I love personality quizzes. It's fascinating how the infinite complexity of human beings can be distilled into a series of types without those humans losing any of their uniqueness. Below are some good ones I've found.
Future posts will take this a step further into the mystical exploring horoscopes, graphology and iridology, all of which have been frequently called "nonsense" but may provide some fun insights anyway. After all, this is personal development... there're no rules here!
Post your results in the comments if you'd care to share... I'm intrigued to see what ya'll are, and, more importantly, if you agree.
Jung Typology Test
This test is similar to the Myers-Briggs, the main difference as far as I can tell being that you don't have to pay for this one. I got the same result as I have with other longer Jung typology tests, but this one is shorter and easier to understand.
My result:
INTJ (slightly expressed introvert, distinctively expressed intuitive personality, moderately expressed thinking personality, moderately expressed judging personality)
For more information on your results, visit TypeLogic.
The Color Code
This test sorts people into four colors, each of which has a dominant trait associated with it. There's red (power), yellow (fun), blue (relationships) and white (peace). It's unique in that it asks you to answer these questions according to how you were as a child. The free version of the test will tell you your dominant color but not the percentages of the other colors. For the full report, it's something like $40, or you can get the book.
WARNING: You have to supply your email address, then go check your email to activate your account and get the link to your results. May not sound like much but I hate extra steps.
My result:
Reds (Motive: Power) (43.13%)
Reds are motivated by Power. They seek productivity and need to look good to others. Simply stated, Reds want their own way. They like to be in the driver's seat and willingly pay the price to be in a leadership role. Reds value whatever gets them ahead in life, whether it be in their careers, school endeavors, or personal life. What Reds value, they get done. They are often workaholics. They will, however, resist doing anything that doesn't interest them.
(This, by the way, is all true.)
The Enneagram Test
Again, this is the free version. There are roughly a billion questions but they made sense so it went quickly. The Enneagram test links you to one of nine numbers, each of which correspond to a personality type. The results are pretty darn accurate if mine are anything to go by. (Except the intellectualism-to-cover-insecurity thing. I get all intellectual so I don't get bored.)
My result:
You are most likely a type 5: The Investigator.
Taking wings into account, you seem to be a 5w4. [5w4 means 5, with a "wing," or secondary type of 4]
The Color Quiz
Not to be confused with The Color Code, The Color Quiz is less of a personality indicator and more of a current mood indicator. It's a lot of fun, even if it does get its genders mixed up sometimes.
My results:
Not posting them as it's a rather large chunk of text and it'll change in twenty minutes anyway. Check it out for yourself; it's cool.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Recommended Reading
Having satisfied most of my personal development/self-improvement cravings with books since I was, like, nine, I thought I'd share a few of my favorites with you. Click through the links to see the book on Amazon. This is by no means an exhaustive list --- it's just a handful of the useful and memorable ones.
The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. Fantastic book on rediscovering your creative self. It's a bit New Age at times, but if you don't mind that (or, better yet, enjoy it) this is a great read. It's full of great ideas, artistic tools and projects and is equally applicable to the painter, the writer, the blogger, the insert-your-hobby-and/or-profession-here-er.
Also, this book has given me this deep and abiding love of New Mexico, despite the fact that I've never been there and am not big on hot climates. But hey, she says it's good for writers!
Yes Man by Danny Wallace is probably one of the funniest books I have ever read. It will have you LOLing in real life. And on top of that, it's incredibly life-affirming and inspirational. You can't help but be a more enthusiastic person for having read it.
You may have seen the movie. This is better. By at least 10,000 times. It's... well, it's genius, and it's more genius because it's nonfiction. This guy is for real. He said yes to every opportunity that came his way... then won the lotto, lost the lotto, flew across the continent, had a trippy shroom experience, met another Yes Man, and, of course, fell in love.
Brilliant.
Wishcraft by Barbara Sher is the ultimate self-help book, in that it actually helps. If you, like me, have read a lot of self-help books and started to realize that they are all saying the same not-very-practical things, this is something you'll want to check out. It's about finding what you want and then taking steps to get it. Not psychoanalyzing endlessly, not repeating affirmations for four hours a day, not magically deciding to be joyous. Taking steps. It's a breath of fresh air, and it's a fun read besides.
Happy for No Reason by Marci Shimoff is a fairly straightforward nonfic book on the science behind happiness. It talks about biological causes, what role your decisions play, what causes happiness, what is statistically associated with happiness... basically, it's a fascinating and informative book about what it takes to be happy and why we should bother.
The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. Fantastic book on rediscovering your creative self. It's a bit New Age at times, but if you don't mind that (or, better yet, enjoy it) this is a great read. It's full of great ideas, artistic tools and projects and is equally applicable to the painter, the writer, the blogger, the insert-your-hobby-and/or-profession-here-er.
