Oh, Yentl - #17

So... I was looking at all my old posts and realized that I'd never published this, even though I finished it in June.


Oops.


So here's the original experiment. It may or may not be worth mentioning that I started dating this really great guy the next month. I've mostly given up on the girliness thing since, mostly because I'm on the cusp of one of those self-reinvention periods and jeans and T-shirts are the only thing that feel good right now... but at least I know I can do it if I need to, you know?

**************************

Screen shot of Yentl.

There's this theme in Yentl (which is totally worth a watch, if only because Mandy Patinkin is awesome) that I find myself playing out time and time again: I look at all these gorgeous, sexy, intelligent, soft, nurturing women and go, "Well, who wouldn't want a wife? I do. Women are amazing." Then I realize, "Oh yeah. I've got what they've got. Doh."

Main difference: I'm don't capitalize on my assets.

I mean, I've got a lot going for me, biologically speaking:

1. Long, gorgeous hair. I keep it up in a bun or ponytail most of the time.
2. A body that can pull off almost anything. I wear outdated shirts and jeans I've had since I was 16.
3. Amazing legs. The skin's kind of funny but I still like to sit and admire them sometimes.
4. Gracefulness, or so I infer from all the "you look like a ballerina" comments. I slouch under heavy bookbags and lumpy sweaters.
5. A facade of innocence, which combined with the sexiness, could be powerhouse.
6. Intelligence. This is the one thing I don't ignore/downplay.
7. A certain womanly disposition toward nurturing and being domestic. I'm usually too tired to do this, and don't have anyone on which to conveniently lavish my affections.

Another main liability when it comes to being one of those girls who looks like they've got it all figured out: I get really anxious around people. I'm... not shy, exactly. I just don't like it when people pay attention to me, because I'm never sure what they're thinking and I'm... insecure? Something like that. (Only when I'm around people. On my own and among confirmed friends my confidence levels are securely at above-rooftop levels.)

So this project is an attempt to capture the girliness and... well, shallowness, for lack of a better word... of all those gorgeous girls I see walking around. I probably won't go all the way with that (saving that for another, bigger experiment for when I'm not taking 21 credits), but it'll be a toe in the water.

*********

Format: One-week experiment

Goal: Do one thing every day to embrace girly side.

Goal met? Yup-yup.

So here's what happened:

June 7: Wore hair down. Took a long lazy bath at one in the morning (when I can stay in as long as I want 'cause roommates are asleep) with bubbles and goat milk soap and stuff. My legs are smooth and I feel very luxurious.

June 8: Nail polish! I'd actually been wearing it since this experiment, and stopped for a few days because I was just too busy. As soon as I stopped, my nails started cracking and I started picking at them and biting them again. Bad habit. Colorful nails tend to remind/motivate me to not pick or nibble, and also remind me to moisturize before bed... So I'm hoping that by next week I'll see some minor difference in my hands. I should mention that the polish looks like crap because I was in a hurry. But hey, effort: made.

No, these aren't my nails. They are pretty cool, though.
Photo by dreamglowpumpkincat210.

June 9: Hair down. I never wear my hair down--largely because some people tend to become absolutely fixated on my hair, which is awkward--but the thing is, when it's down I feel like someone awesome from a Juliet Marillier novel. My hair feels like a cape when it's loose and flowing all over my shoulders, and while it's not exactly fashionable and sometimes is way too much... it's also pretty awesome.

June 10: I put on makeup. By "makeup" I should explain that this means "eyeliner, mascara, lip gloss, and a tiny bit of brown eye shadow." This is a very big deal. The inclusion of the eye shadow alone is sort of remarkable. I don't really do makeup... But I look amazing with it on. I can't say that it really affects the way I feel--once it's on I forget about it until I rub my eyes and smear it all over--but every time I looked in the mirror I did an appreciative double-take.

June 11: Today, I frolicked. I didn't do anything remotely "feminine" as such... but I spent the day in the most gorgeous place on earth, which includes my favorite meadow (I have a favorite meadow). That was enough to make me feel all kinds of jubalicious. So... setting is important. So is wearing flowers in your hair and lying around in long grasses for hours and hours. :)

June 12: Hair down again. And walked around barefoot. I forget how important being barefoot is to my overall feeling of womanliness. Heels make me feel distinctly feminine and powerful, but bare feet make me feel magical.

June 13: My nails are black. I bought black polish because it was the color most likely to match stuff out of my options, but I wasn't sure if I'd like wearing it or if I'd just feel like some high school emo-goth. Turns out that I love it... It looks like my fingers are covered in shiny ink! Oh, and yes, my hands are looking much better in terms of moisture/general maintenance. I'm wearing earrings today too, and rings. Starting to get a little extreme here...

June 14: Today, I wore jeans and a badly-fitting university T-shirt. And I felt like a sexy, sexy woman. Go figure.

Conclusions:

I'm more chill with walking like a woman. I'm starting to stand straight when I walk and relax into a slouch when I'm sitting, which is the exact opposite of how things normally go.

Now Audrey did womanly right. Also: cat!
Photo by pwbaker.

I feel so self-absorbed with this experiment, like all the above updates are all, "Look, I'm so hot. Look at me, aren't I pretty? Look how pretty I am?" Gag. But my yang and yin sides have started to point at each other and yammer in my head, and they're kind of enthusiastic about this mutual appreciation society. So yeah. I'm gorgeous. (So are you, dear reader.)

So... I'm gonna call this one a success.

Try this:
If you're like me and are naturally awful at being womanly, imitation is your best friend. Pick one of those girly girls, pinpoint one thing they're doing right, and try it on. (Just one, ya'll. More than that and you'll start to feel insecure and not like yourself. Ease into this one.)

