Dontcha Wish Your Girlfriend... - #14

Format: 21-day project
Goal: Relate to myself like I would to someone I was in a good relationship with for 21 days.
Goal met? And how.

So here's what happened:I went to get lunch today on campus because I wasn't going to have time to go home between classes/meetings, and I've been skipping meals too much lately. Immediate panic attack: I don't believe in spending money if I can get something cheaper-better elsewhere. But I put my foot down (yes, with myself) and just bought the stupid pizza slice.

Then I saw a girl standing across the checkout from me with two takeout boxes, the other one presumably for a friend/boyfriend/husband. And I realized: If I'd been getting lunch for someone else I cared about, I wouldn't have cared about the cost or value. I'd have just done it and been happy they had a nice lunch.

The obvious conclusion: I don't treat myself like I'd treat someone I love. Even though I do love myself, quite a lot. I think the issue is that I know what I can handle--I know that skipping lunch wouldn't have done more than given me a headache and maybe low energy. But I never know what other people can handle, or if they're just being polite when they say they're okay with [whatever], so I go the extra mile to make sure they're happy and comfortable.

So here's the plan: For the next 21 days, I am going to endeavor to treat myself the way I'd treat someone I was in a healthy friendship/relationship with. (Ties into the idea of self-marriage, which I quite like.) All the time. No exceptions. Wish me luck.

Day 1: Bought a pizza slice. Big freaking deal, right? But certain courses may foreshadow certain ends... *dun dun dun*

As a side note, I'm hoping this project will help me get more in tune with a relationship vibe. I haven't been on a real date in way longer than I'd like to admit and haven't been in a relationship in even longer, and while I love being alone, the number of couples around me is increasingly weirding me out and I think I need to get back into the swing of things just to remember what all the fuss is about. My chronic singleness, while enjoyable, is distancing me more than I'd like from the rest of humanity.

Later: I'm noticing a strange duality. All day I've been asking myself what I want or how I'm feeling, and it's like the masculine half is the one doing the asking, then the feminine half does the answering, then the masculine half either takes action to make the feminine half happy, or gently reasons with the feminine half to come up with a better plan of action. Very weird.

Day 2: I'm becoming self-indulgent. Took a two-hour nap after class this morning. Gorgeous.

This way of relating to myself is also making me much less stressed out by... how do I explain this? Certain types of boy tend to gravitate towards me. These are either:

• awkward guys who think I'm pretty but who become monosyllabic drones when I talk to them;
• 30-year-olds who still think they're 19, who have been single long enough to develop the guts to say "Hey beautiful" twelve times a day, and haven't been single long enough to realize that this doesn't work;
• guys who date me for my hair (this actually happens);
• guys who just like a challenge; or
• guys who become fixated on me because a) I'm a girl nerd, b) they have somehow envisioned me as a video game character, or c) they have this idea that I can be their maiden of Camelot with alabaster skin and flowing tresses, yaddi-yadda; i.e., I am apparently a good blank slate for general fantasy fulfillment. What can I say? I contain a multitude of archetypes.

It's hilarious sometimes but usually just tends to make me snippy toward men who could even hypothetically fit into one of these categories. (Sorry, guys I'm snippy to who are actually just being nice. I'm jaded.) But this project has made me be able to shake off my irritation more easily. I encountered one of the above guys today and it didn't really bug me, because hey, I was taken, and me and myself were going to go home later and enjoy each other's company and be relieved that we weren't with one of Those Boys.

Day 3: Apparently I like it when my girlfriend looks good. Since I started this I've been much more attentive to my appearance, because my "male"/assertive/yang half appreciates it. I'm wearing nail polish and makeup and stuff. Bizarre. (I should clarify something here... My yang half does not care about perfection or traditional cosmetically-enhanced "feminine beauty". We see images of women in the media that are perfectly beautiful, and I tend to find that sad and repulsive before I find it beautiful. The thing my yang half finds attractive is visual interest. Colors, movement, curves, artistic touches... it likes visually expressed creative playfulness.)

Day 4: Didn't focus much on this today. I'm having a weird thing with food, which I'll be doing an experiment on in a couple of weeks. Also, this whole duality thing does not keep me from missing human contact.

