Great Balls of Fire - #10

Format: A couple evenings of playing around and a general plugged-in-ness for a few days.
Goal: Play around. See what happens.
Goal met? But of course.
Terms you should know:
Energy work: Using the mind and body to manipulate psychic energy. (A bit of googling should give you a better idea of this.)

So here's what happened:

This... this is spiffy.

This past week I went out of town for a wedding. The friend I was staying with and I ended up doing some energy work (same friend who worked with me in this experiment) and in addition to doing things like manifesting green lights, creating thoughtforms who made it snow, and following good vibes to dress shops, we played around with sending and receiving energy in our hands. Freaked me out a few times, to the point of my jumping back and shaking my hand around while shrieking "Oh, weird, weird, this is creepy!" Fun times.

Basically, this was the deal: We grounded and then filled our hands with balls of energy. We then melded them together (alternately, one of us would fill our hands and the other person would just try to sense that energy) and then took turns sending and receiving first colors and images. It didn't take long until I would fill my hands with yellow and then shift to dark purple, and she would say, "Yellow. No, wait, it changed. It's darker. Like... purple." We had a success rate far higher than could be explained by coincidence. Didn't figure out the numbers but we were at 90% accuracy, easy -- at least when I was the sender and she was the receiver.

Turns out I'm good at sending energy and she's good at receiving it, but not the other way around. When we switched to images it was better -- she would send an image of a piano and I would say, "Smooth. Really glossy, kind of dark" -- but still nothing like when I'd been sending and she receiving.

I found it interesting that she would be prone to receiving, as her energy is very strong and overwhelming if you're not used to it (what I would consider more aggressive/sending), and I would be good at sending, since my energy is usually calmer and more contained (passive/receiving). But it also makes sense, as she's much more open to taking in energy from outside sources and I spend most of my time trying to guard against taking in other people's unwanted energy. (Perhaps this stems from our mothers? Her mom's a calm listener, so my friend has had to learn to receive subtle signals, and my mom is sort of "BBWWAAAA!!!!!" most of the time, so I've had to learn to shut that out so as not to get flooded.)

What I learned:
This stuff is cool. I already knew that, but it's also much more powerful and obvious than I'd expected. And maybe it's all just a placebo and we're really tuning into impossibly small nonverbal cues... Whatever. I don't actually care. It works, is the bottom line, and it's fascinating.

I also learned that I have very different experiences with energy work, meditation, manifesting, etc., when I'm alone than when I'm with someone. It's not that either is better or worse, but there were some things (manifesting green lights and snow) that were easier with her help, and others (meditating, being centered) that were harder with someone else around. I'll be paying more attention to that in the future, because I suspect it's important in ways that I'm just touching on right now.

Try this:
Find someone who wants to play around with this kind of stuff with you. You've got to be able to trust them and be open with them -- just admitting that you believe in "energy" and all that New Age mumbo jumbo is enough to weird some people out, and trying to work with a die-hard skeptic is probably going to mess with your results. Get someone who's into this stuff, or at least very open towards it. Then go crazy. See what you can feel. Talk through it and follow intuition. The more you play with and practice this stuff the clearer your results get, so have fun. I strongly recommend grounding first, though -- failure to ground before you start working with this stuff can leave you grumpy (me), dizzy (my friend), light-headed, stressed, etc., so make sure you're coming from a centered place.

Coming Soon...
Spirit guides, perchance? Or tuning into elements? Or being direct with people, especially of the stranger variety? Been playing with all of these lately, so you tell me.

Images by Sea Frost, jam343, and Pink Sherbet Photography.

Affirmations

Affirmations are funny. I didn't believe in them for the longest time, because really, chanting, "I love and accept all parts of myself" has never done much for me, and saying, "I am a successful violinist!" will not make it true if I don't actually know how to play the violin.

Much more helpful are the affirmations I've come to embrace lately. They're not mantras or prepackaged chants -- they're just thoughts that I have, that I believe, and that I repeat while I'm driving or otherwise mentally bored to cement them in.

A few recent favorites:

• My heroes will soon become my contemporaries.
• Ideas are in the air. The genius is in the wall.
• I accept change with a calm, positive attitude.
• My thoughts determine this experience.
• Things will be all right; everything aligns with its best possibility.
• I handle every situation competently.

These beat "I'll never lose this weight," "I can't deal with this right now," and "This sucks" as affirmations hands down. I've had those kinds of thoughts wearing tracks in my brain, too, and all things considered, I much prefer these new ones, whether they're true or not. (And they are true -- the sheer fact that I believe them makes them so. Which is true because I believe it. Which is true because... Yeah, this could go on for a while.)