If you aren't like me and are naturally girly and cute... Well, more power to you. Carry on. :)

Coming Soon: Ground and Center. Probably.

Why Porn Makes Me Feel Ugly

This is another off-topic post, but I had an insight onto the subject of pornography and women's body image that I thought was worth sharing.

A friend posted a link on Facebook to this NYmag.com article on computer-generated lingerie models (NSFW, obviously), and an inevitable long discussion ensued. It ended up focusing on the question of why women have such bad body image.

A guy on the thread suggested that porn is to blame. People obviously disagreed and the conversation is still probably meandering through the happy realms of hyperbole and over-insistence it was in when I left. In the middle of it, though, I stumbled on a fascinating insight.

Photo by striatic

I've dated several guys with porn issues and several guys without porn issues ("issues" here described as "excessive use," "use that makes them feel guilty," and/or "use to the exclusion of real-life sexual encounters"). Over the past few years, I've discovered that I can always tell when a guy I'm dating or friends with watches a fair bit of pornography, because after I'm around him for a while, I start to feel anywhere between objectified and flat-up ugly and undesirable. (This isn't the only tip-off, but it's a major one.)

Usually, I can't pinpoint exactly why at first. Inevitably, however, it boils down to the guy in question treating me like an object or a pet. Examples: We'll be kissing and he'll say something like, "Yeah, do you like that?" in a weird, overconfident voice you'd normally reserve for a cat; or he'll start to make offhand remarks about my body; or he'll string me along through literally dozens of vaguely sexual text messages in a way strongly reminiscent of e-maintaining. Guys who don't watch a fair bit of porn just don't do stuff like that.

The point is: Guys who have porn issues treat me like an object or pet, not like a woman.

Any time I'm viewed as an object, my sense of worth as a human being goes down. When my self-worth goes down, I try to regain it, and I crave approval from the guy who made me feel like crap in the first place. (The thinking is something like, "Well, if he can like me, then anyone can like me." Yeah, it's dumb, but I do it.) And to get his approval back, I usually try to become more desirable, which means more sexy, more pretty, more seductive, more like the girls in the porn that turns him on. (And that is often the only thing that turns him on, as this great Psychology Today article discusses.)

Photo by Abugayle Smythe Photography.
(Guys, Abby is the bomb. Seriously.)
Forgive the glamour shot, but I'd like
to make the point that porn should not have
the power to make me feel ugly.
But... well, it does.

Porn has been around since the dawn of human history, but girlie mags, pinups, erotic art, etc. etc. don't have the same impact that Internet pornography does. Internet porn allows guys to search for exactly what turns them on. It allows them to fast-forward to the sexiest bits. It allows them to see hundreds of examples of women who are exactly what their fantasies are made of.

I can't compete with that.

This isn't just a relationships thing. I've had this experience of feeling ugly and inadequate when I'm dealing with friends who have porn problems. It's just compounded when I'm in a relationship, and I can only imagine its impact in the context of a marriage.

Despite our culture's insistence that "porn is bad" and my church's overwhelming insistence that "porn is bad bad bad evil evil will eat your children BAD PORN," I've always had an open mind on the subject. I imagine porn has its time and its place... but it has a tendency to encourage the idea of women as eager, one-dimensional sexual objects instead of complex sexual humans with feelings and needs. I happen to be the latter, and being grouped in with the former tends to leave me pretty cold.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, except to say that Internet pornography's impact is broader than we think and affects women in more ways than we want to admit. I'm interested to see what you all have to say about this... Please leave your comments--I'd love to get a discussion going!

Personal Development Recommended Reading

Found two articles this week that gave me that "zing!" that lets me know I've hit on something truthful. Both beautiful and important... Check them out.

Top Five Regrets of the Dying (Link goes to the cached version; main site seems to be down.)
Lovely, meaningful article that echoes and condenses a lot of the best advice I've ever heard. Lining up quite well with my re-read of Finding Your Own North Star by Martha Beck, which is one of my favorite personal development books. Both worth checking out.


I'm Christian, Unless You're Gay
And this is just flat-up important. And made me cry. And by Dan Pearce, whose blog is awesome. “Oh, but you’re not gay? You’re clean, and well dressed, and you have a job? You look the way I think you should look? You act the way I think you should act? You believe the things I think you should believe? Then I’m definitely a Christian. To you, today, I’m a Christian. You’ve earned it.” I hear that implied statement way too much, and this article does a beautiful job of addressing the problem.

Women's Issues, lol :)

Warning: This post is pretty off-topic for this blog. I was writing a short synthesis for a class (we do these weekly) and discovered, in the middle of writing, that I actually had something to say. I thought it might be of interest to some of my readers, so it's included below

* * * * *

Photo by Nono Fara

While going through the assigned readings for this week, I discovered a small, interesting, and disturbing trend of self-censorship and apology from and in relation to women writers. Donald M. Murray notes in “Teaching the Other Self: The Writer’s First Reader” about “what should be left out [of a piece of writing] as well as what should be put in." Murray was not speaking about women writers, but it made me think of trends from the pieces by Juana de la Cruz and Elizabeth A. Flynn, as well as in recent articles I’ve read in the past week, most notably a Huffington Post article titled “A Message to Women From a Man: You Are Not ‘Crazy’” by Yashir Ali.

Flynn’s article, “Composing as a Woman,” opens with a quote from Adrienne Rich’s “Taking Women Students Seriously.” The very title of her piece suggests that women writers are not, by default, taken seriously, and the quote validates this when it advocates “listening and watching … for silences, the absences, the nameless, the unspoken, the encoded—for there we will find the true knowledge of women." Later, Flynn points out that, though women writers have contributed to the global body of literature from its inception, the academic world has failed to adequately research and analyze the voice and impact of women writers. “Women’s perspectives have been suppressed, silenced, marginalized, written out of what counts as authoritative knowledge,” Flynn says, and adds, “Men become the standard against which women are judged."

