Follow Your Gut - #18

Format: Long-term project, though not intentional till a few months in.
Goal: Make decisions using my instincts, not my thoughts or more superficial emotions.
Goal met? More or less. And even less, in this case, is way more useful than any other kind of decision-making.

So here's what happened...
This project came about kind of on accident.

Long story short (we both know that's a lie; it's not going to be short): I was dating this really marvelous guy. He wanted to marry me. I kind of wanted to marry him -- my head said it was a great decision and my emotions agreed. My gut, however, kept going "No," in that obey-or-die voice your mom used on you when you were three.

The whole head-heart-gut disagreement is obnoxious and exhausting, particularly when a boy is involved. One night in the middle of everything, when I was overthinking and overfeeling and up way too late with anxiety, I remembered how nice and peaceful my acting classes had felt during our mindful breathing /body awareness warmups.

Photo by crdotx via Flickr.

 "Hey," I thought. "I'm probably freaking out because I haven't recharged in a while."

So I breathed. The goal with conscious breathing is to focus only on your breathing. It's a game -- you count how many breaths you can take before your attention wanders. It took a while, but finally I settled into that calm space where it feels like everything on the inside of me is melting away into everything outside of me and it's all one big sameness. And with that sameness, my muscles relaxed like they hadn't in a month or so and I got a very distinct voice giving me some advice.

"Be still," it said. Just that. "Be still." No "And know that I am God" or anything... Just the advice to be still, with the understanding that things would work themselves out and that it would all be okay. I texted my boyfriend an excited "Omg I totally just had an epiphany!" and he was like, "Um... okay... cool?" because it's very hard to explain these things to people who haven't had them with you.

And then life sped up again and stuff happened and it was all very dramatic, but I managed to hold onto the still sameness feeling in the moments when it was really critical. And that still feeling always, always tells me to follow my gut. Heck, I think maybe that feeling is my gut.

Over the next couple weeks, my head/heart/gut had a lot of pretty important conversations. Like this one:

Head: You could probably marry this boy for X, Y, and Z reasons. However, you should wait a while and see what happens, and in the meantime work on your job prospects. (Sometimes my head really doesn't get that there's an emotional crisis going on.)
Heart: We really love him and he's being nice and you're going to hurt him!
Gut: Nope. This isn't right. Let him go. It'll be okay.

I followed my gut, let the boy go with all my best wishes, and faced an uncertain and intimidating future with a long-absent calm that told me it had been a good decision.

A few weeks later I found myself hanging out with a friend. We'd had this weird friendship for years that was mostly peppered by a lot of "But does s/he like me like me?" awkwardness.

Head: You are going to be sensible and not kiss this man. You're going to stay single and pursue your professional goals. We decided not to marry the last boy. We should probably not be going there with this one. Besides, we do not do rebound relationships.
Heart: I'm scared. Boys are scary. Relationships are scary. We're bad at relationships. It is way too soon to be kissing anyone!
Gut: Kiss that boy. You love him.

I got quiet and followed my gut. Good decision. ;) A while later:

Head: Are you crazy? You are going to have an established career and probably a mortgage before you get married. The decision-making areas of your brain aren't fully formed until age 25, and studies have shown that women who delay marriage until that age have more stable blah blah blah...
Heart: I love him! I'm in love with him! Marriage is super scary! Aah! Identity crisis! But I love him! But it's scary! But he's so wonderful! What am I doing? Aah! Love! Fear! Infatuation! Insecurity! Feeeeelings!
Gut: Marry him.

Photo by Emily-White via Flickr.

I knew by this time where the good decisions were, and how useless it is to follow anything but my gut. Ever since that first moment where I got the message to be still and got quiet enough to realize what was going on inside me, I've been making most of my decisions like this. I took a lower-paying but more consistent job because it felt better in my gut. We got an apartment with a friend instead of getting one by ourselves. That's still in the beginning stages, but so far, good decision. I got a strong gut message to keep working on my homeschooling website, and some clarity about where it needs to go from here. So far, these have all been good decisions, and paid off in ways I didn't expect.

If I don't follow my gut, everything else falls out of whack. If I do, one beautiful thing falls into place after another, and one day I wake up married to quite literally the man of my dreams and on my way to the kind of future I'm actually daring to admit I want.

Try this: 
Listening to your gut, much of the time, involves literal physical feelings. Your gut really can "tie itself in knots," your heart can "burst out of your chest," something can "give you a headache," and you really can be "sick to your stomach."

In Martha Beck's fabulous book, Finding Your Own North Star, she has detailed exercises in Chapters 2 and 3 that are designed to help you realize when your instinct and body are telling you "Yes" or "No." They're great exercises and I do them whenever I need a refresher. (You can find Finding Your Own North Star at any library or purchase it through Amazon or by clicking the linked title in this post. It's worth owning.)