What are the affirmations you keep repeating to yourself? When you talk about money, what phrases do you always use? What labels do you stick on yourself and repeat whenever the subject of love or career comes up? If they feel great, awesome. If not, start changing them today. Overwhelm yourself with a positive emotion or logic your way into believing a better thought, whatever works for you. Use words that feel good. Your thoughts are your mental landscape and decor -- make your brain a nice place to live in and the results will start to show up in the outside world. It's pretty trippy. :)

Book Recommendation! Creating Money: Keys to Abundance

I have been in an unusually good mood today. And I attribute it to the fact that I read snippets of this book:







Creating Money: Keys to Abundance







over a couple different 15 minute periods today, while waiting to clock in at my first job, waiting for my brother to get out of work and while walking to my second job.

In short, it's attitude crack, at least for me. I've read a lot of different books on positive thinking, Law of Attraction, magnetizing, conscious creation, etc. etc. This one is my favorite so far. It's positive, upbeat, readable, practical, and there's just something about it that keeps me up and running.

It claims to be channeled; however, if that sort of thing bugs you, just ignore it. The advice is valid either way, and it's a really easy read. Love it. Love it love it love it.

I definitely recommend reading it one short section at a time -- I've found it's valuable to spread it out over my day. Somehow having time to think about the concepts one chunk at a time really maximizes its value.

Just so ya'll know. Check it out on Amazon using the links above or at your local library; I think you'll enjoy it.

Sensing Chakras/Auras - #9

A few weeks ago, I went down with my friend Bekah to visit our friend Erin in Utah. Erin and I have been discussing chakras and energy fields for some time, and so we decided to see if we could do a bit of sensing.

Dang cool.

I wasn't intending to do it for this blog, but it fits great, so I'm sticking it in the usual format.


Format: One evening of playing around

Goal: Try to sense other people's chakras (I can already sense my own reasonably well)


Goal met? Yes yes and yes!


Terms you should know:

Chakra: Energy center in the body. Literally means "wheel" or "turning." More information can be found at Wikipedia or by doing a Google search.

Aura: Field of psychic energy surrounding the physical body. More info at Wikipedia.


So here’s what happened:

It all started when Erin started talking about problems she'd been having with her solar plexus chakra (which is located two or three finger widths above the bellybutton). We'd been texting about it for a couple of days and she'd ask if I'd feel around and see if I could do anything about it. I had her sit down and began feeling the air around her. 

I was half-expecting to not find anything -- I had no idea what I was doing, after all, and chakras haven't been scientifically proven or anything. It took about thirty seconds, though, before I started feeling stuff clearly. It felt like tingling or pressure in the air surrounding her, and after a while I started getting impressions of colors and textures. Her solar plexus felt kind of brownish and thick, and so I used some techniques I'd read about in a Chios Energy Healing manual to clear it out. I held one hand out to channel clean energy and then worked on scooping the dark color out of the chakra. I don't know how else to explain it... it's all very intuitive and you have to turn your brain off and just go with the flow. I could feel energy passing clearly through my arms and to the hand that was working on her, and after a while it felt like I could stop.

Then we took turns lying on the ground and feeling one another's chakras. While we were working on Bekah we did a few experiments to see if we were making this up or what. I would hold my hands over a  chakra (which had gotten very clear at this point) and would ask Erin, "All right, what do you feel here?" And then she would say, "It's huge!" or "It feels like the energy has diffused all over this area," or "Bekah... your chakra is caffeinated." Her comments, with maybe two exceptions, matched my impressions.

We also experimented with auras. We closed our eyes and started with our hands several feet above Bekah's body. We brought our hands down, left hands to mark where we felt the aura, and then opened our eyes. We discovered two interesting things:

1. Our impressions were consistent. When we opened our eyes, our hands were always within inches of one another. 

2. There are multiple aura levels. I'd never heard this before, but it was very clear that we all had at least three. When I got home I looked this up, and it turns out that yes, auras do have layers. Seven of them. We felt them at different spots on each of us, but it was always one in the outer few levels, one in the middle levels, and one really close to the body.

Then they worked on me, which was also weird. I could feel a lot of what they were doing. At one point, Erin was making a sweeping motion over my solar plexus and sacral chakras to sweep energy down and hopefully remove a block I had there. I couldn't see what Bekah was doing as my head was resting facing Erin. Erin asked if I felt anything, and I said, "No... Well, it feels like my heart area's being pulled like taffy." There was a moment of silence, and then, from the other side, Bekah said, "I've been pulling it."

Weird, eh?