Both Rich and Flynn discuss silence as a major theme of women’s rhetoric (particularly Flynn on page 427 of her paper). It appears again in de la Cruz’s “The Poet’s Answer to the Most Illustrious Sister Filotea de la Cruz,” when she explains her discomfort with her written reply, saying, “if I knew all that I ought, I would not so much as write these words. Yet I protest that I do so only to obey you; and with such misgiving that you owe me … for taking up my pen with all this fear." Though hundreds of years have passed between de la Cruz and Flynn’s work, the thread of women feeling the need to censor and silence themselves appears as strong as ever, both in life and in writing.

Though there may be some interaction between the two, evidence appears strong that this authorial silencing is a product of cultural conditioning, not a cause of it. “No wonder some women are unconsciously passive aggressive when expressing anger, sadness, or frustration,” says Ali in his Huffington Post article. “For years, they have been subjected to so much gaslighting [casual invalidating of authentic emotional experiences] that they can no longer express themselves in a way that feels authentic to them."

Photo by Sukanto Debnath

This perspective and belief that women as a collective are still falling short of their potential as writers and rhetoricians strikes many men as absurd and over-reactive. When I bring up women’s issues, my boyfriend—normally an open-minded, thoughtful man—becomes exasperated and doesn’t understand what I’m upset about. Many male bloggers, comedians, and other rhetoricians express confusion at feminist anger and demands to be taken seriously. However, as a woman, I understand what the fuss is about. I’ve been subject to odd double standards when it comes to expectations of intellect and behavior. I’ve made opinionated comments in classes and been met with laugher, raised eyebrows, and sidelong remarks about my femininity or ability to be in a relationship (“Remind me never to date you,” comes to mind), and had, moments later, a man in the same class make an even more assertive comment to be met only with thoughtful agreement or disagreement. I’ve had men make comments to me about women’s rights and chivalry as if the two can’t simultaneously exist in the same world. And because of that, I, too, have automatically learned to censor myself.

I fight the desire to be silent, mentioned by de la Cruz, every time I take up my pen against a controversial issue or disturbing trend. Constantly, as I write about emotionally charged political or social issues, whether for a class or on Facebook, I find myself erasing the most honest sentences and replacing them with watered-down versions laden with smiley faces and LOLs. I don’t do this because I truly feel my opinions are too strong or blunt, but because I know that unless I tone things down, I’m going to be perceived as an aggressive, arrogant, man-hating feminazi (though none of those labels are the truth). Unless I water myself down or present my views in ways that are safe, soft, and feminine, I get lumped into the category of Angry Feminists and any male or co-ed audience I might have had stops listening.

Much like members of the Occupy Wall Street movement, I’ve so far managed to raise an issue without coming up with any solutions. But what can be done? Women have tried to push equality before. Politically, we’ve made progress: women can hold almost any job, frequently out-perform men in universities, and are a world away from 1940 in terms of legally protected equal rights. But when it comes to our opinions, we are still told to be silent and well behaved. We are still not allowed to make controversial statements without being lumped into the Angry Feminist box. We are still treated as if we’re sexually unappealing or unfit to be mothers if we don’t tone down our views to make them soft and palatable.

Photo by pedrosimoes7

“Women’s experience is not entirely a distorted version of male reality, it is not entirely elusive, and it is worthy of recuperation,” Flynn says at the conclusion of her paper. “We must encourage them to become self-consciously aware of what their experience in the world has been and how this experience is related to the politics of gender." In short, we must find a way to validate and encourage the exploration and expression of female experience, regardless of whether it fits our predefined notions of what it means to be a woman. A society where women are allowed to freely and fully share their opinions and experience without having their femininity or intellectual validity challenged is one I’d like to live in, but I’ll be the first to confess that, despite my hopeful ideals, I’m still not sure how to get there.

Yes, And Presents - #16

Format: Minor project, do it till it's done
Goal: Manifest free stuff
Goal met? And how.

So here's what happened...
I was reading this book (The Trick to Money is Having Some) that had been floating around my parents' house for a while. In one of the early chapters, the author talked about how he'd made a deal with the universe: It would provide for him, and he would accept its gifts graciously. He said that after this decision, he started attracting free stuff--not money, but coupons, gifts, etc.

Photo by Terwilliger911

"Ah!" methought. "Good idea." So I did the same thing. It was pretty simple... I just sent out the intention to gather a bunch of little free presents to myself, and promised that I'd be on the lookout and accept whatever was sent.

Within the next three days, I'd found, lying on the ground:

• quite a bit of loose change
• a buy-a-custard-get-free-fries coupon (actually, I found three of these... must have been a big promotion going on)
• a sno cone buy-9-get-the-10th-free punch card, with 9 holes punched out and the 10th just waiting for me (and when I went to get the free cone, I got a buy-one-get-one-free coupon)

After that I sort of went, "Awesome! Thanks!" and forgot about trying to focus on this... but little presents keep coming. It's sweet. Literally, in some cases.

Try this: 
Set out the intention, yaddi-yadda, you've heard all this before if you read this blog.

The trick is to accept whatever comes. As my favorite fairy godmother says, "You're meant to accept it. Graciously." I've noticed that whenever I'm attempting something like this, as soon as I start getting picky and rejecting things that don't line up just right, the nice things just sorta dry up. And as soon as I'm grateful again, they keep piling on.