Here's an abridgment of the exercise, which works pretty well in a pinch. (Note: It's important to do the "no" exercise first, so the "yes" can bring you out of it and into a better mood. Doing "no" last can throw off your whole day.)

1. Scan your body. 
See how you're feeling today, what your emotions are like, and where any tension is. Breathe in and out a few times, focusing on the breath, and try to relax. Once you've done that, scan again and see how you're feeling. You don't have to change anything dramatic -- just take note of where you're at, physically and emotionally.

2. Find your "no" feeling

Photo by BLW Photography via Flickr.

Think of the worst, most stressful situation ever. This can be a real situation in your life or one you've never experienced but that makes you very, very worried. Now make it worse. Layer on something terrible. I'm not talking tragedies here, just a series of stressful things and people. Imagine yourself with a few people who make you nervous and uncomfortable (that super-perfect friend you can't get away from?), somewhere you hate (a boring job that makes you feel like your life is dribbling away into a meaningless void?), doing something that exhausts you (making small talk?), and you've just made a really stupid mistake (just said something snarky about your boss... and s/he was standing right behind you?). Imagine everything about the situation just feels wrong and you're stuck in it. Really imagine it. Go out of your way to feel like you're actually there. The goal is to be somewhere you do not want to be.

For me, this situation looks like this:

I'm at a baby shower (I feel awkward at these things, regardless of how excited I am for the new mom) with a really bubbly, talented, and needy acquaintance, a woman I used to babysit for, and a woman I used to work with. I just wasted two hours and a ton of gas trying to find this party, had an argument with my mom, and have to stay at this thing for two whole hours before I have to leave to a job I hate and that doesn't pay me enough. Everyone is looking at me and I don't know what they're expecting.

Once you find that feeling, figure out what's changed in your body. For me, this means my sternum feels like it's receded back into my chest till it's practically touching my spine. My stomach clenches up in knots and my solar plexus chakra turns into a hard, vibrating lump of goo. I slouch and try to withdraw into myself, and a bunch of tension shows up in my neck and shoulders.

For you, this may mean a jittery stomach, tension between your eyes, or a sudden headache. Whatever it is, notice this feeling. Really figure out how it's playing out and memorize it so you can recognize it later.

3. Let it go.
Relax as much as you can. Take some deep breaths, get up and dance around, and let as much of the "no" feeling as you can disappear. If it doesn't go away completely, that's okay -- the next step will clear it out.

4. Find your "yes" feeling.
This is exactly like finding your "no," but in reverse. Imagine yourself with people who make you feel like your best self (your sister and that really optimistic acquaintance you don't really know but who always makes you feel better about life?), in a place where you feel relaxed and happy (your backyard on the Fourth of July?), doing something that always gives you a ton of energy (talking enthusiastically about Pokemon? Don't laugh; this works for my little brother!). Imagine that the weather is perfect, that everyone is in a fabulous mood, that you have no deadlines or pressure, and that you can hang out here for as long as you want, no worries. This is somewhere that makes you feel like your best self.

For me, this means:

I'm sitting in a garden with my best friend, my husband, and a small handful of friends from the local theater who I always have amazing conversations with. The weather is gorgeous and calm, I've been taking down notes for a novel while we've been talking, and my husband is gently playing with my hair. I've had a productive day and can now sit down and give all my energy to the deep conversations and beautiful evening that surround me. Everyone is relaxed and in a good mood.

Photo by mikebaird via Flickr.

Now notice what's happened to your body. When I'm in this happy place, all my muscles get soft and flexible and a bubble expands behind my sternum till it's pressing on the inside of my ribcage. I can feel a smile starting and my neck is loose and relaxed. All my limbs feel longer.

For you, this may mean your hands start to feel loose and expressive, or you get a huge grin, or your heart feels big. Whatever it is, take a minute to fully enjoy and experience the sensation. Notice everything about it and get its whole texture.

5. Remember those physical sensations.
Make sure both you remember both your "no" and "yes" feelings. Give them names (I just use "shrink" and "expand" to explain what happens to my sternum) and lodge them in your memory.

From here on out, start to notice when they show up. Does your "yes" feeling appear whenever you get talking to a coworker? Does your "no" feeling start to show up during family vacations? Take note of these physical feelings -- they're your subconscious conveying to you what you really feel and want.

It sounds simple, but the fastest path I've noticed to good decisions and a happy life is following those two signals. I pursue things that make me feel "yes" and move away from things that make me feel "no." I've been living by this consciously for about six months now, and it hasn't steered me wrong.

Coming Soon...
Possibly a series of experiments on women and religion... possibly more fun 'n' games with manifestation... We'll see.