We also discovered that my chakras were low-lying in the body (which I haven't been able to find information on -- has anyone heard of this before?), and that I as the person being worked on could feel when they felt my auras. I'd close my eyes and say "There" as Erin and Bekah felt for levels in my auras. When I opened my eyes they said that I'd registered "there" at within inches of the point they'd stopped their hands. We also discovered that I'm very sensitive to the auras closest to my body -- even with my eyes closed I felt ticklish and pulled back into the carpet when they got near my closest aura -- and that I use them as a shield. Erin had to tell me to let her in, and I had to focus on softening and letting people get close before she could actually sense anything. Don't know if that's normal but it's consistent with what I know about myself.

Double weird.


What I learned:

I don't even know, honestly. I'm at such a beginning point with all of this, but it's fascinating. I was surprised by how clearly I could feel it all. I was particularly sensitive to whatever Bekah was doing -- I'm not sure if we're more psychically compatible or if we were more in tune because we'd been roommates for the past several months. It was very, very cool. I'd like to have a session with someone who really knows what they're doing; perhaps my friend Kendra, who's a massage therapist and has done some effective energy work on me before. I'll keep you posted.

So is it real? Or is it just our minds playing games? No clue. Sure is fun, though.


Try this:
1. Check out the Chios manuals/course. I found them really helpful.

2. Also check out this and this by Erin Pavlina (not the Erin I was doing this experiment with). Normally I'm hesitant about psychic claims and the like, but Erin's blog is pretty no-nonsense and approachable, and it's a good place to start.

3. Start playing around. Get into a meditative, open state -- whatever helps inspiration and spiritual impressions come through most clearly for you -- and have at it. I'll be more helpful as I figure out more...


Next Experiment: Inspiration. Online dating. Manifesting relationships. Manifesting, period. Don't know yet. Any suggestions?

Images by YOUscription, Spirit-Fire, makelessnoise, and mangpages.

Inspired to Gratitude

People are so nice.

Steve Pavlina (yes, I've already linked to his site about 45 times) has been blogging lately about subjective reality and following intuition and I liked a fair bit of it and decided to follow my intuition more often. It's turning out splendidly so far.

Today I had a warm fuzzy pleasant result. I posted a note on Facebook and tagged a bunch of people, thanking them for their creative contributions to my life. I've felt compelled for a few days to casually thank all those folks I admire/stalk who do exciting artistic things and whose work I follow like I'm some kind of groupie, which may not be far from the truth. (I have some pretty amazing, creative friends and acquaintances. Which is happy-making.) So I did that, and I felt good about it -- seriously, artists/actors/singers/writers/etc-ers do so much for not much appreciation, and appreciation is a lifeblood of creativity -- and in, like, an hour, I got so much love and affection and gratitude back... Which hadn't been my intent but was lovely.

Follow your inspiration... It lives to make everyone happy.

Images by Ian Sane™ and psd.

Side Note

I think I want to be in a relationship. ("Which is weird... for me...") Just throwing that out there.

Magnetic

I've gotten very into Law of Attraction lately. It became a big thing a few years ago, when everyone was reading The Secret, but then it kinda died down and everyone stopped talking about it.

I mostly suspect this is because the book The Secret doesn't make any sense and has very little to do with magnetizing, manifestation or just about anybody's reality. The real stuff is much more interesting and has been floating around for a while. Not sure what it is, really, or why it works --- the amazing power of the subconscious mind? --- but I don't particularly care. It does work, and that's the important thing to me.

In the past few weeks, amazing stuff has started happening. I've manifested:

pluots (which are mostly like a plum)
a netbook (four days earlier than planned)
a job I quite like
chocolate Zingers
fantastic books/articles on manifesting and related topics
shoes (big deal: I do not shoe shop if I can help it)
emotional support
a storm
various amounts of money
a house
a convenient schedule

There's something to magnetizing. And I have no idea how to explain it. It's entirely emotional and largely kinesthetic, at least for me. But you know it when you tune into it. It's like you scan different emotional ranges and ways of dealing with the world until the static and crappy stations snap into a crystal-clear broadcast of exactly the station you wanted to hear, and they're in the middle of announcing that you won their sweepstakes. It's absolutely spiffy.

I've experienced magnetic/emotional highs before, but they're usually short and followed by crashes into depression and cynicism. This time, however, it's stuck around for weeks, with one small crash followed by some huge highs. I attribute the longevity and clarity of this time to some energy work a couple of my dearest (and talented) friends did on me, and to my conscious choice to stay on the high and make it my plateau.

Beyond that, I'm not sure what the commonalities are. Detachment has something to do with it. So does affection. So does meditation. So does emotional awareness (whole new world, that). So does positive thinking, and so does conscious thought before sleep. It's some sort of alchemical blend of all of the above, and it's absolutely amazing.

Aaaaaaand.... that's all, folks. Not sure what more to say about all this... I don't particularly understand it but I'm constantly grateful and amazed. It's a wonderful world. More later. And stay tuned... I've got stuff to say about chakras, which are fun.

