From "Letter From a Birmingham Jail" by Martin Luther King Jr.
"We have waited for more than 340 years for our constitutional and God given rights. The nations of Asia and Africa are moving with jetlike speed toward gaining political independence, but we still creep at horse and buggy pace toward gaining a cup of coffee at a lunch counter. Perhaps it is easy for those who have never felt the stinging darts of segregation to say, "Wait." But when you have seen vicious mobs lynch your mothers and fathers at will and drown your sisters and brothers at whim; when you have seen hate filled policemen curse, kick and even kill your black brothers and sisters; when you see the vast majority of your twenty million Negro brothers smothering in an airtight cage of poverty in the midst of an affluent society; when you suddenly find your tongue twisted and your speech stammering as you seek to explain to your six year old daughter why she can't go to the public amusement park that has just been advertised on television, and see tears welling up in her eyes when she is told that Funtown is closed to colored children, and see ominous clouds of inferiority beginning to form in her little mental sky, and see her beginning to distort her personality by developing an unconscious bitterness toward white people; when you have to concoct an answer for a five year old son who is asking: "Daddy, why do white people treat colored people so mean?"; when you take a cross county drive and find it necessary to sleep night after night in the uncomfortable corners of your automobile because no motel will accept you; when you are humiliated day in and day out by nagging signs reading "white" and "colored"; when your first name becomes "nigger," your middle name becomes "boy" (however old you are) and your last name becomes "John," and your wife and mother are never given the respected title "Mrs."; when you are harried by day and haunted by night by the fact that you are a Negro, living constantly at tiptoe stance, never quite knowing what to expect next, and are plagued with inner fears and outer resentments; when you are forever fighting a degenerating sense of "nobodiness"--then you will understand why we find it difficult to wait. There comes a time when the cup of endurance runs over, and men are no longer willing to be plunged into the abyss of despair. I hope, sirs, you can understand our legitimate and unavoidable impatience. You express a great deal of anxiety over our willingness to break laws. This is certainly a legitimate concern. Since we so diligently urge people to obey the Supreme Court's decision of 1954 outlawing segregation in the public schools, at first glance it may seem rather paradoxical for us consciously to break laws. One may well ask: "How can you advocate breaking some laws and obeying others?" The answer lies in the fact that there are two types of laws: just and unjust. I would be the first to advocate obeying just laws. One has not only a legal but a moral responsibility to obey just laws. Conversely, one has a moral responsibility to disobey unjust laws. I would agree with St. Augustine that "an unjust law is no law at all."
Dang.
This whole letter brings up an interesting question for me, namely: What is the state of civil rights today?
I was raised to believe that people are people and that ethnicity doesn't matter except in that it helps a person construct an identity or be part of a community, so I've always had this assumption that we've finally gotten over the whole skin-color-is-relevant thing.
But I've also only lived in mostly-white areas. The first time I moved to an area where a Hispanic population was prevalent I was shocked at the level of prejudice they face. It still bothers me, actually.
Thoughts, dear readers? I realize that the people reading this are mostly my friends, which means they're mostly white (see "I've only lived in..." above) and as isolated from the issue as I am. But you never know.
What role does race play in your area and/or life? Do you think prejudice is still a big issue or has it moved lower on the list of social problems we face? Have you experienced prejudice because of your ethnicity or a group you identify with? (Home schoolers, I'm talking to you.) This is interesting and I don't understand it at all.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Craigslist Dating - #5
Craiglist dating.
Oh. My. Gosh.
I never thought I'd do it. But then I realized two things. 1) I mock it pretty constantly and shouldn't mock what I haven't tried (same reason I read all the Twilight books), and 2) I'd never done it, therefore I should! Not the greatest line of reasoning but whatever.
In the end, the date --- the point of the experiment --- was pretty blah as far as dates go. But the experience and the things I discovered were wonderful and unexpected. There are people I mesh with. There are fun things to do on campus. Laughing really hard for a few hours does wonders for one's sanity. Getting out is worth it. And, as a special present from the cosmos, it was a cool spring night on the way home. Good things happen when you put yourself out there, whether in the context of going to an activity you'd normally stay home from or jumping onstage to act in a scene-building game.
3. Keep doing it. I used to be really good at this. I'd go to a new club or association every week. I met foreign students, aspiring pilots, math majors celebrating Pi Day (dang good party, too), anime nuts, jazz musicians, and a million other awesome people. I stopped for a while for who knows what reason, but I'm starting up again. It's so worth it.
Oh. My. Gosh.
I never thought I'd do it. But then I realized two things. 1) I mock it pretty constantly and shouldn't mock what I haven't tried (same reason I read all the Twilight books), and 2) I'd never done it, therefore I should! Not the greatest line of reasoning but whatever.
Format: One-night trial
Goal: Find someone on Craigslist. Go out with them. See what happens.
Goal met? Oh my, yes.