The BIG Secret No One Wants To Tell

I watched this video a few days ago. I posted it on Facebook and on an online forum I've been participating in. The response was enormous. Several people told me that the video threw them for a loop. The people on the forum got into one of the most personal discussions about depression and suicide I've seen there. A friend sent the video to her sister, who's been going through some crazy stuff. Another friend said it made her cry. It emboldened me to really consider whether telling my secret will be worth it. And it's worth taking 20 minutes out of your schedule to watch all the way--promise. Like TED says, this is an idea worth spreading.

Magic Anklet - #12

Format: Experiment. I figured I'd give it a week.
Goal: Have more and better social interactions, using a cord set with intentions.
Goal met? Holy effective, Batman.
Terms you should know: 
Intention: Pretty much what it sounds like. An intention is an intention. In energy/spiritual work, the idea of the intention is more concrete and there's a general idea of spiritual power behind it.

So here's what happened:
After the third solid week in a row of feeling like a friendless loser (because I am generally anti-social, at least when I'm at school, and have been spending a lot of time in my room instead of the rest of the apartment in order to avoid my roommate and her awkward relationships with her four awkward almost-boyfriends), I decided enough was enough. I wasn't exactly ready to go out and Meet People (so not my thing), but figured the least I could do was to start changing the way I was looking at this whole playing-nicely-with-others deal. 


Which is to say, I wanted to use a ritual or other physical action that had a chance of tangibly changing my thoughts. The goal was to move from a general attitude of "Why are you looking at me, @*&@#?? Back off before I punch your #*%&#(* teeth in, *#&%*;@!" to, I dunno, something less confrontational and antagonistic. Like "Hi," maybe.


I remember reading something in a novel (probably by Juliet Marillier) about working magic into cords. I thought that was a poetic idea, and I was in a crafty mood, so I dug out some embroidery floss. I used sparkly red to symbolize my root chakra (which relates to security, feeling grounded, and having basic needs met), orange for my sacral chakra (which relates to creativity, sexuality, and romantic relationships), and sparkly green for my heart chakra (which relates to universal love and general relationships). Put on a TV show that made me happy and started braiding.


The whole time I kept in mind the intention that I wanted to have more positive relationships, romantic and platonic, with everyone around me, and wanted to go back to operating from the place of love that I bring to my relationships back home. I wanted to have friends because I liked them and they liked me, not because I was lonely and needed someone to fix my loneliness. And I wanted to become interested in people again, because I'd hit this place where everyone I didn't already know seemed insufferably boring. I knew that was off but I hadn't been able to make my mind change courses.


I happened to do this the night before the full moon (see Supermoon/Equinox video), and set the intentions about wanting positive, enriching relationships/interactions. The night of the full moon I did it again, and again the next day, which happened to be the spring equinox. Then I let the little charm do its thing.


Now, I don't know that the anklet itself had any special energy voodoo going on. Maybe it did -- I'm certainly not ruling the possibility out -- but maybe it was the intention and reminder of having a cord tied around my ankle that helped me change courses, like having a reminder string tied around your finger or a purple anti-complaining bracelet. I fall into the camp of "if it works, use it," and boy, did it work.


Three days later, I had gone from being tired, antisocial, and unable to make small talk to:

• chatting for four hours with girls from my class during lab; they turned out to be completely awesome and exactly the kind of people I like being around;
• somehow or other magically getting on the good side of a teacher who hadn't seemed particularly interested in me most of the semester;
• getting hired on the spot for my job next semester, despite a mix-up with applications and someone already having been hired for my position;
• being flirted with by a guy from a class who is super-interesting and cute (and literate while texting, which is one of my holy grails);
• having a fantastic conversation about religion, totalitarian states, and Rocky Horror Picture Show with two awesome people, completely out of the blue; 
• having acquaintances and casual friends approach me and strike up interesting, below-the-surface conversations;
• being helped way above and beyond the call of duty by a charming woman at the post office;
• being involved in an awesome theatrical/musical production in town; and
• being chatted up by a rather interesting stranger who ended up asking for my number (which hasn't happened in way more than I'd like to admit).

I mean, how cool is that? Something about having that intention wrapped around my ankle as a reminder appears to have done something to my mojo and made me attractive to all sorts of people and interested in them back. I suspect it's switched around a bunch of my subconscious beliefs and habits and in turn switched around all those subconscious body language/tone of voice signals I didn't realize I was giving off, and people respond to that.


Pretty sweet. Also, my anklet's cute.

Try this:
Make an anklet. Or find some other craft or project that feels good. Think about your intentions while you're working on it -- and make sure they feel 100% good to you -- and then wear whatever you make or put it somewhere you'll see it often. 


I can't emphasize the "make sure they feel good to you" thing enough. I originally had this idea in my head that the reason I was being so touchy was because I wasn't being feminine enough or something, and I was convinced that I needed to make a pink bracelet and embrace my inner girl. But my subconscious knew better and gave me a loud "Nope!" feeling, so I eventually ended up going with the chakras and focusing on openness to interactions with people and operating from a place of love, which was a way better decision. 