Also, this book has given me this deep and abiding love of New Mexico, despite the fact that I've never been there and am not big on hot climates. But hey, she says it's good for writers!
Yes Man by Danny Wallace is probably one of the funniest books I have ever read. It will have you LOLing in real life. And on top of that, it's incredibly life-affirming and inspirational. You can't help but be a more enthusiastic person for having read it.
You may have seen the movie. This is better. By at least 10,000 times. It's... well, it's genius, and it's more genius because it's nonfiction. This guy is for real. He said yes to every opportunity that came his way... then won the lotto, lost the lotto, flew across the continent, had a trippy shroom experience, met another Yes Man, and, of course, fell in love.
Brilliant.
Wishcraft by Barbara Sher is the ultimate self-help book, in that it actually helps. If you, like me, have read a lot of self-help books and started to realize that they are all saying the same not-very-practical things, this is something you'll want to check out. It's about finding what you want and then taking steps to get it. Not psychoanalyzing endlessly, not repeating affirmations for four hours a day, not magically deciding to be joyous. Taking steps. It's a breath of fresh air, and it's a fun read besides.
Happy for No Reason by Marci Shimoff is a fairly straightforward nonfic book on the science behind happiness. It talks about biological causes, what role your decisions play, what causes happiness, what is statistically associated with happiness... basically, it's a fascinating and informative book about what it takes to be happy and why we should bother.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Pardon my Enthusiasm! - Emily (Corpse Bride)
I think of enthusiasm as the opposite of coolness and adolescence is a turning point for this. - Adam Savage
True dat.
I was thinking about this earlier today. As previously mentioned, I am socially awkward a lot of the time. And I'm pretty darn okay with it, because that awkwardness comes from enthusiasm, intellectualism, being engaged, not putting limits on my experience of the moment and being honest about my reactions.
And then, I stumbled upon this quote on The Glass Is Too Big, and I experienced a brief moment of synchronicitous love.
Go out. Be enthusiastic. Being cool is lame. Have you ever met someone you absolutely loved who was cool and apathetic? Because I can't think of one. Passion is so much more interesting than some film of controlled nonchalance.
True dat.
I was thinking about this earlier today. As previously mentioned, I am socially awkward a lot of the time. And I'm pretty darn okay with it, because that awkwardness comes from enthusiasm, intellectualism, being engaged, not putting limits on my experience of the moment and being honest about my reactions.
And then, I stumbled upon this quote on The Glass Is Too Big, and I experienced a brief moment of synchronicitous love.
Go out. Be enthusiastic. Being cool is lame. Have you ever met someone you absolutely loved who was cool and apathetic? Because I can't think of one. Passion is so much more interesting than some film of controlled nonchalance.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Question(s)
How can I make this blog more relevant to you?
I find when I'm reading other people's blogs I get tired when they get long-winded and intensely detailed, mostly because at that point I find they stop being relevant to me. And blogs should be about the reader.
So, in terms of experiments, personal development, personality exploration, etc., what would you like to see? What do you want to know more about? Kokology? Personality types? I'm going to keep with the experiments, but in terms of that... what do you think would be interesting? What have you found most interesting so far? (Let's face it, I need structure and feedback, otherwise it just becomes a journal and I already keep one of those.)
I find when I'm reading other people's blogs I get tired when they get long-winded and intensely detailed, mostly because at that point I find they stop being relevant to me. And blogs should be about the reader.
So, in terms of experiments, personal development, personality exploration, etc., what would you like to see? What do you want to know more about? Kokology? Personality types? I'm going to keep with the experiments, but in terms of that... what do you think would be interesting? What have you found most interesting so far? (Let's face it, I need structure and feedback, otherwise it just becomes a journal and I already keep one of those.)
Monday, February 15, 2010
About Me. How trite.
This post is going to be self-indulgent narcissism. I had two experiences lately that made me think it was necessary. Read on if you care, don't feel bad if you don't.
First, I heard through a reliable grapevine that someone I know had said that they know me "maybe a little too well." This was surprising, as I don't feel they know me particularly well; I don't think I've ever even had a truly honest/vulnerable discussion with them. (We won't go into the concept of knowing a person "too well" right now. I find it cynical.) Second, through another reliable grapevine source (what's that, a grape?) I was told that a close friend said they feel like they don't know anything about me. It was surprising at first, but really, I get it. I totally get it.
It may not be apparent through this blog, but in real life, I don't talk a lot about myself. I'm not a total recluse, of course. I converse, I express opinions, I hug people absurdly much. But I don't talk about me. I click "Don't Post" when I take Facebook quizzes because I don't want to clutter up anyone's Wall and I feel obnoxious when I start saying things like, "I'm the kind of person that [whatever]," because it's a freaking verbal tic for some people. And I'm not especially predictable. (By which I mean I'm weird, dudes. One of my most cherished dreams is to attend a Star Trek convention in totally screen-accurate clothing, I get legitimately depressed when I don't have a cat and I think the thing where you can measure the distance you've walked in terms of Middle Earth is brilliant.)