Of course, you don't have to take whatever comes if you don't quite want it. I like to play "Yes, And" at that point. "Yes, And" is a theatre/improvisation game, where every time someone introduces anything new to the scene, you have to go with it and build on it. Your scene partner says, "Behold! I come in riding on my purple dragon!" and you go, "Yes! And the dragon has a feather duster for a tail!" and start using the tail to sweep the room up, and the next person has to be okay with that and add something to it.

Here's a video demonstrating the game:



Works great with manifestation, too. Get something that's cool but not quite your thing, and emotionally/mentally respond with "Yes! And you know what would be even cooler? This same thing except orange!" And usually the universe will respond. Not necessarily with something orange, but with something just a little better than what you got before. (Despite all those stories you hear about people manifesting ridiculously specific things, I think for the most part that energy responds to your positive or negative energy, not your demands or specifics. But with lots of good stuff coming your way all the time, the universe is bound to hit the nail on the head a fair bit.)

Give this one a try, folks... Super easy and low-committment, and very rewarding if you tend to be easily pleased. :)

Coming Soon...
Eh, I dunno. Something cool.

Update!

Hi, friends. I'm back, after a long hiatus. I shan't bore you with excuses.

This is one of my happy places. It has nothing to
do with anything, which seemed like good enough
reason to put it here.

Quick updates on life and personal development: 

1. The rice... get this... still looks like it does in the last update. I find this totally crazy and awesome and get a huge kick out of walking by the rice and seeing it just like it was months ago. So cool. Our thoughts are powerful.

2. I have a boyfriend. (I know. Weird.) He's amazing. Like, really, very, incredibly, wonderfully amazing. I don't know if it'll last (major differences in beliefs and me being looney tunes and all that), but either way, it's been a beautiful experience and has taught me a lot. More than I wanted to be taught in some cases... but I think that's what I'm secretly after. And anyway, it's all worth it if it means having him in my life. Not to get sappy or anything. (If this does look like it's going to last a while, I'll definitely be doing some bloggy experiments dealing with the relationship. Not on him, of course -- I try to keep my guinea pigging to myself -- but on me and all my weird, irrational views regarding commitment and relationships. Because, seriously, they're messed up.)

Midsommer pic! Best day of the year... And one of many
reasons I've been so royally failing to update.  Totally worth it. ;)

3. I'm graduating college in about two months. The only way I can think of to sum that up is !!!!!!!!!!!?! !!!!!!!!! !!!! !! ?!?!?!?!!!!!!! !!!!!!!! ??? ....... !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not sure if I'm more excited, scared, or relieved at the prospect, but my feelings are full of a lot of unnecessary punctuation. I have no idea what's coming next but it's going to be great.

4. This whole being-an-official-grownup-in-two-months thing has done a serious number on my optimism and ambition. I've gotten all stressed about paying bills and making wise career choices and stuff. What is that? Time to recapture that beautiful bubble where the universe takes care of me. Stay tuned for updates.

The BIG Secret No One Wants To Tell

I watched this video a few days ago. I posted it on Facebook and on an online forum I've been participating in. The response was enormous. Several people told me that the video threw them for a loop. The people on the forum got into one of the most personal discussions about depression and suicide I've seen there. A friend sent the video to her sister, who's been going through some crazy stuff. Another friend said it made her cry. It emboldened me to really consider whether telling my secret will be worth it. And it's worth taking 20 minutes out of your schedule to watch all the way--promise. Like TED says, this is an idea worth spreading.

Manifested Destiny - #15

Format: 10-item project
Goal: Manifest stuff
Goal met? Of course. Quite nicely, too.

So here's what happened:I'm doing this because I need a refresher. I need to be reminded that I can manifest stuff, that I do have some control over the events in my life (as well as how I respond to them), and that there is a higher flow to things, even if I've been washed up on the sidelines lately.

Over the course of the next however-many days (starting today, May 29), I will manifest 10 items, which are free to appear to me in any pleasing form.

1. Butterfly: manifested 5/30/11 on a toe ring (see below) while going through old jewelry.
2. Feather: manifested 6/1/11 on the ground and a bunch more later when I saw a molting crow who sat and looked at me for a while. 
3. Watermelon: manifested 5/30/11 in friend's Facebook status: "Nothin like waking up at 3 in the afternoon and eating watermelon for breaky :)" and again on 6/1/11 and 6/2/11 in the grocery store and in a weekly circular. 
4. Elephant: manifested 6/1/1 when I followed a link on one of my favorite forums and saw this listed among the options, and on 6/2/11 when someone played this video in class. 
5. Tiger: manifested 6/5/11 in a conversation with my rockin' brother. 
6. Exotic fruit: manifested 5/31/11 when a bunch of mangoes like I've never seen showed up in my Bountiful Basket. 
7. Motorcycle: manifested 6/1/11 when I crossed between two motorcycles in a crosswalk. 
8. Clown: manifested 6/3/11 at this completely awesome website. This one's a scary clown, which is a shame (I love clowns) but the website itself... that guy is my hero. Interestingly, I manifested two circus references before the clown showed up. 
9. Italy: manifested 6/2/11 in the form of an article request on Italian culture. 
10. Toe ring: manifested 5/30/11 while going through old jewelry (which I did after I consciously forgot this was on my list). Especially odd becuase I thought I'd lost it, and because it was given to me by a friend who is into manifesting and Law of Attraction. 

June 4
It's been less than a week, and I've manifested 9 out of 10 things on this list. Some were easier than others--butterflies and watermelon are stalking me now--but others were harder.

The clown's been difficult because I mentally stipulated that it would only make the list if I didn't actively go after it, so, despite lots of exposure to clowns and Cirque du Soleil (I'm obsessed with the music from Alegria right now), I only counted it when it showed up on its own.