If your subconscious beliefs and emotional responses can't get behind the intentions you're setting, you're only going to sabotage yourself. I believe you always get what you really want, so make sure you know for sure what that is and find a way to bring it to the surface and work with, not against, it.

Coming Soon...
It was going to be a plants experiment but my nasturtiums aren't agreeing. Suggestions, post 'em in the comments.

Rice Intention Experiment

Attempting to use my webcam... Update on the rice experiment and what's coming up next!

Rice Intention Experiment - #11

Format: Week-long experiment with option of extending.
Goal: Do Masaru Emoto's rice intention experiment. See if it works.
Goal met? THIS IS SO COOL. (That's a yes.)

So here's what happened:
I was nosing around on various unschooling blogs and happened upon The Sparkling Martins. One of the posts was on the rice intention experiment. I was fascinated and decided that, while the blog was spiffy and all, I really wanted to try this one for myself. Soooooo... I did.

The idea with the rice experiment is that you can change the state of cooked rice by sending it emotions. If you send it love, it'll stay nice; if you send it hate, it'll get moldly and gross.

• Step 1: I cooked some rice and, meanwhile, found identical containers to put it in. I got two glass jars that had recently held pasta sauce, washed them out thoroughly (like, three times thoroughly) and let them dry completely. 
• Step 2: Once the jars were dry, I wrote words on them. One jar was the Hate Jar, and I wrote the suggested words on The Sparkling Martins blog ("I hate you, you fool") on it, in addition to a bunch of my own. All negative words, like "bad," "stupid," "you suck," "derision," etc. On the inside of the Bad Jar lid I wrote "HATE." On the Love Jar, I wrote "Thank you. I love you" as well as positive words like "gratitude," "kindness," "precious," and so forth. On the inside of that jar's lid I wrote "LOVE." 
• Step 3: I put equal amounts of rice in the jars. I'd read about how sometimes the rice lower in the cooker has trapped in more heat and moisture, which can mess with your results, so I made a point of getting the rice from the same levels and alternating spoonfuls. One into Love Jar, one into Hate Jar, one into Love Jar, one into Hate Jar, and so forth. I screwed the lids on really tight (trapping plenty of steam and moisture in there). 
• Step 4: The theory is that every day you treat each jar to its emotion for 30 seconds by picking it up, feeling as much hate/love as you can, and channeling that emotion toward the jar. I do not have that sort of self-discipline. In truth, I felt a lot of hate to the Hate Jar and a lot of love to the Love Jar on the first day, then put it in a high dark cupboard and forgot about it for a few days. On about day 3, I remembered and did it again, trying to make the emotions as intense as possible. I didn't see a whole lot of results at that point. Forgot about the jars again. Then, around day 7, I remembered the jars and went to go check on them. 

I was expecting to not have any results (or, rather, for both jars to have gone moldy, as that's what moist rice is prone to do over the course of a week), particularly as I'd done a very halfway job of this experiment. Instead...

Well, check it out:



Can you see that?! The Love Jar's rice is still in good shape. It's white, it's fluffy, it's beautiful. You can see water gathering at the bottom of the jar but it's clean water. The jar looks like I put rice in there an hour ago.

The rice in the Hate Jar, on the other hand, has deflated to about half its original size. The rice on the top has turned yellow and putrid, the rice on the bottom has gotten mushy, and on the whole it looks gross.

Here are some closer-ups.

Good rice:

Bad rice:



And that's after a week with inconsistent emotioning (that's a brand-new word, in case you were wondering). I think you can draw your own conclusions about this one. But seriously... How cool is that?!

Try this:
Do what I did, or google "rice intention experiment" for tips, articles, the efforts of people trying to debunk or prove the experiment, and all sorts of other goodies.

Coming Soon...
Dunno yet... But I'll keep you posted on the next week of the rice experiment for sure! Suggestions are, as always, welcome.

What is your hurt telling you?

I finally gave in. After months of holding off, refusing to get swept up in the pop culture craze, I watched Glee.

Reaction: GLEE GLEE GLEE GLEE GLEE GLEE GLEE GLEE <3 <3 <3!!!!!!!!!!!!

The pilot and subsequent episodes made me cry, hokey as that is. These kinds of shows and movies about teenagers performing against all odds (even kind of awful ones like Step Up and Raise Your Voice) make me hurt everywhere inside in the sweetest way. It's nostalgia for something I never had. I wished from the time I was nine or so that someone would step up, take me by the hand and make me into a singer or an actress or some kind of performer, not because I wanted to be famous or popular --- both highly overrated goals --- but because I didn't (and don't) remember how to play. The best kind of playing has always been the arts for me, but I haven't given myself carte blanche to go full-on for it in over ten years. I'm so burningly jealous of the people onstage whenever I go to see a really good production, because I know how in flow they are and I crave that.

