is asking: "Daddy, why do white people treat colored people so mean?"; when you take a cross county drive and find it necessary to sleep night after night in the uncomfortable corners of your automobile because no motel will accept you; when you are humiliated day in and day out by nagging signs reading "white" and "colored"; when your first name becomes "nigger," your middle name becomes "boy" (however old you are) and your last name becomes "John," and your wife and mother are never given the respected title "Mrs."; when you are harried by day and haunted by night by the fact that you are a Negro, living constantly at tiptoe stance, never quite knowing what to expect next, and are plagued with inner fears and outer resentments; when you are forever fighting a degenerating sense of "nobodiness"--then you will understand why we find it difficult to wait. There comes a time when the cup of endurance runs over, and men are no longer willing to be plunged into the abyss of despair. I hope, sirs, you can understand our legitimate and unavoidable impatience. You express a great deal of anxiety over our willingness to break laws. This is certainly a legitimate concern. Since we so diligently urge people to obey the Supreme Court's decision of 1954 outlawing segregation in the public schools, at first glance it may seem rather paradoxical for us consciously to break laws. One may well ask: "How can you advocate breaking some laws and obeying others?" The answer lies in the fact that there are two types of laws: just and unjust. I would be the first to advocate obeying just laws. One has not only a legal but a moral responsibility to obey just laws. Conversely, one has a moral responsibility to disobey unjust laws. I would agree with St. Augustine that "an unjust law is no law at all."

Dang.


This whole letter brings up an interesting question for me, namely: What is the state of civil rights today?

I was raised to believe that people are people and that ethnicity doesn't matter except in that it helps a person construct an identity or be part of a community, so I've always had this assumption that we've finally gotten over the whole skin-color-is-relevant thing.

But I've also only lived in mostly-white areas. The first time I moved to an area where a Hispanic population was prevalent I was shocked at the level of prejudice they face. It still bothers me, actually.

Thoughts, dear readers? I realize that the people reading this are mostly my friends, which means they're mostly white (see "I've only lived in..." above) and as isolated from the issue as I am. But you never know.

What role does race play in your area and/or life? Do you think prejudice is still a big issue or has it moved lower on the list of social problems we face? Have you experienced prejudice because of your ethnicity or a group you identify with? (Home schoolers, I'm talking to you.) This is interesting and I don't understand it at all.

Craigslist Dating - #5

Craiglist dating.

Oh. My. Gosh.

I never thought I'd do it. But then I realized two things. 1) I mock it pretty constantly and shouldn't mock what I haven't tried (same reason I read all the Twilight books), and 2) I'd never done it, therefore I should! Not the greatest line of reasoning but whatever.

Format: One-night trial

Goal: Find someone on Craigslist. Go out with them. See what happens.

Goal met? Oh my, yes.

Terms you should know:

Craigslist - Web site featuring classified ads and discussion boards

So here’s what happened:

In the end, the date --- the point of the experiment --- was pretty blah as far as dates go. But the experience and the things I discovered were wonderful and unexpected. There are people I mesh with. There are fun things to do on campus. Laughing really hard for a few hours does wonders for one's sanity. Getting out is worth it. And, as a special present from the cosmos, it was a cool spring night on the way home. Good things happen when you put yourself out there, whether in the context of going to an activity you'd normally stay home from or jumping onstage to act in a scene-building game.

As I think we all know, I'm not a big fan of dating. But I decided to put that aside for this trial. Actually, I didn't really pretend... my ad was pretty up-front that I just wanted to hang out with someone who attends my university and is not interested in sex or actively looking for a relationship (in that order when it comes to Craigslist).

Got an email from a guy who seemed pretty nice. We decided to do a movie, but in the end I had some things come up and was more than willing to let them take center stage. It was that whole feeling of "That seemed like a good idea at the time, but now, crap." I knew this would probably happen, though, so I let myself be a pansy that one week and we arranged to go to a comedy group workshop.

The date: Lukewarm at best. He seemed like a really nice guy, and would probably end up being a cool friend or boyfriend if someone was willing to take the time and effort to excavate his personality and get to know him. He was just kind of quiet and reserved, and I'm more into the loud, theatrical, uber-confident types. I'm not interested in excavations. Nothing against him --- it was a case of no rapport, no patience on my part and the fact that we met on Craigslist, which, as I have long suspected, says something about one's confidence level and/or inability to get a date by, like, picking someone up at the library. (I hear this happens a lot. I've never seen it or had it happen to me, though.) 

The date: Frickin' awesome. I had a blast. I've never done improv comedy, or theater games (despite being something of a theater nerd) or anything like that. It was wicked fun. I sucked, but it was cool anyway 'cause as far as I can tell no one cared. And better than that... there were theater people there!

Theater people are loud, interesting, witty, kinesthetic and awesome. In short, they are exactly my kind of people, and they are exactly the people I was despairing of ever meeting on this campus. They know how to play, make friends instantly and are comfortable in their own skins... which is pretty much the polar opposite of most people here. 

