Follow Your Gut - #18

Format: Long-term project, though not intentional till a few months in.
Goal: Make decisions using my instincts, not my thoughts or more superficial emotions.
Goal met? More or less. And even less, in this case, is way more useful than any other kind of decision-making.

So here's what happened...
This project came about kind of on accident.

Long story short (we both know that's a lie; it's not going to be short): I was dating this really marvelous guy. He wanted to marry me. I kind of wanted to marry him -- my head said it was a great decision and my emotions agreed. My gut, however, kept going "No," in that obey-or-die voice your mom used on you when you were three.

The whole head-heart-gut disagreement is obnoxious and exhausting, particularly when a boy is involved. One night in the middle of everything, when I was overthinking and overfeeling and up way too late with anxiety, I remembered how nice and peaceful my acting classes had felt during our mindful breathing /body awareness warmups.

Photo by crdotx via Flickr.

 "Hey," I thought. "I'm probably freaking out because I haven't recharged in a while."

So I breathed. The goal with conscious breathing is to focus only on your breathing. It's a game -- you count how many breaths you can take before your attention wanders. It took a while, but finally I settled into that calm space where it feels like everything on the inside of me is melting away into everything outside of me and it's all one big sameness. And with that sameness, my muscles relaxed like they hadn't in a month or so and I got a very distinct voice giving me some advice.

"Be still," it said. Just that. "Be still." No "And know that I am God" or anything... Just the advice to be still, with the understanding that things would work themselves out and that it would all be okay. I texted my boyfriend an excited "Omg I totally just had an epiphany!" and he was like, "Um... okay... cool?" because it's very hard to explain these things to people who haven't had them with you.

And then life sped up again and stuff happened and it was all very dramatic, but I managed to hold onto the still sameness feeling in the moments when it was really critical. And that still feeling always, always tells me to follow my gut. Heck, I think maybe that feeling is my gut.

Over the next couple weeks, my head/heart/gut had a lot of pretty important conversations. Like this one:

Head: You could probably marry this boy for X, Y, and Z reasons. However, you should wait a while and see what happens, and in the meantime work on your job prospects. (Sometimes my head really doesn't get that there's an emotional crisis going on.)
Heart: We really love him and he's being nice and you're going to hurt him!
Gut: Nope. This isn't right. Let him go. It'll be okay.

I followed my gut, let the boy go with all my best wishes, and faced an uncertain and intimidating future with a long-absent calm that told me it had been a good decision.

A few weeks later I found myself hanging out with a friend. We'd had this weird friendship for years that was mostly peppered by a lot of "But does s/he like me like me?" awkwardness.

Head: You are going to be sensible and not kiss this man. You're going to stay single and pursue your professional goals. We decided not to marry the last boy. We should probably not be going there with this one. Besides, we do not do rebound relationships.
Heart: I'm scared. Boys are scary. Relationships are scary. We're bad at relationships. It is way too soon to be kissing anyone!
Gut: Kiss that boy. You love him.

I got quiet and followed my gut. Good decision. ;) A while later:

Head: Are you crazy? You are going to have an established career and probably a mortgage before you get married. The decision-making areas of your brain aren't fully formed until age 25, and studies have shown that women who delay marriage until that age have more stable blah blah blah...
Heart: I love him! I'm in love with him! Marriage is super scary! Aah! Identity crisis! But I love him! But it's scary! But he's so wonderful! What am I doing? Aah! Love! Fear! Infatuation! Insecurity! Feeeeelings!
Gut: Marry him.

Photo by Emily-White via Flickr.

I knew by this time where the good decisions were, and how useless it is to follow anything but my gut. Ever since that first moment where I got the message to be still and got quiet enough to realize what was going on inside me, I've been making most of my decisions like this. I took a lower-paying but more consistent job because it felt better in my gut. We got an apartment with a friend instead of getting one by ourselves. That's still in the beginning stages, but so far, good decision. I got a strong gut message to keep working on my homeschooling website, and some clarity about where it needs to go from here. So far, these have all been good decisions, and paid off in ways I didn't expect.

If I don't follow my gut, everything else falls out of whack. If I do, one beautiful thing falls into place after another, and one day I wake up married to quite literally the man of my dreams and on my way to the kind of future I'm actually daring to admit I want.

Try this: 
Listening to your gut, much of the time, involves literal physical feelings. Your gut really can "tie itself in knots," your heart can "burst out of your chest," something can "give you a headache," and you really can be "sick to your stomach."

In Martha Beck's fabulous book, Finding Your Own North Star, she has detailed exercises in Chapters 2 and 3 that are designed to help you realize when your instinct and body are telling you "Yes" or "No." They're great exercises and I do them whenever I need a refresher. (You can find Finding Your Own North Star at any library or purchase it through Amazon or by clicking the linked title in this post. It's worth owning.)

