A friend posted a link on Facebook to this NYmag.com article on computer-generated lingerie models (NSFW, obviously), and an inevitable long discussion ensued. It ended up focusing on the question of why women have such bad body image.
A guy on the thread suggested that porn is to blame. People obviously disagreed and the conversation is still probably meandering through the happy realms of hyperbole and over-insistence it was in when I left. In the middle of it, though, I stumbled on a fascinating insight.
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| Photo by striatic |
Usually, I can't pinpoint exactly why at first. Inevitably, however, it boils down to the guy in question treating me like an object or a pet. Examples: We'll be kissing and he'll say something like, "Yeah, do you like that?" in a weird, overconfident voice you'd normally reserve for a cat; or he'll start to make offhand remarks about my body; or he'll string me along through literally dozens of vaguely sexual text messages in a way strongly reminiscent of e-maintaining. Guys who don't watch a fair bit of porn just don't do stuff like that.
The point is: Guys who have porn issues treat me like an object or pet, not like a woman.
Any time I'm viewed as an object, my sense of worth as a human being goes down. When my self-worth goes down, I try to regain it, and I crave approval from the guy who made me feel like crap in the first place. (The thinking is something like, "Well, if he can like me, then anyone can like me." Yeah, it's dumb, but I do it.) And to get his approval back, I usually try to become more desirable, which means more sexy, more pretty, more seductive, more like the girls in the porn that turns him on. (And that is often the only thing that turns him on, as this great Psychology Today article discusses.)
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| Photo by Abugayle Smythe Photography. (Guys, Abby is the bomb. Seriously.) Forgive the glamour shot, but I'd like to make the point that porn should not have the power to make me feel ugly. But... well, it does. |
I can't compete with that.
This isn't just a relationships thing. I've had this experience of feeling ugly and inadequate when I'm dealing with friends who have porn problems. It's just compounded when I'm in a relationship, and I can only imagine its impact in the context of a marriage.
Despite our culture's insistence that "porn is bad" and my church's overwhelming insistence that "porn is bad bad bad evil evil will eat your children BAD PORN," I've always had an open mind on the subject. I imagine porn has its time and its place... but it has a tendency to encourage the idea of women as eager, one-dimensional sexual objects instead of complex sexual humans with feelings and needs. I happen to be the latter, and being grouped in with the former tends to leave me pretty cold.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this, except to say that Internet pornography's impact is broader than we think and affects women in more ways than we want to admit. I'm interested to see what you all have to say about this... Please leave your comments--I'd love to get a discussion going!
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8 comments:
I love your brain, Kjerstin. This is also a topic I've been thinking about, although I don't have much personal experience dealing with that kind of objectification. If I've been objectified, it has not been brought to my attention...
Anyways, your post reminded me of a blog I read a while back about this very subject, and it has some thoughts you may find interesting:
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/badcatholic/2011/10/the-best-porn-in-the-world.html
This particular blog is uber uber Catholic in its perspective, which may or may not turn you off. BUT, it goes really deeply into the philosophy of porn and why it's such a problem for women. Awesome thought: "What makes porn so killing is that it is the corruption of a beautiful thing. Sex is beautiful. The naked form is beautiful. The naked woman is the most beautiful creation in the entire universe."
Kjerstin, I would like to say bravo! I completely agree with so much of what you've said and have had similar experiences that has taught me how to spot "porn-viewers" so I am aware of what I can expect from those type of relationships, romantic or not. This topic has actually been on my mind a lot lately, just because there are some people near and dear to me that have struggled with pornography before. I'm happy to see that you aren't taking the "porn is bad bad bad evil evil will eat your children BAD PORN" extremist side, like many in our religion so often do. I think that my view on porn addiction at least would be that if someone is "working on it," meaning they are aware that their viewing is becoming a problem, but are making the conscious efforts they need to stay away from the stuff, then that's good enough for me. This view, however, is very contradictory to almost every other woman I've discussed this with, who most of the time has a reaction something like, "no no no no porn, no man that watches porn EVER. I'd run as fast as I could," or something along those lines. Even though I understand where they are coming from, I've dated plenty of boys that have watched porn, as well as some that don't. The way I see it, however, is that I cannot justify sprinting away from someone even if they are watching porn... especially if they are working on it? I guess I'm just curious on your opinion, would it be enough justification for you if someone were to say they're "working on it?" despite what a lot of our religion says otherwise?
Wow, Dory. That is a FANTASTIC article. I was going to post what I thought was the most profound line... But then I ran across another most profound line and then another.