So that was great. I'm going back next week, which will tie into another long-term experiment/project. (I'm beginning to think "experiments" is the wrong word for what I'm doing here... it's more like "experiences.")

What I learned: 

What I learned is something I'd forgotten. You have more fun when you get out there, just for the sake of getting out there. I didn't actually think the group was going to be any good. I didn't know whether it was a performance or a workshop. I didn't know much about it and didn't actually want to go... knowing that I was going to write about it was the only thing that kept me from completely flaking.

Try this:

1. Skip Craigslist. Seriously. The ads on there are pathetic and hilarious for a reason. Meeting through a Wanted Ad is no way to meet... there's no room to build rapport, discover if there's chemistry or even get an inkling if you like the person, and if you build up your hopes, you're going to end up one depressed ducky.

2. Go out and do something. I don't care what. I don't care where. I don't care if other people are involved or if you're alone. I don't care if it's good or lame. Just go do something you've never done. What's something you've been meaning to go to or try for a while? Go do it. This week.

3. Keep doing it. I used to be really good at this. I'd go to a new club or association every week. I met foreign students, aspiring pilots, math majors celebrating Pi Day (dang good party, too), anime nuts, jazz musicians, and a million other awesome people. I stopped for a while for who knows what reason, but I'm starting up again. It's so worth it.

4. Wander out of your comfort zone. I suck at improv comedy. It was fun anyway. I suck at math. Pi Day was a blast anyway. I don't like asking favors of strangers. I asked anyway and got to go under the stage of Macbeth and see how half the tech aspects of the show were run. It's uncomfortable and scary, even in the little things. I know that. But a lot of my coolest memories come from getting out of the comfort zone. 

(Note: this is easier if you have a safe place you can go back to. A loving home, a laptop with Star Trek and nachos, a beloved potted plant... whatever it is, just have something secure and accepting to go back to, otherwise all this getting-out-of-the-comfort-zone can kinda freak you out.)

Final notes:

Morals of the story: 

1) Friends don't let friends date on Craigslist

2) However, Craigslist does host more than sex maniacs, homicidal creeps and bitter gun advocates... sometimes they're just nice, reserved people who aren't the type to Go Out And Meet People

3) Sometimes the silver lining is way bigger than the cloud

4) Improv comedy is fun

5) So is getting out of your comfort zone for a few hours with fun, accepting people

6) Getting out of your apartment once in a while is a beautiful thing... and sometimes you'll even get your homework done anyway

Next challenge: Facebook Fast

Photos by House of Sims and Mild Mannered Photographer

Personality Types

I love personality quizzes. It's fascinating how the infinite complexity of human beings can be distilled into a series of types without those humans losing any of their uniqueness. Below are some good ones I've found.

Future posts will take this a step further into the mystical exploring horoscopes, graphology and iridology, all of which have been frequently called "nonsense" but may provide some fun insights anyway. After all, this is personal development... there're no rules here!

Post your results in the comments if you'd care to share... I'm intrigued to see what ya'll are, and, more importantly, if you agree.

Jung Typology Test
This test is similar to the Myers-Briggs, the main difference as far as I can tell being that you don't have to pay for this one. I got the same result as I have with other longer Jung typology tests, but this one is shorter and easier to understand.

My result:
INTJ (slightly expressed introvert, distinctively expressed intuitive personality, moderately expressed thinking personality, moderately expressed judging personality)

For more information on your results, visit TypeLogic.

The Color Code
This test sorts people into four colors, each of which has a dominant trait associated with it. There's red (power), yellow (fun), blue (relationships) and white (peace). It's unique in that it asks you to answer these questions according to how you were as a child. The free version of the test will tell you your dominant color but not the percentages of the other colors. For the full report, it's something like $40, or you can get the book.

WARNING: You have to supply your email address, then go check your email to activate your account and get the link to your results. May not sound like much but I hate extra steps.

My result:
Reds (Motive: Power) (43.13%)
Reds are motivated by Power. They seek productivity and need to look good to others. Simply stated, Reds want their own way. They like to be in the driver's seat and willingly pay the price to be in a leadership role. Reds value whatever gets them ahead in life, whether it be in their careers, school endeavors, or personal life. What Reds value, they get done. They are often workaholics. They will, however, resist doing anything that doesn't interest them.

(This, by the way, is all true.)

The Enneagram Test
Again, this is the free version. There are roughly a billion questions but they made sense so it went quickly. The Enneagram test links you to one of nine numbers, each of which correspond to a personality type. The results are pretty darn accurate if mine are anything to go by. (Except the intellectualism-to-cover-insecurity thing. I get all intellectual so I don't get bored.)

My result:
You are most likely a type 5: The Investigator.
Taking wings into account, you seem to be a 5w4. [5w4 means 5, with a "wing," or secondary type of 4]

The Color Quiz
Not to be confused with The Color Code, The Color Quiz is less of a personality indicator and more of a current mood indicator. It's a lot of fun, even if it does get its genders mixed up sometimes.

My results:
Not posting them as it's a rather large chunk of text and it'll change in twenty minutes anyway. Check it out for yourself; it's cool.