Day 5: Today was exhausting. I told myself yesterday that I needed to stop taking naps, but today I got home from rehearsal and it was nice to be able to have the one side go, "But I said I wasn't going to nap!" and then the other side say, as it would to someone else, "Um, hi, you're on the verge of a breakdown. Sleep." It's like being my own mother. (Where exactly does this fit in the Oedipal scheme of things...?)

Day 6: On that note, Happy Mother's Day. My family basically postponed Mother's Day, so I stayed home and was incredibly self-indulgent. (Self-indulgent: spend the entire day sewing and watching Star Trek. There are few sweeter joys.)

Day 7: Felt like crap and didn't give a single thought to this experiment.

Day 8: BLAAAAAAAAAAAH. Felt like crap again, but figured out why. Most of this paragraph is going to consist of TMI for any men reading this, so skip if you don't want to hear about it. I've been on birth control for the past few years as a hormone/cycle regulation (10 days on, 12 days off, 10 days on, ladies--not fun) and went off it about a year ago. Since then my body's been adjusting to its own natural rhythms, which, it appears, include PMS. I'd forgotten what the whole wanting-to-cut-out-my-own-uterus thing was like... The upshot is that it's given me a real opportunity to baby myself and not feel guilty about it.

Days 9–12: Holy busy, Batman. Main realization over the last couple of days: I am one foxy nerdy lady, and I feel really lucky that I get to take myself home every night. ;)

Day 13: Apparently the confidence-through-the-roof that being your own girlfriend creates is effective. All day at church today, guys were doing double takes and stopping in the middle of conversations to stare at me. And it wasn't 'cause I had broccoli in my teeth, either. Very strange. I suppose I should've taken the opportunity to flirt or something, but mostly I just felt weird and headed out really fast after the service. But... still. Flattering.

Day 14: Um... someone (a boy someone) used the love word. Which was... Well. That's all I'm saying on that right now. But odd. And the grounded feeling that this experiment is doing a good job at keeping me level-headed about it. So... this is good.

Days 15-16: When my sides get angry at each other, Yin is the first to look like she might be sorry, then Yang is the first to actually apologize, and then they hug. Not literally, of course, but that's the best way I can think of to describe the emotional back-and-forth. These two have actual conversations in my head sometimes. In our head. It's odd.

Day 17: Date night tonight! It's been such a good day, and I want to slow down and enjoy it. So tonight, Yin and Yang are going to come home after rehearsal, ignore homework, eat whatever we darn well please, do whatever we darn well please, and mostly just enjoy each other's company.

Day 18: So... date night didn't happen last night. I got home from rehearsal and just slept. Date night was tonight. TV and mani/pedi time. It was lush, and I felt like I was spending my time in a worthwhile way, because I was nurturing myself. It's almost as satisfying as nurturing a pet, which is saying a lot.

On another note, I had a great conversation with my grandma today. My grandpa passed away last year, and while it's been hard for her, I get the impression that she's been able to get back in touch with herself, and it's brought a new level of decisiveness and self-nurturing to her that I've never seen before. If and when I get into a "relationship," I want to hold onto the conscious self-awareness I'm experiencing now.

Day 19: Glorious Sunday and its lack of classes. Been lazy today (major relief after the last two weeks of go-go-go) and while I feel slightly guilty about not accomplishing anything, including stuff I want to do just for me, I've got this weird back-and-forth going on where my sides are both validating each other's decision to be lazy, even if they can't validate their own. This could become a vicious cycle, but it's sort of just nice right now. And if we do end up being productive later, it'll be a relief to give into our mutual guilt and commiserate over that. (One can commiserate with oneself. It's kinda cool.)

Day 20: Spent the evening with some of my favorite people. (I'm related to them.) It was great. Didn't think about this experiment at all. Was more concerned with thinking about my cat (I'm sort of related to her). But I don't really need to think about this anymore. It just kinda is what it is, and I love it.

Day 21: Today, I did not go buy a donut, because, though that would have been awesome and satisfied a craving, the only donuts in walking distance were crap and I deserve better than that. So tonight I'm going to go home and make apple pastries for date night. We start with food, we end with food. (Date night, by the way, is awesome and will be happening frequently from here on out.)