Hurt usually covers up a desire. In this case, all of these drama/dance/band-geek shows always point me in the direction of this big castle in the sky, a performing arts center for underprivileged kids and teenagers. I don't know if it's ever something I'll actually do --- it'll take a lot more life experience, business acumen and awareness of my priorities before I decide if it's a realistic and worthwhile goal --- but the desire is there and my pain and bittersweet reactions are the X that marks the spot.

What makes you hurt? What makes you cry --- particularly ridiculous things? What do you run away from? What do those reactions point to? What desire(s) are those negative or conflicted feelings covering?

Images by rachellynnae and A National Acrobat.

Gratitude - #7

Format: 1-week challenge

Goal: When praying, do not ask for anything

Goal met? No. But I got results anyway.

Terms you should know:

Prayer - In my case, a formal addressing of God. (Well, sort of formal. I sound like Tevye sometimes...) In your case... could be anything that addresses God/Goddess/Source/Universe/Higher Consciousness/etc.

So here’s what happened:

I'm not what I would call extremely religious. I don't talk about church stuff unless it's a church topic, I watch movies on Sunday, and I'm actually pretty uncomfortable discussing God with most people. I do, however, pray regularly, and highly recommend this practice, whatever your deity or religious beliefs. I think most people believe in a higher power of some sort --- even if it's their own best self --- and I think formally addressing and stating what you're thankful for and what you want from that higher power is pretty worth doing.

Which leads to the experiment. I realized that most of my prayers are like, "Thanks for this and this and I want this and this and this and this and please bless them and them and them and them and I want this and this..." It's basically a horribly demanding shopping list, and, I'm not gonna lie, most of it doesn't make a difference --- usually because I'm praying for things I don't actually think I'm going to get, or things that I want because I'm so afraid of not getting them.

Operating from fear/doubt = ineffective.

So all my prayers for the week are going to be full of things I'm thankful for and nothing else (with the exception of praying for a friend who's dealing with cancer, 'cause that trumps all).

Day 1: I am not very good at this. But I don't feel so powerless. It's like, "Well, if I don't ask, God's not going to give me this so I might as well get off my butt and do it myself." Win. Maybe illogical, but win. Also, it's very difficult to not ask for things for other people. I'm used to praying for my family a lot and that's against the rules now. But, as I said, empowering.

Day 2: Really enjoying this. Again, keep wanting to pray for family and/or my grades, but I'm only slipping up, like, 50% of the time.

There's something weirdly Law of Attractionish about this. The LoA functions on emotional wavelengths, and gratitude is one of the most positive energies you can send out. I'm actually finding things coming to me more easily. Little invaluable stuff... getting extensions on homework, test alternatives for tests I was worried about, having enough time to do homework and play too, making a brief but lovely connection with someone I'm interested in, etc. I can't categorically say that it's all because of this experiment... but I can't say it's not, either. I'm just feeling more positive and empowered generally and it's bound to ripple.

Day 6: Freaking. Awesome. Week. Like, really, it's been a good week. Unusually good. Roommate has been unusually quiet (she snores). I've been unusually happy. I've had some unusually magnificent insights (see previous post). My days have gone unusually well. I've had unusually abundant synchronicities. Heck, I was walking across campus today, thought, "My life would be easier if I had cash right now" and literally less than thirty seconds later looked down and saw a $1 bill lying in the deserted parking lot. And it's been like that all week. Or maybe I'm just not noticing the bad stuff. Whatever. It's awesome.

Again: Law of Attraction. "Like attracts like." Operating from a positive, grateful base is a lot better than coming from a negative, angry one. Everyone likes you more when you're positive, including the Universe.

I've been slipping up like mad --- mostly in the areas of praying for family --- but it doesn't really matter. 90% of every prayer is all thanks and it's illuminating. My sense of entitlement is slipping away and I'm more okay when things suck. It's like, "Hey, what can you expect without divine intervention? But look at the crocuses! Isn't God nice?"

Which is pretty much fantastic.

I'm making this a habit.

Try this:

1. Do I really have to explain this one to you?

Well, okay, if you're not in the habit of praying, maybe so. (Also, if you're uncomfortable with the term prayer, you can totally rename it. Gratitude session works just as well.)

Find a quiet place where you're not going to be bugged for, like, three minutes (which is harder for some of us than others, I know). Address whatever higher power you believe in if that feels right to you; if not, come up with some other sort of beginning.

[Sidebar: I really do think it's important to formally do this. Developing a generally grateful attitude is awesome, but it's a heck of a lot easier to do once you adopt this practice.]

Then say thanks. For big stuff or little stuff, it doesn't matter; just list it and think about it and why you're grateful for it and how it makes you feel. Do it out loud if you can. Putting things into sound makes them a lot more real.

