Follow Your Gut - #18

Format: Long-term project, though not intentional till a few months in.
Goal: Make decisions using my instincts, not my thoughts or more superficial emotions.
Goal met? More or less. And even less, in this case, is way more useful than any other kind of decision-making.

So here's what happened...
This project came about kind of on accident.

Long story short (we both know that's a lie; it's not going to be short): I was dating this really marvelous guy. He wanted to marry me. I kind of wanted to marry him -- my head said it was a great decision and my emotions agreed. My gut, however, kept going "No," in that obey-or-die voice your mom used on you when you were three.

The whole head-heart-gut disagreement is obnoxious and exhausting, particularly when a boy is involved. One night in the middle of everything, when I was overthinking and overfeeling and up way too late with anxiety, I remembered how nice and peaceful my acting classes had felt during our mindful breathing /body awareness warmups.

Photo by crdotx via Flickr.

 "Hey," I thought. "I'm probably freaking out because I haven't recharged in a while."

So I breathed. The goal with conscious breathing is to focus only on your breathing. It's a game -- you count how many breaths you can take before your attention wanders. It took a while, but finally I settled into that calm space where it feels like everything on the inside of me is melting away into everything outside of me and it's all one big sameness. And with that sameness, my muscles relaxed like they hadn't in a month or so and I got a very distinct voice giving me some advice.

"Be still," it said. Just that. "Be still." No "And know that I am God" or anything... Just the advice to be still, with the understanding that things would work themselves out and that it would all be okay. I texted my boyfriend an excited "Omg I totally just had an epiphany!" and he was like, "Um... okay... cool?" because it's very hard to explain these things to people who haven't had them with you.

And then life sped up again and stuff happened and it was all very dramatic, but I managed to hold onto the still sameness feeling in the moments when it was really critical. And that still feeling always, always tells me to follow my gut. Heck, I think maybe that feeling is my gut.

Over the next couple weeks, my head/heart/gut had a lot of pretty important conversations. Like this one:

Head: You could probably marry this boy for X, Y, and Z reasons. However, you should wait a while and see what happens, and in the meantime work on your job prospects. (Sometimes my head really doesn't get that there's an emotional crisis going on.)
Heart: We really love him and he's being nice and you're going to hurt him!
Gut: Nope. This isn't right. Let him go. It'll be okay.

I followed my gut, let the boy go with all my best wishes, and faced an uncertain and intimidating future with a long-absent calm that told me it had been a good decision.

A few weeks later I found myself hanging out with a friend. We'd had this weird friendship for years that was mostly peppered by a lot of "But does s/he like me like me?" awkwardness.

Head: You are going to be sensible and not kiss this man. You're going to stay single and pursue your professional goals. We decided not to marry the last boy. We should probably not be going there with this one. Besides, we do not do rebound relationships.
Heart: I'm scared. Boys are scary. Relationships are scary. We're bad at relationships. It is way too soon to be kissing anyone!
Gut: Kiss that boy. You love him.

I got quiet and followed my gut. Good decision. ;) A while later:

Head: Are you crazy? You are going to have an established career and probably a mortgage before you get married. The decision-making areas of your brain aren't fully formed until age 25, and studies have shown that women who delay marriage until that age have more stable blah blah blah...
Heart: I love him! I'm in love with him! Marriage is super scary! Aah! Identity crisis! But I love him! But it's scary! But he's so wonderful! What am I doing? Aah! Love! Fear! Infatuation! Insecurity! Feeeeelings!
Gut: Marry him.

Photo by Emily-White via Flickr.

I knew by this time where the good decisions were, and how useless it is to follow anything but my gut. Ever since that first moment where I got the message to be still and got quiet enough to realize what was going on inside me, I've been making most of my decisions like this. I took a lower-paying but more consistent job because it felt better in my gut. We got an apartment with a friend instead of getting one by ourselves. That's still in the beginning stages, but so far, good decision. I got a strong gut message to keep working on my homeschooling website, and some clarity about where it needs to go from here. So far, these have all been good decisions, and paid off in ways I didn't expect.

If I don't follow my gut, everything else falls out of whack. If I do, one beautiful thing falls into place after another, and one day I wake up married to quite literally the man of my dreams and on my way to the kind of future I'm actually daring to admit I want.