Do Something Real

"Do something real." That was my mom's be-all end-all catchphrase for a while, right after "Attitude is everything!" and metaphors about the Well-Oiled Family Machine. It applied to Boy Scouts ("Why are they hammering nails into a board? Why aren't they building something? Do something real!"), to my writing ("Why don't you actually submit to somewhere? Might as well do something real") and to her pet project, the Annual Southeast Idaho Pumpkin Walk ("At least it's something real").

It sounds like I'm complaining. I am — I sort of feel it's my bound duty as a barely-older-than-teenage daughter. But when it all boils down, she's right.

Last year I got the chance to do something scarily real and pretty awesome. I wrote and co-directed a musical for my community theater back home as part of an internship.

The writing took place between classes and on weekends through most of winter semester. In early summer the show was cast, and I drove home twice a week or more to conduct rehearsals. We were rearranging and cutting scenes until two weeks before we opened and the final songs weren't finished until the last possible minute. It was terrifying. I had no time for homework, friends, a job, or anything else.

And yet... I did. Somehow or other, I managed to get homework mostly done, developed and strengthened some of the most important friendships of my life, held a job I loved, and still had time to sit on the lawn of my complex and watch the sunsets and be happy. Don't ask me how it works; I only know the why.

It all boils down to exactly what my mom was talking about. I was doing something real. It was real enough that cast members would come find me after rehearsal and tell me how being in the show was helping their confidence; it was real enough that people are still asking for copies of the soundtrack. More to the point, it was real enough that I cared, and it turns out that caring comes with crazy amounts of energy and motivation, for the project at hand and everything that goes with it.

I'm not suggesting people attempt full-time freelance careers as a side dish to school, or that people stop going to work in order to write on their great American novels. But maybe good grades or pay raises aren't enough. Maybe we need to do something that matters, whatever that means to you. A blog, an art project, applying for a job you don’t think you’ll get, building a car from scratch, sewing your own wedding dress, learning to manage your finances and pay your taxes without anyone else's help: if it's a little scary and something that calls to you, it's legit.

That's my pep talk. Like all lectures, parental or otherwise, this one is made up of just words. I can't make you do anything. But trust me, I'm channeling my mother for a reason. Do something real. It may end up being the coolest thing you ever do.


Images by dbdbrobot and divemasterking2000.

What is your hurt telling you?

I finally gave in. After months of holding off, refusing to get swept up in the pop culture craze, I watched Glee.

Reaction: GLEE GLEE GLEE GLEE GLEE GLEE GLEE GLEE <3 <3 <3!!!!!!!!!!!!

The pilot and subsequent episodes made me cry, hokey as that is. These kinds of shows and movies about teenagers performing against all odds (even kind of awful ones like Step Up and Raise Your Voice) make me hurt everywhere inside in the sweetest way. It's nostalgia for something I never had. I wished from the time I was nine or so that someone would step up, take me by the hand and make me into a singer or an actress or some kind of performer, not because I wanted to be famous or popular --- both highly overrated goals --- but because I didn't (and don't) remember how to play. The best kind of playing has always been the arts for me, but I haven't given myself carte blanche to go full-on for it in over ten years. I'm so burningly jealous of the people onstage whenever I go to see a really good production, because I know how in flow they are and I crave that.

Hurt usually covers up a desire. In this case, all of these drama/dance/band-geek shows always point me in the direction of this big castle in the sky, a performing arts center for underprivileged kids and teenagers. I don't know if it's ever something I'll actually do --- it'll take a lot more life experience, business acumen and awareness of my priorities before I decide if it's a realistic and worthwhile goal --- but the desire is there and my pain and bittersweet reactions are the X that marks the spot.

What makes you hurt? What makes you cry --- particularly ridiculous things? What do you run away from? What do those reactions point to? What desire(s) are those negative or conflicted feelings covering?

Images by rachellynnae and A National Acrobat.

Green Smoothies

Guilt-free dinner and dessert. Jamba at home. Happiness in a glass. I’m talking about green smoothies.

You heard me. Spinach. Kale. Avocado. Blended up with a handful of fruits and a drizzle of honey.

I know — who wants their salad pureed? But trust me, this stuff is health food worth trying.

The ingredients:

Spinach — It's one of those high-energy nutrient-rich foods that we should all be eating more of. It’s full of iron, fiber, calcium, vitamins, you name it. And — and this is the wonderful bit — it’s almost completely tasteless in a smoothie.

Fruit — Packed with gagillions of nutrients. Juicy. Full of natural sugars.

Avocado (optional) — Fiber! Potassium! Vitamin E! Insanely delicious! Also tasteless in a smoothie!

Here’s my recipe. 

Warning: it’s really complicated... Psyche! [Cool edgy ‘90s kid alert.]