Terms you should know:
Craigslist - Web site featuring classified ads and discussion boards
So here’s what happened:
In the end, the date --- the point of the experiment --- was pretty blah as far as dates go. But the experience and the things I discovered were wonderful and unexpected. There are people I mesh with. There are fun things to do on campus. Laughing really hard for a few hours does wonders for one's sanity. Getting out is worth it. And, as a special present from the cosmos, it was a cool spring night on the way home. Good things happen when you put yourself out there, whether in the context of going to an activity you'd normally stay home from or jumping onstage to act in a scene-building game.As I think we all know, I'm not a big fan of dating. But I decided to put that aside for this trial. Actually, I didn't really pretend... my ad was pretty up-front that I just wanted to hang out with someone who attends my university and is not interested in sex or actively looking for a relationship (in that order when it comes to Craigslist).
Got an email from a guy who seemed pretty nice. We decided to do a movie, but in the end I had some things come up and was more than willing to let them take center stage. It was that whole feeling of "That seemed like a good idea at the time, but now, crap." I knew this would probably happen, though, so I let myself be a pansy that one week and we arranged to go to a comedy group workshop.
The date: Lukewarm at best. He seemed like a really nice guy, and would probably end up being a cool friend or boyfriend if someone was willing to take the time and effort to excavate his personality and get to know him. He was just kind of quiet and reserved, and I'm more into the loud, theatrical, uber-confident types. I'm not interested in excavations. Nothing against him --- it was a case of no rapport, no patience on my part and the fact that we met on Craigslist, which, as I have long suspected, says something about one's confidence level and/or inability to get a date by, like, picking someone up at the library. (I hear this happens a lot. I've never seen it or had it happen to me, though.)
The date: Frickin' awesome. I had a blast. I've never done improv comedy, or theater games (despite being something of a theater nerd) or anything like that. It was wicked fun. I sucked, but it was cool anyway 'cause as far as I can tell no one cared. And better than that... there were theater people there!
Theater people are loud, interesting, witty, kinesthetic and awesome. In short, they are exactly my kind of people, and they are exactly the people I was despairing of ever meeting on this campus. They know how to play, make friends instantly and are comfortable in their own skins... which is pretty much the polar opposite of most people here.
So that was great. I'm going back next week, which will tie into another long-term experiment/project. (I'm beginning to think "experiments" is the wrong word for what I'm doing here... it's more like "experiences.")
What I learned:
What I learned is something I'd forgotten. You have more fun when you get out there, just for the sake of getting out there. I didn't actually think the group was going to be any good. I didn't know whether it was a performance or a workshop. I didn't know much about it and didn't actually want to go... knowing that I was going to write about it was the only thing that kept me from completely flaking.
Try this:
1. Skip Craigslist. Seriously. The ads on there are pathetic and hilarious for a reason. Meeting through a Wanted Ad is no way to meet... there's no room to build rapport, discover if there's chemistry or even get an inkling if you like the person, and if you build up your hopes, you're going to end up one depressed ducky.
2. Go out and do something. I don't care what. I don't care where. I don't care if other people are involved or if you're alone. I don't care if it's good or lame. Just go do something you've never done. What's something you've been meaning to go to or try for a while? Go do it. This week.
3. Keep doing it. I used to be really good at this. I'd go to a new club or association every week. I met foreign students, aspiring pilots, math majors celebrating Pi Day (dang good party, too), anime nuts, jazz musicians, and a million other awesome people. I stopped for a while for who knows what reason, but I'm starting up again. It's so worth it.4. Wander out of your comfort zone. I suck at improv comedy. It was fun anyway. I suck at math. Pi Day was a blast anyway. I don't like asking favors of strangers. I asked anyway and got to go under the stage of Macbeth and see how half the tech aspects of the show were run. It's uncomfortable and scary, even in the little things. I know that. But a lot of my coolest memories come from getting out of the comfort zone.
(Note: this is easier if you have a safe place you can go back to. A loving home, a laptop with Star Trek and nachos, a beloved potted plant... whatever it is, just have something secure and accepting to go back to, otherwise all this getting-out-of-the-comfort-zone can kinda freak you out.)
Final notes:
Morals of the story:
1) Friends don't let friends date on Craigslist
2) However, Craigslist does host more than sex maniacs, homicidal creeps and bitter gun advocates... sometimes they're just nice, reserved people who aren't the type to Go Out And Meet People
3) Sometimes the silver lining is way bigger than the cloud
4) Improv comedy is fun
5) So is getting out of your comfort zone for a few hours with fun, accepting people
6) Getting out of your apartment once in a while is a beautiful thing... and sometimes you'll even get your homework done anyway
Friday, February 26, 2010
Personality Types
I love personality quizzes. It's fascinating how the infinite complexity of human beings can be distilled into a series of types without those humans losing any of their uniqueness. Below are some good ones I've found.
Future posts will take this a step further into the mystical exploring horoscopes, graphology and iridology, all of which have been frequently called "nonsense" but may provide some fun insights anyway. After all, this is personal development... there're no rules here!
Post your results in the comments if you'd care to share... I'm intrigued to see what ya'll are, and, more importantly, if you agree.
Jung Typology Test
This test is similar to the Myers-Briggs, the main difference as far as I can tell being that you don't have to pay for this one. I got the same result as I have with other longer Jung typology tests, but this one is shorter and easier to understand.
