Follow Your Gut - #18

Format: Long-term project, though not intentional till a few months in.
Goal: Make decisions using my instincts, not my thoughts or more superficial emotions.
Goal met? More or less. And even less, in this case, is way more useful than any other kind of decision-making.

So here's what happened...
This project came about kind of on accident.

Long story short (we both know that's a lie; it's not going to be short): I was dating this really marvelous guy. He wanted to marry me. I kind of wanted to marry him -- my head said it was a great decision and my emotions agreed. My gut, however, kept going "No," in that obey-or-die voice your mom used on you when you were three.

The whole head-heart-gut disagreement is obnoxious and exhausting, particularly when a boy is involved. One night in the middle of everything, when I was overthinking and overfeeling and up way too late with anxiety, I remembered how nice and peaceful my acting classes had felt during our mindful breathing /body awareness warmups.

Photo by crdotx via Flickr.

 "Hey," I thought. "I'm probably freaking out because I haven't recharged in a while."

So I breathed. The goal with conscious breathing is to focus only on your breathing. It's a game -- you count how many breaths you can take before your attention wanders. It took a while, but finally I settled into that calm space where it feels like everything on the inside of me is melting away into everything outside of me and it's all one big sameness. And with that sameness, my muscles relaxed like they hadn't in a month or so and I got a very distinct voice giving me some advice.

"Be still," it said. Just that. "Be still." No "And know that I am God" or anything... Just the advice to be still, with the understanding that things would work themselves out and that it would all be okay. I texted my boyfriend an excited "Omg I totally just had an epiphany!" and he was like, "Um... okay... cool?" because it's very hard to explain these things to people who haven't had them with you.

And then life sped up again and stuff happened and it was all very dramatic, but I managed to hold onto the still sameness feeling in the moments when it was really critical. And that still feeling always, always tells me to follow my gut. Heck, I think maybe that feeling is my gut.

Over the next couple weeks, my head/heart/gut had a lot of pretty important conversations. Like this one:

Head: You could probably marry this boy for X, Y, and Z reasons. However, you should wait a while and see what happens, and in the meantime work on your job prospects. (Sometimes my head really doesn't get that there's an emotional crisis going on.)
Heart: We really love him and he's being nice and you're going to hurt him!
Gut: Nope. This isn't right. Let him go. It'll be okay.

I followed my gut, let the boy go with all my best wishes, and faced an uncertain and intimidating future with a long-absent calm that told me it had been a good decision.

A few weeks later I found myself hanging out with a friend. We'd had this weird friendship for years that was mostly peppered by a lot of "But does s/he like me like me?" awkwardness.

Head: You are going to be sensible and not kiss this man. You're going to stay single and pursue your professional goals. We decided not to marry the last boy. We should probably not be going there with this one. Besides, we do not do rebound relationships.
Heart: I'm scared. Boys are scary. Relationships are scary. We're bad at relationships. It is way too soon to be kissing anyone!
Gut: Kiss that boy. You love him.

I got quiet and followed my gut. Good decision. ;) A while later:

Head: Are you crazy? You are going to have an established career and probably a mortgage before you get married. The decision-making areas of your brain aren't fully formed until age 25, and studies have shown that women who delay marriage until that age have more stable blah blah blah...
Heart: I love him! I'm in love with him! Marriage is super scary! Aah! Identity crisis! But I love him! But it's scary! But he's so wonderful! What am I doing? Aah! Love! Fear! Infatuation! Insecurity! Feeeeelings!
Gut: Marry him.

Photo by Emily-White via Flickr.

I knew by this time where the good decisions were, and how useless it is to follow anything but my gut. Ever since that first moment where I got the message to be still and got quiet enough to realize what was going on inside me, I've been making most of my decisions like this. I took a lower-paying but more consistent job because it felt better in my gut. We got an apartment with a friend instead of getting one by ourselves. That's still in the beginning stages, but so far, good decision. I got a strong gut message to keep working on my homeschooling website, and some clarity about where it needs to go from here. So far, these have all been good decisions, and paid off in ways I didn't expect.

If I don't follow my gut, everything else falls out of whack. If I do, one beautiful thing falls into place after another, and one day I wake up married to quite literally the man of my dreams and on my way to the kind of future I'm actually daring to admit I want.

Try this: 
Listening to your gut, much of the time, involves literal physical feelings. Your gut really can "tie itself in knots," your heart can "burst out of your chest," something can "give you a headache," and you really can be "sick to your stomach."

In Martha Beck's fabulous book, Finding Your Own North Star, she has detailed exercises in Chapters 2 and 3 that are designed to help you realize when your instinct and body are telling you "Yes" or "No." They're great exercises and I do them whenever I need a refresher. (You can find Finding Your Own North Star at any library or purchase it through Amazon or by clicking the linked title in this post. It's worth owning.)

Here's an abridgment of the exercise, which works pretty well in a pinch. (Note: It's important to do the "no" exercise first, so the "yes" can bring you out of it and into a better mood. Doing "no" last can throw off your whole day.)

1. Scan your body. 
See how you're feeling today, what your emotions are like, and where any tension is. Breathe in and out a few times, focusing on the breath, and try to relax. Once you've done that, scan again and see how you're feeling. You don't have to change anything dramatic -- just take note of where you're at, physically and emotionally.

2. Find your "no" feeling

Photo by BLW Photography via Flickr.

Think of the worst, most stressful situation ever. This can be a real situation in your life or one you've never experienced but that makes you very, very worried. Now make it worse. Layer on something terrible. I'm not talking tragedies here, just a series of stressful things and people. Imagine yourself with a few people who make you nervous and uncomfortable (that super-perfect friend you can't get away from?), somewhere you hate (a boring job that makes you feel like your life is dribbling away into a meaningless void?), doing something that exhausts you (making small talk?), and you've just made a really stupid mistake (just said something snarky about your boss... and s/he was standing right behind you?). Imagine everything about the situation just feels wrong and you're stuck in it. Really imagine it. Go out of your way to feel like you're actually there. The goal is to be somewhere you do not want to be.