Try this: 
Listening to your gut, much of the time, involves literal physical feelings. Your gut really can "tie itself in knots," your heart can "burst out of your chest," something can "give you a headache," and you really can be "sick to your stomach."

In Martha Beck's fabulous book, Finding Your Own North Star, she has detailed exercises in Chapters 2 and 3 that are designed to help you realize when your instinct and body are telling you "Yes" or "No." They're great exercises and I do them whenever I need a refresher. (You can find Finding Your Own North Star at any library or purchase it through Amazon or by clicking the linked title in this post. It's worth owning.)

Here's an abridgment of the exercise, which works pretty well in a pinch. (Note: It's important to do the "no" exercise first, so the "yes" can bring you out of it and into a better mood. Doing "no" last can throw off your whole day.)

1. Scan your body. 
See how you're feeling today, what your emotions are like, and where any tension is. Breathe in and out a few times, focusing on the breath, and try to relax. Once you've done that, scan again and see how you're feeling. You don't have to change anything dramatic -- just take note of where you're at, physically and emotionally.

2. Find your "no" feeling

Photo by BLW Photography via Flickr.

Think of the worst, most stressful situation ever. This can be a real situation in your life or one you've never experienced but that makes you very, very worried. Now make it worse. Layer on something terrible. I'm not talking tragedies here, just a series of stressful things and people. Imagine yourself with a few people who make you nervous and uncomfortable (that super-perfect friend you can't get away from?), somewhere you hate (a boring job that makes you feel like your life is dribbling away into a meaningless void?), doing something that exhausts you (making small talk?), and you've just made a really stupid mistake (just said something snarky about your boss... and s/he was standing right behind you?). Imagine everything about the situation just feels wrong and you're stuck in it. Really imagine it. Go out of your way to feel like you're actually there. The goal is to be somewhere you do not want to be.

For me, this situation looks like this:

I'm at a baby shower (I feel awkward at these things, regardless of how excited I am for the new mom) with a really bubbly, talented, and needy acquaintance, a woman I used to babysit for, and a woman I used to work with. I just wasted two hours and a ton of gas trying to find this party, had an argument with my mom, and have to stay at this thing for two whole hours before I have to leave to a job I hate and that doesn't pay me enough. Everyone is looking at me and I don't know what they're expecting.

Once you find that feeling, figure out what's changed in your body. For me, this means my sternum feels like it's receded back into my chest till it's practically touching my spine. My stomach clenches up in knots and my solar plexus chakra turns into a hard, vibrating lump of goo. I slouch and try to withdraw into myself, and a bunch of tension shows up in my neck and shoulders.

For you, this may mean a jittery stomach, tension between your eyes, or a sudden headache. Whatever it is, notice this feeling. Really figure out how it's playing out and memorize it so you can recognize it later.

3. Let it go.
Relax as much as you can. Take some deep breaths, get up and dance around, and let as much of the "no" feeling as you can disappear. If it doesn't go away completely, that's okay -- the next step will clear it out.

4. Find your "yes" feeling.
This is exactly like finding your "no," but in reverse. Imagine yourself with people who make you feel like your best self (your sister and that really optimistic acquaintance you don't really know but who always makes you feel better about life?), in a place where you feel relaxed and happy (your backyard on the Fourth of July?), doing something that always gives you a ton of energy (talking enthusiastically about Pokemon? Don't laugh; this works for my little brother!). Imagine that the weather is perfect, that everyone is in a fabulous mood, that you have no deadlines or pressure, and that you can hang out here for as long as you want, no worries. This is somewhere that makes you feel like your best self.

For me, this means:

I'm sitting in a garden with my best friend, my husband, and a small handful of friends from the local theater who I always have amazing conversations with. The weather is gorgeous and calm, I've been taking down notes for a novel while we've been talking, and my husband is gently playing with my hair. I've had a productive day and can now sit down and give all my energy to the deep conversations and beautiful evening that surround me. Everyone is relaxed and in a good mood.

Photo by mikebaird via Flickr.

Now notice what's happened to your body. When I'm in this happy place, all my muscles get soft and flexible and a bubble expands behind my sternum till it's pressing on the inside of my ribcage. I can feel a smile starting and my neck is loose and relaxed. All my limbs feel longer.

For you, this may mean your hands start to feel loose and expressive, or you get a huge grin, or your heart feels big. Whatever it is, take a minute to fully enjoy and experience the sensation. Notice everything about it and get its whole texture.