Whenever you feel like you're done for now, close the prayer/gratitude session somehow. My religion invokes deity again; you may be in the habit of a straight-up "Amen" or want to come up with something of your own. Again, whatever works. And just thanks. No asking for things, no qualifying ("Thanks that it was sunny today, even though the wind went straight through your coat and was cold even though it is almost spring..."). Just thanks.

I recommend doing this before bedtime. They say that whatever you think about before bed is what your subconscious works on while you're sleeping, and I can attest to it having pretty significant effects --- since I began this experiment I've been waking up in absurdly good moods.

2. If you prefer, you can also use meditation sessions for this. When I meditate I prefer to just sit back and watch my thoughts, but I think using meditation to practice conscious gratitude can be a valuable practice, too.

Powerful stuff.

Next challenge: Dating Myself, for real this time...

Images from aussiegall's beautiful 30 Days of Gratitude photostream

Personality Types

I love personality quizzes. It's fascinating how the infinite complexity of human beings can be distilled into a series of types without those humans losing any of their uniqueness. Below are some good ones I've found.

Future posts will take this a step further into the mystical exploring horoscopes, graphology and iridology, all of which have been frequently called "nonsense" but may provide some fun insights anyway. After all, this is personal development... there're no rules here!

Post your results in the comments if you'd care to share... I'm intrigued to see what ya'll are, and, more importantly, if you agree.

Jung Typology Test
This test is similar to the Myers-Briggs, the main difference as far as I can tell being that you don't have to pay for this one. I got the same result as I have with other longer Jung typology tests, but this one is shorter and easier to understand.

My result:
INTJ (slightly expressed introvert, distinctively expressed intuitive personality, moderately expressed thinking personality, moderately expressed judging personality)

For more information on your results, visit TypeLogic.

The Color Code
This test sorts people into four colors, each of which has a dominant trait associated with it. There's red (power), yellow (fun), blue (relationships) and white (peace). It's unique in that it asks you to answer these questions according to how you were as a child. The free version of the test will tell you your dominant color but not the percentages of the other colors. For the full report, it's something like $40, or you can get the book.

WARNING: You have to supply your email address, then go check your email to activate your account and get the link to your results. May not sound like much but I hate extra steps.

My result:
Reds (Motive: Power) (43.13%)
Reds are motivated by Power. They seek productivity and need to look good to others. Simply stated, Reds want their own way. They like to be in the driver's seat and willingly pay the price to be in a leadership role. Reds value whatever gets them ahead in life, whether it be in their careers, school endeavors, or personal life. What Reds value, they get done. They are often workaholics. They will, however, resist doing anything that doesn't interest them.

(This, by the way, is all true.)

The Enneagram Test
Again, this is the free version. There are roughly a billion questions but they made sense so it went quickly. The Enneagram test links you to one of nine numbers, each of which correspond to a personality type. The results are pretty darn accurate if mine are anything to go by. (Except the intellectualism-to-cover-insecurity thing. I get all intellectual so I don't get bored.)

My result:
You are most likely a type 5: The Investigator.
Taking wings into account, you seem to be a 5w4. [5w4 means 5, with a "wing," or secondary type of 4]

The Color Quiz
Not to be confused with The Color Code, The Color Quiz is less of a personality indicator and more of a current mood indicator. It's a lot of fun, even if it does get its genders mixed up sometimes.

My results:
Not posting them as it's a rather large chunk of text and it'll change in twenty minutes anyway. Check it out for yourself; it's cool.

Pardon my Enthusiasm! - Emily (Corpse Bride)

I think of enthusiasm as the opposite of coolness and adolescence is a turning point for this. - Adam Savage

True dat.

I was thinking about this earlier today. As previously mentioned, I am socially awkward a lot of the time. And I'm pretty darn okay with it, because that awkwardness comes from enthusiasm, intellectualism, being engaged, not putting limits on my experience of the moment and being honest about my reactions.

And then, I stumbled upon this quote on The Glass Is Too Big, and I experienced a brief moment of synchronicitous love.

Go out. Be enthusiastic. Being cool is lame. Have you ever met someone you absolutely loved who was cool and apathetic? Because I can't think of one. Passion is so much more interesting than some film of controlled nonchalance.

Observations on a technological disaster

I got home from school yesterday and opened my computer. It started to load then came up with this screen that was all fuzzy black and white striped static, kinda like what would happen if Calvin Klein were in charge of analog TV static.

So that sucked.

I restarted. New static, this time colored and boldly striped. Tried again and it was colored static only little and random. Not good, eh?

I did a System Restore, which made the problem worse, and then took it to the campus computer help desk. Lo and behold, my hard drive had well and truly crashed. Faced with the prospect of finding enough CDs or thumb drives to store all my information, I said, "Let it go" (okay, I wasn't so Zen... I said "Screw it" first) and let my data be lost before they reinstalled Windows. (Not a huge loss --- it meant the deletion of a novel I didn't finish and didn't much like, my updated resume which can be easily re-updated, and pictures of my cat. Actually kinda heartbroken about that.)