For me, this situation looks like this:

I'm at a baby shower (I feel awkward at these things, regardless of how excited I am for the new mom) with a really bubbly, talented, and needy acquaintance, a woman I used to babysit for, and a woman I used to work with. I just wasted two hours and a ton of gas trying to find this party, had an argument with my mom, and have to stay at this thing for two whole hours before I have to leave to a job I hate and that doesn't pay me enough. Everyone is looking at me and I don't know what they're expecting.

Once you find that feeling, figure out what's changed in your body. For me, this means my sternum feels like it's receded back into my chest till it's practically touching my spine. My stomach clenches up in knots and my solar plexus chakra turns into a hard, vibrating lump of goo. I slouch and try to withdraw into myself, and a bunch of tension shows up in my neck and shoulders.

For you, this may mean a jittery stomach, tension between your eyes, or a sudden headache. Whatever it is, notice this feeling. Really figure out how it's playing out and memorize it so you can recognize it later.

3. Let it go.
Relax as much as you can. Take some deep breaths, get up and dance around, and let as much of the "no" feeling as you can disappear. If it doesn't go away completely, that's okay -- the next step will clear it out.

4. Find your "yes" feeling.
This is exactly like finding your "no," but in reverse. Imagine yourself with people who make you feel like your best self (your sister and that really optimistic acquaintance you don't really know but who always makes you feel better about life?), in a place where you feel relaxed and happy (your backyard on the Fourth of July?), doing something that always gives you a ton of energy (talking enthusiastically about Pokemon? Don't laugh; this works for my little brother!). Imagine that the weather is perfect, that everyone is in a fabulous mood, that you have no deadlines or pressure, and that you can hang out here for as long as you want, no worries. This is somewhere that makes you feel like your best self.

For me, this means:

I'm sitting in a garden with my best friend, my husband, and a small handful of friends from the local theater who I always have amazing conversations with. The weather is gorgeous and calm, I've been taking down notes for a novel while we've been talking, and my husband is gently playing with my hair. I've had a productive day and can now sit down and give all my energy to the deep conversations and beautiful evening that surround me. Everyone is relaxed and in a good mood.

Photo by mikebaird via Flickr.

Now notice what's happened to your body. When I'm in this happy place, all my muscles get soft and flexible and a bubble expands behind my sternum till it's pressing on the inside of my ribcage. I can feel a smile starting and my neck is loose and relaxed. All my limbs feel longer.

For you, this may mean your hands start to feel loose and expressive, or you get a huge grin, or your heart feels big. Whatever it is, take a minute to fully enjoy and experience the sensation. Notice everything about it and get its whole texture.

5. Remember those physical sensations.
Make sure both you remember both your "no" and "yes" feelings. Give them names (I just use "shrink" and "expand" to explain what happens to my sternum) and lodge them in your memory.

From here on out, start to notice when they show up. Does your "yes" feeling appear whenever you get talking to a coworker? Does your "no" feeling start to show up during family vacations? Take note of these physical feelings -- they're your subconscious conveying to you what you really feel and want.

It sounds simple, but the fastest path I've noticed to good decisions and a happy life is following those two signals. I pursue things that make me feel "yes" and move away from things that make me feel "no." I've been living by this consciously for about six months now, and it hasn't steered me wrong.

Coming Soon...
Possibly a series of experiments on women and religion... possibly more fun 'n' games with manifestation... We'll see.

Oh, Yentl - #17

So... I was looking at all my old posts and realized that I'd never published this, even though I finished it in June.


Oops.


So here's the original experiment. It may or may not be worth mentioning that I started dating this really great guy the next month. I've mostly given up on the girliness thing since, mostly because I'm on the cusp of one of those self-reinvention periods and jeans and T-shirts are the only thing that feel good right now... but at least I know I can do it if I need to, you know?

**************************

Screen shot of Yentl.

There's this theme in Yentl (which is totally worth a watch, if only because Mandy Patinkin is awesome) that I find myself playing out time and time again: I look at all these gorgeous, sexy, intelligent, soft, nurturing women and go, "Well, who wouldn't want a wife? I do. Women are amazing." Then I realize, "Oh yeah. I've got what they've got. Doh."

Main difference: I'm don't capitalize on my assets.

I mean, I've got a lot going for me, biologically speaking:

1. Long, gorgeous hair. I keep it up in a bun or ponytail most of the time.
2. A body that can pull off almost anything. I wear outdated shirts and jeans I've had since I was 16.
3. Amazing legs. The skin's kind of funny but I still like to sit and admire them sometimes.
4. Gracefulness, or so I infer from all the "you look like a ballerina" comments. I slouch under heavy bookbags and lumpy sweaters.
5. A facade of innocence, which combined with the sexiness, could be powerhouse.
6. Intelligence. This is the one thing I don't ignore/downplay.
7. A certain womanly disposition toward nurturing and being domestic. I'm usually too tired to do this, and don't have anyone on which to conveniently lavish my affections.

Another main liability when it comes to being one of those girls who looks like they've got it all figured out: I get really anxious around people. I'm... not shy, exactly. I just don't like it when people pay attention to me, because I'm never sure what they're thinking and I'm... insecure? Something like that. (Only when I'm around people. On my own and among confirmed friends my confidence levels are securely at above-rooftop levels.)

So this project is an attempt to capture the girliness and... well, shallowness, for lack of a better word... of all those gorgeous girls I see walking around. I probably won't go all the way with that (saving that for another, bigger experiment for when I'm not taking 21 credits), but it'll be a toe in the water.