*** 

Half spinach (or kale or whatever dark leafy thing you want). Half fruit. (Bananas, strawberries, cherries, raspberries, mangoes, peaches, whatever floats your boat. Mix it up.) Blend. Taste. 

Not sweet enough? Add a drizzle of honey — a little goes a long way. Blend again. 

Want to make it creamy? Add avocado (bearing in mind that spinach + avocado = power food). Blend again. 

Drink. Experience nirvana. 

***

The green color might put you off a little. That’s okay. Ease into the green smoothie thing by adding blueberries and other dark fruits that’ll cover it up. Then ease your way back out and embrace the color. I promise, you won’t mind after a while. These are good.

That’s all, folks. I’m addicted and for once in my life (unlike the Oreo, Nutella and nachos obsessions), this one’s really good for you. Win-win-win.

Photos by tiffanywashko and ilovemypit

Bucket List

We've all got 'em. Here's mine:

1. See Niagara Falls

2. Hold a monkey

3. Boat through Lake Powell/see the sculpted rock in that area

4. Attend Burning Man

5. Meet a dolphin

6. Live by the ocean

7. Start over alone in a new city

8. Live in Italy

9. Pay for a house in cash

10. Drive across the United States (or another country) and document it

11. Ride in a hot air balloon

12. Bike through Ireland with my best friend

13. Chase a tornado

14. Go whale-watching

15. Learn to play the drums

16. See the pyramids

17. Find and define truth I can live by

18. Learn to drive a stick shift

Stuff that wasn't on my bucket list that I did anyway:

1. Perform in a circus

2. Play with an octopus

3. Write a musical

4. Attend a hot air balloon festival

Secrets of Adulthood

I'm in the process of compiling my list of what Gretchen Rubin of The Happiness Project calls "Secrets of Adulthood." They're personal rules of living --- principles that aid happiness and personal success. I'll be updating my list as needed and encourage you to start one of your own.

1. Have something non-human to nurture. Cats, plants, injured birds, whatever's available. Get the satisfaction of taking care of something without the human drama and complications.

2. A good boss equals a happier life.

3. Stay out of debt.

4. Tip well. (I got this advice from an automatic writing session and it stuck with me.)

5. Always have a project in the works.

6. Always have something to look forward to.

Housekeeping/Blog recommendation

Putting the experiments on hold for a bit. They're lots of fun but I have an insane Tuesday/Thursday workload and most of my free time is spent either working on or recovering from it.

However, I'll keep blogging on topics I find interesting.

One of them is asexuality. There's quite a bit online about it but I'm particularly enjoying this blog. It's about asexuality from a teenage perspective, and there's something very fresh and appealing about it. I can't necessarily say I understand where she's coming from --- I'm very sexual and identify strongly with womanhood --- but it's interesting to read about, particularly coming from someone so young and self-aware.

Artist Dates - #8

Format: Five artist dates.

Goal: Go out. Enjoy my own company doing something other than homework.

Goal met? And how!

Terms you should know:

Artist Date: "A once-weekly, festive, solo expedition to explore something that interests you. The Artist Date need not be overtly 'artistic' --- think mischief more than mastery." - Julia Cameron 

So here’s what happened:

I used to go on occasional artist dates with myself. The concept of the Artist Date comes from Julia
Cameron's The Artist's Way, a journal/monologue/workbook/self-help/inspirational book that's meant to help you reignite your creativity. (You can visit Amazon's page for the book through the link on the left.) Though Cameron's official definition of an artist date is that it happens once a week and is solo, I broadened my horizons, decided I could do it whenever I got a chance and could include people. My goal was not to ignite my creativity --- though that never hurts --- but to reaffirm that yes, there is a life outside of school and work and yes, it is accessible to me here now.

About my dates: They are cheap and they are brief. I can't afford expensive candlelit restaurants and glamorous theaters (though, having taken myself out to both in the past, I can say with some authority that they're totally worth doing) and have to limit myself to things in walking distance that fit into my semi-tight schedule. I plan on doing this again in the future with more dedication, time and money, so consider this the preliminary round.

Date 1: I bought a bamboo. It was a 20-minute date, if that, and shopping's not normally exciting, but you have to understand a few things. First, I love houseplants. Two, it's a bamboo. How cool is that? Three, it qualifies as a date and not an errand because made a special expedition out of my warm cozy house and into the arctic chill to go get it at the plant sale. That's serious right there. Anyway, it was nice. I got to enjoy the scant sunshine and baby the thing on the way home, and now it's sitting on my desk looking green and eastern and beautiful.

Date 2: Went to see When in Rome with a friend and her roommate. It was fun. I forget how much I love movies --- I don't watch them super-often (while I confess to a slight Lois and Clark addiction at the moment, that's a TV show, not a movie, and they are totally different creatures) and whenever I do watch them, I'm multitasking. It was good to just sit back and veg. And, on the self-development front, the movie totally re-reminded me of how much I love the idea of Italy and want to live in New York.