5. Remember those physical sensations.
Make sure both you remember both your "no" and "yes" feelings. Give them names (I just use "shrink" and "expand" to explain what happens to my sternum) and lodge them in your memory.

From here on out, start to notice when they show up. Does your "yes" feeling appear whenever you get talking to a coworker? Does your "no" feeling start to show up during family vacations? Take note of these physical feelings -- they're your subconscious conveying to you what you really feel and want.

It sounds simple, but the fastest path I've noticed to good decisions and a happy life is following those two signals. I pursue things that make me feel "yes" and move away from things that make me feel "no." I've been living by this consciously for about six months now, and it hasn't steered me wrong.

Coming Soon...
Possibly a series of experiments on women and religion... possibly more fun 'n' games with manifestation... We'll see.

Magic Anklet - #12

Format: Experiment. I figured I'd give it a week.
Goal: Have more and better social interactions, using a cord set with intentions.
Goal met? Holy effective, Batman.
Terms you should know: 
Intention: Pretty much what it sounds like. An intention is an intention. In energy/spiritual work, the idea of the intention is more concrete and there's a general idea of spiritual power behind it.

So here's what happened:
After the third solid week in a row of feeling like a friendless loser (because I am generally anti-social, at least when I'm at school, and have been spending a lot of time in my room instead of the rest of the apartment in order to avoid my roommate and her awkward relationships with her four awkward almost-boyfriends), I decided enough was enough. I wasn't exactly ready to go out and Meet People (so not my thing), but figured the least I could do was to start changing the way I was looking at this whole playing-nicely-with-others deal. 


Which is to say, I wanted to use a ritual or other physical action that had a chance of tangibly changing my thoughts. The goal was to move from a general attitude of "Why are you looking at me, @*&@#?? Back off before I punch your #*%&#(* teeth in, *#&%*;@!" to, I dunno, something less confrontational and antagonistic. Like "Hi," maybe.


I remember reading something in a novel (probably by Juliet Marillier) about working magic into cords. I thought that was a poetic idea, and I was in a crafty mood, so I dug out some embroidery floss. I used sparkly red to symbolize my root chakra (which relates to security, feeling grounded, and having basic needs met), orange for my sacral chakra (which relates to creativity, sexuality, and romantic relationships), and sparkly green for my heart chakra (which relates to universal love and general relationships). Put on a TV show that made me happy and started braiding.


The whole time I kept in mind the intention that I wanted to have more positive relationships, romantic and platonic, with everyone around me, and wanted to go back to operating from the place of love that I bring to my relationships back home. I wanted to have friends because I liked them and they liked me, not because I was lonely and needed someone to fix my loneliness. And I wanted to become interested in people again, because I'd hit this place where everyone I didn't already know seemed insufferably boring. I knew that was off but I hadn't been able to make my mind change courses.


I happened to do this the night before the full moon (see Supermoon/Equinox video), and set the intentions about wanting positive, enriching relationships/interactions. The night of the full moon I did it again, and again the next day, which happened to be the spring equinox. Then I let the little charm do its thing.


Now, I don't know that the anklet itself had any special energy voodoo going on. Maybe it did -- I'm certainly not ruling the possibility out -- but maybe it was the intention and reminder of having a cord tied around my ankle that helped me change courses, like having a reminder string tied around your finger or a purple anti-complaining bracelet. I fall into the camp of "if it works, use it," and boy, did it work.


Three days later, I had gone from being tired, antisocial, and unable to make small talk to:

• chatting for four hours with girls from my class during lab; they turned out to be completely awesome and exactly the kind of people I like being around;
• somehow or other magically getting on the good side of a teacher who hadn't seemed particularly interested in me most of the semester;
• getting hired on the spot for my job next semester, despite a mix-up with applications and someone already having been hired for my position;
• being flirted with by a guy from a class who is super-interesting and cute (and literate while texting, which is one of my holy grails);
• having a fantastic conversation about religion, totalitarian states, and Rocky Horror Picture Show with two awesome people, completely out of the blue; 
• having acquaintances and casual friends approach me and strike up interesting, below-the-surface conversations;
• being helped way above and beyond the call of duty by a charming woman at the post office;
• being involved in an awesome theatrical/musical production in town; and
• being chatted up by a rather interesting stranger who ended up asking for my number (which hasn't happened in way more than I'd like to admit).