Anyway, I actually learned some useful crap from this experience. See below:

1. Law of Attraction
Do you know why this happened? This happened because I think netbooks are cute.

Gah.

I've been seeing them around and really wanting one, and going, "You know, my computer is old and slow... if it broke, I'd be able to get one." This didn't necessarily mean that I wanted my computer to break. I wanted a netbook as an extra. But the universe took exactly what I intended and started making it happen. Fortunately I was able to finagle in the situation so I don't have to get one just yet... but it's in the future. This time, though, I want a netbook and a laptop. And I want that laptop to be a MacBook Pro. *happy sigh*

2. Meditation
Meditation totally works. Some of our homework for my World Religions class was on meditation (I think it was Yongey Mingur Rinpoche, a guru whose book I love love love love love) and either the reading or the professor was talking about how this guru had major anxiety as a child. He overcame it through meditation. Basically, he meditated so much in times of stress that when he got stressed, a meditative state was his instinctual reaction. And that's exactly what happened with me. The computer spazzed, and I got suddenly very calm and removed and conscious of the fact that it didn't really matter from a cosmic perspective.

Naturally that only lasted so long and I called my mother later to cry and moan, but weirdly, I then got calm again... for the most part, I felt unusually okay through the whole thing. Was tres cool.

3. Back up your data
Most of mine was backed up, so it wasn't a crisis. If I'd actually lost all those novels and essays and resumes and mp3s etc. etc. etc. this story would have moved up considerably on the Crisis Richter Scale. Just having to worry about backing it up, the extra time involved in locating CDs/thumb drives or an external hard drive and worrying about whether the data would be in one piece would have been hugely stressful. As it was, I went, "MY CAT PICTURES! ...... Okay, wipe it," and all was well with the world.

Backing up your data is kind of like colonoscopies and prostate exams: everyone says you need to do it already, and they're totally right. It's pretty easy, too... a thumb drive or two can hold an awful lot, and there are plenty of online storage sites out there. For the sake of your mental health, just do it.

Photo symbolizing electrical crises by moonsheep. Isn't it gorgeous?

Meditation - #4

So... I lied. This latest experiment did not involve talking to strangers, because it turns out talking to strangers is really freaking easy, or at least it has been for me lately. Not sure what caused that subconscious switch and I'm not sure how to find out. (Any suggestions, let me know; any insights and I'll keep you posted.)

But we're in luck, 'cause this new topic is even cooler.

Meditation.

Oh, yeah.

Format: Fortnight experiment (because "fortnight" is cooler than "2-week")

Goal: Meditate regularly (every day to every other day). Develop some degree of proficiency at stepping away from my thoughts and reaching mindlessness.

Goal met? Booyah. 'Nuff said.

Terms you should know:

Meditation - A mental discipline by which the practitioner attempts to get beyond the reflexive, "thinking" mind into a deeper state of relaxation or awareness.

So here’s what happened:

I walked into the first day of my World Religions class (which, by the by, is fascinating) and my professor said that we were going to meditate for five minutes before the start of each class and could earn extra credit by meditating regularly. Talk about painless homework. I'm taking him up on it. We have to do five five-minute meditations, 10 10-minutes and 20-20 minutes. For the 20 minute ones, we also have the option of going to the meditation group he runs which usually comes to about 20 minutes explanation, questions and techniques and 10 minutes meditation, though we're going to work up to longer.

Since then, I've been meditating two days a week in class, two days a week in meditation group and then here and there on my own when I have a few minutes or especially need it.

The meditation is a sitting meditation where one focuses on the breath. The idea is not to stop thinking (or worse, to think incessantly about not thinking) but to step back and observe your thoughts. My professor uses the metaphor of watching horses grazing but not saddling up or riding off on any of them, and I also find it useful to think of them as clouds going by or fishes swimming downstream.

Sometimes I go places in my meditations --- a small island in the middle of a stream in a canyon, a cliff overlooking the ocean, a mesa at sunset --- and sometimes I just let thoughts and images come and go as they will. Either way is effective and I usually go with whatever comes first. It's all very fluid.

Straight from my recent notes:

5 min. - Hypnagogic imagery! This seems to happen more easily when I'm tired. It's very cool. [Hypnagogic imagery: the bright changing colors and patterns you see sometimes just before you fall asleep. For me, it's like watching bursts of colored light on the inside of my eyelids.]

10 min. - Meditation was nice. I just focused on the breathing and eventually got to a place where the breath was the only thing I paid attention to. 

20 min. - [We did a remembering meditation which basically entailed thinking of our blessings.] I thought almost exclusively about people (and not on purpose). Some of it was too emotional so I was happy to let it pass and walk away. Kept popping out of meditativeness into inner freaking out over my to-do list, then guided myself back. 

