Multiple Personalities - #19

Format: Three-month project (not intentional... that's just what it ended up being)
Goal: Relate to my desires through different personas
Goal met? Yup, and interesting it was.

So here's what happened...
I started this project a few months ago while a bunch of crazy stuff was going on (see Experiment #18 for some clues). I was feeling overwhelmed with about a million conflicting desires and fears and had no idea how to deal with it all.

Then I remembered, "Ah! Of course! Dissociative Identity Disorder!"

Yeah, it really did go down like that.

I got to thinking about people with Dissociative Identity Disorder (also known as Multiple Personality Disorder and often confused with shizophrenia). People with DID usually have some kind of traumatic event in their past and/or a current inability to deal with emotional and psychological stresses. As a coping mechanism, they subconsciously create different personalities to handle different situations in their lives.

It's more complicated than that, but that's the general idea, and that was all I needed to take a running leap into this project.

I realized that I had four very different women in me who were all banging up against one another and arguing, and maybe they just needed a chance to talk out in the open.

Really quick, an intro to the personalities. I didn't name them (I'm not actually crazy about a couple of the names) -- they came fully formed into my consciousness, complete with fashion senses, interests, voices, fears, desires, and annoying habits.

(Please pardon the skewompus photos. I can't figure out how to get 'em to just line up.)

April
April is the manic pixie dream girl. She's artsy, bubbly, affectionate, weird, quirky, childlike, and self-absorbed, but not in a mean way. She wears fingerless gloves with electric blue nail polish, has pink hair done up in two messy buns like Minnie Mouse ears, and grins a lot.

 


Katara
Katara is a boss. She is crisp, precise, on top of things, razor sharp, and highly accomplished. She can also be -- pardon my French -- something of a bitch. She has a sharp intellect, can debate anyone into the ground, and is always the first for accolades and promotions because no one else comes close to matching up. She is the overachiever.

 


Gwynna
Gwynna is the archetypal earth mother. She's wise, kind, loving, gentle, and patient. She operates from a place of calm compassion. She's the spiritual one, the peaceful one, and the one who gives really great hugs. I see her the least, but I think I like her the most.

Heather
Heather... Heather and I have sort of a love-hate relationship. She's the homemaker, the one who wears sensible and modest button-up blouses, gets all her kids to church on time, goes to quilt shows, and scrapbooks a lot. She represents a lot of stuff I hate but feel pressured to become... and also has a lot of skills and talents I envy.

After I realized I had these various woman bouncing around inside, I started thinking differently: compartmentalizing emotions, desires, and fears into the different categories, and letting each of them take the lead when a situation called for it. It quickly became much like the yin-yang voices I talked about in Experiment #14.

I didn't do much outside of getting myself in a mental state. I didn't dress differently or take on a lot of different mannerisms -- I just said, "Heather's in charge right now. Be Heather" and let that side of myself take over.

No one else would have noticed anything had changed, I think. I retained my own turns of phrase, interests, and bookish tendencies. But in the middle of things, when one of the women took over, I got into the mental and emotional place she resides in. April doesn't take anything seriously, Katara takes everything seriously, Gwynna has transcended all that, and Heather does exactly what she "should" and doesn't pay much attention to her own feelings. Sometimes, I need all of those attitudes, and somehow it was a lot easier to reach for the right persona than the right attitude.

A few months later, I didn't feel like I needed them all anymore. I began, for the first time in a long time, to feel like my integrated self. I'd ask myself who I felt like, and the answer was just "me." I'm not sure if that's because the alternates had done their work, because my life had mellowed to a place that wasn't full of so many conflicts, or because I'd started dating my husband, who is fabulous at loving and accepting me in all my moods. Whatever the reason, the girls just... disappeared after a while. They were awesome crutches while they were around, but I don't need them anymore and am happy being me.

"I contain multitudes," said poet Walt Whitman.
You may too. Photo by amelungc via Flickr.

However... this is still a useful exercise. I still get quiet and try to picture the woman I feel like now and again, because it gives me fantastic insights into what I want and who I am.

Try this: 
This experiment was actually a lot like personifying different desires and emotions, which is a practice used by various magickal traditions. (Don't let the word "magickal" scare you off, if you can help it. "Magick," I find, is really just code for "turbo-charged meditation-heavy personal development and life design." Same practices, except with magick usually it shows up wearing a purple cloak and using a slightly different vocabulary.) A great exercise on personifying your bad habits on the "Power" podcast given by Ariel of the Druidic Craft of the Wise. You can find it here or on iTunes.