What with one thing and another, I guess this has led to odd conceptions about me.
So here it is. This is stuff you might not know that you should. It won't be comprehensive and it may be spastic, because this is hard for me to explain... I'm acutely self-aware and wordy, so me explaining me is kind of like an engineering genius trying to explain some basic principle. It just gets awkward. And really, how much can you learn from a "Tell me about yourself"? Does anyone know how to answer that?
1. I am deeply codependent. While I mostly consider myself an independent, self-sufficient woman, I would not be okay without my best friend and parents. My best friend is currently on a mission and I have been kind of turning into jelly without her. I honestly don't know what to do with myself now that she's not with me all the time. Seriously. It's freaking me out. And though I can function without my parents (they did their jobs well), I'd rather not. They're ridiculously cool people and I'd feel like less of myself if they weren't around.
2. On a similar note, my parents are one of my top priorities in life. Granted, they're not perfect and they've done some stuff I disagree with, but ultimately, they're number one. I may be playing number one right now, begging them for money and calling every five minutes with some question I should know the answer to, and I'll eventually move away and create my own life... but if something comes up, they're the most important.
3. My long-term relationship deal breakers are: 1) Cat allergies/hatred, 2) Willingness to live near my family when we have kids, 3) Understanding of marriage as a fluid, egalitarian partnership that requires extensive adaptation, 4) Interest in things other than me. (I am not a romantic and I don't want to marry one.) Most important personality traits are confidence (confidence! confidence! confidence! not arrogance!), humor (in terms of both "sense of humor" and "good humor"), intelligence/education (both required) and honesty (probably not radical honesty, but I want to be able to go, "Wow, that woman has gorgeous legs" and him to go, "Yeah, doesn't she?").
4. This may be a shock, but I do have "a relationship" on my mental horizons. However, between you and me, it's going to be a long time coming. I just don't have time or patience for meeting and flirting and dating and trying to navigate all that crap right now. Actually, I probably won't ever have time for it. If there is a great guy for me, we're either going to have to fall into a very natural, confident friendship that can develop from there or God's going to have to drop him on my head like a piano. I don't believe in dating: it sets up all sorts of ridiculous expectations and societal norms and standards when really, I just want to dive into getting to know someone who strikes me as outrageously cool, and if we end up making out later, well, didn't that work out nicely? And it's incredibly hard to find a guy I'm into. But yeah, like everyone else, I daydream about finding Mr. Awesome and making gorgeous babies together and living in a farmhouse with an orchard out back and home schooling my kids and raising frogs just for kicks and having about a thousand cats and dogs in the barn and the wickedest tree house ever and a gargantuan library all less than an hour's drive from a large city. (Okay, so maybe my daydreams aren't quite like everyone else's. But they rock.)
5. I don't feel lukewarm about people. Ever. People relevant to my life, that is... people living in Azerbaijan don't really spark a response other than "Wow! Like, Azerbaijan!" But people I know, I either love love love love love or I HATE, and there is nothing in between. A couple people hover back and forth between the columns, but there is no neutral ground. I don't like or dislike; if I like you I might as well love you. If I dislike you, I wouldn't care if you fell off a cliff, except maybe to reflect for a moment on the frailty of the mortal condition. This horrid coldness aside, I love far more people than I hate and I love a lot of people other people can't stand. This no-lukewarm-affections thing causes a lot of problems with people's girlfriends. Those girlfriends need to get over it. (Note to world: "love deeply" and "will try to get into the heart and/or pants of" are two different things. Separate them. Philia, agape, yes! Eros, no! For serious.)
6. Jane Eyre is my favorite novel. "Vem Kan Segla" is my favorite song. Jane Eyre is obvious; it's brilliant and complex and addicting. "Vem Kan Segla" is not, but I won't tell you why I love it.
7. I am mostly Mormon, partially agnostic, slightly Buddhist and slightly nature-centric (though not inasfar as it involves mosquitos). I see no discrepancy in any of this and find people resolutely committed to one belief system to be a little bit frightening. I am mostly Mormon because Mormonism makes a crazy amount of sense (seriously, study it; it's brilliant), agnostic because I don't think you can really know no matter how much you believe, Buddhist because Buddhism produces the results I expect from other faiths, and nature-centric because there's nothing that stirs my blood quite as much as doing dances to the sun gods.
8. I have very screwed-up views/feelings regarding men. This is odd, because my dad is an amazing guy who I respect enormously, I have pretty cool granddads, I like all of my uncles and a ton of my cousins are exactly what I think men should be. Tracing back, however, I can also point the blame to a few verifiable creeps the women in my family have dated or been married to (all divorced now, huzzah!) and a few verifiable creeps I have dated. (I attract creeps. It's uncanny. And I don't know how I'm doing it.) It's a horrible continuing cycle and I'm trying to overcome it, but it's a constant challenge.