Here's an abridgment of the exercise, which works pretty well in a pinch. (Note: It's important to do the "no" exercise first, so the "yes" can bring you out of it and into a better mood. Doing "no" last can throw off your whole day.)

1. Scan your body. 
See how you're feeling today, what your emotions are like, and where any tension is. Breathe in and out a few times, focusing on the breath, and try to relax. Once you've done that, scan again and see how you're feeling. You don't have to change anything dramatic -- just take note of where you're at, physically and emotionally.

2. Find your "no" feeling

Photo by BLW Photography via Flickr.

Think of the worst, most stressful situation ever. This can be a real situation in your life or one you've never experienced but that makes you very, very worried. Now make it worse. Layer on something terrible. I'm not talking tragedies here, just a series of stressful things and people. Imagine yourself with a few people who make you nervous and uncomfortable (that super-perfect friend you can't get away from?), somewhere you hate (a boring job that makes you feel like your life is dribbling away into a meaningless void?), doing something that exhausts you (making small talk?), and you've just made a really stupid mistake (just said something snarky about your boss... and s/he was standing right behind you?). Imagine everything about the situation just feels wrong and you're stuck in it. Really imagine it. Go out of your way to feel like you're actually there. The goal is to be somewhere you do not want to be.

For me, this situation looks like this:

I'm at a baby shower (I feel awkward at these things, regardless of how excited I am for the new mom) with a really bubbly, talented, and needy acquaintance, a woman I used to babysit for, and a woman I used to work with. I just wasted two hours and a ton of gas trying to find this party, had an argument with my mom, and have to stay at this thing for two whole hours before I have to leave to a job I hate and that doesn't pay me enough. Everyone is looking at me and I don't know what they're expecting.

Once you find that feeling, figure out what's changed in your body. For me, this means my sternum feels like it's receded back into my chest till it's practically touching my spine. My stomach clenches up in knots and my solar plexus chakra turns into a hard, vibrating lump of goo. I slouch and try to withdraw into myself, and a bunch of tension shows up in my neck and shoulders.

For you, this may mean a jittery stomach, tension between your eyes, or a sudden headache. Whatever it is, notice this feeling. Really figure out how it's playing out and memorize it so you can recognize it later.

3. Let it go.
Relax as much as you can. Take some deep breaths, get up and dance around, and let as much of the "no" feeling as you can disappear. If it doesn't go away completely, that's okay -- the next step will clear it out.

4. Find your "yes" feeling.
This is exactly like finding your "no," but in reverse. Imagine yourself with people who make you feel like your best self (your sister and that really optimistic acquaintance you don't really know but who always makes you feel better about life?), in a place where you feel relaxed and happy (your backyard on the Fourth of July?), doing something that always gives you a ton of energy (talking enthusiastically about Pokemon? Don't laugh; this works for my little brother!). Imagine that the weather is perfect, that everyone is in a fabulous mood, that you have no deadlines or pressure, and that you can hang out here for as long as you want, no worries. This is somewhere that makes you feel like your best self.

For me, this means:

I'm sitting in a garden with my best friend, my husband, and a small handful of friends from the local theater who I always have amazing conversations with. The weather is gorgeous and calm, I've been taking down notes for a novel while we've been talking, and my husband is gently playing with my hair. I've had a productive day and can now sit down and give all my energy to the deep conversations and beautiful evening that surround me. Everyone is relaxed and in a good mood.

Photo by mikebaird via Flickr.

Now notice what's happened to your body. When I'm in this happy place, all my muscles get soft and flexible and a bubble expands behind my sternum till it's pressing on the inside of my ribcage. I can feel a smile starting and my neck is loose and relaxed. All my limbs feel longer.

For you, this may mean your hands start to feel loose and expressive, or you get a huge grin, or your heart feels big. Whatever it is, take a minute to fully enjoy and experience the sensation. Notice everything about it and get its whole texture.

5. Remember those physical sensations.
Make sure both you remember both your "no" and "yes" feelings. Give them names (I just use "shrink" and "expand" to explain what happens to my sternum) and lodge them in your memory.

From here on out, start to notice when they show up. Does your "yes" feeling appear whenever you get talking to a coworker? Does your "no" feeling start to show up during family vacations? Take note of these physical feelings -- they're your subconscious conveying to you what you really feel and want.

It sounds simple, but the fastest path I've noticed to good decisions and a happy life is following those two signals. I pursue things that make me feel "yes" and move away from things that make me feel "no." I've been living by this consciously for about six months now, and it hasn't steered me wrong.

Coming Soon...
Possibly a series of experiments on women and religion... possibly more fun 'n' games with manifestation... We'll see.