You can also try this meditation. It can be used to create physical concepts of emotions, bad habits, or desires. Don't stick to my version too closely: As with all meditations, you'll do better if you follow your own instincts and feelings. Note: I refer to the thing you'll explore as "emotions" for simplicity's sake. You may choose to associate it with a different word.

1. Sit somewhere you won't be disturbed. Breathe in and out in a slow, regular rhythm from deep in your belly. Let yourself be aware of the ground beneath you and how firm and solid it is. You may find it helpful to count your breaths. When thoughts show up, gently bring your attention back to your breath. Breathe this way till you feel calm, tranquil, and grounded.

2. When you've reached a peaceful place, turn your attention to the aspect of yourself you wish to explore. This could be an emotion, a desire, or an inner conflict. For example, you may be exploring "my desire to become a circus acrobat" or "the emotional distance between me and my sister." Don't think too much about it -- just let yourself become aware of the feeling.

3. Find the place in your body that this feeling is strongest. It may manifest as a tightness in your stomach, tension in your forehead, the impression of yellow light in the palm of your hand... the possibilities are just about endless. Once you've found that spot, focus on it and explore it.

4. Push the emotion out of your body. If it's a tightness in your stomach, imagine the feeling being pushed out of your abdomen, or traveling through your esophagus and coming out your mouth. A yellow light in the palm of your hand could be pushed out until it's floating in front of you. Move the emotion until it's sitting outside of you and facing you.

Another option is to imagine your emotion as a mirror image
of yourself, which is then allowed to shift and take shape
in the water. Photo by jkirthart35 via Flickr.

5. Allow the emotion to take shape. How big is it? What color is it? Is it human? Something else? Is it light or dark? What mood is it in? Once you have a good idea of this emotion's nature, ask it a question. Listen to its answer. Notice the way it answers, the sound of its voice (if it answers you out loud), and so forth. The questions you can ask are limitless. Some ideas include "What is your name?", "Why are you here?", "What have you been trying to tell me that I haven't been listening to?", etc. You can also give it instructions, so long as they're delivered in a respectful way. Examples include, "I understand that you're trying to protect me from that horrible girl in high school, but that situation is no longer in my life. Could you turn your attention to helping me set boundaries with my coworker?", "Please be on the lookout for people I can network with in the circus industry," and "I'd like you to help me be calm and friendly when I'm on the phone with my sister."

6. Make sure you and the emotion are on good, or at least respectful, terms before you end this meditation. Once you've had a conversation and gotten to know this emotion, imagine it morphing into a mirror image of you. Rotate this image and let it slide back into you (a bit how ghosts tend to go back into their bodies in movies). Let it settle in and let your physical body absorb it.

7. You may now choose to explore a different emotion if you like. When you're ready to come out of your meditation, make sure your emotion has been absorbed into your body, then return your attention to your breathing. Feel how solid the ground is underneath you. Gradually let your awareness come back to the present by counting back from 10, slowly looking around, or whatever method works best for you. Stretch and allow the experience to settle before returning to your day.

Coming Soon...
Ummmmmmmm... something... pretty cool... and probably an update on the Mabon party I'm going to tonight. Yay! My spiritual life's been a little blah lately and this may be just what the doctor (or  humanist minister friend, as the case may be -- he's throwing the party) ordered. But I shall see... and so shall you... ;)

Follow Your Gut - #18

Format: Long-term project, though not intentional till a few months in.
Goal: Make decisions using my instincts, not my thoughts or more superficial emotions.
Goal met? More or less. And even less, in this case, is way more useful than any other kind of decision-making.

So here's what happened...
This project came about kind of on accident.

Long story short (we both know that's a lie; it's not going to be short): I was dating this really marvelous guy. He wanted to marry me. I kind of wanted to marry him -- my head said it was a great decision and my emotions agreed. My gut, however, kept going "No," in that obey-or-die voice your mom used on you when you were three.

The whole head-heart-gut disagreement is obnoxious and exhausting, particularly when a boy is involved. One night in the middle of everything, when I was overthinking and overfeeling and up way too late with anxiety, I remembered how nice and peaceful my acting classes had felt during our mindful breathing /body awareness warmups.