9. I rarely notice how I'm feeling emotionally until I have physical symptoms. I'll be feeling great about how well I'm handling a stressful situation, and then in a calm moment, I'll have a panic attack (which, by the way, suck). Or I'll think I'm coping pretty well and then I'll start gaining weight, which is a signal that something's not right (normally it's like, "Hm. I think losing an inch might be nice" and it's gone the next morning. Yes, I realize how fantastic that is). Or I'll rise to an occasion and then the second the weekend hits I'm in bed with the flu. And then, when that happens, I'll go, "Oh. You know, I was kinda stressed about that one thing." I've been working on this the past year, and though now I can tell you how I'm feeling most of the time, I still get the physical symptoms if I don't nip stuff in the bud. It's half awful and half convenient.
10. I am basically a secure person. I have no body image issues. I know you don't believe that, but seriously, my biggest thing is the fact that I don't like how dry my cuticles get in the winter. I know I'm smart, I know I'm socially awkward sometimes but most of the people I really like are socially awkward so I don't care, I know I can fake poise when I need to, I know I'm a thinker, I know I have faults but I'm okay with most of them, I know I can be sexy when I want to (though I usually don't), I know a lot of people who love me, I know I'm capable of a lot, I know I'm creative and I know that I've got a bright future. This doesn't mean I don't have insecurities. My gut twists up in knots when people read my creative writing (Little Princess about killed me) and I rarely tell people about things that matter deeply to me emotionally (see "Vem Kan Segla" above). But other than that... it's all good. I know I'm cool, I know you're cool... so why is half the world spending their lives talking down on themselves?
11. The "I rarely tell people about things that matter deeply to me emotionally" thing above is because I know you won't get it. Usually whenever I try to open up about stuff that means a lot to me with other people, they don't get it. Either don't understand it or they don't appreciate it, and you have to do both. I'd rather keep it all to myself forever than try and share it with someone who doesn't understand how sparkling and magical it is, because holding it to the light in a bad environment is like trying to keep something precious out in the elements. It won't stay beautiful if it's exposed. I don't mean this as a value judgment or condemnation --- we all have different perspectives and what is holding my world down could mean nothing to you. But unless it will, I'd rather just keep it to myself.
12. I hate it when people invade my space. People dropping by without calling once in a while is cool, whatever, but people who consistently do this who aren't close friends tick me off. (Which means this will be irrelevant to most of the people reading this blog.) People who touch my computer tick me off. People who ask to borrow my pens... I hate people who borrow my pens. (Does no one but me get how personal pens are? They're like... familiars.) I hate it when people pry about personal subjects, even if they're coming from an understanding standpoint. (Prying and asking are two different things. Asking is okay. Asking after I've said no or throwing labels like "good" or "bad" or "appropriate" at me is not.)
13. "Appropriate" is my least favorite word in the English language. It's usually tossed around by people who are so scared of being inappropriate that they feel the need to shut down everyone around them. Those people can go jump off a cliff. (Please see 5.) Unfortunately, I'm occasionally one of them. (Not quite Emerson yet. But someday...)
14. If I don't write a lot, my brain gets clogged and my brain stops being awesome. Not necessarily even creative writing or journaling. It can be writing the same word on a page over and over, or song lyrics. But I have to write something every day.
15. I get a huge kick out of being professional. I really love being cool and professional with difficult people, and rising to the occasion miraculously for customers and going the extra mile for people. I also love being calm in a crisis and handling insane situations like they're nothing. It's such a rush. Probably a power rush, which makes the motive less than pure... but everyone benefits, so I don't really care.
16. I. Miss. The. Ocean. So much. I love huge scenery, not because I want to conquer it (I know that a lot of people get a thrill from that, but I have zero desire to defy nature or my own physical limits... it's cool and all but it doesn't nourish me) but because I love to sit and be aware of its supremacy. And the ocean is the hugest scenery there is, and it's always moving and it's a mystery and it's powerful and I know I'm nothing up against it. I love that, maybe because I feel like such a match for everything else in life.
And... I'm really just rambling here... there's a lot more but you're probably bored (or didn't get this far). People are essentially self-centered, which is why it kinda surprised me that anyone cared how well they knew me at all. Again, I don't mean that as condemnation; it's just the way we're wired, and it's cool. It's human. I like human.
First, I heard through a reliable grapevine that someone I know had said that they know me "maybe a little too well." This was surprising, as I don't feel they know me particularly well; I don't think I've ever even had a truly honest/vulnerable discussion with them. (We won't go into the concept of knowing a person "too well" right now. I find it cynical.) Second, through another reliable grapevine source (what's that, a grape?) I was told that a close friend said they feel like they don't know anything about me. It was surprising at first, but really, I get it. I totally get it.