*********

Format: One-week experiment

Goal: Do one thing every day to embrace girly side.

Goal met? Yup-yup.

So here's what happened:

June 7: Wore hair down. Took a long lazy bath at one in the morning (when I can stay in as long as I want 'cause roommates are asleep) with bubbles and goat milk soap and stuff. My legs are smooth and I feel very luxurious.

June 8: Nail polish! I'd actually been wearing it since this experiment, and stopped for a few days because I was just too busy. As soon as I stopped, my nails started cracking and I started picking at them and biting them again. Bad habit. Colorful nails tend to remind/motivate me to not pick or nibble, and also remind me to moisturize before bed... So I'm hoping that by next week I'll see some minor difference in my hands. I should mention that the polish looks like crap because I was in a hurry. But hey, effort: made.

No, these aren't my nails. They are pretty cool, though.
Photo by dreamglowpumpkincat210.

June 9: Hair down. I never wear my hair down--largely because some people tend to become absolutely fixated on my hair, which is awkward--but the thing is, when it's down I feel like someone awesome from a Juliet Marillier novel. My hair feels like a cape when it's loose and flowing all over my shoulders, and while it's not exactly fashionable and sometimes is way too much... it's also pretty awesome.

June 10: I put on makeup. By "makeup" I should explain that this means "eyeliner, mascara, lip gloss, and a tiny bit of brown eye shadow." This is a very big deal. The inclusion of the eye shadow alone is sort of remarkable. I don't really do makeup... But I look amazing with it on. I can't say that it really affects the way I feel--once it's on I forget about it until I rub my eyes and smear it all over--but every time I looked in the mirror I did an appreciative double-take.

June 11: Today, I frolicked. I didn't do anything remotely "feminine" as such... but I spent the day in the most gorgeous place on earth, which includes my favorite meadow (I have a favorite meadow). That was enough to make me feel all kinds of jubalicious. So... setting is important. So is wearing flowers in your hair and lying around in long grasses for hours and hours. :)

June 12: Hair down again. And walked around barefoot. I forget how important being barefoot is to my overall feeling of womanliness. Heels make me feel distinctly feminine and powerful, but bare feet make me feel magical.

June 13: My nails are black. I bought black polish because it was the color most likely to match stuff out of my options, but I wasn't sure if I'd like wearing it or if I'd just feel like some high school emo-goth. Turns out that I love it... It looks like my fingers are covered in shiny ink! Oh, and yes, my hands are looking much better in terms of moisture/general maintenance. I'm wearing earrings today too, and rings. Starting to get a little extreme here...

June 14: Today, I wore jeans and a badly-fitting university T-shirt. And I felt like a sexy, sexy woman. Go figure.

Conclusions:

I'm more chill with walking like a woman. I'm starting to stand straight when I walk and relax into a slouch when I'm sitting, which is the exact opposite of how things normally go.

Now Audrey did womanly right. Also: cat!
Photo by pwbaker.

I feel so self-absorbed with this experiment, like all the above updates are all, "Look, I'm so hot. Look at me, aren't I pretty? Look how pretty I am?" Gag. But my yang and yin sides have started to point at each other and yammer in my head, and they're kind of enthusiastic about this mutual appreciation society. So yeah. I'm gorgeous. (So are you, dear reader.)

So... I'm gonna call this one a success.

Try this:
If you're like me and are naturally awful at being womanly, imitation is your best friend. Pick one of those girly girls, pinpoint one thing they're doing right, and try it on. (Just one, ya'll. More than that and you'll start to feel insecure and not like yourself. Ease into this one.)

If you aren't like me and are naturally girly and cute... Well, more power to you. Carry on. :)

Coming Soon: Ground and Center. Probably.

Yes, And Presents - #16

Format: Minor project, do it till it's done
Goal: Manifest free stuff
Goal met? And how.

So here's what happened...
I was reading this book (The Trick to Money is Having Some) that had been floating around my parents' house for a while. In one of the early chapters, the author talked about how he'd made a deal with the universe: It would provide for him, and he would accept its gifts graciously. He said that after this decision, he started attracting free stuff--not money, but coupons, gifts, etc.

Photo by Terwilliger911

"Ah!" methought. "Good idea." So I did the same thing. It was pretty simple... I just sent out the intention to gather a bunch of little free presents to myself, and promised that I'd be on the lookout and accept whatever was sent.

Within the next three days, I'd found, lying on the ground:

• quite a bit of loose change
• a buy-a-custard-get-free-fries coupon (actually, I found three of these... must have been a big promotion going on)
• a sno cone buy-9-get-the-10th-free punch card, with 9 holes punched out and the 10th just waiting for me (and when I went to get the free cone, I got a buy-one-get-one-free coupon)

After that I sort of went, "Awesome! Thanks!" and forgot about trying to focus on this... but little presents keep coming. It's sweet. Literally, in some cases.

Try this: 
Set out the intention, yaddi-yadda, you've heard all this before if you read this blog.

The trick is to accept whatever comes. As my favorite fairy godmother says, "You're meant to accept it. Graciously." I've noticed that whenever I'm attempting something like this, as soon as I start getting picky and rejecting things that don't line up just right, the nice things just sorta dry up. And as soon as I'm grateful again, they keep piling on.

Of course, you don't have to take whatever comes if you don't quite want it. I like to play "Yes, And" at that point. "Yes, And" is a theatre/improvisation game, where every time someone introduces anything new to the scene, you have to go with it and build on it. Your scene partner says, "Behold! I come in riding on my purple dragon!" and you go, "Yes! And the dragon has a feather duster for a tail!" and start using the tail to sweep the room up, and the next person has to be okay with that and add something to it.