My result:
INTJ (slightly expressed introvert, distinctively expressed intuitive personality, moderately expressed thinking personality, moderately expressed judging personality)
For more information on your results, visit TypeLogic.
The Color Code
This test sorts people into four colors, each of which has a dominant trait associated with it. There's red (power), yellow (fun), blue (relationships) and white (peace). It's unique in that it asks you to answer these questions according to how you were as a child. The free version of the test will tell you your dominant color but not the percentages of the other colors. For the full report, it's something like $40, or you can get the book.
WARNING: You have to supply your email address, then go check your email to activate your account and get the link to your results. May not sound like much but I hate extra steps.
My result:
Reds (Motive: Power) (43.13%)
Reds are motivated by Power. They seek productivity and need to look good to others. Simply stated, Reds want their own way. They like to be in the driver's seat and willingly pay the price to be in a leadership role. Reds value whatever gets them ahead in life, whether it be in their careers, school endeavors, or personal life. What Reds value, they get done. They are often workaholics. They will, however, resist doing anything that doesn't interest them.
(This, by the way, is all true.)
The Enneagram Test
Again, this is the free version. There are roughly a billion questions but they made sense so it went quickly. The Enneagram test links you to one of nine numbers, each of which correspond to a personality type. The results are pretty darn accurate if mine are anything to go by. (Except the intellectualism-to-cover-insecurity thing. I get all intellectual so I don't get bored.)
My result:
You are most likely a type 5: The Investigator.
Taking wings into account, you seem to be a 5w4. [5w4 means 5, with a "wing," or secondary type of 4]
The Color Quiz
Not to be confused with The Color Code, The Color Quiz is less of a personality indicator and more of a current mood indicator. It's a lot of fun, even if it does get its genders mixed up sometimes.
My results:
Not posting them as it's a rather large chunk of text and it'll change in twenty minutes anyway. Check it out for yourself; it's cool.
Future posts will take this a step further into the mystical exploring horoscopes, graphology and iridology, all of which have been frequently called "nonsense" but may provide some fun insights anyway. After all, this is personal development... there're no rules here!
Post your results in the comments if you'd care to share... I'm intrigued to see what ya'll are, and, more importantly, if you agree.
Jung Typology Test
This test is similar to the Myers-Briggs, the main difference as far as I can tell being that you don't have to pay for this one. I got the same result as I have with other longer Jung typology tests, but this one is shorter and easier to understand.
My result:
INTJ (slightly expressed introvert, distinctively expressed intuitive personality, moderately expressed thinking personality, moderately expressed judging personality)
For more information on your results, visit TypeLogic.
The Color Code
This test sorts people into four colors, each of which has a dominant trait associated with it. There's red (power), yellow (fun), blue (relationships) and white (peace). It's unique in that it asks you to answer these questions according to how you were as a child. The free version of the test will tell you your dominant color but not the percentages of the other colors. For the full report, it's something like $40, or you can get the book.
WARNING: You have to supply your email address, then go check your email to activate your account and get the link to your results. May not sound like much but I hate extra steps.
My result:
Reds (Motive: Power) (43.13%)
Reds are motivated by Power. They seek productivity and need to look good to others. Simply stated, Reds want their own way. They like to be in the driver's seat and willingly pay the price to be in a leadership role. Reds value whatever gets them ahead in life, whether it be in their careers, school endeavors, or personal life. What Reds value, they get done. They are often workaholics. They will, however, resist doing anything that doesn't interest them.
(This, by the way, is all true.)
The Enneagram Test
Again, this is the free version. There are roughly a billion questions but they made sense so it went quickly. The Enneagram test links you to one of nine numbers, each of which correspond to a personality type. The results are pretty darn accurate if mine are anything to go by. (Except the intellectualism-to-cover-insecurity thing. I get all intellectual so I don't get bored.)
My result:
You are most likely a type 5: The Investigator.
Taking wings into account, you seem to be a 5w4. [5w4 means 5, with a "wing," or secondary type of 4]
The Color Quiz
Not to be confused with The Color Code, The Color Quiz is less of a personality indicator and more of a current mood indicator. It's a lot of fun, even if it does get its genders mixed up sometimes.
My results:
Not posting them as it's a rather large chunk of text and it'll change in twenty minutes anyway. Check it out for yourself; it's cool.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Recommended Reading
Having satisfied most of my personal development/self-improvement cravings with books since I was, like, nine, I thought I'd share a few of my favorites with you. Click through the links to see the book on Amazon. This is by no means an exhaustive list --- it's just a handful of the useful and memorable ones.
The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. Fantastic book on rediscovering your creative self. It's a bit New Age at times, but if you don't mind that (or, better yet, enjoy it) this is a great read. It's full of great ideas, artistic tools and projects and is equally applicable to the painter, the writer, the blogger, the insert-your-hobby-and/or-profession-here-er.
Also, this book has given me this deep and abiding love of New Mexico, despite the fact that I've never been there and am not big on hot climates. But hey, she says it's good for writers!
Yes Man by Danny Wallace is probably one of the funniest books I have ever read. It will have you LOLing in real life. And on top of that, it's incredibly life-affirming and inspirational. You can't help but be a more enthusiastic person for having read it.