Photo by crdotx via Flickr.

 "Hey," I thought. "I'm probably freaking out because I haven't recharged in a while."

So I breathed. The goal with conscious breathing is to focus only on your breathing. It's a game -- you count how many breaths you can take before your attention wanders. It took a while, but finally I settled into that calm space where it feels like everything on the inside of me is melting away into everything outside of me and it's all one big sameness. And with that sameness, my muscles relaxed like they hadn't in a month or so and I got a very distinct voice giving me some advice.

"Be still," it said. Just that. "Be still." No "And know that I am God" or anything... Just the advice to be still, with the understanding that things would work themselves out and that it would all be okay. I texted my boyfriend an excited "Omg I totally just had an epiphany!" and he was like, "Um... okay... cool?" because it's very hard to explain these things to people who haven't had them with you.

And then life sped up again and stuff happened and it was all very dramatic, but I managed to hold onto the still sameness feeling in the moments when it was really critical. And that still feeling always, always tells me to follow my gut. Heck, I think maybe that feeling is my gut.

Over the next couple weeks, my head/heart/gut had a lot of pretty important conversations. Like this one:

Head: You could probably marry this boy for X, Y, and Z reasons. However, you should wait a while and see what happens, and in the meantime work on your job prospects. (Sometimes my head really doesn't get that there's an emotional crisis going on.)
Heart: We really love him and he's being nice and you're going to hurt him!
Gut: Nope. This isn't right. Let him go. It'll be okay.

I followed my gut, let the boy go with all my best wishes, and faced an uncertain and intimidating future with a long-absent calm that told me it had been a good decision.

A few weeks later I found myself hanging out with a friend. We'd had this weird friendship for years that was mostly peppered by a lot of "But does s/he like me like me?" awkwardness.

Head: You are going to be sensible and not kiss this man. You're going to stay single and pursue your professional goals. We decided not to marry the last boy. We should probably not be going there with this one. Besides, we do not do rebound relationships.
Heart: I'm scared. Boys are scary. Relationships are scary. We're bad at relationships. It is way too soon to be kissing anyone!
Gut: Kiss that boy. You love him.

I got quiet and followed my gut. Good decision. ;) A while later:

Head: Are you crazy? You are going to have an established career and probably a mortgage before you get married. The decision-making areas of your brain aren't fully formed until age 25, and studies have shown that women who delay marriage until that age have more stable blah blah blah...
Heart: I love him! I'm in love with him! Marriage is super scary! Aah! Identity crisis! But I love him! But it's scary! But he's so wonderful! What am I doing? Aah! Love! Fear! Infatuation! Insecurity! Feeeeelings!
Gut: Marry him.

Photo by Emily-White via Flickr.

I knew by this time where the good decisions were, and how useless it is to follow anything but my gut. Ever since that first moment where I got the message to be still and got quiet enough to realize what was going on inside me, I've been making most of my decisions like this. I took a lower-paying but more consistent job because it felt better in my gut. We got an apartment with a friend instead of getting one by ourselves. That's still in the beginning stages, but so far, good decision. I got a strong gut message to keep working on my homeschooling website, and some clarity about where it needs to go from here. So far, these have all been good decisions, and paid off in ways I didn't expect.

If I don't follow my gut, everything else falls out of whack. If I do, one beautiful thing falls into place after another, and one day I wake up married to quite literally the man of my dreams and on my way to the kind of future I'm actually daring to admit I want.

Try this: 
Listening to your gut, much of the time, involves literal physical feelings. Your gut really can "tie itself in knots," your heart can "burst out of your chest," something can "give you a headache," and you really can be "sick to your stomach."

In Martha Beck's fabulous book, Finding Your Own North Star, she has detailed exercises in Chapters 2 and 3 that are designed to help you realize when your instinct and body are telling you "Yes" or "No." They're great exercises and I do them whenever I need a refresher. (You can find Finding Your Own North Star at any library or purchase it through Amazon or by clicking the linked title in this post. It's worth owning.)

Here's an abridgment of the exercise, which works pretty well in a pinch. (Note: It's important to do the "no" exercise first, so the "yes" can bring you out of it and into a better mood. Doing "no" last can throw off your whole day.)