Here's a video demonstrating the game:



Works great with manifestation, too. Get something that's cool but not quite your thing, and emotionally/mentally respond with "Yes! And you know what would be even cooler? This same thing except orange!" And usually the universe will respond. Not necessarily with something orange, but with something just a little better than what you got before. (Despite all those stories you hear about people manifesting ridiculously specific things, I think for the most part that energy responds to your positive or negative energy, not your demands or specifics. But with lots of good stuff coming your way all the time, the universe is bound to hit the nail on the head a fair bit.)

Give this one a try, folks... Super easy and low-committment, and very rewarding if you tend to be easily pleased. :)

Coming Soon...
Eh, I dunno. Something cool.

Dontcha Wish Your Girlfriend... - #14

Format: 21-day project
Goal: Relate to myself like I would to someone I was in a good relationship with for 21 days.
Goal met? And how.

So here's what happened:I went to get lunch today on campus because I wasn't going to have time to go home between classes/meetings, and I've been skipping meals too much lately. Immediate panic attack: I don't believe in spending money if I can get something cheaper-better elsewhere. But I put my foot down (yes, with myself) and just bought the stupid pizza slice.

Then I saw a girl standing across the checkout from me with two takeout boxes, the other one presumably for a friend/boyfriend/husband. And I realized: If I'd been getting lunch for someone else I cared about, I wouldn't have cared about the cost or value. I'd have just done it and been happy they had a nice lunch.

The obvious conclusion: I don't treat myself like I'd treat someone I love. Even though I do love myself, quite a lot. I think the issue is that I know what I can handle--I know that skipping lunch wouldn't have done more than given me a headache and maybe low energy. But I never know what other people can handle, or if they're just being polite when they say they're okay with [whatever], so I go the extra mile to make sure they're happy and comfortable.

So here's the plan: For the next 21 days, I am going to endeavor to treat myself the way I'd treat someone I was in a healthy friendship/relationship with. (Ties into the idea of self-marriage, which I quite like.) All the time. No exceptions. Wish me luck.

Day 1: Bought a pizza slice. Big freaking deal, right? But certain courses may foreshadow certain ends... *dun dun dun*

As a side note, I'm hoping this project will help me get more in tune with a relationship vibe. I haven't been on a real date in way longer than I'd like to admit and haven't been in a relationship in even longer, and while I love being alone, the number of couples around me is increasingly weirding me out and I think I need to get back into the swing of things just to remember what all the fuss is about. My chronic singleness, while enjoyable, is distancing me more than I'd like from the rest of humanity.

Later: I'm noticing a strange duality. All day I've been asking myself what I want or how I'm feeling, and it's like the masculine half is the one doing the asking, then the feminine half does the answering, then the masculine half either takes action to make the feminine half happy, or gently reasons with the feminine half to come up with a better plan of action. Very weird.

Day 2: I'm becoming self-indulgent. Took a two-hour nap after class this morning. Gorgeous.

This way of relating to myself is also making me much less stressed out by... how do I explain this? Certain types of boy tend to gravitate towards me. These are either:

• awkward guys who think I'm pretty but who become monosyllabic drones when I talk to them;
• 30-year-olds who still think they're 19, who have been single long enough to develop the guts to say "Hey beautiful" twelve times a day, and haven't been single long enough to realize that this doesn't work;
• guys who date me for my hair (this actually happens);
• guys who just like a challenge; or
• guys who become fixated on me because a) I'm a girl nerd, b) they have somehow envisioned me as a video game character, or c) they have this idea that I can be their maiden of Camelot with alabaster skin and flowing tresses, yaddi-yadda; i.e., I am apparently a good blank slate for general fantasy fulfillment. What can I say? I contain a multitude of archetypes.

It's hilarious sometimes but usually just tends to make me snippy toward men who could even hypothetically fit into one of these categories. (Sorry, guys I'm snippy to who are actually just being nice. I'm jaded.) But this project has made me be able to shake off my irritation more easily. I encountered one of the above guys today and it didn't really bug me, because hey, I was taken, and me and myself were going to go home later and enjoy each other's company and be relieved that we weren't with one of Those Boys.

Day 3: Apparently I like it when my girlfriend looks good. Since I started this I've been much more attentive to my appearance, because my "male"/assertive/yang half appreciates it. I'm wearing nail polish and makeup and stuff. Bizarre. (I should clarify something here... My yang half does not care about perfection or traditional cosmetically-enhanced "feminine beauty". We see images of women in the media that are perfectly beautiful, and I tend to find that sad and repulsive before I find it beautiful. The thing my yang half finds attractive is visual interest. Colors, movement, curves, artistic touches... it likes visually expressed creative playfulness.)

Day 4: Didn't focus much on this today. I'm having a weird thing with food, which I'll be doing an experiment on in a couple of weeks. Also, this whole duality thing does not keep me from missing human contact.

Day 5: Today was exhausting. I told myself yesterday that I needed to stop taking naps, but today I got home from rehearsal and it was nice to be able to have the one side go, "But I said I wasn't going to nap!" and then the other side say, as it would to someone else, "Um, hi, you're on the verge of a breakdown. Sleep." It's like being my own mother. (Where exactly does this fit in the Oedipal scheme of things...?)

Day 6: On that note, Happy Mother's Day. My family basically postponed Mother's Day, so I stayed home and was incredibly self-indulgent. (Self-indulgent: spend the entire day sewing and watching Star Trek. There are few sweeter joys.)

Day 7: Felt like crap and didn't give a single thought to this experiment.

Day 8: BLAAAAAAAAAAAH. Felt like crap again, but figured out why. Most of this paragraph is going to consist of TMI for any men reading this, so skip if you don't want to hear about it. I've been on birth control for the past few years as a hormone/cycle regulation (10 days on, 12 days off, 10 days on, ladies--not fun) and went off it about a year ago. Since then my body's been adjusting to its own natural rhythms, which, it appears, include PMS. I'd forgotten what the whole wanting-to-cut-out-my-own-uterus thing was like... The upshot is that it's given me a real opportunity to baby myself and not feel guilty about it.