20 min. - [Did a loving meditation where we focused on groups of people --- first loved ones, then neutrals (like the people in Haiti), then people we have a hard time with --- and sent love energy to them.] I found that as I thought of people I felt very strongly what roles they play in my life. I'd think of someone and their image would immediately sort to the right (loved ones), middle (neutrals) or left (problems). Unusual --- I don't normally recognize my feelings about people this strongly. 

All in all, it's been very rewarding and I'm looking forward to more.

Try this:

1. Make the time. This is the hardest part, but meditating is worthwhile worth taking time out for. You will have 10-minute blocks if you look for them. Your to-do list can wait --- sit down and use that time to step back.

2. Let whatever happens happen. Meditation should be a very guiltless experience, if not an easy one. If you get on a thought train and find yourself somewhere else, just bring your attention back to the breath. It's not a big deal and it'll happen less the more you practice.

3. Try counting. It usually takes me a while to settle into a meditative state (around seven minutes on a good day) and counting 1-2-3-4 on the inhale and 1-2-3-4 on the exhale over and over really helps.

4. Practice, practice, practice. You'll want to after you start to get a hint of the calm, quiet, empty space meditation can provide. Just keep breathing and being quiet until you find it. It's amazing.

Final notes:

I love love love love love (love) love meditation. I've done it casually for years, but never made a concerted daily effort. This experiment has taught me that it makes a huge difference. Out of everything I've played with so far on this blog, the one I'd encourage you to take up the most is meditating. Maybe you'll get something different out of it than what I got, but I feel confident that you will get something. You can't help it in the middle of all that calm.

Next challenge: No idea, actually. Any suggestions?

images by oddsock and alicepopkorn

Decluttering - #3

Format: As-long-as-it-takes exercise

Goal: Get rid of stuff. Toss stuff I don’t love.

Goal met? For now.

Terms you should know:

Come on, it’s throwing stuff away. Elementary, my dear Watson.

So here’s what happened:

I recently moved back to school. It was the perfect time to throw junk away, so I did. Sort of.

The first day, I got nothing done. Fail. Day two, though, was infinitely better. I got a lot done, including getting rid of a garbage bag full of clothes. This is a big deal—I have a hard time getting rid of clothes. I don’t necessarily love everything I own, but I like it or it’s something I wear all the time.

The goal at this point became to get rid of a garbage bag per day of stuff I didn’t want, but that fell by the wayside as I realized I had about three days to go through everything I own. At that point, the day one/day two stuff fell by the wayside, as did regular showers, healthy meals and conversation with the world outside.

I have a lot of stuff.

In the end, I threw away three garbage bags full to bursting with paper, decrepit shoes and miscellaneous broken things and four bags of thrift store stuff. A fair bit of the Goodwill stuff, I’m happy to say, was in reasonable condition but just didn’t give off a vibe I liked. I also gave a bunch of cute stuff to my sister (she’s much better at cute than I am) and returned a lot of random things that had ended up in my storage boxes to their rightful owners.

Having said that, I still have a lot of stuff.

The thing is, though, I like having a lot of stuff. When I go globetrotting in a few years I won’t mind leaving it all behind and travelling with a single backpack, but as long as I’m here I want to be surrounded by things I enjoy. I tend toward mid-extremes in all areas of life, and if I’m not a minimalist traveler I’d rather have too many clothes.

Getting rid of stuff I don’t actually like, though, feels fantastic. Keeping stuff I love feels fantastic. Keeping stuff I’m lukewarm on feels utilitarian and, well, lukewarm, but I always regret it when I throw out the lukewarm stuff just because most of it is so practical. (Insight: I don’t love utilitarian things, but I have a lot of them because they feel expendable. I don’t like having things I love around too much because I’m always worried they’re going to get broken or lost. I think this is a scarcity mindset, but it’s also really, really practical when you’re hopping back and forth from chaotic home to generally clueless apartments. Creepy insight: I feel this way about people, too. Ick.)

Try this:

1. Make decluttering a mentality, not a job. Once “pack light” becomes a part of you, it’s a lot easier to toss stuff. Keeping it a part of you, however, appears to be more than a weeklong process.

2. Play the consequences game. What will happen if you got rid of ______? Think about it. Imagine the consequences. Most of the time “Nothing whatsoever” is the answer. Other times it’s “I’ll have an excuse to go get one I actually like!” and occasionally it’s “I’ll really miss it and wish I had it back.” Forecasting your feelings about getting rid of an item can both encourage you to toss stuff and to avoid getting rid of things you’ll regret later.

3. Realize that it’s just stuff. You can get it again. Everything in life is transient, and if you create a vacuum things will flow into it. (I’d actually like to try tossing everything but journals and heirlooms sometime and see what happens. The only problem with this is that society expects you to wear clothes and cooking things without pans is difficult…)

Next challenge: Talking to Strangers

Image by Pink Sherbet Photography.