You may have seen the movie. This is better. By at least 10,000 times. It's... well, it's genius, and it's more genius because it's nonfiction. This guy is for real. He said yes to every opportunity that came his way... then won the lotto, lost the lotto, flew across the continent, had a trippy shroom experience, met another Yes Man, and, of course, fell in love.
Brilliant.
Wishcraft by Barbara Sher is the ultimate self-help book, in that it actually helps. If you, like me, have read a lot of self-help books and started to realize that they are all saying the same not-very-practical things, this is something you'll want to check out. It's about finding what you want and then taking steps to get it. Not psychoanalyzing endlessly, not repeating affirmations for four hours a day, not magically deciding to be joyous. Taking steps. It's a breath of fresh air, and it's a fun read besides.
Happy for No Reason by Marci Shimoff is a fairly straightforward nonfic book on the science behind happiness. It talks about biological causes, what role your decisions play, what causes happiness, what is statistically associated with happiness... basically, it's a fascinating and informative book about what it takes to be happy and why we should bother.
The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. Fantastic book on rediscovering your creative self. It's a bit New Age at times, but if you don't mind that (or, better yet, enjoy it) this is a great read. It's full of great ideas, artistic tools and projects and is equally applicable to the painter, the writer, the blogger, the insert-your-hobby-and/or-profession-here-er.
Also, this book has given me this deep and abiding love of New Mexico, despite the fact that I've never been there and am not big on hot climates. But hey, she says it's good for writers!
Yes Man by Danny Wallace is probably one of the funniest books I have ever read. It will have you LOLing in real life. And on top of that, it's incredibly life-affirming and inspirational. You can't help but be a more enthusiastic person for having read it.
You may have seen the movie. This is better. By at least 10,000 times. It's... well, it's genius, and it's more genius because it's nonfiction. This guy is for real. He said yes to every opportunity that came his way... then won the lotto, lost the lotto, flew across the continent, had a trippy shroom experience, met another Yes Man, and, of course, fell in love.
Brilliant.
Wishcraft by Barbara Sher is the ultimate self-help book, in that it actually helps. If you, like me, have read a lot of self-help books and started to realize that they are all saying the same not-very-practical things, this is something you'll want to check out. It's about finding what you want and then taking steps to get it. Not psychoanalyzing endlessly, not repeating affirmations for four hours a day, not magically deciding to be joyous. Taking steps. It's a breath of fresh air, and it's a fun read besides.
Happy for No Reason by Marci Shimoff is a fairly straightforward nonfic book on the science behind happiness. It talks about biological causes, what role your decisions play, what causes happiness, what is statistically associated with happiness... basically, it's a fascinating and informative book about what it takes to be happy and why we should bother.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Pardon my Enthusiasm! - Emily (Corpse Bride)
I think of enthusiasm as the opposite of coolness and adolescence is a turning point for this. - Adam Savage
True dat.
I was thinking about this earlier today. As previously mentioned, I am socially awkward a lot of the time. And I'm pretty darn okay with it, because that awkwardness comes from enthusiasm, intellectualism, being engaged, not putting limits on my experience of the moment and being honest about my reactions.
And then, I stumbled upon this quote on The Glass Is Too Big, and I experienced a brief moment of synchronicitous love.
Go out. Be enthusiastic. Being cool is lame. Have you ever met someone you absolutely loved who was cool and apathetic? Because I can't think of one. Passion is so much more interesting than some film of controlled nonchalance.
True dat.
I was thinking about this earlier today. As previously mentioned, I am socially awkward a lot of the time. And I'm pretty darn okay with it, because that awkwardness comes from enthusiasm, intellectualism, being engaged, not putting limits on my experience of the moment and being honest about my reactions.
And then, I stumbled upon this quote on The Glass Is Too Big, and I experienced a brief moment of synchronicitous love.
Go out. Be enthusiastic. Being cool is lame. Have you ever met someone you absolutely loved who was cool and apathetic? Because I can't think of one. Passion is so much more interesting than some film of controlled nonchalance.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Question(s)
How can I make this blog more relevant to you?
I find when I'm reading other people's blogs I get tired when they get long-winded and intensely detailed, mostly because at that point I find they stop being relevant to me. And blogs should be about the reader.
So, in terms of experiments, personal development, personality exploration, etc., what would you like to see? What do you want to know more about? Kokology? Personality types? I'm going to keep with the experiments, but in terms of that... what do you think would be interesting? What have you found most interesting so far? (Let's face it, I need structure and feedback, otherwise it just becomes a journal and I already keep one of those.)
I find when I'm reading other people's blogs I get tired when they get long-winded and intensely detailed, mostly because at that point I find they stop being relevant to me. And blogs should be about the reader.
So, in terms of experiments, personal development, personality exploration, etc., what would you like to see? What do you want to know more about? Kokology? Personality types? I'm going to keep with the experiments, but in terms of that... what do you think would be interesting? What have you found most interesting so far? (Let's face it, I need structure and feedback, otherwise it just becomes a journal and I already keep one of those.)
Monday, February 15, 2010
About Me. How trite.