Days 9–12: Holy busy, Batman. Main realization over the last couple of days: I am one foxy nerdy lady, and I feel really lucky that I get to take myself home every night. ;)

Day 13: Apparently the confidence-through-the-roof that being your own girlfriend creates is effective. All day at church today, guys were doing double takes and stopping in the middle of conversations to stare at me. And it wasn't 'cause I had broccoli in my teeth, either. Very strange. I suppose I should've taken the opportunity to flirt or something, but mostly I just felt weird and headed out really fast after the service. But... still. Flattering.

Day 14: Um... someone (a boy someone) used the love word. Which was... Well. That's all I'm saying on that right now. But odd. And the grounded feeling that this experiment is doing a good job at keeping me level-headed about it. So... this is good.

Days 15-16: When my sides get angry at each other, Yin is the first to look like she might be sorry, then Yang is the first to actually apologize, and then they hug. Not literally, of course, but that's the best way I can think of to describe the emotional back-and-forth. These two have actual conversations in my head sometimes. In our head. It's odd.

Day 17: Date night tonight! It's been such a good day, and I want to slow down and enjoy it. So tonight, Yin and Yang are going to come home after rehearsal, ignore homework, eat whatever we darn well please, do whatever we darn well please, and mostly just enjoy each other's company.

Day 18: So... date night didn't happen last night. I got home from rehearsal and just slept. Date night was tonight. TV and mani/pedi time. It was lush, and I felt like I was spending my time in a worthwhile way, because I was nurturing myself. It's almost as satisfying as nurturing a pet, which is saying a lot.

On another note, I had a great conversation with my grandma today. My grandpa passed away last year, and while it's been hard for her, I get the impression that she's been able to get back in touch with herself, and it's brought a new level of decisiveness and self-nurturing to her that I've never seen before. If and when I get into a "relationship," I want to hold onto the conscious self-awareness I'm experiencing now.

Day 19: Glorious Sunday and its lack of classes. Been lazy today (major relief after the last two weeks of go-go-go) and while I feel slightly guilty about not accomplishing anything, including stuff I want to do just for me, I've got this weird back-and-forth going on where my sides are both validating each other's decision to be lazy, even if they can't validate their own. This could become a vicious cycle, but it's sort of just nice right now. And if we do end up being productive later, it'll be a relief to give into our mutual guilt and commiserate over that. (One can commiserate with oneself. It's kinda cool.)

Day 20: Spent the evening with some of my favorite people. (I'm related to them.) It was great. Didn't think about this experiment at all. Was more concerned with thinking about my cat (I'm sort of related to her). But I don't really need to think about this anymore. It just kinda is what it is, and I love it.

Day 21: Today, I did not go buy a donut, because, though that would have been awesome and satisfied a craving, the only donuts in walking distance were crap and I deserve better than that. So tonight I'm going to go home and make apple pastries for date night. We start with food, we end with food. (Date night, by the way, is awesome and will be happening frequently from here on out.)

This is the end of this experiment, folks, but not the end of this way of relating to myself. I've loved this, and I'm so much kinder to myself than I was a month ago. Consciously kind. Consciously sympathetic. Consciously loving.

I love the duality this experiment has brought up. I love the way it split me into these two halves that can converse and balance each other out. I love the way it brought to light the fact that yes, you can be complete alone, and no, completion doesn't always mean you don't still need other people. Oddly, though I'd hoped this would help me develop a more relationship-friendly attitude, it's mostly just made me more confident that I don't want one right now.

I am my own girlfriend. I'd thought about this idea before (and discussed it with my dear friend Kealeigh), but I wasn't really living it. But now I am. And I will. Because this is awesome.

*hugs self*

*and all of you*

Try this:
Do this experiment. Think of yourself as someone else. You'll feel it out as you go, and only you can figure out what self-love looks like in your own life. But do, because it's wonderful.

Coming Soon... Enjoying life, goshdarnit. (Probably not wanton hedonism... but a little hedonism.) And maybe something with religion. If you have any ideas, send 'em this way.

An Apple A Day - #13

Note: I'm bolding key phrases/ideas to improve skimmability. Let me know if it helps you.

Format: Week-long experiment
Goal: Work produce into half my meals for a week.
Goal met? Not quite... but got results anyway.

Why this experiment?
I do Bountiful Baskets, which is this awesome produce co-op, and so I'm usually incorporate a fair bit of produce into my diet. The other week they'd run out of baskets before I had a chance to order, so I went back to eating whatever else was in my cupboard, which mostly meant tuna fish and pasta. The first day, my energy just crashed. I felt heavy and sick and was not a happy camper. And I figured it had something to do with the food. A week later and I'm okay, but not especially energetic. I sleep 8-9 hours a night and don't function well on less, and have an okay amount of energy during the day with lots of little peaks and crashes. So, a week after my carbs- and fats-heavy diet, I'm switching back to produce. Not a drastic switch: My goal is to work produce into at least half of my meals throughout the week.

(Note on the tallies at the end of each day--I'm being really loose with my numbers here and will count a snack as a meal.)