Yes, And Presents - #16

Format: Minor project, do it till it's done
Goal: Manifest free stuff
Goal met? And how.

So here's what happened...
I was reading this book (The Trick to Money is Having Some) that had been floating around my parents' house for a while. In one of the early chapters, the author talked about how he'd made a deal with the universe: It would provide for him, and he would accept its gifts graciously. He said that after this decision, he started attracting free stuff--not money, but coupons, gifts, etc.

Photo by Terwilliger911

"Ah!" methought. "Good idea." So I did the same thing. It was pretty simple... I just sent out the intention to gather a bunch of little free presents to myself, and promised that I'd be on the lookout and accept whatever was sent.

Within the next three days, I'd found, lying on the ground:

• quite a bit of loose change
• a buy-a-custard-get-free-fries coupon (actually, I found three of these... must have been a big promotion going on)
• a sno cone buy-9-get-the-10th-free punch card, with 9 holes punched out and the 10th just waiting for me (and when I went to get the free cone, I got a buy-one-get-one-free coupon)

After that I sort of went, "Awesome! Thanks!" and forgot about trying to focus on this... but little presents keep coming. It's sweet. Literally, in some cases.

Try this: 
Set out the intention, yaddi-yadda, you've heard all this before if you read this blog.

The trick is to accept whatever comes. As my favorite fairy godmother says, "You're meant to accept it. Graciously." I've noticed that whenever I'm attempting something like this, as soon as I start getting picky and rejecting things that don't line up just right, the nice things just sorta dry up. And as soon as I'm grateful again, they keep piling on.

Of course, you don't have to take whatever comes if you don't quite want it. I like to play "Yes, And" at that point. "Yes, And" is a theatre/improvisation game, where every time someone introduces anything new to the scene, you have to go with it and build on it. Your scene partner says, "Behold! I come in riding on my purple dragon!" and you go, "Yes! And the dragon has a feather duster for a tail!" and start using the tail to sweep the room up, and the next person has to be okay with that and add something to it.

Here's a video demonstrating the game:



Works great with manifestation, too. Get something that's cool but not quite your thing, and emotionally/mentally respond with "Yes! And you know what would be even cooler? This same thing except orange!" And usually the universe will respond. Not necessarily with something orange, but with something just a little better than what you got before. (Despite all those stories you hear about people manifesting ridiculously specific things, I think for the most part that energy responds to your positive or negative energy, not your demands or specifics. But with lots of good stuff coming your way all the time, the universe is bound to hit the nail on the head a fair bit.)

Give this one a try, folks... Super easy and low-committment, and very rewarding if you tend to be easily pleased. :)

Coming Soon...
Eh, I dunno. Something cool.

Magnetic

I've gotten very into Law of Attraction lately. It became a big thing a few years ago, when everyone was reading The Secret, but then it kinda died down and everyone stopped talking about it.

I mostly suspect this is because the book The Secret doesn't make any sense and has very little to do with magnetizing, manifestation or just about anybody's reality. The real stuff is much more interesting and has been floating around for a while. Not sure what it is, really, or why it works --- the amazing power of the subconscious mind? --- but I don't particularly care. It does work, and that's the important thing to me.

In the past few weeks, amazing stuff has started happening. I've manifested:

pluots (which are mostly like a plum)
a netbook (four days earlier than planned)
a job I quite like
chocolate Zingers
fantastic books/articles on manifesting and related topics
shoes (big deal: I do not shoe shop if I can help it)
emotional support
a storm
various amounts of money
a house
a convenient schedule

There's something to magnetizing. And I have no idea how to explain it. It's entirely emotional and largely kinesthetic, at least for me. But you know it when you tune into it. It's like you scan different emotional ranges and ways of dealing with the world until the static and crappy stations snap into a crystal-clear broadcast of exactly the station you wanted to hear, and they're in the middle of announcing that you won their sweepstakes. It's absolutely spiffy.

I've experienced magnetic/emotional highs before, but they're usually short and followed by crashes into depression and cynicism. This time, however, it's stuck around for weeks, with one small crash followed by some huge highs. I attribute the longevity and clarity of this time to some energy work a couple of my dearest (and talented) friends did on me, and to my conscious choice to stay on the high and make it my plateau.

Beyond that, I'm not sure what the commonalities are. Detachment has something to do with it. So does affection. So does meditation. So does emotional awareness (whole new world, that). So does positive thinking, and so does conscious thought before sleep. It's some sort of alchemical blend of all of the above, and it's absolutely amazing.

Aaaaaaand.... that's all, folks. Not sure what more to say about all this... I don't particularly understand it but I'm constantly grateful and amazed. It's a wonderful world. More later. And stay tuned... I've got stuff to say about chakras, which are fun.