The tiger remains elusive, and I suspect this is because I have a definite block there. The tiger is a symbol for a situation that I feel conflicted about right now, and I think that sense of conflict is keeping it from me. On that note, the clown was representative of a situation I was indecisive about, if not conflicted. So... indecision is a small block and ambivalence is a large one? Very enlightening development, this.

June 5
Tiger appeared! My brother mentioned one twice in a conversation with my roommate and I. This was cool, because 1) my brother is awesome, 2) my roommate is awesome, and 3) they're both very honest, chill people, which is exactly the vibe I need when it comes to the symbolic tiger situation.

Booyah.

Try this:Set the intention to manifest something small. It helps if it's something you feel positively or neutral about, with no traces of anxiety. Common, simple objects are best--consider a feather, a red door, a small white dog, etc. Decide that it will appear in your life in some form (or politely ask the universe to provide it for you) and then sit back and wait until the object shows up.

This exercise is simple, but it's great at reminding you of the power of the law of attraction and/or your own subconscious (however you personally believe this works).

Coming Soon...

I have no idea.

In Other News... People are terribly nice. :)

In Other Other News: Rawr.

Photos by linh.ngân, Claudio Gennari ..."Cogli l'attimo ferma il tempo", and Pink Sherbet Photography.

Dontcha Wish Your Girlfriend... - #14

Format: 21-day project
Goal: Relate to myself like I would to someone I was in a good relationship with for 21 days.
Goal met? And how.

So here's what happened:I went to get lunch today on campus because I wasn't going to have time to go home between classes/meetings, and I've been skipping meals too much lately. Immediate panic attack: I don't believe in spending money if I can get something cheaper-better elsewhere. But I put my foot down (yes, with myself) and just bought the stupid pizza slice.

Then I saw a girl standing across the checkout from me with two takeout boxes, the other one presumably for a friend/boyfriend/husband. And I realized: If I'd been getting lunch for someone else I cared about, I wouldn't have cared about the cost or value. I'd have just done it and been happy they had a nice lunch.

The obvious conclusion: I don't treat myself like I'd treat someone I love. Even though I do love myself, quite a lot. I think the issue is that I know what I can handle--I know that skipping lunch wouldn't have done more than given me a headache and maybe low energy. But I never know what other people can handle, or if they're just being polite when they say they're okay with [whatever], so I go the extra mile to make sure they're happy and comfortable.

So here's the plan: For the next 21 days, I am going to endeavor to treat myself the way I'd treat someone I was in a healthy friendship/relationship with. (Ties into the idea of self-marriage, which I quite like.) All the time. No exceptions. Wish me luck.

Day 1: Bought a pizza slice. Big freaking deal, right? But certain courses may foreshadow certain ends... *dun dun dun*

As a side note, I'm hoping this project will help me get more in tune with a relationship vibe. I haven't been on a real date in way longer than I'd like to admit and haven't been in a relationship in even longer, and while I love being alone, the number of couples around me is increasingly weirding me out and I think I need to get back into the swing of things just to remember what all the fuss is about. My chronic singleness, while enjoyable, is distancing me more than I'd like from the rest of humanity.

Later: I'm noticing a strange duality. All day I've been asking myself what I want or how I'm feeling, and it's like the masculine half is the one doing the asking, then the feminine half does the answering, then the masculine half either takes action to make the feminine half happy, or gently reasons with the feminine half to come up with a better plan of action. Very weird.

Day 2: I'm becoming self-indulgent. Took a two-hour nap after class this morning. Gorgeous.

This way of relating to myself is also making me much less stressed out by... how do I explain this? Certain types of boy tend to gravitate towards me. These are either:

• awkward guys who think I'm pretty but who become monosyllabic drones when I talk to them;
• 30-year-olds who still think they're 19, who have been single long enough to develop the guts to say "Hey beautiful" twelve times a day, and haven't been single long enough to realize that this doesn't work;
• guys who date me for my hair (this actually happens);
• guys who just like a challenge; or
• guys who become fixated on me because a) I'm a girl nerd, b) they have somehow envisioned me as a video game character, or c) they have this idea that I can be their maiden of Camelot with alabaster skin and flowing tresses, yaddi-yadda; i.e., I am apparently a good blank slate for general fantasy fulfillment. What can I say? I contain a multitude of archetypes.

It's hilarious sometimes but usually just tends to make me snippy toward men who could even hypothetically fit into one of these categories. (Sorry, guys I'm snippy to who are actually just being nice. I'm jaded.) But this project has made me be able to shake off my irritation more easily. I encountered one of the above guys today and it didn't really bug me, because hey, I was taken, and me and myself were going to go home later and enjoy each other's company and be relieved that we weren't with one of Those Boys.

Day 3: Apparently I like it when my girlfriend looks good. Since I started this I've been much more attentive to my appearance, because my "male"/assertive/yang half appreciates it. I'm wearing nail polish and makeup and stuff. Bizarre. (I should clarify something here... My yang half does not care about perfection or traditional cosmetically-enhanced "feminine beauty". We see images of women in the media that are perfectly beautiful, and I tend to find that sad and repulsive before I find it beautiful. The thing my yang half finds attractive is visual interest. Colors, movement, curves, artistic touches... it likes visually expressed creative playfulness.)

Day 4: Didn't focus much on this today. I'm having a weird thing with food, which I'll be doing an experiment on in a couple of weeks. Also, this whole duality thing does not keep me from missing human contact.

Day 5: Today was exhausting. I told myself yesterday that I needed to stop taking naps, but today I got home from rehearsal and it was nice to be able to have the one side go, "But I said I wasn't going to nap!" and then the other side say, as it would to someone else, "Um, hi, you're on the verge of a breakdown. Sleep." It's like being my own mother. (Where exactly does this fit in the Oedipal scheme of things...?)