This post is going to be self-indulgent narcissism. I had two experiences lately that made me think it was necessary. Read on if you care, don't feel bad if you don't.
First, I heard through a reliable grapevine that someone I know had said that they know me "maybe a little too well." This was surprising, as I don't feel they know me particularly well; I don't think I've ever even had a truly honest/vulnerable discussion with them. (We won't go into the concept of knowing a person "too well" right now. I find it cynical.) Second, through another reliable grapevine source (what's that, a grape?) I was told that a close friend said they feel like they don't know anything about me. It was surprising at first, but really, I get it. I totally get it.
It may not be apparent through this blog, but in real life, I don't talk a lot about myself. I'm not a total recluse, of course. I converse, I express opinions, I hug people absurdly much. But I don't talk about me. I click "Don't Post" when I take Facebook quizzes because I don't want to clutter up anyone's Wall and I feel obnoxious when I start saying things like, "I'm the kind of person that [whatever]," because it's a freaking verbal tic for some people. And I'm not especially predictable. (By which I mean I'm weird, dudes. One of my most cherished dreams is to attend a Star Trek convention in totally screen-accurate clothing, I get legitimately depressed when I don't have a cat and I think the thing where you can measure the distance you've walked in terms of Middle Earth is brilliant.)
What with one thing and another, I guess this has led to odd conceptions about me.
So here it is. This is stuff you might not know that you should. It won't be comprehensive and it may be spastic, because this is hard for me to explain... I'm acutely self-aware and wordy, so me explaining me is kind of like an engineering genius trying to explain some basic principle. It just gets awkward. And really, how much can you learn from a "Tell me about yourself"? Does anyone know how to answer that?
1. I am deeply codependent. While I mostly consider myself an independent, self-sufficient woman, I would not be okay without my best friend and parents. My best friend is currently on a mission and I have been kind of turning into jelly without her. I honestly don't know what to do with myself now that she's not with me all the time. Seriously. It's freaking me out. And though I can function without my parents (they did their jobs well), I'd rather not. They're ridiculously cool people and I'd feel like less of myself if they weren't around.
2. On a similar note, my parents are one of my top priorities in life. Granted, they're not perfect and they've done some stuff I disagree with, but ultimately, they're number one. I may be playing number one right now, begging them for money and calling every five minutes with some question I should know the answer to, and I'll eventually move away and create my own life... but if something comes up, they're the most important.
3. My long-term relationship deal breakers are: 1) Cat allergies/hatred, 2) Willingness to live near my family when we have kids, 3) Understanding of marriage as a fluid, egalitarian partnership that requires extensive adaptation, 4) Interest in things other than me. (I am not a romantic and I don't want to marry one.) Most important personality traits are confidence (confidence! confidence! confidence! not arrogance!), humor (in terms of both "sense of humor" and "good humor"), intelligence/education (both required) and honesty (probably not radical honesty, but I want to be able to go, "Wow, that woman has gorgeous legs" and him to go, "Yeah, doesn't she?").
4. This may be a shock, but I do have "a relationship" on my mental horizons. However, between you and me, it's going to be a long time coming. I just don't have time or patience for meeting and flirting and dating and trying to navigate all that crap right now. Actually, I probably won't ever have time for it. If there is a great guy for me, we're either going to have to fall into a very natural, confident friendship that can develop from there or God's going to have to drop him on my head like a piano. I don't believe in dating: it sets up all sorts of ridiculous expectations and societal norms and standards when really, I just want to dive into getting to know someone who strikes me as outrageously cool, and if we end up making out later, well, didn't that work out nicely? And it's incredibly hard to find a guy I'm into. But yeah, like everyone else, I daydream about finding Mr. Awesome and making gorgeous babies together and living in a farmhouse with an orchard out back and home schooling my kids and raising frogs just for kicks and having about a thousand cats and dogs in the barn and the wickedest tree house ever and a gargantuan library all less than an hour's drive from a large city. (Okay, so maybe my daydreams aren't quite like everyone else's. But they rock.)
5. I don't feel lukewarm about people. Ever. People relevant to my life, that is... people living in Azerbaijan don't really spark a response other than "Wow! Like, Azerbaijan!" But people I know, I either love love love love love or I HATE, and there is nothing in between. A couple people hover back and forth between the columns, but there is no neutral ground. I don't like or dislike; if I like you I might as well love you. If I dislike you, I wouldn't care if you fell off a cliff, except maybe to reflect for a moment on the frailty of the mortal condition. This horrid coldness aside, I love far more people than I hate and I love a lot of people other people can't stand. This no-lukewarm-affections thing causes a lot of problems with people's girlfriends. Those girlfriends need to get over it. (Note to world: "love deeply" and "will try to get into the heart and/or pants of" are two different things. Separate them. Philia, agape, yes! Eros, no! For serious.)
6. Jane Eyre is my favorite novel. "Vem Kan Segla" is my favorite song. Jane Eyre is obvious; it's brilliant and complex and addicting. "Vem Kan Segla" is not, but I won't tell you why I love it.