So here's what happened:
Day 1 (March 15)
Breakfast: Skipped. Was late to church.
Lunch: Leftover eggs and ice cream with homemade Magic Shell topping. (Mostly just trying to use up my non-experiment-friendly food.
Dinner: Fried carrots and radishes with ketchup.
Misc. Snackage: A couple of chocolates that were lying around my room.
Produce in: 1/3

Day 2 (March 16)
Breakfast: An apple. I know, part of this complete breakfast, right?
Lunch: Leftover pasta/cheese sauce.
Dinner: Curry soup with yams and radishes and carrots. Yum.
Misc. Snackage: Oreos and milk.
Produce in: 2/4

Day 3 (March 17)
Breakfast: Apple and graham crackers/milk.
Lunch: Egg salad with pickles and tomatoes.
Dinner: Mac and cheese. I was lazy, ok?
Misc. Snackage: Crackers
Produce in: 2/4

Day 4 (March 18)
Breakfast: Graham crackers/milk.
Lunch: Scrambled eggs with tomatoes and green pepper.
Dinner: Salad (Romaine with radishes and Italian dressing; so good) and fried potatoes and carrots and peppers and tomatoes.
Misc. Snackage: Ice cream.
Produce in: 2/4

Day 5 (March 19)
Breakfast: Pancakes.
Lunch: Eggs with peppers and tomatoes.
Dinner: Mini crullers and sparkling pomegranate-blueberry juice. 'Cause what healthier way to end your day?
Misc. Snackage: Cadbury hot chocolate. Oh. My. Goodness.
Produce in: 1/4

Day 6 (March 20)
Breakfast: Cantaloupe.
Lunch: Fish sticks.
Dinner: Fried potatoes and peppers.

Misc. Snackage: Crackers, cupcake.
Produce in: 2/4

Day 7 (March 21)
Breakfast: Slept through. Bliss. Also good headache cure...
Lunch: Cantaloupe.
Dinner: Tuna sandwiches with tomatoes and pickles.
Misc. Snackage: Homemade peanut butter cups. (SO GOOD.)
Produce in: 2/3


TOTAL: 12/26 (so about 46%)


Conclusions:
I have a horrible diet, as a rule. It's twenty kinds of generic and I eat too much pasta and ice cream. To be honest, though, this probably won't change. I really like pasta and ice cream.

And the main conclusion: Working produce into my diet makes a huge difference in terms of energy and mood. Interestingly, this experiment made my energy levels better--I managed less sleep than usual with no naps and was okay, if not great--but my mood worse--straight carbs and fats tend to keep my body and mind sort of full and dull, whereas this mixed sort of diet made me feel full but not dull, which meant more emotionally sensitivity.

Realization: If you don't especially like your life, emotional sensitivity is not necessarily a good thing. Or, correction, if you generally like your life but don't like much of the stuff that's going on in it. My body wasn't busy digesting and dealing with all the processed junk I was putting into it, so I had a lot more energy left over for mental processes... which meant a lot of angsty analyzing of who I am and what I want and all my issues with this school and religion and men and yaddi-yadda-yadda-yadda... but I was also more attuned to all the pretty flowers and nice things people said... so all day I was bouncing up and down from bliss to gloom to bliss again. Not recommended.

This moodiness is something I've heard of happening when you first move to veganism and especially raw foodism, but I hadn't expected to see the difference so pronounced in such a minor diet shift. I mean, I just went from tuna sandwiches to tuna sandwiches with tomatoes in them... but there was a huge change in both energy and mood.

Still... I recommend bumping up one level of produce consumption because a) the energy boost is awesome, and b) veggies are just more healthy than mac and cheese. I'll be keeping this up, and moving more toward a produce-based diet. I may even get as far as one produce basket per week... But we'll see.

Try this:
If you can get it in your area, Bountiful Baskets is amazing. You get a ton of produce for $15. I get one every other week and split with a friend and her husband, because a whole basket will usually last us that long. It's so much cheaper than produce from the store, and there are always cool surprises--a few weeks ago we got okra in our baskets. I always thought I hated okra (word to the wise: DO NOT BOIL IT) but got creative and found that okra pancakes are delicious.

Coming Soon... Being My Own Girlfriend. This one's kinda fun.

Photos by ariztravel, JD Hancock, *Zoha,N, epSos.de, catsper

Magic Anklet - #12

Format: Experiment. I figured I'd give it a week.
Goal: Have more and better social interactions, using a cord set with intentions.
Goal met? Holy effective, Batman.
Terms you should know: 
Intention: Pretty much what it sounds like. An intention is an intention. In energy/spiritual work, the idea of the intention is more concrete and there's a general idea of spiritual power behind it.

So here's what happened:
After the third solid week in a row of feeling like a friendless loser (because I am generally anti-social, at least when I'm at school, and have been spending a lot of time in my room instead of the rest of the apartment in order to avoid my roommate and her awkward relationships with her four awkward almost-boyfriends), I decided enough was enough. I wasn't exactly ready to go out and Meet People (so not my thing), but figured the least I could do was to start changing the way I was looking at this whole playing-nicely-with-others deal. 


Which is to say, I wanted to use a ritual or other physical action that had a chance of tangibly changing my thoughts. The goal was to move from a general attitude of "Why are you looking at me, @*&@#?? Back off before I punch your #*%&#(* teeth in, *#&%*;@!" to, I dunno, something less confrontational and antagonistic. Like "Hi," maybe.


I remember reading something in a novel (probably by Juliet Marillier) about working magic into cords. I thought that was a poetic idea, and I was in a crafty mood, so I dug out some embroidery floss. I used sparkly red to symbolize my root chakra (which relates to security, feeling grounded, and having basic needs met), orange for my sacral chakra (which relates to creativity, sexuality, and romantic relationships), and sparkly green for my heart chakra (which relates to universal love and general relationships). Put on a TV show that made me happy and started braiding.


The whole time I kept in mind the intention that I wanted to have more positive relationships, romantic and platonic, with everyone around me, and wanted to go back to operating from the place of love that I bring to my relationships back home. I wanted to have friends because I liked them and they liked me, not because I was lonely and needed someone to fix my loneliness. And I wanted to become interested in people again, because I'd hit this place where everyone I didn't already know seemed insufferably boring. I knew that was off but I hadn't been able to make my mind change courses.