Day 6: On that note, Happy Mother's Day. My family basically postponed Mother's Day, so I stayed home and was incredibly self-indulgent. (Self-indulgent: spend the entire day sewing and watching Star Trek. There are few sweeter joys.)

Day 7: Felt like crap and didn't give a single thought to this experiment.

Day 8: BLAAAAAAAAAAAH. Felt like crap again, but figured out why. Most of this paragraph is going to consist of TMI for any men reading this, so skip if you don't want to hear about it. I've been on birth control for the past few years as a hormone/cycle regulation (10 days on, 12 days off, 10 days on, ladies--not fun) and went off it about a year ago. Since then my body's been adjusting to its own natural rhythms, which, it appears, include PMS. I'd forgotten what the whole wanting-to-cut-out-my-own-uterus thing was like... The upshot is that it's given me a real opportunity to baby myself and not feel guilty about it.

Days 9–12: Holy busy, Batman. Main realization over the last couple of days: I am one foxy nerdy lady, and I feel really lucky that I get to take myself home every night. ;)

Day 13: Apparently the confidence-through-the-roof that being your own girlfriend creates is effective. All day at church today, guys were doing double takes and stopping in the middle of conversations to stare at me. And it wasn't 'cause I had broccoli in my teeth, either. Very strange. I suppose I should've taken the opportunity to flirt or something, but mostly I just felt weird and headed out really fast after the service. But... still. Flattering.

Day 14: Um... someone (a boy someone) used the love word. Which was... Well. That's all I'm saying on that right now. But odd. And the grounded feeling that this experiment is doing a good job at keeping me level-headed about it. So... this is good.

Days 15-16: When my sides get angry at each other, Yin is the first to look like she might be sorry, then Yang is the first to actually apologize, and then they hug. Not literally, of course, but that's the best way I can think of to describe the emotional back-and-forth. These two have actual conversations in my head sometimes. In our head. It's odd.

Day 17: Date night tonight! It's been such a good day, and I want to slow down and enjoy it. So tonight, Yin and Yang are going to come home after rehearsal, ignore homework, eat whatever we darn well please, do whatever we darn well please, and mostly just enjoy each other's company.

Day 18: So... date night didn't happen last night. I got home from rehearsal and just slept. Date night was tonight. TV and mani/pedi time. It was lush, and I felt like I was spending my time in a worthwhile way, because I was nurturing myself. It's almost as satisfying as nurturing a pet, which is saying a lot.

On another note, I had a great conversation with my grandma today. My grandpa passed away last year, and while it's been hard for her, I get the impression that she's been able to get back in touch with herself, and it's brought a new level of decisiveness and self-nurturing to her that I've never seen before. If and when I get into a "relationship," I want to hold onto the conscious self-awareness I'm experiencing now.

Day 19: Glorious Sunday and its lack of classes. Been lazy today (major relief after the last two weeks of go-go-go) and while I feel slightly guilty about not accomplishing anything, including stuff I want to do just for me, I've got this weird back-and-forth going on where my sides are both validating each other's decision to be lazy, even if they can't validate their own. This could become a vicious cycle, but it's sort of just nice right now. And if we do end up being productive later, it'll be a relief to give into our mutual guilt and commiserate over that. (One can commiserate with oneself. It's kinda cool.)

Day 20: Spent the evening with some of my favorite people. (I'm related to them.) It was great. Didn't think about this experiment at all. Was more concerned with thinking about my cat (I'm sort of related to her). But I don't really need to think about this anymore. It just kinda is what it is, and I love it.

Day 21: Today, I did not go buy a donut, because, though that would have been awesome and satisfied a craving, the only donuts in walking distance were crap and I deserve better than that. So tonight I'm going to go home and make apple pastries for date night. We start with food, we end with food. (Date night, by the way, is awesome and will be happening frequently from here on out.)

This is the end of this experiment, folks, but not the end of this way of relating to myself. I've loved this, and I'm so much kinder to myself than I was a month ago. Consciously kind. Consciously sympathetic. Consciously loving.

I love the duality this experiment has brought up. I love the way it split me into these two halves that can converse and balance each other out. I love the way it brought to light the fact that yes, you can be complete alone, and no, completion doesn't always mean you don't still need other people. Oddly, though I'd hoped this would help me develop a more relationship-friendly attitude, it's mostly just made me more confident that I don't want one right now.

I am my own girlfriend. I'd thought about this idea before (and discussed it with my dear friend Kealeigh), but I wasn't really living it. But now I am. And I will. Because this is awesome.

*hugs self*

*and all of you*

Try this:
Do this experiment. Think of yourself as someone else. You'll feel it out as you go, and only you can figure out what self-love looks like in your own life. But do, because it's wonderful.

Coming Soon... Enjoying life, goshdarnit. (Probably not wanton hedonism... but a little hedonism.) And maybe something with religion. If you have any ideas, send 'em this way.

Why I Don't Do Homework

I was unschooled, and it kind of gave me an attitude. Today, I was sitting in class during a small group discussion  about "the reading." I hadn't done it. I have not, in fact, done it since the second week of class.

It wasn't worth it.

My attitude toward formal education is skeptical. My parents taught me to read at home when I was three. I went to public school for a few years, and liked it, then in third grade my parents pulled me out to home school me. (Long dramatic deal; long story short, OCD reared its anal-retentive head and I developed massive anxiety.) When I was eleven, my mom walked into the room and said, "Look, I'm really busy right now. Educate yourself, go to college, and if you're still living at home when you're 26, that'll be really embarrassing for you." With that, she walked out.

So from age eleven on, I was in charge of my own education. I made up curricula, tried out lots of textbooks, and eventually settled on googling cool stuff all day and working through an ACT prep book. I got awesome at finding good sources and finding ways to learn that worked for me.