It may not be apparent through this blog, but in real life, I don't talk a lot about myself. I'm not a total recluse, of course. I converse, I express opinions, I hug people absurdly much. But I don't talk about me. I click "Don't Post" when I take Facebook quizzes because I don't want to clutter up anyone's Wall and I feel obnoxious when I start saying things like, "I'm the kind of person that [whatever]," because it's a freaking verbal tic for some people. And I'm not especially predictable. (By which I mean I'm weird, dudes. One of my most cherished dreams is to attend a Star Trek convention in totally screen-accurate clothing, I get legitimately depressed when I don't have a cat and I think the thing where you can measure the distance you've walked in terms of Middle Earth is brilliant.)
What with one thing and another, I guess this has led to odd conceptions about me.
So here it is. This is stuff you might not know that you should. It won't be comprehensive and it may be spastic, because this is hard for me to explain... I'm acutely self-aware and wordy, so me explaining me is kind of like an engineering genius trying to explain some basic principle. It just gets awkward. And really, how much can you learn from a "Tell me about yourself"? Does anyone know how to answer that?
1. I am deeply codependent. While I mostly consider myself an independent, self-sufficient woman, I would not be okay without my best friend and parents. My best friend is currently on a mission and I have been kind of turning into jelly without her. I honestly don't know what to do with myself now that she's not with me all the time. Seriously. It's freaking me out. And though I can function without my parents (they did their jobs well), I'd rather not. They're ridiculously cool people and I'd feel like less of myself if they weren't around.
2. On a similar note, my parents are one of my top priorities in life. Granted, they're not perfect and they've done some stuff I disagree with, but ultimately, they're number one. I may be playing number one right now, begging them for money and calling every five minutes with some question I should know the answer to, and I'll eventually move away and create my own life... but if something comes up, they're the most important.
3. My long-term relationship deal breakers are: 1) Cat allergies/hatred, 2) Willingness to live near my family when we have kids, 3) Understanding of marriage as a fluid, egalitarian partnership that requires extensive adaptation, 4) Interest in things other than me. (I am not a romantic and I don't want to marry one.) Most important personality traits are confidence (confidence! confidence! confidence! not arrogance!), humor (in terms of both "sense of humor" and "good humor"), intelligence/education (both required) and honesty (probably not radical honesty, but I want to be able to go, "Wow, that woman has gorgeous legs" and him to go, "Yeah, doesn't she?").
4. This may be a shock, but I do have "a relationship" on my mental horizons. However, between you and me, it's going to be a long time coming. I just don't have time or patience for meeting and flirting and dating and trying to navigate all that crap right now. Actually, I probably won't ever have time for it. If there is a great guy for me, we're either going to have to fall into a very natural, confident friendship that can develop from there or God's going to have to drop him on my head like a piano. I don't believe in dating: it sets up all sorts of ridiculous expectations and societal norms and standards when really, I just want to dive into getting to know someone who strikes me as outrageously cool, and if we end up making out later, well, didn't that work out nicely? And it's incredibly hard to find a guy I'm into. But yeah, like everyone else, I daydream about finding Mr. Awesome and making gorgeous babies together and living in a farmhouse with an orchard out back and home schooling my kids and raising frogs just for kicks and having about a thousand cats and dogs in the barn and the wickedest tree house ever and a gargantuan library all less than an hour's drive from a large city. (Okay, so maybe my daydreams aren't quite like everyone else's. But they rock.)
5. I don't feel lukewarm about people. Ever. People relevant to my life, that is... people living in Azerbaijan don't really spark a response other than "Wow! Like, Azerbaijan!" But people I know, I either love love love love love or I HATE, and there is nothing in between. A couple people hover back and forth between the columns, but there is no neutral ground. I don't like or dislike; if I like you I might as well love you. If I dislike you, I wouldn't care if you fell off a cliff, except maybe to reflect for a moment on the frailty of the mortal condition. This horrid coldness aside, I love far more people than I hate and I love a lot of people other people can't stand. This no-lukewarm-affections thing causes a lot of problems with people's girlfriends. Those girlfriends need to get over it. (Note to world: "love deeply" and "will try to get into the heart and/or pants of" are two different things. Separate them. Philia, agape, yes! Eros, no! For serious.)
6. Jane Eyre is my favorite novel. "Vem Kan Segla" is my favorite song. Jane Eyre is obvious; it's brilliant and complex and addicting. "Vem Kan Segla" is not, but I won't tell you why I love it.