7. I am mostly Mormon, partially agnostic, slightly Buddhist and slightly nature-centric (though not inasfar as it involves mosquitos). I see no discrepancy in any of this and find people resolutely committed to one belief system to be a little bit frightening. I am mostly Mormon because Mormonism makes a crazy amount of sense (seriously, study it; it's brilliant), agnostic because I don't think you can really know no matter how much you believe, Buddhist because Buddhism produces the results I expect from other faiths, and nature-centric because there's nothing that stirs my blood quite as much as doing dances to the sun gods.
8. I have very screwed-up views/feelings regarding men. This is odd, because my dad is an amazing guy who I respect enormously, I have pretty cool granddads, I like all of my uncles and a ton of my cousins are exactly what I think men should be. Tracing back, however, I can also point the blame to a few verifiable creeps the women in my family have dated or been married to (all divorced now, huzzah!) and a few verifiable creeps I have dated. (I attract creeps. It's uncanny. And I don't know how I'm doing it.) It's a horrible continuing cycle and I'm trying to overcome it, but it's a constant challenge.
9. I rarely notice how I'm feeling emotionally until I have physical symptoms. I'll be feeling great about how well I'm handling a stressful situation, and then in a calm moment, I'll have a panic attack (which, by the way, suck). Or I'll think I'm coping pretty well and then I'll start gaining weight, which is a signal that something's not right (normally it's like, "Hm. I think losing an inch might be nice" and it's gone the next morning. Yes, I realize how fantastic that is). Or I'll rise to an occasion and then the second the weekend hits I'm in bed with the flu. And then, when that happens, I'll go, "Oh. You know, I was kinda stressed about that one thing." I've been working on this the past year, and though now I can tell you how I'm feeling most of the time, I still get the physical symptoms if I don't nip stuff in the bud. It's half awful and half convenient.
10. I am basically a secure person. I have no body image issues. I know you don't believe that, but seriously, my biggest thing is the fact that I don't like how dry my cuticles get in the winter. I know I'm smart, I know I'm socially awkward sometimes but most of the people I really like are socially awkward so I don't care, I know I can fake poise when I need to, I know I'm a thinker, I know I have faults but I'm okay with most of them, I know I can be sexy when I want to (though I usually don't), I know a lot of people who love me, I know I'm capable of a lot, I know I'm creative and I know that I've got a bright future. This doesn't mean I don't have insecurities. My gut twists up in knots when people read my creative writing (Little Princess about killed me) and I rarely tell people about things that matter deeply to me emotionally (see "Vem Kan Segla" above). But other than that... it's all good. I know I'm cool, I know you're cool... so why is half the world spending their lives talking down on themselves?
11. The "I rarely tell people about things that matter deeply to me emotionally" thing above is because I know you won't get it. Usually whenever I try to open up about stuff that means a lot to me with other people, they don't get it. Either don't understand it or they don't appreciate it, and you have to do both. I'd rather keep it all to myself forever than try and share it with someone who doesn't understand how sparkling and magical it is, because holding it to the light in a bad environment is like trying to keep something precious out in the elements. It won't stay beautiful if it's exposed. I don't mean this as a value judgment or condemnation --- we all have different perspectives and what is holding my world down could mean nothing to you. But unless it will, I'd rather just keep it to myself.
12. I hate it when people invade my space. People dropping by without calling once in a while is cool, whatever, but people who consistently do this who aren't close friends tick me off. (Which means this will be irrelevant to most of the people reading this blog.) People who touch my computer tick me off. People who ask to borrow my pens... I hate people who borrow my pens. (Does no one but me get how personal pens are? They're like... familiars.) I hate it when people pry about personal subjects, even if they're coming from an understanding standpoint. (Prying and asking are two different things. Asking is okay. Asking after I've said no or throwing labels like "good" or "bad" or "appropriate" at me is not.)
13. "Appropriate" is my least favorite word in the English language. It's usually tossed around by people who are so scared of being inappropriate that they feel the need to shut down everyone around them. Those people can go jump off a cliff. (Please see 5.) Unfortunately, I'm occasionally one of them. (Not quite Emerson yet. But someday...)
14. If I don't write a lot, my brain gets clogged and my brain stops being awesome. Not necessarily even creative writing or journaling. It can be writing the same word on a page over and over, or song lyrics. But I have to write something every day.
15. I get a huge kick out of being professional. I really love being cool and professional with difficult people, and rising to the occasion miraculously for customers and going the extra mile for people. I also love being calm in a crisis and handling insane situations like they're nothing. It's such a rush. Probably a power rush, which makes the motive less than pure... but everyone benefits, so I don't really care.
16. I. Miss. The. Ocean. So much. I love huge scenery, not because I want to conquer it (I know that a lot of people get a thrill from that, but I have zero desire to defy nature or my own physical limits... it's cool and all but it doesn't nourish me) but because I love to sit and be aware of its supremacy. And the ocean is the hugest scenery there is, and it's always moving and it's a mystery and it's powerful and I know I'm nothing up against it. I love that, maybe because I feel like such a match for everything else in life.
And... I'm really just rambling here... there's a lot more but you're probably bored (or didn't get this far). People are essentially self-centered, which is why it kinda surprised me that anyone cared how well they knew me at all. Again, I don't mean that as condemnation; it's just the way we're wired, and it's cool. It's human. I like human.