I mean, how cool is that? Something about having that intention wrapped around my ankle as a reminder appears to have done something to my mojo and made me attractive to all sorts of people and interested in them back. I suspect it's switched around a bunch of my subconscious beliefs and habits and in turn switched around all those subconscious body language/tone of voice signals I didn't realize I was giving off, and people respond to that.


Pretty sweet. Also, my anklet's cute.

Try this:
Make an anklet. Or find some other craft or project that feels good. Think about your intentions while you're working on it -- and make sure they feel 100% good to you -- and then wear whatever you make or put it somewhere you'll see it often. 


I can't emphasize the "make sure they feel good to you" thing enough. I originally had this idea in my head that the reason I was being so touchy was because I wasn't being feminine enough or something, and I was convinced that I needed to make a pink bracelet and embrace my inner girl. But my subconscious knew better and gave me a loud "Nope!" feeling, so I eventually ended up going with the chakras and focusing on openness to interactions with people and operating from a place of love, which was a way better decision. 


If your subconscious beliefs and emotional responses can't get behind the intentions you're setting, you're only going to sabotage yourself. I believe you always get what you really want, so make sure you know for sure what that is and find a way to bring it to the surface and work with, not against, it.

Coming Soon...
It was going to be a plants experiment but my nasturtiums aren't agreeing. Suggestions, post 'em in the comments.

Supermoon/Equinox Weirdness

Last week was the full moon and spring equinox. My body noticed.

Also, I look insane in the placeholder image for this video. I'm a fan.

Sensing Chakras/Auras - #9

A few weeks ago, I went down with my friend Bekah to visit our friend Erin in Utah. Erin and I have been discussing chakras and energy fields for some time, and so we decided to see if we could do a bit of sensing.

Dang cool.

I wasn't intending to do it for this blog, but it fits great, so I'm sticking it in the usual format.


Format: One evening of playing around

Goal: Try to sense other people's chakras (I can already sense my own reasonably well)


Goal met? Yes yes and yes!


Terms you should know:

Chakra: Energy center in the body. Literally means "wheel" or "turning." More information can be found at Wikipedia or by doing a Google search.

Aura: Field of psychic energy surrounding the physical body. More info at Wikipedia.


So here’s what happened:

It all started when Erin started talking about problems she'd been having with her solar plexus chakra (which is located two or three finger widths above the bellybutton). We'd been texting about it for a couple of days and she'd ask if I'd feel around and see if I could do anything about it. I had her sit down and began feeling the air around her. 

I was half-expecting to not find anything -- I had no idea what I was doing, after all, and chakras haven't been scientifically proven or anything. It took about thirty seconds, though, before I started feeling stuff clearly. It felt like tingling or pressure in the air surrounding her, and after a while I started getting impressions of colors and textures. Her solar plexus felt kind of brownish and thick, and so I used some techniques I'd read about in a Chios Energy Healing manual to clear it out. I held one hand out to channel clean energy and then worked on scooping the dark color out of the chakra. I don't know how else to explain it... it's all very intuitive and you have to turn your brain off and just go with the flow. I could feel energy passing clearly through my arms and to the hand that was working on her, and after a while it felt like I could stop.

Then we took turns lying on the ground and feeling one another's chakras. While we were working on Bekah we did a few experiments to see if we were making this up or what. I would hold my hands over a  chakra (which had gotten very clear at this point) and would ask Erin, "All right, what do you feel here?" And then she would say, "It's huge!" or "It feels like the energy has diffused all over this area," or "Bekah... your chakra is caffeinated." Her comments, with maybe two exceptions, matched my impressions.

We also experimented with auras. We closed our eyes and started with our hands several feet above Bekah's body. We brought our hands down, left hands to mark where we felt the aura, and then opened our eyes. We discovered two interesting things:

1. Our impressions were consistent. When we opened our eyes, our hands were always within inches of one another. 

2. There are multiple aura levels. I'd never heard this before, but it was very clear that we all had at least three. When I got home I looked this up, and it turns out that yes, auras do have layers. Seven of them. We felt them at different spots on each of us, but it was always one in the outer few levels, one in the middle levels, and one really close to the body.