7. I am mostly Mormon, partially agnostic, slightly Buddhist and slightly nature-centric (though not inasfar as it involves mosquitos). I see no discrepancy in any of this and find people resolutely committed to one belief system to be a little bit frightening. I am mostly Mormon because Mormonism makes a crazy amount of sense (seriously, study it; it's brilliant), agnostic because I don't think you can really know no matter how much you believe, Buddhist because Buddhism produces the results I expect from other faiths, and nature-centric because there's nothing that stirs my blood quite as much as doing dances to the sun gods.
8. I have very screwed-up views/feelings regarding men. This is odd, because my dad is an amazing guy who I respect enormously, I have pretty cool granddads, I like all of my uncles and a ton of my cousins are exactly what I think men should be. Tracing back, however, I can also point the blame to a few verifiable creeps the women in my family have dated or been married to (all divorced now, huzzah!) and a few verifiable creeps I have dated. (I attract creeps. It's uncanny. And I don't know how I'm doing it.) It's a horrible continuing cycle and I'm trying to overcome it, but it's a constant challenge.
9. I rarely notice how I'm feeling emotionally until I have physical symptoms. I'll be feeling great about how well I'm handling a stressful situation, and then in a calm moment, I'll have a panic attack (which, by the way, suck). Or I'll think I'm coping pretty well and then I'll start gaining weight, which is a signal that something's not right (normally it's like, "Hm. I think losing an inch might be nice" and it's gone the next morning. Yes, I realize how fantastic that is). Or I'll rise to an occasion and then the second the weekend hits I'm in bed with the flu. And then, when that happens, I'll go, "Oh. You know, I was kinda stressed about that one thing." I've been working on this the past year, and though now I can tell you how I'm feeling most of the time, I still get the physical symptoms if I don't nip stuff in the bud. It's half awful and half convenient.
10. I am basically a secure person. I have no body image issues. I know you don't believe that, but seriously, my biggest thing is the fact that I don't like how dry my cuticles get in the winter. I know I'm smart, I know I'm socially awkward sometimes but most of the people I really like are socially awkward so I don't care, I know I can fake poise when I need to, I know I'm a thinker, I know I have faults but I'm okay with most of them, I know I can be sexy when I want to (though I usually don't), I know a lot of people who love me, I know I'm capable of a lot, I know I'm creative and I know that I've got a bright future. This doesn't mean I don't have insecurities. My gut twists up in knots when people read my creative writing (Little Princess about killed me) and I rarely tell people about things that matter deeply to me emotionally (see "Vem Kan Segla" above). But other than that... it's all good. I know I'm cool, I know you're cool... so why is half the world spending their lives talking down on themselves?
11. The "I rarely tell people about things that matter deeply to me emotionally" thing above is because I know you won't get it. Usually whenever I try to open up about stuff that means a lot to me with other people, they don't get it. Either don't understand it or they don't appreciate it, and you have to do both. I'd rather keep it all to myself forever than try and share it with someone who doesn't understand how sparkling and magical it is, because holding it to the light in a bad environment is like trying to keep something precious out in the elements. It won't stay beautiful if it's exposed. I don't mean this as a value judgment or condemnation --- we all have different perspectives and what is holding my world down could mean nothing to you. But unless it will, I'd rather just keep it to myself.
12. I hate it when people invade my space. People dropping by without calling once in a while is cool, whatever, but people who consistently do this who aren't close friends tick me off. (Which means this will be irrelevant to most of the people reading this blog.) People who touch my computer tick me off. People who ask to borrow my pens... I hate people who borrow my pens. (Does no one but me get how personal pens are? They're like... familiars.) I hate it when people pry about personal subjects, even if they're coming from an understanding standpoint. (Prying and asking are two different things. Asking is okay. Asking after I've said no or throwing labels like "good" or "bad" or "appropriate" at me is not.)
13. "Appropriate" is my least favorite word in the English language. It's usually tossed around by people who are so scared of being inappropriate that they feel the need to shut down everyone around them. Those people can go jump off a cliff. (Please see 5.) Unfortunately, I'm occasionally one of them. (Not quite Emerson yet. But someday...)
14. If I don't write a lot, my brain gets clogged and my brain stops being awesome. Not necessarily even creative writing or journaling. It can be writing the same word on a page over and over, or song lyrics. But I have to write something every day.
15. I get a huge kick out of being professional. I really love being cool and professional with difficult people, and rising to the occasion miraculously for customers and going the extra mile for people. I also love being calm in a crisis and handling insane situations like they're nothing. It's such a rush. Probably a power rush, which makes the motive less than pure... but everyone benefits, so I don't really care.
16. I. Miss. The. Ocean. So much. I love huge scenery, not because I want to conquer it (I know that a lot of people get a thrill from that, but I have zero desire to defy nature or my own physical limits... it's cool and all but it doesn't nourish me) but because I love to sit and be aware of its supremacy. And the ocean is the hugest scenery there is, and it's always moving and it's a mystery and it's powerful and I know I'm nothing up against it. I love that, maybe because I feel like such a match for everything else in life.