Date 3: Watched Labyrinth, on purpose and not while juggling three other things. Yes, I get that this is starting to revolve around TV... but TV worth watching! Labyrinth is a creative extravaganza and reminded me again of why I'm in school, why I'm going to get out of it someday, and how I want to focus my career and free time.

Date 4: Went and saw --- I know, I know, they're all movies... there's not a lot to do around here! --- Autumn Sonata, which is a very odd, provocative and lovely movie directed by Ingmar Bergman. Really enjoyable, especially as it was in Swedish and Swedish is one of the languages of my childhood.

Date 4: Went country and then Latin dancing, one on Wednesday and one on Friday. It was so much fun. I haven't been dancing in ages and it's awkward to go alone, but this time I got to go with my cousin who was up visiting for the week. We had so much fun, I was reminded once again that my cousins are awesome, and I got to dance and flirt with boys. And men. Freaking amazing. Dancing is one of those low-pressure, low-commitment, high-energy activities that I love, and I got some pretty good stories out of it, too...

What I learned:

Try this:

1. Go places alone sometimes. Be bold. Granted, a lot of these things (like dancing) are a lot more fun when you do them with people you like, but you'll never meet people you like without getting out there alone once in a while.

2. Movies are actually a pretty respectable way to spend an evening. Not as cool as bamboo plants and dancing, but still enjoyable alone or with someone.

3. Always have an escape route. The dance was fun but we sort of (okay, not sort of) got stalked by... well, not the sort of person you'd want to get stalked by.

4. Get thee out of thine apartment, even if it's cold/you're tired/it's a long walk. It's usually worth it. Not always --- let's not delude ourselves --- but usually. If you lack all semblance of self-control, like I do, this is the most challenging part. "Just do it" is the best advice I've got right now; as soon as I come up with something more brilliant, I'll let you know.

Next challenge: Don't know yet... Letter-writing, maybe

Photos by TroyMason and zabara_tango

Happiness is...

I have a cat asleep on my feet. 

Images by CarbonNYC, meddygarnet, Snap®, j_silla, emrank and Carrie'sCamera.

Gratitude - #7

Format: 1-week challenge

Goal: When praying, do not ask for anything

Goal met? No. But I got results anyway.

Terms you should know:

Prayer - In my case, a formal addressing of God. (Well, sort of formal. I sound like Tevye sometimes...) In your case... could be anything that addresses God/Goddess/Source/Universe/Higher Consciousness/etc.

So here’s what happened:

I'm not what I would call extremely religious. I don't talk about church stuff unless it's a church topic, I watch movies on Sunday, and I'm actually pretty uncomfortable discussing God with most people. I do, however, pray regularly, and highly recommend this practice, whatever your deity or religious beliefs. I think most people believe in a higher power of some sort --- even if it's their own best self --- and I think formally addressing and stating what you're thankful for and what you want from that higher power is pretty worth doing.

Which leads to the experiment. I realized that most of my prayers are like, "Thanks for this and this and I want this and this and this and this and please bless them and them and them and them and I want this and this..." It's basically a horribly demanding shopping list, and, I'm not gonna lie, most of it doesn't make a difference --- usually because I'm praying for things I don't actually think I'm going to get, or things that I want because I'm so afraid of not getting them.

Operating from fear/doubt = ineffective.

So all my prayers for the week are going to be full of things I'm thankful for and nothing else (with the exception of praying for a friend who's dealing with cancer, 'cause that trumps all).

Day 1: I am not very good at this. But I don't feel so powerless. It's like, "Well, if I don't ask, God's not going to give me this so I might as well get off my butt and do it myself." Win. Maybe illogical, but win. Also, it's very difficult to not ask for things for other people. I'm used to praying for my family a lot and that's against the rules now. But, as I said, empowering.

Day 2: Really enjoying this. Again, keep wanting to pray for family and/or my grades, but I'm only slipping up, like, 50% of the time.

There's something weirdly Law of Attractionish about this. The LoA functions on emotional wavelengths, and gratitude is one of the most positive energies you can send out. I'm actually finding things coming to me more easily. Little invaluable stuff... getting extensions on homework, test alternatives for tests I was worried about, having enough time to do homework and play too, making a brief but lovely connection with someone I'm interested in, etc. I can't categorically say that it's all because of this experiment... but I can't say it's not, either. I'm just feeling more positive and empowered generally and it's bound to ripple.