1. Scan your body. 
See how you're feeling today, what your emotions are like, and where any tension is. Breathe in and out a few times, focusing on the breath, and try to relax. Once you've done that, scan again and see how you're feeling. You don't have to change anything dramatic -- just take note of where you're at, physically and emotionally.

2. Find your "no" feeling

Photo by BLW Photography via Flickr.

Think of the worst, most stressful situation ever. This can be a real situation in your life or one you've never experienced but that makes you very, very worried. Now make it worse. Layer on something terrible. I'm not talking tragedies here, just a series of stressful things and people. Imagine yourself with a few people who make you nervous and uncomfortable (that super-perfect friend you can't get away from?), somewhere you hate (a boring job that makes you feel like your life is dribbling away into a meaningless void?), doing something that exhausts you (making small talk?), and you've just made a really stupid mistake (just said something snarky about your boss... and s/he was standing right behind you?). Imagine everything about the situation just feels wrong and you're stuck in it. Really imagine it. Go out of your way to feel like you're actually there. The goal is to be somewhere you do not want to be.

For me, this situation looks like this:

I'm at a baby shower (I feel awkward at these things, regardless of how excited I am for the new mom) with a really bubbly, talented, and needy acquaintance, a woman I used to babysit for, and a woman I used to work with. I just wasted two hours and a ton of gas trying to find this party, had an argument with my mom, and have to stay at this thing for two whole hours before I have to leave to a job I hate and that doesn't pay me enough. Everyone is looking at me and I don't know what they're expecting.

Once you find that feeling, figure out what's changed in your body. For me, this means my sternum feels like it's receded back into my chest till it's practically touching my spine. My stomach clenches up in knots and my solar plexus chakra turns into a hard, vibrating lump of goo. I slouch and try to withdraw into myself, and a bunch of tension shows up in my neck and shoulders.

For you, this may mean a jittery stomach, tension between your eyes, or a sudden headache. Whatever it is, notice this feeling. Really figure out how it's playing out and memorize it so you can recognize it later.

3. Let it go.
Relax as much as you can. Take some deep breaths, get up and dance around, and let as much of the "no" feeling as you can disappear. If it doesn't go away completely, that's okay -- the next step will clear it out.

4. Find your "yes" feeling.
This is exactly like finding your "no," but in reverse. Imagine yourself with people who make you feel like your best self (your sister and that really optimistic acquaintance you don't really know but who always makes you feel better about life?), in a place where you feel relaxed and happy (your backyard on the Fourth of July?), doing something that always gives you a ton of energy (talking enthusiastically about Pokemon? Don't laugh; this works for my little brother!). Imagine that the weather is perfect, that everyone is in a fabulous mood, that you have no deadlines or pressure, and that you can hang out here for as long as you want, no worries. This is somewhere that makes you feel like your best self.

For me, this means:

I'm sitting in a garden with my best friend, my husband, and a small handful of friends from the local theater who I always have amazing conversations with. The weather is gorgeous and calm, I've been taking down notes for a novel while we've been talking, and my husband is gently playing with my hair. I've had a productive day and can now sit down and give all my energy to the deep conversations and beautiful evening that surround me. Everyone is relaxed and in a good mood.

Photo by mikebaird via Flickr.

Now notice what's happened to your body. When I'm in this happy place, all my muscles get soft and flexible and a bubble expands behind my sternum till it's pressing on the inside of my ribcage. I can feel a smile starting and my neck is loose and relaxed. All my limbs feel longer.

For you, this may mean your hands start to feel loose and expressive, or you get a huge grin, or your heart feels big. Whatever it is, take a minute to fully enjoy and experience the sensation. Notice everything about it and get its whole texture.

5. Remember those physical sensations.
Make sure both you remember both your "no" and "yes" feelings. Give them names (I just use "shrink" and "expand" to explain what happens to my sternum) and lodge them in your memory.

From here on out, start to notice when they show up. Does your "yes" feeling appear whenever you get talking to a coworker? Does your "no" feeling start to show up during family vacations? Take note of these physical feelings -- they're your subconscious conveying to you what you really feel and want.

It sounds simple, but the fastest path I've noticed to good decisions and a happy life is following those two signals. I pursue things that make me feel "yes" and move away from things that make me feel "no." I've been living by this consciously for about six months now, and it hasn't steered me wrong.

Coming Soon...
Possibly a series of experiments on women and religion... possibly more fun 'n' games with manifestation... We'll see.