And... I'm really just rambling here... there's a lot more but you're probably bored (or didn't get this far). People are essentially self-centered, which is why it kinda surprised me that anyone cared how well they knew me at all. Again, I don't mean that as condemnation; it's just the way we're wired, and it's cool. It's human. I like human.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Broadcasting Goals
Just read an article titled "Broadcast Your Desires" on www.StevePavlina.com (great site full of thought-provoking articles; I'm not much into his latest D/s kick mostly 'cause it's irrelevant to my life, but he approaches even that from a unique vantage point) and it got me to thinking.
My desires, for real:
1. I want a cuddle buddy. Not a boyfriend, not a playmate. Just an interesting male friend whose company and cuddling I enjoy. I used to have a few but they've all run off on me or vice versa. This does not mean dating. I don't enjoy "dating" in the traditional sense: it's awkward, sets both people up for failure and is not exactly an environment to foster honesty or realistic expectations. I want something casual and mostly non-sexual that functions on a basis of friendship and total honesty. If it turns into something more, cool. If not, cool.
2. I want to become more feminine in a balanced way. This doesn't mean I want to become all passive or turn into some 50s ideal of domesticity; I want to be able to change my own oil, unclog my own drains, and let my own non-poisonous spiders outside (no point smashing something that's not a threat). But I would like to be more gentle, more accepting of chivalry, kinder, more loving and less cynical. I'm kind of a hard, prickly thing right now in too many areas of life, not just the ones where hard prickles are advantageous.
3. I want friends. Real friends, the kind I have back home, only I want them here. Unique, original people who think and live deeply, whatever that means to them, who draw their own conclusions about life and who pursue their interests rather than just thinking or talking about them. I've had a hard time finding them in here (total count: 4, all female, over a considerable timespan) but I suspect there are more out there.
4. On that note, I want to GET OUT OF REXBURG, either permanently or in the form of frequent trips to soul-enriching places or events. There is very little about this town that speaks to me. I don't like the religiosity, conservative attitudes, size or rurality. (Not to be entirely negative, I do like the fact that it's so close to natural parks and beautiful scenery and I love my job.) I want to get out to somewhere bigger, more colorful and more alternative. Somewhere focused on the arts. Somewhere full of passionate people. Somewhere like Burning Man.
5. I want a freaking amazing internship. I'm thinking something with a YA publishing house (ideally HarperTeen, though a smaller house/imprint might be preferable), Jim Henson Studios, The Office of Letters and Light or the SCBWI. I want this internship to be well paid and high on the responsibility/experience and positivity scales.
6. I want to be on fire about my life again.
My desires, for real:
1. I want a cuddle buddy. Not a boyfriend, not a playmate. Just an interesting male friend whose company and cuddling I enjoy. I used to have a few but they've all run off on me or vice versa. This does not mean dating. I don't enjoy "dating" in the traditional sense: it's awkward, sets both people up for failure and is not exactly an environment to foster honesty or realistic expectations. I want something casual and mostly non-sexual that functions on a basis of friendship and total honesty. If it turns into something more, cool. If not, cool.
2. I want to become more feminine in a balanced way. This doesn't mean I want to become all passive or turn into some 50s ideal of domesticity; I want to be able to change my own oil, unclog my own drains, and let my own non-poisonous spiders outside (no point smashing something that's not a threat). But I would like to be more gentle, more accepting of chivalry, kinder, more loving and less cynical. I'm kind of a hard, prickly thing right now in too many areas of life, not just the ones where hard prickles are advantageous.
3. I want friends. Real friends, the kind I have back home, only I want them here. Unique, original people who think and live deeply, whatever that means to them, who draw their own conclusions about life and who pursue their interests rather than just thinking or talking about them. I've had a hard time finding them in here (total count: 4, all female, over a considerable timespan) but I suspect there are more out there.
4. On that note, I want to GET OUT OF REXBURG, either permanently or in the form of frequent trips to soul-enriching places or events. There is very little about this town that speaks to me. I don't like the religiosity, conservative attitudes, size or rurality. (Not to be entirely negative, I do like the fact that it's so close to natural parks and beautiful scenery and I love my job.) I want to get out to somewhere bigger, more colorful and more alternative. Somewhere focused on the arts. Somewhere full of passionate people. Somewhere like Burning Man.
5. I want a freaking amazing internship. I'm thinking something with a YA publishing house (ideally HarperTeen, though a smaller house/imprint might be preferable), Jim Henson Studios, The Office of Letters and Light or the SCBWI. I want this internship to be well paid and high on the responsibility/experience and positivity scales.
6. I want to be on fire about my life again.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Observations on a technological disaster
I got home from school yesterday and opened my computer. It started to load then came up with this screen that was all fuzzy black and white striped static, kinda like what would happen if Calvin Klein were in charge of analog TV static.