Then they worked on me, which was also weird. I could feel a lot of what they were doing. At one point, Erin was making a sweeping motion over my solar plexus and sacral chakras to sweep energy down and hopefully remove a block I had there. I couldn't see what Bekah was doing as my head was resting facing Erin. Erin asked if I felt anything, and I said, "No... Well, it feels like my heart area's being pulled like taffy." There was a moment of silence, and then, from the other side, Bekah said, "I've been pulling it."

Weird, eh?

We also discovered that my chakras were low-lying in the body (which I haven't been able to find information on -- has anyone heard of this before?), and that I as the person being worked on could feel when they felt my auras. I'd close my eyes and say "There" as Erin and Bekah felt for levels in my auras. When I opened my eyes they said that I'd registered "there" at within inches of the point they'd stopped their hands. We also discovered that I'm very sensitive to the auras closest to my body -- even with my eyes closed I felt ticklish and pulled back into the carpet when they got near my closest aura -- and that I use them as a shield. Erin had to tell me to let her in, and I had to focus on softening and letting people get close before she could actually sense anything. Don't know if that's normal but it's consistent with what I know about myself.

Double weird.


What I learned:

I don't even know, honestly. I'm at such a beginning point with all of this, but it's fascinating. I was surprised by how clearly I could feel it all. I was particularly sensitive to whatever Bekah was doing -- I'm not sure if we're more psychically compatible or if we were more in tune because we'd been roommates for the past several months. It was very, very cool. I'd like to have a session with someone who really knows what they're doing; perhaps my friend Kendra, who's a massage therapist and has done some effective energy work on me before. I'll keep you posted.

So is it real? Or is it just our minds playing games? No clue. Sure is fun, though.


Try this:
1. Check out the Chios manuals/course. I found them really helpful.

2. Also check out this and this by Erin Pavlina (not the Erin I was doing this experiment with). Normally I'm hesitant about psychic claims and the like, but Erin's blog is pretty no-nonsense and approachable, and it's a good place to start.

3. Start playing around. Get into a meditative, open state -- whatever helps inspiration and spiritual impressions come through most clearly for you -- and have at it. I'll be more helpful as I figure out more...


Next Experiment: Inspiration. Online dating. Manifesting relationships. Manifesting, period. Don't know yet. Any suggestions?

Images by YOUscription, Spirit-Fire, makelessnoise, and mangpages.

Magnetic

I've gotten very into Law of Attraction lately. It became a big thing a few years ago, when everyone was reading The Secret, but then it kinda died down and everyone stopped talking about it.

I mostly suspect this is because the book The Secret doesn't make any sense and has very little to do with magnetizing, manifestation or just about anybody's reality. The real stuff is much more interesting and has been floating around for a while. Not sure what it is, really, or why it works --- the amazing power of the subconscious mind? --- but I don't particularly care. It does work, and that's the important thing to me.

In the past few weeks, amazing stuff has started happening. I've manifested:

pluots (which are mostly like a plum)
a netbook (four days earlier than planned)
a job I quite like
chocolate Zingers
fantastic books/articles on manifesting and related topics
shoes (big deal: I do not shoe shop if I can help it)
emotional support
a storm
various amounts of money
a house
a convenient schedule

There's something to magnetizing. And I have no idea how to explain it. It's entirely emotional and largely kinesthetic, at least for me. But you know it when you tune into it. It's like you scan different emotional ranges and ways of dealing with the world until the static and crappy stations snap into a crystal-clear broadcast of exactly the station you wanted to hear, and they're in the middle of announcing that you won their sweepstakes. It's absolutely spiffy.

I've experienced magnetic/emotional highs before, but they're usually short and followed by crashes into depression and cynicism. This time, however, it's stuck around for weeks, with one small crash followed by some huge highs. I attribute the longevity and clarity of this time to some energy work a couple of my dearest (and talented) friends did on me, and to my conscious choice to stay on the high and make it my plateau.

Beyond that, I'm not sure what the commonalities are. Detachment has something to do with it. So does affection. So does meditation. So does emotional awareness (whole new world, that). So does positive thinking, and so does conscious thought before sleep. It's some sort of alchemical blend of all of the above, and it's absolutely amazing.

Aaaaaaand.... that's all, folks. Not sure what more to say about all this... I don't particularly understand it but I'm constantly grateful and amazed. It's a wonderful world. More later. And stay tuned... I've got stuff to say about chakras, which are fun.