This is the end of this experiment, folks, but not the end of this way of relating to myself. I've loved this, and I'm so much kinder to myself than I was a month ago. Consciously kind. Consciously sympathetic. Consciously loving.

I love the duality this experiment has brought up. I love the way it split me into these two halves that can converse and balance each other out. I love the way it brought to light the fact that yes, you can be complete alone, and no, completion doesn't always mean you don't still need other people. Oddly, though I'd hoped this would help me develop a more relationship-friendly attitude, it's mostly just made me more confident that I don't want one right now.

I am my own girlfriend. I'd thought about this idea before (and discussed it with my dear friend Kealeigh), but I wasn't really living it. But now I am. And I will. Because this is awesome.

*hugs self*

*and all of you*

Try this:
Do this experiment. Think of yourself as someone else. You'll feel it out as you go, and only you can figure out what self-love looks like in your own life. But do, because it's wonderful.

Coming Soon... Enjoying life, goshdarnit. (Probably not wanton hedonism... but a little hedonism.) And maybe something with religion. If you have any ideas, send 'em this way.

Why I Don't Do Homework

I was unschooled, and it kind of gave me an attitude. Today, I was sitting in class during a small group discussion  about "the reading." I hadn't done it. I have not, in fact, done it since the second week of class.

It wasn't worth it.

My attitude toward formal education is skeptical. My parents taught me to read at home when I was three. I went to public school for a few years, and liked it, then in third grade my parents pulled me out to home school me. (Long dramatic deal; long story short, OCD reared its anal-retentive head and I developed massive anxiety.) When I was eleven, my mom walked into the room and said, "Look, I'm really busy right now. Educate yourself, go to college, and if you're still living at home when you're 26, that'll be really embarrassing for you." With that, she walked out.

So from age eleven on, I was in charge of my own education. I made up curricula, tried out lots of textbooks, and eventually settled on googling cool stuff all day and working through an ACT prep book. I got awesome at finding good sources and finding ways to learn that worked for me.

Today, when confronted with any assignment, I don't have a lot of time for anything that doesn't work for me. I apply a fairly rigorous cost vs. benefit analysis to all school assignments. I usually do turn-in homework--that's where the points are, and I only ever want to take a class once--but about 80% of the time, I pass on the reading. Most of it is dry and unhelpful. Most textbooks are unnecessarily verbose in a way that makes me think the writers are more concerned with proving their credibility than providing useful food for thought. Most reading assignments, in short, are full of information that I can find in clearer, most interesting forms elsewhere.

Don't be confined by a syllabus. Don't go along just because "that's the way we've always done it." Think for yourself and don't waste your life away conforming to other people's suggestions. Use your brain, not your teacher's or your classmates' or the textbook authors'. Approach life like an unschooler. This approach may make you less involved in school, but it'll give you a much better education.

Photos by tanjila and Spree2010.

An Apple A Day - #13

Note: I'm bolding key phrases/ideas to improve skimmability. Let me know if it helps you.

Format: Week-long experiment
Goal: Work produce into half my meals for a week.
Goal met? Not quite... but got results anyway.

Why this experiment?
I do Bountiful Baskets, which is this awesome produce co-op, and so I'm usually incorporate a fair bit of produce into my diet. The other week they'd run out of baskets before I had a chance to order, so I went back to eating whatever else was in my cupboard, which mostly meant tuna fish and pasta. The first day, my energy just crashed. I felt heavy and sick and was not a happy camper. And I figured it had something to do with the food. A week later and I'm okay, but not especially energetic. I sleep 8-9 hours a night and don't function well on less, and have an okay amount of energy during the day with lots of little peaks and crashes. So, a week after my carbs- and fats-heavy diet, I'm switching back to produce. Not a drastic switch: My goal is to work produce into at least half of my meals throughout the week.

(Note on the tallies at the end of each day--I'm being really loose with my numbers here and will count a snack as a meal.)