First, I heard through a reliable grapevine that someone I know had said that they know me "maybe a little too well." This was surprising, as I don't feel they know me particularly well; I don't think I've ever even had a truly honest/vulnerable discussion with them. (We won't go into the concept of knowing a person "too well" right now. I find it cynical.) Second, through another reliable grapevine source (what's that, a grape?) I was told that a close friend said they feel like they don't know anything about me. It was surprising at first, but really, I get it. I totally get it.
It may not be apparent through this blog, but in real life, I don't talk a lot about myself. I'm not a total recluse, of course. I converse, I express opinions, I hug people absurdly much. But I don't talk about me. I click "Don't Post" when I take Facebook quizzes because I don't want to clutter up anyone's Wall and I feel obnoxious when I start saying things like, "I'm the kind of person that [whatever]," because it's a freaking verbal tic for some people. And I'm not especially predictable. (By which I mean I'm weird, dudes. One of my most cherished dreams is to attend a Star Trek convention in totally screen-accurate clothing, I get legitimately depressed when I don't have a cat and I think the thing where you can measure the distance you've walked in terms of Middle Earth is brilliant.)
What with one thing and another, I guess this has led to odd conceptions about me.
So here it is. This is stuff you might not know that you should. It won't be comprehensive and it may be spastic, because this is hard for me to explain... I'm acutely self-aware and wordy, so me explaining me is kind of like an engineering genius trying to explain some basic principle. It just gets awkward. And really, how much can you learn from a "Tell me about yourself"? Does anyone know how to answer that?
1. I am deeply codependent. While I mostly consider myself an independent, self-sufficient woman, I would not be okay without my best friend and parents. My best friend is currently on a mission and I have been kind of turning into jelly without her. I honestly don't know what to do with myself now that she's not with me all the time. Seriously. It's freaking me out. And though I can function without my parents (they did their jobs well), I'd rather not. They're ridiculously cool people and I'd feel like less of myself if they weren't around.
2. On a similar note, my parents are one of my top priorities in life. Granted, they're not perfect and they've done some stuff I disagree with, but ultimately, they're number one. I may be playing number one right now, begging them for money and calling every five minutes with some question I should know the answer to, and I'll eventually move away and create my own life... but if something comes up, they're the most important.
3. My long-term relationship deal breakers are: 1) Cat allergies/hatred, 2) Willingness to live near my family when we have kids, 3) Understanding of marriage as a fluid, egalitarian partnership that requires extensive adaptation, 4) Interest in things other than me. (I am not a romantic and I don't want to marry one.) Most important personality traits are confidence (confidence! confidence! confidence! not arrogance!), humor (in terms of both "sense of humor" and "good humor"), intelligence/education (both required) and honesty (probably not radical honesty, but I want to be able to go, "Wow, that woman has gorgeous legs" and him to go, "Yeah, doesn't she?").
4. This may be a shock, but I do have "a relationship" on my mental horizons. However, between you and me, it's going to be a long time coming. I just don't have time or patience for meeting and flirting and dating and trying to navigate all that crap right now. Actually, I probably won't ever have time for it. If there is a great guy for me, we're either going to have to fall into a very natural, confident friendship that can develop from there or God's going to have to drop him on my head like a piano. I don't believe in dating: it sets up all sorts of ridiculous expectations and societal norms and standards when really, I just want to dive into getting to know someone who strikes me as outrageously cool, and if we end up making out later, well, didn't that work out nicely? And it's incredibly hard to find a guy I'm into. But yeah, like everyone else, I daydream about finding Mr. Awesome and making gorgeous babies together and living in a farmhouse with an orchard out back and home schooling my kids and raising frogs just for kicks and having about a thousand cats and dogs in the barn and the wickedest tree house ever and a gargantuan library all less than an hour's drive from a large city. (Okay, so maybe my daydreams aren't quite like everyone else's. But they rock.)
5. I don't feel lukewarm about people. Ever. People relevant to my life, that is... people living in Azerbaijan don't really spark a response other than "Wow! Like, Azerbaijan!" But people I know, I either love love love love love or I HATE, and there is nothing in between. A couple people hover back and forth between the columns, but there is no neutral ground. I don't like or dislike; if I like you I might as well love you. If I dislike you, I wouldn't care if you fell off a cliff, except maybe to reflect for a moment on the frailty of the mortal condition. This horrid coldness aside, I love far more people than I hate and I love a lot of people other people can't stand. This no-lukewarm-affections thing causes a lot of problems with people's girlfriends. Those girlfriends need to get over it. (Note to world: "love deeply" and "will try to get into the heart and/or pants of" are two different things. Separate them. Philia, agape, yes! Eros, no! For serious.)
6. Jane Eyre is my favorite novel. "Vem Kan Segla" is my favorite song. Jane Eyre is obvious; it's brilliant and complex and addicting. "Vem Kan Segla" is not, but I won't tell you why I love it.