Day 6: Freaking. Awesome. Week. Like, really, it's been a good week. Unusually good. Roommate has been unusually quiet (she snores). I've been unusually happy. I've had some unusually magnificent insights (see previous post). My days have gone unusually well. I've had unusually abundant synchronicities. Heck, I was walking across campus today, thought, "My life would be easier if I had cash right now" and literally less than thirty seconds later looked down and saw a $1 bill lying in the deserted parking lot. And it's been like that all week. Or maybe I'm just not noticing the bad stuff. Whatever. It's awesome.

Again: Law of Attraction. "Like attracts like." Operating from a positive, grateful base is a lot better than coming from a negative, angry one. Everyone likes you more when you're positive, including the Universe.

I've been slipping up like mad --- mostly in the areas of praying for family --- but it doesn't really matter. 90% of every prayer is all thanks and it's illuminating. My sense of entitlement is slipping away and I'm more okay when things suck. It's like, "Hey, what can you expect without divine intervention? But look at the crocuses! Isn't God nice?"

Which is pretty much fantastic.

I'm making this a habit.

Try this:

1. Do I really have to explain this one to you?

Well, okay, if you're not in the habit of praying, maybe so. (Also, if you're uncomfortable with the term prayer, you can totally rename it. Gratitude session works just as well.)

Find a quiet place where you're not going to be bugged for, like, three minutes (which is harder for some of us than others, I know). Address whatever higher power you believe in if that feels right to you; if not, come up with some other sort of beginning.

[Sidebar: I really do think it's important to formally do this. Developing a generally grateful attitude is awesome, but it's a heck of a lot easier to do once you adopt this practice.]

Then say thanks. For big stuff or little stuff, it doesn't matter; just list it and think about it and why you're grateful for it and how it makes you feel. Do it out loud if you can. Putting things into sound makes them a lot more real.

Whenever you feel like you're done for now, close the prayer/gratitude session somehow. My religion invokes deity again; you may be in the habit of a straight-up "Amen" or want to come up with something of your own. Again, whatever works. And just thanks. No asking for things, no qualifying ("Thanks that it was sunny today, even though the wind went straight through your coat and was cold even though it is almost spring..."). Just thanks.

I recommend doing this before bedtime. They say that whatever you think about before bed is what your subconscious works on while you're sleeping, and I can attest to it having pretty significant effects --- since I began this experiment I've been waking up in absurdly good moods.

2. If you prefer, you can also use meditation sessions for this. When I meditate I prefer to just sit back and watch my thoughts, but I think using meditation to practice conscious gratitude can be a valuable practice, too.

Powerful stuff.

Next challenge: Dating Myself, for real this time...

Images from aussiegall's beautiful 30 Days of Gratitude photostream

Lovely self-disclosing post about relationships

It's time for another all-about-me blog, because I have realized something delicious.

Some friends and I were talking about relationships several months back and one of them said that he has this theory that your first relationship determines the rest of your relationships.

My thought: Oh, crap. Because 1) I think his theory is a good one; I've seen it and similar theories play out, and 2) my first relationship sucked.

I blame my own desperation/depression/loneliness, because when you've decided that no one is going to think of you as anything more than a friend and/or that weird smart awkward home schooled kid, your prospects get a little gloomy. And when a guy pays attention to you, like you're a girl or something, it goes to your head.

(For the record, I have now realized a couple things: 1) Guys always realize you're a girl, 2) the weird smart awkward home school thing is kinda hot, and 3) loneliness and depression are the worst reasons to get into a relationship on the planet.)

Anyway, this guy and I dated. Things ended two months later. Things really ended a few months after that when I realized who he was vs. who he'd been pretending to be and I'll admit I've never quite forgiven him.

(Sidebar: I realize there is a slim chance he may yet read this. We still travel in the same social circles and the internet makes the world tiny, so there is a chance. I do not apologize for anything I'm saying here nor for saying it, but I will acknowledge that he probably had his reasons for doing what he did and may have been going through more than I thought at the time. However, I'm telling this story from my side.)

So anyway, that relationship was a real downer. And my next one was not a relationship at all but an extended flirtation where I acted in ways I'm not proud of and didn't respect myself very much. After two such failures and no successes you start to see yourself as being pretty incapable.

But then I had a wonderful realization:

Boyfriend #1 wasn't my first relationship at all.

It was definitely my first flirtation, first physical involvement, first experience with couplehood, first fling. People saw us as an us and we definitely dated.

But it wasn't a relationship at all. A relationship requires communication (lacking), trust (lacking), respect (lacking), long-term affection (sort of there but mostly lacking), planning for the future (not lacking, but when it happened I went all fight-or-flight), honesty (lacking), confidence (lacking) and a sense of being together for a long time because there is nothing you want more (lacking).

Turns out my real first relationship was with my best friend.