Meagan, I love your insights. We are VERY among the minority in our religion when it comes to this issue... which is odd, because I think it's naive and silly to expect that you'll be able to find a great guy who never, ever watches porn. Most guys do/will at some point.
I'm with you in the camp of "If he's working on it, that's good enough for me." Even very occasional porn viewing doesn't bother me, actually. The weird treatment I was talking about only happens when the porn is frequent, is a problem for him in terms of guilt/addiction, and/or is something he's not making progress toward getting over. I obviously would rather guys didn't watch it at all... but I can deal with it if it's a rare occurrence and something he makes a solid effort at avoiding.
We'll be kissing and he'll say something like, "Yeah, do you like that?"
Okay, I must say, my first boyfriend did once make a comment like that. Only once, because the first time he said it I just about died laughing. You knew him, I'm sure you can picture that, lol. Perhaps it didn't damage my confidence in that case because I didn't feel as strongly about him as I ought to've for a boyfriend, or perhaps because I have a hard time taking anything 'romantic' or 'sexy' seriously, even when it IS sexy or romantic.
But to have THAT line come out of him, well...*snerk*
On a more serious note, however, I feel like I am coming at this issue from a different background than you. My parents were both big hippies, and both Scorpios, so a big part of how we were raised was to view sex as a natural, wonderful thing. Porn was a slightly older topic of course, but I tend to think there's nothing wrong with a little bit now and again. I'll even go so far as to say it depends on the TYPE of porn.
I'll agree--there is some really scary, bad stuff out there that people really shouldn't be *making*, let along *watching*, but there is also some that is...'classy', I guess? Some that doesn't objectify women, that treats sex and sexuality with the respect and affection they deserve. This is usually called Erotica, now that I think on it, so I guess my particular distiction is 'Erotica = good, porn = sketchy'?
I *can* tell you that I'd started reading some pretty hard core stuff by the time I was 13 or 14. Perhaps it was better because it was written mostly by women, or just the sketchier stuff didn't bother me because I'd had such a strong upbringing on the subject of sex and sexuality, but I do know that it was a big thing for me when I was a teenager, and then it sort of faded into the background, and now two years into a Serious Relationship I can say for certain that it hasn't damaged my ability to be in a relationship or treat sex with a healthy attitude.
I guess, in the end, it comes down to 'Everything in moderation'. Some porn is fine; I take it for granted that most people will have seen/be watching porn. It's just when it becomes a *problem*; when it interferes with your life, that it bothers me.
Also: "porn is bad bad bad evil evil will eat your children BAD PORN," cracked me up SO hard. lol.
Kealeigh
In my experience, some pornography viewing can not only be okay, but good for a marriage. I suppose it depends on the attitude of the participants, but I've always viewed it more as a vicarious "I can soon be feeling that good" thing instead of a "Look at how hot that person is, I want to do it with them instead of my spouse." When taken as inspiration, it can really help in instances where one partner (I'm sure Dusty would prefer that I point out here that I am that partner) has a difficult time becoming aroused. It is hard on a marriage when one person never feels like sex and the other does. I know that I feel much better (less guilty) when I know that he is feeling sexually satisfied. To me, we feel more separate without sex, and more unified with it, no matter how we are able to enjoy one another in that way.
Leah
Kea and Leah... super interesting comments! You're both coming from SUCH a different background than I am with this as far as religion and relationship status goes, and it's enlightening.
Despite that, I more or less agree with what you said. I do think there is such thing as healthy porn use... I just rarely get the chance to interact with guys who have that figured out. It's porn issues, not porn, that leave me feeling ugly.
And Kea... yes. HUGE difference between erotica and porn, I think. I've seen erotica that's stunningly gorgeous, whereas I've never come across beautiful porn.
Thanks Cousin for this great insight, I agree completely with everything you have said and it truly is very degrading because it downplays the worth of the "human being" and praises the human body by itself, without the rest of what makes up the essence (or soul, if you will) of that person. There is a disconnect and I think it is a basic desire of all people to be loved for who they are as the entire package (looks, personality, likes, etc....) than just what they look like. Guys and girls are not so different in that aspect, though I do not know that I represent the average american man based on my upbringing and religious background, but i can't help but feel that it is a common desire for most people.
Adam
Oh Kjerstin, I'm so glad to hear I'm no the only one that. How strange that it is so reassuring when you find the rare few that agree with you. Thank you for being the minority with me, you make for good company.
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