1. Law of Attraction
Do you know why this happened? This happened because I think netbooks are cute.
Gah.
I've been seeing them around and really wanting one, and going, "You know, my computer is old and slow... if it broke, I'd be able to get one." This didn't necessarily mean that I wanted my computer to break. I wanted a netbook as an extra. But the universe took exactly what I intended and started making it happen. Fortunately I was able to finagle in the situation so I don't have to get one just yet... but it's in the future. This time, though, I want a netbook and a laptop. And I want that laptop to be a MacBook Pro. *happy sigh*
2. Meditation
Meditation totally works. Some of our homework for my World Religions class was on meditation (I think it was Yongey Mingur Rinpoche, a guru whose book I love love love love love) and either the reading or the professor was talking about how this guru had major anxiety as a child. He overcame it through meditation. Basically, he meditated so much in times of stress that when he got stressed, a meditative state was his instinctual reaction. And that's exactly what happened with me. The computer spazzed, and I got suddenly very calm and removed and conscious of the fact that it didn't really matter from a cosmic perspective.
Naturally that only lasted so long and I called my mother later to cry and moan, but weirdly, I then got calm again... for the most part, I felt unusually okay through the whole thing. Was tres cool.
3. Back up your data
Most of mine was backed up, so it wasn't a crisis. If I'd actually lost all those novels and essays and resumes and mp3s etc. etc. etc. this story would have moved up considerably on the Crisis Richter Scale. Just having to worry about backing it up, the extra time involved in locating CDs/thumb drives or an external hard drive and worrying about whether the data would be in one piece would have been hugely stressful. As it was, I went, "MY CAT PICTURES! ...... Okay, wipe it," and all was well with the world.
Backing up your data is kind of like colonoscopies and prostate exams: everyone says you need to do it already, and they're totally right. It's pretty easy, too... a thumb drive or two can hold an awful lot, and there are plenty of online storage sites out there. For the sake of your mental health, just do it.
Photo symbolizing electrical crises by moonsheep. Isn't it gorgeous?
So that sucked.
I restarted. New static, this time colored and boldly striped. Tried again and it was colored static only little and random. Not good, eh?
I did a System Restore, which made the problem worse, and then took it to the campus computer help desk. Lo and behold, my hard drive had well and truly crashed. Faced with the prospect of finding enough CDs or thumb drives to store all my information, I said, "Let it go" (okay, I wasn't so Zen... I said "Screw it" first) and let my data be lost before they reinstalled Windows. (Not a huge loss --- it meant the deletion of a novel I didn't finish and didn't much like, my updated resume which can be easily re-updated, and pictures of my cat. Actually kinda heartbroken about that.)
Anyway, I actually learned some useful crap from this experience. See below:
1. Law of Attraction
Do you know why this happened? This happened because I think netbooks are cute.
Gah.
I've been seeing them around and really wanting one, and going, "You know, my computer is old and slow... if it broke, I'd be able to get one." This didn't necessarily mean that I wanted my computer to break. I wanted a netbook as an extra. But the universe took exactly what I intended and started making it happen. Fortunately I was able to finagle in the situation so I don't have to get one just yet... but it's in the future. This time, though, I want a netbook and a laptop. And I want that laptop to be a MacBook Pro. *happy sigh*
2. Meditation
Meditation totally works. Some of our homework for my World Religions class was on meditation (I think it was Yongey Mingur Rinpoche, a guru whose book I love love love love love) and either the reading or the professor was talking about how this guru had major anxiety as a child. He overcame it through meditation. Basically, he meditated so much in times of stress that when he got stressed, a meditative state was his instinctual reaction. And that's exactly what happened with me. The computer spazzed, and I got suddenly very calm and removed and conscious of the fact that it didn't really matter from a cosmic perspective.
Naturally that only lasted so long and I called my mother later to cry and moan, but weirdly, I then got calm again... for the most part, I felt unusually okay through the whole thing. Was tres cool.
3. Back up your data
Most of mine was backed up, so it wasn't a crisis. If I'd actually lost all those novels and essays and resumes and mp3s etc. etc. etc. this story would have moved up considerably on the Crisis Richter Scale. Just having to worry about backing it up, the extra time involved in locating CDs/thumb drives or an external hard drive and worrying about whether the data would be in one piece would have been hugely stressful. As it was, I went, "MY CAT PICTURES! ...... Okay, wipe it," and all was well with the world.
Backing up your data is kind of like colonoscopies and prostate exams: everyone says you need to do it already, and they're totally right. It's pretty easy, too... a thumb drive or two can hold an awful lot, and there are plenty of online storage sites out there. For the sake of your mental health, just do it.
Photo symbolizing electrical crises by moonsheep. Isn't it gorgeous?
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