The only thing we didn't do was kiss (pretty good thing, too, seeing as how we're straight) but everything was there. Communication, deeply and daily. Trust, with my life. Respect, 100%. Long-term affection, absolutely. Planning for the future, constantly and wonderfully. Honesty, more so than I am with anyone outside my family. Confidence, yes, and when it's not there we're there to buoy one another up. Sense of togetherness, absolutely --- I'm a commitment-phobe but I have no problem knowing that I will be there for her as long as she needs or wants me.

She was and is my first real relationship, and it's a wonderful one. I'm not afraid about screwing up with someone now --- I don't suck at relationships. In fact, I'm pretty good at ours. I love her like she's my sister and I've chosen a wonderful person to love. She's remarkable, and beautiful, and loving and I'm better when I'm around her.

She wasn't a fling and she wasn't a flirtation. I'm not saying I'll never have those again --- I'm rather planning on it --- but I'm realizing that they don't count. What counts are the things that teach you how to love, and my friendship with her has done that where that supposed "first relationship" failed. So it doesn't count. She does. And, best of all, I don't have to break up with her when I do find a nice guy. ;)

Facebook Fast - #6

Format: 1-week challenge

Goal: Deactivate Facebook for a week. As I told Facebook when deactivating:

I'm far too addicted at Facebook at the moment and want to see what my communications with people will turn into without it. Will people stay in touch? Will I get back in touch with the real world? Will I discover that this IS the real world? Only time will tell!

Goal met? Splendidly.

Terms you should know:

Deactivation - As it relates to Facebook, deactivation is the temporary suspension of your account. No information is removed and an account can be reactivated by simply logging in.

So here’s what happened:

Day 1: Immediately after deactivating: Felt weirdly relieved and freed, but still sorta shackled, like I had to delete the thing to really be free of it. Which is silly; there's no way I'm deleting. I keep in touch with way too many people through it and I've got quite a history recorded there.

Day 2: This is weird. I'm, like... doing my homework.

Days 3-4: Not actually missing it too much. I'll miss it because I'm bored or because I want to send someone an awesome link and don't have their email, but other than that... life's cooler with real people.

Day 5: I keep thinking things and wanting to put them as status updates, and then I realize I can't. It's sad... not because it really matters but because it's showing me how lonely I am here. There's no one to just tell random thoughts to. I miss my best friend. And occasionally I'll see things I really want to share with people, but I can't because I don't have another way to get a hold of them. Half the people I know that aren't around here I communicate with solely through Facebook.

Having said all of that, though, it's kind of nice. I'm rediscovering things on the internet that are a much better use of my time as well as finding more time for doing things offline that I enjoy... like reading crazy amounts of young adult fiction for a class I'm in.

Also, I'm reaching for the phone more. Not to talk --- I hate talking on the phone --- but to text. Texting isn't exactly the holy grail of person-to-person communication but I find I prefer that direct link rather than the general by-the-way sense a Facebook status or notification provides.

Day 6: I almost gave in. You see, I'm bored. I have no hot guys to hang out with and I hung out with my only friend here yesterday. I'd hate to smother her just as I'm learning that she's better(-)than(-)sex cake. Other than that, all of my friends are online. Bleeaaaargh.

Pride conquers all, though: I would be a loser if I quit two days early so I wrote instead. It was a good use of my time.

Also, side note, I think I'm going to begin work on a weird alternatively-formatted memoir that will alienate me from most of my friends, most of whom are on Facebook, thus 1) creating a work of interesting literature and 2) removing the Facebook temptation. Spiffy, eh?

Oh, also, weird thing: I logged into MySpace. I know! Crazy! MySpace is dead! But I logged in anyway. And --- you're never gonna believe this --- people still use MySpace. Weird or what?

Day 7: Time's up. I just reactivated and realized that there was really nothing I wanted to do on Facebook so I logged back out. 

There's part of me that wants to do a massive purge and delete 90% of my friends list, but I've decided against this. I like being able to instantly contact almost anyone I know and it's nice to stay up to date on major life events of acquaintances (marriage, moves and the like). I did, however, go though and delete a bunch of people I didn't know or want to stay in touch with, which brought my count from 303 to 244.

As for now... I'm just going to be logging in a whole lot less. If I find myself going there whenever I'm bored I'll deactivate again, or do a huge purge, or do something to make it all more real. As for now, Facebook has been relegated to a complex address book I will turn to when I need to get a hold of people or want to share information (like, for example, new blog posts).

Try this:

1. Just do it. Really. If you've started to use Facebook instead of real communication, just turn it off. See what happens. I ended up having more real conversations with people and got a lot more done, and I didn't miss it that much. Facebook's awesome, don't get me wrong, but awesomer stuff (like cheerful men on beaches, see photo) is mostly found in real life.

Next challenge: Dating Myself

Images by benstein and dannysullivan and craigallyn