I happened to do this the night before the full moon (see Supermoon/Equinox video), and set the intentions about wanting positive, enriching relationships/interactions. The night of the full moon I did it again, and again the next day, which happened to be the spring equinox. Then I let the little charm do its thing.


Now, I don't know that the anklet itself had any special energy voodoo going on. Maybe it did -- I'm certainly not ruling the possibility out -- but maybe it was the intention and reminder of having a cord tied around my ankle that helped me change courses, like having a reminder string tied around your finger or a purple anti-complaining bracelet. I fall into the camp of "if it works, use it," and boy, did it work.


Three days later, I had gone from being tired, antisocial, and unable to make small talk to:

• chatting for four hours with girls from my class during lab; they turned out to be completely awesome and exactly the kind of people I like being around;
• somehow or other magically getting on the good side of a teacher who hadn't seemed particularly interested in me most of the semester;
• getting hired on the spot for my job next semester, despite a mix-up with applications and someone already having been hired for my position;
• being flirted with by a guy from a class who is super-interesting and cute (and literate while texting, which is one of my holy grails);
• having a fantastic conversation about religion, totalitarian states, and Rocky Horror Picture Show with two awesome people, completely out of the blue; 
• having acquaintances and casual friends approach me and strike up interesting, below-the-surface conversations;
• being helped way above and beyond the call of duty by a charming woman at the post office;
• being involved in an awesome theatrical/musical production in town; and
• being chatted up by a rather interesting stranger who ended up asking for my number (which hasn't happened in way more than I'd like to admit).

I mean, how cool is that? Something about having that intention wrapped around my ankle as a reminder appears to have done something to my mojo and made me attractive to all sorts of people and interested in them back. I suspect it's switched around a bunch of my subconscious beliefs and habits and in turn switched around all those subconscious body language/tone of voice signals I didn't realize I was giving off, and people respond to that.


Pretty sweet. Also, my anklet's cute.

Try this:
Make an anklet. Or find some other craft or project that feels good. Think about your intentions while you're working on it -- and make sure they feel 100% good to you -- and then wear whatever you make or put it somewhere you'll see it often. 


I can't emphasize the "make sure they feel good to you" thing enough. I originally had this idea in my head that the reason I was being so touchy was because I wasn't being feminine enough or something, and I was convinced that I needed to make a pink bracelet and embrace my inner girl. But my subconscious knew better and gave me a loud "Nope!" feeling, so I eventually ended up going with the chakras and focusing on openness to interactions with people and operating from a place of love, which was a way better decision. 


If your subconscious beliefs and emotional responses can't get behind the intentions you're setting, you're only going to sabotage yourself. I believe you always get what you really want, so make sure you know for sure what that is and find a way to bring it to the surface and work with, not against, it.

Coming Soon...
It was going to be a plants experiment but my nasturtiums aren't agreeing. Suggestions, post 'em in the comments.

Update! Rice Experiment

Check 'em out! It's been, what, three weeks? The Love rice has started to deflate a little, but there is still a major difference between them.

 

This still weirds me out a little. In a good way.

Happy rice.

Sad rice.

Mildly artsy rice shot, by which I mean, "Depth and wood grain, ooh shiny!"
Seriously, though. This is cool stuff.

Rice Intention Experiment

Attempting to use my webcam... Update on the rice experiment and what's coming up next!

Rice Intention Experiment - #11

Format: Week-long experiment with option of extending.
Goal: Do Masaru Emoto's rice intention experiment. See if it works.
Goal met? THIS IS SO COOL. (That's a yes.)

So here's what happened:
I was nosing around on various unschooling blogs and happened upon The Sparkling Martins. One of the posts was on the rice intention experiment. I was fascinated and decided that, while the blog was spiffy and all, I really wanted to try this one for myself. Soooooo... I did.

The idea with the rice experiment is that you can change the state of cooked rice by sending it emotions. If you send it love, it'll stay nice; if you send it hate, it'll get moldly and gross.

• Step 1: I cooked some rice and, meanwhile, found identical containers to put it in. I got two glass jars that had recently held pasta sauce, washed them out thoroughly (like, three times thoroughly) and let them dry completely. 
• Step 2: Once the jars were dry, I wrote words on them. One jar was the Hate Jar, and I wrote the suggested words on The Sparkling Martins blog ("I hate you, you fool") on it, in addition to a bunch of my own. All negative words, like "bad," "stupid," "you suck," "derision," etc. On the inside of the Bad Jar lid I wrote "HATE." On the Love Jar, I wrote "Thank you. I love you" as well as positive words like "gratitude," "kindness," "precious," and so forth. On the inside of that jar's lid I wrote "LOVE." 
• Step 3: I put equal amounts of rice in the jars. I'd read about how sometimes the rice lower in the cooker has trapped in more heat and moisture, which can mess with your results, so I made a point of getting the rice from the same levels and alternating spoonfuls. One into Love Jar, one into Hate Jar, one into Love Jar, one into Hate Jar, and so forth. I screwed the lids on really tight (trapping plenty of steam and moisture in there). 
• Step 4: The theory is that every day you treat each jar to its emotion for 30 seconds by picking it up, feeling as much hate/love as you can, and channeling that emotion toward the jar. I do not have that sort of self-discipline. In truth, I felt a lot of hate to the Hate Jar and a lot of love to the Love Jar on the first day, then put it in a high dark cupboard and forgot about it for a few days. On about day 3, I remembered and did it again, trying to make the emotions as intense as possible. I didn't see a whole lot of results at that point. Forgot about the jars again. Then, around day 7, I remembered the jars and went to go check on them. 

I was expecting to not have any results (or, rather, for both jars to have gone moldy, as that's what moist rice is prone to do over the course of a week), particularly as I'd done a very halfway job of this experiment. Instead...