Today, when confronted with any assignment, I don't have a lot of time for anything that doesn't work for me. I apply a fairly rigorous cost vs. benefit analysis to all school assignments. I usually do turn-in homework--that's where the points are, and I only ever want to take a class once--but about 80% of the time, I pass on the reading. Most of it is dry and unhelpful. Most textbooks are unnecessarily verbose in a way that makes me think the writers are more concerned with proving their credibility than providing useful food for thought. Most reading assignments, in short, are full of information that I can find in clearer, most interesting forms elsewhere.

Don't be confined by a syllabus. Don't go along just because "that's the way we've always done it." Think for yourself and don't waste your life away conforming to other people's suggestions. Use your brain, not your teacher's or your classmates' or the textbook authors'. Approach life like an unschooler. This approach may make you less involved in school, but it'll give you a much better education.

Photos by tanjila and Spree2010.

An Apple A Day - #13

Note: I'm bolding key phrases/ideas to improve skimmability. Let me know if it helps you.

Format: Week-long experiment
Goal: Work produce into half my meals for a week.
Goal met? Not quite... but got results anyway.

Why this experiment?
I do Bountiful Baskets, which is this awesome produce co-op, and so I'm usually incorporate a fair bit of produce into my diet. The other week they'd run out of baskets before I had a chance to order, so I went back to eating whatever else was in my cupboard, which mostly meant tuna fish and pasta. The first day, my energy just crashed. I felt heavy and sick and was not a happy camper. And I figured it had something to do with the food. A week later and I'm okay, but not especially energetic. I sleep 8-9 hours a night and don't function well on less, and have an okay amount of energy during the day with lots of little peaks and crashes. So, a week after my carbs- and fats-heavy diet, I'm switching back to produce. Not a drastic switch: My goal is to work produce into at least half of my meals throughout the week.

(Note on the tallies at the end of each day--I'm being really loose with my numbers here and will count a snack as a meal.)

So here's what happened:
Day 1 (March 15)
Breakfast: Skipped. Was late to church.
Lunch: Leftover eggs and ice cream with homemade Magic Shell topping. (Mostly just trying to use up my non-experiment-friendly food.
Dinner: Fried carrots and radishes with ketchup.
Misc. Snackage: A couple of chocolates that were lying around my room.
Produce in: 1/3

Day 2 (March 16)
Breakfast: An apple. I know, part of this complete breakfast, right?
Lunch: Leftover pasta/cheese sauce.
Dinner: Curry soup with yams and radishes and carrots. Yum.
Misc. Snackage: Oreos and milk.
Produce in: 2/4

Day 3 (March 17)
Breakfast: Apple and graham crackers/milk.
Lunch: Egg salad with pickles and tomatoes.
Dinner: Mac and cheese. I was lazy, ok?
Misc. Snackage: Crackers
Produce in: 2/4

Day 4 (March 18)
Breakfast: Graham crackers/milk.
Lunch: Scrambled eggs with tomatoes and green pepper.
Dinner: Salad (Romaine with radishes and Italian dressing; so good) and fried potatoes and carrots and peppers and tomatoes.
Misc. Snackage: Ice cream.
Produce in: 2/4

Day 5 (March 19)
Breakfast: Pancakes.
Lunch: Eggs with peppers and tomatoes.
Dinner: Mini crullers and sparkling pomegranate-blueberry juice. 'Cause what healthier way to end your day?
Misc. Snackage: Cadbury hot chocolate. Oh. My. Goodness.
Produce in: 1/4

Day 6 (March 20)
Breakfast: Cantaloupe.
Lunch: Fish sticks.
Dinner: Fried potatoes and peppers.

Misc. Snackage: Crackers, cupcake.
Produce in: 2/4

Day 7 (March 21)
Breakfast: Slept through. Bliss. Also good headache cure...
Lunch: Cantaloupe.
Dinner: Tuna sandwiches with tomatoes and pickles.
Misc. Snackage: Homemade peanut butter cups. (SO GOOD.)
Produce in: 2/3


TOTAL: 12/26 (so about 46%)


Conclusions:
I have a horrible diet, as a rule. It's twenty kinds of generic and I eat too much pasta and ice cream. To be honest, though, this probably won't change. I really like pasta and ice cream.

And the main conclusion: Working produce into my diet makes a huge difference in terms of energy and mood. Interestingly, this experiment made my energy levels better--I managed less sleep than usual with no naps and was okay, if not great--but my mood worse--straight carbs and fats tend to keep my body and mind sort of full and dull, whereas this mixed sort of diet made me feel full but not dull, which meant more emotionally sensitivity.

Realization: If you don't especially like your life, emotional sensitivity is not necessarily a good thing. Or, correction, if you generally like your life but don't like much of the stuff that's going on in it. My body wasn't busy digesting and dealing with all the processed junk I was putting into it, so I had a lot more energy left over for mental processes... which meant a lot of angsty analyzing of who I am and what I want and all my issues with this school and religion and men and yaddi-yadda-yadda-yadda... but I was also more attuned to all the pretty flowers and nice things people said... so all day I was bouncing up and down from bliss to gloom to bliss again. Not recommended.

This moodiness is something I've heard of happening when you first move to veganism and especially raw foodism, but I hadn't expected to see the difference so pronounced in such a minor diet shift. I mean, I just went from tuna sandwiches to tuna sandwiches with tomatoes in them... but there was a huge change in both energy and mood.

Still... I recommend bumping up one level of produce consumption because a) the energy boost is awesome, and b) veggies are just more healthy than mac and cheese. I'll be keeping this up, and moving more toward a produce-based diet. I may even get as far as one produce basket per week... But we'll see.