So here's what happened:
Day 1 (March 15)
Breakfast: Skipped. Was late to church.
Lunch: Leftover eggs and ice cream with homemade Magic Shell topping. (Mostly just trying to use up my non-experiment-friendly food.
Dinner: Fried carrots and radishes with ketchup.
Misc. Snackage: A couple of chocolates that were lying around my room.
Produce in: 1/3

Day 2 (March 16)
Breakfast: An apple. I know, part of this complete breakfast, right?
Lunch: Leftover pasta/cheese sauce.
Dinner: Curry soup with yams and radishes and carrots. Yum.
Misc. Snackage: Oreos and milk.
Produce in: 2/4

Day 3 (March 17)
Breakfast: Apple and graham crackers/milk.
Lunch: Egg salad with pickles and tomatoes.
Dinner: Mac and cheese. I was lazy, ok?
Misc. Snackage: Crackers
Produce in: 2/4

Day 4 (March 18)
Breakfast: Graham crackers/milk.
Lunch: Scrambled eggs with tomatoes and green pepper.
Dinner: Salad (Romaine with radishes and Italian dressing; so good) and fried potatoes and carrots and peppers and tomatoes.
Misc. Snackage: Ice cream.
Produce in: 2/4

Day 5 (March 19)
Breakfast: Pancakes.
Lunch: Eggs with peppers and tomatoes.
Dinner: Mini crullers and sparkling pomegranate-blueberry juice. 'Cause what healthier way to end your day?
Misc. Snackage: Cadbury hot chocolate. Oh. My. Goodness.
Produce in: 1/4

Day 6 (March 20)
Breakfast: Cantaloupe.
Lunch: Fish sticks.
Dinner: Fried potatoes and peppers.

Misc. Snackage: Crackers, cupcake.
Produce in: 2/4

Day 7 (March 21)
Breakfast: Slept through. Bliss. Also good headache cure...
Lunch: Cantaloupe.
Dinner: Tuna sandwiches with tomatoes and pickles.
Misc. Snackage: Homemade peanut butter cups. (SO GOOD.)
Produce in: 2/3


TOTAL: 12/26 (so about 46%)


Conclusions:
I have a horrible diet, as a rule. It's twenty kinds of generic and I eat too much pasta and ice cream. To be honest, though, this probably won't change. I really like pasta and ice cream.

And the main conclusion: Working produce into my diet makes a huge difference in terms of energy and mood. Interestingly, this experiment made my energy levels better--I managed less sleep than usual with no naps and was okay, if not great--but my mood worse--straight carbs and fats tend to keep my body and mind sort of full and dull, whereas this mixed sort of diet made me feel full but not dull, which meant more emotionally sensitivity.

Realization: If you don't especially like your life, emotional sensitivity is not necessarily a good thing. Or, correction, if you generally like your life but don't like much of the stuff that's going on in it. My body wasn't busy digesting and dealing with all the processed junk I was putting into it, so I had a lot more energy left over for mental processes... which meant a lot of angsty analyzing of who I am and what I want and all my issues with this school and religion and men and yaddi-yadda-yadda-yadda... but I was also more attuned to all the pretty flowers and nice things people said... so all day I was bouncing up and down from bliss to gloom to bliss again. Not recommended.

This moodiness is something I've heard of happening when you first move to veganism and especially raw foodism, but I hadn't expected to see the difference so pronounced in such a minor diet shift. I mean, I just went from tuna sandwiches to tuna sandwiches with tomatoes in them... but there was a huge change in both energy and mood.

Still... I recommend bumping up one level of produce consumption because a) the energy boost is awesome, and b) veggies are just more healthy than mac and cheese. I'll be keeping this up, and moving more toward a produce-based diet. I may even get as far as one produce basket per week... But we'll see.

Try this:
If you can get it in your area, Bountiful Baskets is amazing. You get a ton of produce for $15. I get one every other week and split with a friend and her husband, because a whole basket will usually last us that long. It's so much cheaper than produce from the store, and there are always cool surprises--a few weeks ago we got okra in our baskets. I always thought I hated okra (word to the wise: DO NOT BOIL IT) but got creative and found that okra pancakes are delicious.

Coming Soon... Being My Own Girlfriend. This one's kinda fun.

Photos by ariztravel, JD Hancock, *Zoha,N, epSos.de, catsper

Rice Update

I know, you're probably sick of rice updates. But this still blows my mind.

This is what the rice jars looked like a couple weeks ago:

And this is what they look like today:

They're not changing very quickly anymore--they seem to have just settled in like this. This project is almost two months old... it'll be fun to see how long the rice stays like this.

More stuff coming soon...