Well, check it out:



Can you see that?! The Love Jar's rice is still in good shape. It's white, it's fluffy, it's beautiful. You can see water gathering at the bottom of the jar but it's clean water. The jar looks like I put rice in there an hour ago.

The rice in the Hate Jar, on the other hand, has deflated to about half its original size. The rice on the top has turned yellow and putrid, the rice on the bottom has gotten mushy, and on the whole it looks gross.

Here are some closer-ups.

Good rice:

Bad rice:



And that's after a week with inconsistent emotioning (that's a brand-new word, in case you were wondering). I think you can draw your own conclusions about this one. But seriously... How cool is that?!

Try this:
Do what I did, or google "rice intention experiment" for tips, articles, the efforts of people trying to debunk or prove the experiment, and all sorts of other goodies.

Coming Soon...
Dunno yet... But I'll keep you posted on the next week of the rice experiment for sure! Suggestions are, as always, welcome.

Sensing Chakras/Auras - #9

A few weeks ago, I went down with my friend Bekah to visit our friend Erin in Utah. Erin and I have been discussing chakras and energy fields for some time, and so we decided to see if we could do a bit of sensing.

Dang cool.

I wasn't intending to do it for this blog, but it fits great, so I'm sticking it in the usual format.


Format: One evening of playing around

Goal: Try to sense other people's chakras (I can already sense my own reasonably well)


Goal met? Yes yes and yes!


Terms you should know:

Chakra: Energy center in the body. Literally means "wheel" or "turning." More information can be found at Wikipedia or by doing a Google search.

Aura: Field of psychic energy surrounding the physical body. More info at Wikipedia.


So here’s what happened:

It all started when Erin started talking about problems she'd been having with her solar plexus chakra (which is located two or three finger widths above the bellybutton). We'd been texting about it for a couple of days and she'd ask if I'd feel around and see if I could do anything about it. I had her sit down and began feeling the air around her. 

I was half-expecting to not find anything -- I had no idea what I was doing, after all, and chakras haven't been scientifically proven or anything. It took about thirty seconds, though, before I started feeling stuff clearly. It felt like tingling or pressure in the air surrounding her, and after a while I started getting impressions of colors and textures. Her solar plexus felt kind of brownish and thick, and so I used some techniques I'd read about in a Chios Energy Healing manual to clear it out. I held one hand out to channel clean energy and then worked on scooping the dark color out of the chakra. I don't know how else to explain it... it's all very intuitive and you have to turn your brain off and just go with the flow. I could feel energy passing clearly through my arms and to the hand that was working on her, and after a while it felt like I could stop.

Then we took turns lying on the ground and feeling one another's chakras. While we were working on Bekah we did a few experiments to see if we were making this up or what. I would hold my hands over a  chakra (which had gotten very clear at this point) and would ask Erin, "All right, what do you feel here?" And then she would say, "It's huge!" or "It feels like the energy has diffused all over this area," or "Bekah... your chakra is caffeinated." Her comments, with maybe two exceptions, matched my impressions.

We also experimented with auras. We closed our eyes and started with our hands several feet above Bekah's body. We brought our hands down, left hands to mark where we felt the aura, and then opened our eyes. We discovered two interesting things:

1. Our impressions were consistent. When we opened our eyes, our hands were always within inches of one another. 

2. There are multiple aura levels. I'd never heard this before, but it was very clear that we all had at least three. When I got home I looked this up, and it turns out that yes, auras do have layers. Seven of them. We felt them at different spots on each of us, but it was always one in the outer few levels, one in the middle levels, and one really close to the body.

Then they worked on me, which was also weird. I could feel a lot of what they were doing. At one point, Erin was making a sweeping motion over my solar plexus and sacral chakras to sweep energy down and hopefully remove a block I had there. I couldn't see what Bekah was doing as my head was resting facing Erin. Erin asked if I felt anything, and I said, "No... Well, it feels like my heart area's being pulled like taffy." There was a moment of silence, and then, from the other side, Bekah said, "I've been pulling it."

Weird, eh?

We also discovered that my chakras were low-lying in the body (which I haven't been able to find information on -- has anyone heard of this before?), and that I as the person being worked on could feel when they felt my auras. I'd close my eyes and say "There" as Erin and Bekah felt for levels in my auras. When I opened my eyes they said that I'd registered "there" at within inches of the point they'd stopped their hands. We also discovered that I'm very sensitive to the auras closest to my body -- even with my eyes closed I felt ticklish and pulled back into the carpet when they got near my closest aura -- and that I use them as a shield. Erin had to tell me to let her in, and I had to focus on softening and letting people get close before she could actually sense anything. Don't know if that's normal but it's consistent with what I know about myself.

Double weird.


What I learned:

I don't even know, honestly. I'm at such a beginning point with all of this, but it's fascinating. I was surprised by how clearly I could feel it all. I was particularly sensitive to whatever Bekah was doing -- I'm not sure if we're more psychically compatible or if we were more in tune because we'd been roommates for the past several months. It was very, very cool. I'd like to have a session with someone who really knows what they're doing; perhaps my friend Kendra, who's a massage therapist and has done some effective energy work on me before. I'll keep you posted.

So is it real? Or is it just our minds playing games? No clue. Sure is fun, though.


Try this:
1. Check out the Chios manuals/course. I found them really helpful.

2. Also check out this and this by Erin Pavlina (not the Erin I was doing this experiment with). Normally I'm hesitant about psychic claims and the like, but Erin's blog is pretty no-nonsense and approachable, and it's a good place to start.

3. Start playing around. Get into a meditative, open state -- whatever helps inspiration and spiritual impressions come through most clearly for you -- and have at it. I'll be more helpful as I figure out more...


Next Experiment: Inspiration. Online dating. Manifesting relationships. Manifesting, period. Don't know yet. Any suggestions?

Images by YOUscription, Spirit-Fire, makelessnoise, and mangpages.