Try this:
If you can get it in your area, Bountiful Baskets is amazing. You get a ton of produce for $15. I get one every other week and split with a friend and her husband, because a whole basket will usually last us that long. It's so much cheaper than produce from the store, and there are always cool surprises--a few weeks ago we got okra in our baskets. I always thought I hated okra (word to the wise: DO NOT BOIL IT) but got creative and found that okra pancakes are delicious.

Coming Soon... Being My Own Girlfriend. This one's kinda fun.

Photos by ariztravel, JD Hancock, *Zoha,N, epSos.de, catsper

Rice Update

I know, you're probably sick of rice updates. But this still blows my mind.

This is what the rice jars looked like a couple weeks ago:

And this is what they look like today:

They're not changing very quickly anymore--they seem to have just settled in like this. This project is almost two months old... it'll be fun to see how long the rice stays like this.

More stuff coming soon...

Magic Anklet - #12

Format: Experiment. I figured I'd give it a week.
Goal: Have more and better social interactions, using a cord set with intentions.
Goal met? Holy effective, Batman.
Terms you should know: 
Intention: Pretty much what it sounds like. An intention is an intention. In energy/spiritual work, the idea of the intention is more concrete and there's a general idea of spiritual power behind it.

So here's what happened:
After the third solid week in a row of feeling like a friendless loser (because I am generally anti-social, at least when I'm at school, and have been spending a lot of time in my room instead of the rest of the apartment in order to avoid my roommate and her awkward relationships with her four awkward almost-boyfriends), I decided enough was enough. I wasn't exactly ready to go out and Meet People (so not my thing), but figured the least I could do was to start changing the way I was looking at this whole playing-nicely-with-others deal. 


Which is to say, I wanted to use a ritual or other physical action that had a chance of tangibly changing my thoughts. The goal was to move from a general attitude of "Why are you looking at me, @*&@#?? Back off before I punch your #*%&#(* teeth in, *#&%*;@!" to, I dunno, something less confrontational and antagonistic. Like "Hi," maybe.


I remember reading something in a novel (probably by Juliet Marillier) about working magic into cords. I thought that was a poetic idea, and I was in a crafty mood, so I dug out some embroidery floss. I used sparkly red to symbolize my root chakra (which relates to security, feeling grounded, and having basic needs met), orange for my sacral chakra (which relates to creativity, sexuality, and romantic relationships), and sparkly green for my heart chakra (which relates to universal love and general relationships). Put on a TV show that made me happy and started braiding.


The whole time I kept in mind the intention that I wanted to have more positive relationships, romantic and platonic, with everyone around me, and wanted to go back to operating from the place of love that I bring to my relationships back home. I wanted to have friends because I liked them and they liked me, not because I was lonely and needed someone to fix my loneliness. And I wanted to become interested in people again, because I'd hit this place where everyone I didn't already know seemed insufferably boring. I knew that was off but I hadn't been able to make my mind change courses.


I happened to do this the night before the full moon (see Supermoon/Equinox video), and set the intentions about wanting positive, enriching relationships/interactions. The night of the full moon I did it again, and again the next day, which happened to be the spring equinox. Then I let the little charm do its thing.


Now, I don't know that the anklet itself had any special energy voodoo going on. Maybe it did -- I'm certainly not ruling the possibility out -- but maybe it was the intention and reminder of having a cord tied around my ankle that helped me change courses, like having a reminder string tied around your finger or a purple anti-complaining bracelet. I fall into the camp of "if it works, use it," and boy, did it work.


Three days later, I had gone from being tired, antisocial, and unable to make small talk to:

• chatting for four hours with girls from my class during lab; they turned out to be completely awesome and exactly the kind of people I like being around;
• somehow or other magically getting on the good side of a teacher who hadn't seemed particularly interested in me most of the semester;
• getting hired on the spot for my job next semester, despite a mix-up with applications and someone already having been hired for my position;
• being flirted with by a guy from a class who is super-interesting and cute (and literate while texting, which is one of my holy grails);
• having a fantastic conversation about religion, totalitarian states, and Rocky Horror Picture Show with two awesome people, completely out of the blue; 
• having acquaintances and casual friends approach me and strike up interesting, below-the-surface conversations;
• being helped way above and beyond the call of duty by a charming woman at the post office;
• being involved in an awesome theatrical/musical production in town; and
• being chatted up by a rather interesting stranger who ended up asking for my number (which hasn't happened in way more than I'd like to admit).

I mean, how cool is that? Something about having that intention wrapped around my ankle as a reminder appears to have done something to my mojo and made me attractive to all sorts of people and interested in them back. I suspect it's switched around a bunch of my subconscious beliefs and habits and in turn switched around all those subconscious body language/tone of voice signals I didn't realize I was giving off, and people respond to that.


Pretty sweet. Also, my anklet's cute.

Try this:
Make an anklet. Or find some other craft or project that feels good. Think about your intentions while you're working on it -- and make sure they feel 100% good to you -- and then wear whatever you make or put it somewhere you'll see it often. 


I can't emphasize the "make sure they feel good to you" thing enough. I originally had this idea in my head that the reason I was being so touchy was because I wasn't being feminine enough or something, and I was convinced that I needed to make a pink bracelet and embrace my inner girl. But my subconscious knew better and gave me a loud "Nope!" feeling, so I eventually ended up going with the chakras and focusing on openness to interactions with people and operating from a place of love, which was a way better decision. 


If your subconscious beliefs and emotional responses can't get behind the intentions you're setting, you're only going to sabotage yourself. I believe you always get what you really want, so make sure you know for sure what that is and find a way to bring it to the surface and work with, not against, it.

Coming Soon...
It was going to be a plants experiment but my nasturtiums aren't agreeing. Suggestions, post 'em in the comments.