7. I am mostly Mormon, partially agnostic, slightly Buddhist and slightly nature-centric (though not inasfar as it involves mosquitos). I see no discrepancy in any of this and find people resolutely committed to one belief system to be a little bit frightening. I am mostly Mormon because Mormonism makes a crazy amount of sense (seriously, study it; it's brilliant), agnostic because I don't think you can really know no matter how much you believe, Buddhist because Buddhism produces the results I expect from other faiths, and nature-centric because there's nothing that stirs my blood quite as much as doing dances to the sun gods.
8. I have very screwed-up views/feelings regarding men. This is odd, because my dad is an amazing guy who I respect enormously, I have pretty cool granddads, I like all of my uncles and a ton of my cousins are exactly what I think men should be. Tracing back, however, I can also point the blame to a few verifiable creeps the women in my family have dated or been married to (all divorced now, huzzah!) and a few verifiable creeps I have dated. (I attract creeps. It's uncanny. And I don't know how I'm doing it.) It's a horrible continuing cycle and I'm trying to overcome it, but it's a constant challenge.
9. I rarely notice how I'm feeling emotionally until I have physical symptoms. I'll be feeling great about how well I'm handling a stressful situation, and then in a calm moment, I'll have a panic attack (which, by the way, suck). Or I'll think I'm coping pretty well and then I'll start gaining weight, which is a signal that something's not right (normally it's like, "Hm. I think losing an inch might be nice" and it's gone the next morning. Yes, I realize how fantastic that is). Or I'll rise to an occasion and then the second the weekend hits I'm in bed with the flu. And then, when that happens, I'll go, "Oh. You know, I was kinda stressed about that one thing." I've been working on this the past year, and though now I can tell you how I'm feeling most of the time, I still get the physical symptoms if I don't nip stuff in the bud. It's half awful and half convenient.
10. I am basically a secure person. I have no body image issues. I know you don't believe that, but seriously, my biggest thing is the fact that I don't like how dry my cuticles get in the winter. I know I'm smart, I know I'm socially awkward sometimes but most of the people I really like are socially awkward so I don't care, I know I can fake poise when I need to, I know I'm a thinker, I know I have faults but I'm okay with most of them, I know I can be sexy when I want to (though I usually don't), I know a lot of people who love me, I know I'm capable of a lot, I know I'm creative and I know that I've got a bright future. This doesn't mean I don't have insecurities. My gut twists up in knots when people read my creative writing (Little Princess about killed me) and I rarely tell people about things that matter deeply to me emotionally (see "Vem Kan Segla" above). But other than that... it's all good. I know I'm cool, I know you're cool... so why is half the world spending their lives talking down on themselves?
11. The "I rarely tell people about things that matter deeply to me emotionally" thing above is because I know you won't get it. Usually whenever I try to open up about stuff that means a lot to me with other people, they don't get it. Either don't understand it or they don't appreciate it, and you have to do both. I'd rather keep it all to myself forever than try and share it with someone who doesn't understand how sparkling and magical it is, because holding it to the light in a bad environment is like trying to keep something precious out in the elements. It won't stay beautiful if it's exposed. I don't mean this as a value judgment or condemnation --- we all have different perspectives and what is holding my world down could mean nothing to you. But unless it will, I'd rather just keep it to myself.
12. I hate it when people invade my space. People dropping by without calling once in a while is cool, whatever, but people who consistently do this who aren't close friends tick me off. (Which means this will be irrelevant to most of the people reading this blog.) People who touch my computer tick me off. People who ask to borrow my pens... I hate people who borrow my pens. (Does no one but me get how personal pens are? They're like... familiars.) I hate it when people pry about personal subjects, even if they're coming from an understanding standpoint. (Prying and asking are two different things. Asking is okay. Asking after I've said no or throwing labels like "good" or "bad" or "appropriate" at me is not.)
13. "Appropriate" is my least favorite word in the English language. It's usually tossed around by people who are so scared of being inappropriate that they feel the need to shut down everyone around them. Those people can go jump off a cliff. (Please see 5.) Unfortunately, I'm occasionally one of them. (Not quite Emerson yet. But someday...)
14. If I don't write a lot, my brain gets clogged and my brain stops being awesome. Not necessarily even creative writing or journaling. It can be writing the same word on a page over and over, or song lyrics. But I have to write something every day.
15. I get a huge kick out of being professional. I really love being cool and professional with difficult people, and rising to the occasion miraculously for customers and going the extra mile for people. I also love being calm in a crisis and handling insane situations like they're nothing. It's such a rush. Probably a power rush, which makes the motive less than pure... but everyone benefits, so I don't really care.
16. I. Miss. The. Ocean. So much. I love huge scenery, not because I want to conquer it (I know that a lot of people get a thrill from that, but I have zero desire to defy nature or my own physical limits... it's cool and all but it doesn't nourish me) but because I love to sit and be aware of its supremacy. And the ocean is the hugest scenery there is, and it's always moving and it's a mystery and it's powerful and I know I'm nothing up against it. I love that, maybe because I feel like such a match for everything else in life.
And... I'm really just rambling here... there's a lot more but you're probably bored (or didn't get this far). People are essentially self-centered, which is why it kinda surprised me that anyone cared how well they knew me at all. Again, I don't mean that as condemnation; it's just the way we're wired, and it's cool. It's human. I like human.
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