Lovely self-disclosing post about relationships

It's time for another all-about-me blog, because I have realized something delicious.

Some friends and I were talking about relationships several months back and one of them said that he has this theory that your first relationship determines the rest of your relationships.

My thought: Oh, crap. Because 1) I think his theory is a good one; I've seen it and similar theories play out, and 2) my first relationship sucked.

I blame my own desperation/depression/loneliness, because when you've decided that no one is going to think of you as anything more than a friend and/or that weird smart awkward home schooled kid, your prospects get a little gloomy. And when a guy pays attention to you, like you're a girl or something, it goes to your head.

(For the record, I have now realized a couple things: 1) Guys always realize you're a girl, 2) the weird smart awkward home school thing is kinda hot, and 3) loneliness and depression are the worst reasons to get into a relationship on the planet.)

Anyway, this guy and I dated. Things ended two months later. Things really ended a few months after that when I realized who he was vs. who he'd been pretending to be and I'll admit I've never quite forgiven him.

(Sidebar: I realize there is a slim chance he may yet read this. We still travel in the same social circles and the internet makes the world tiny, so there is a chance. I do not apologize for anything I'm saying here nor for saying it, but I will acknowledge that he probably had his reasons for doing what he did and may have been going through more than I thought at the time. However, I'm telling this story from my side.)

So anyway, that relationship was a real downer. And my next one was not a relationship at all but an extended flirtation where I acted in ways I'm not proud of and didn't respect myself very much. After two such failures and no successes you start to see yourself as being pretty incapable.

But then I had a wonderful realization:

Boyfriend #1 wasn't my first relationship at all.

It was definitely my first flirtation, first physical involvement, first experience with couplehood, first fling. People saw us as an us and we definitely dated.

But it wasn't a relationship at all. A relationship requires communication (lacking), trust (lacking), respect (lacking), long-term affection (sort of there but mostly lacking), planning for the future (not lacking, but when it happened I went all fight-or-flight), honesty (lacking), confidence (lacking) and a sense of being together for a long time because there is nothing you want more (lacking).

Turns out my real first relationship was with my best friend.

The only thing we didn't do was kiss (pretty good thing, too, seeing as how we're straight) but everything was there. Communication, deeply and daily. Trust, with my life. Respect, 100%. Long-term affection, absolutely. Planning for the future, constantly and wonderfully. Honesty, more so than I am with anyone outside my family. Confidence, yes, and when it's not there we're there to buoy one another up. Sense of togetherness, absolutely --- I'm a commitment-phobe but I have no problem knowing that I will be there for her as long as she needs or wants me.

She was and is my first real relationship, and it's a wonderful one. I'm not afraid about screwing up with someone now --- I don't suck at relationships. In fact, I'm pretty good at ours. I love her like she's my sister and I've chosen a wonderful person to love. She's remarkable, and beautiful, and loving and I'm better when I'm around her.

She wasn't a fling and she wasn't a flirtation. I'm not saying I'll never have those again --- I'm rather planning on it --- but I'm realizing that they don't count. What counts are the things that teach you how to love, and my friendship with her has done that where that supposed "first relationship" failed. So it doesn't count. She does. And, best of all, I don't have to break up with her when I do find a nice guy. ;)