About Me. How trite.

     This post is going to be self-indulgent narcissism. I had two experiences lately that made me think it was necessary. Read on if you care, don't feel bad if you don't. 


     First, I heard through a reliable grapevine that someone I know had said that they know me "maybe a little too well." This was surprising, as I don't feel they know me particularly well; I don't think I've ever even had a truly honest/vulnerable discussion with them. (We won't go into the concept of knowing a person "too well" right now. I find it cynical.) Second, through another reliable grapevine source (what's that, a grape?) I was told that a close friend said they feel like they don't know anything about me. It was surprising at first, but really, I get it. I totally get it.


     It may not be apparent through this blog, but in real life, I don't talk a lot about myself. I'm not a total recluse, of course. I converse, I express opinions, I hug people absurdly much. But I don't talk about me. I click "Don't Post" when I take Facebook quizzes because I don't want to clutter up anyone's Wall and I feel obnoxious when I start saying things like, "I'm the kind of person that [whatever]," because it's a freaking verbal tic for some people. And I'm not especially predictable. (By which I mean I'm weird, dudes. One of my most cherished dreams is to attend a Star Trek convention in totally screen-accurate clothing, I get legitimately depressed when I don't have a cat and I think the thing where you can measure the distance you've walked in terms of Middle Earth is brilliant.) 


     What with one thing and another, I guess this has led to odd conceptions about me.


     So here it is. This is stuff you might not know that you should. It won't be comprehensive and it may be spastic, because this is hard for me to explain... I'm acutely self-aware and wordy, so me explaining me is kind of like an engineering genius trying to explain some basic principle. It just gets awkward. And really, how much can you learn from a "Tell me about yourself"? Does anyone know how to answer that?

1. I am deeply codependent. While I mostly consider myself an independent, self-sufficient woman, I would not be okay without my best friend and parents. My best friend is currently on a mission and I have been kind of turning into jelly without her. I honestly don't know what to do with myself now that she's not with me all the time. Seriously. It's freaking me out. And though I can function without my parents (they did their jobs well), I'd rather not. They're ridiculously cool people and I'd feel like less of myself if they weren't around.

2. On a similar note, my parents are one of my top priorities in life. Granted, they're not perfect and they've done some stuff I disagree with, but ultimately, they're number one. I may be playing number one right now, begging them for money and calling every five minutes with some question I should know the answer to, and I'll eventually move away and create my own life... but if something comes up, they're the most important.

3. My long-term relationship deal breakers are: 1) Cat allergies/hatred, 2) Willingness to live near my family when we have kids, 3) Understanding of marriage as a fluid, egalitarian partnership that requires extensive adaptation, 4) Interest in things other than me. (I am not a romantic and I don't want to marry one.) Most important personality traits are confidence (confidence! confidence! confidence! not arrogance!), humor (in terms of both "sense of humor" and "good humor"), intelligence/education (both required) and honesty (probably not radical honesty, but I want to be able to go, "Wow, that woman has gorgeous legs" and him to go, "Yeah, doesn't she?").

4. This may be a shock, but I do have "a relationship" on my mental horizons. However, between you and me, it's going to be a long time coming. I just don't have time or patience for meeting and flirting and dating and trying to navigate all that crap right now. Actually, I probably won't ever have time for it. If there is a great guy for me, we're either going to have to fall into a very natural, confident friendship that can develop from there or God's going to have to drop him on my head like a piano. I don't believe in dating: it sets up all sorts of ridiculous expectations and societal norms and standards when really, I just want to dive into getting to know someone who strikes me as outrageously cool, and if we end up making out later, well, didn't that work out nicely? And it's incredibly hard to find a guy I'm into. But yeah, like everyone else, I daydream about finding Mr. Awesome and making gorgeous babies together and living in a farmhouse with an orchard out back and home schooling my kids and raising frogs just for kicks and having about a thousand cats and dogs in the barn and the wickedest tree house ever and a gargantuan library all less than an hour's drive from a large city. (Okay, so maybe my daydreams aren't quite like everyone else's. But they rock.)

5. I don't feel lukewarm about people. Ever. People relevant to my life, that is... people living in Azerbaijan don't really spark a response other than "Wow! Like, Azerbaijan!" But people I know, I either love love love love love or I HATE, and there is nothing in between. A couple people hover back and forth between the columns, but there is no neutral ground. I don't like or dislike; if I like you I might as well love you. If I dislike you, I wouldn't care if you fell off a cliff, except maybe to reflect for a moment on the frailty of the mortal condition. This horrid coldness aside, I love far more people than I hate and I love a lot of people other people can't stand. This no-lukewarm-affections thing causes a lot of problems with people's girlfriends. Those girlfriends need to get over it. (Note to world: "love deeply" and "will try to get into the heart and/or pants of" are two different things. Separate them. Philia, agape, yes! Eros, no! For serious.)

6. Jane Eyre is my favorite novel. "Vem Kan Segla" is my favorite song. Jane Eyre is obvious; it's brilliant and complex and addicting. "Vem Kan Segla" is not, but I won't tell you why I love it.

7. I am mostly Mormon, partially agnostic, slightly Buddhist and slightly nature-centric (though not inasfar as it involves mosquitos). I see no discrepancy in any of this and find people resolutely committed to one belief system to be a little bit frightening. I am mostly Mormon because Mormonism makes a crazy amount of sense (seriously, study it; it's brilliant), agnostic because I don't think you can really know no matter how much you believe, Buddhist because Buddhism produces the results I expect from other faiths, and nature-centric because there's nothing that stirs my blood quite as much as doing dances to the sun gods.

8. I have very screwed-up views/feelings regarding men. This is odd, because my dad is an amazing guy who I respect enormously, I have pretty cool granddads, I like all of my uncles and a ton of my cousins are exactly what I think men should be. Tracing back, however, I can also point the blame to a few verifiable creeps the women in my family have dated or been married to (all divorced now, huzzah!) and a few verifiable creeps I have dated. (I attract creeps. It's uncanny. And I don't know how I'm doing it.) It's a horrible continuing cycle and I'm trying to overcome it, but it's a constant challenge.

9. I rarely notice how I'm feeling emotionally until I have physical symptoms. I'll be feeling great about how well I'm handling a stressful situation, and then in a calm moment, I'll have a panic attack (which, by the way, suck). Or I'll think I'm coping pretty well and then I'll start gaining weight, which is a signal that something's not right (normally it's like, "Hm. I think losing an inch might be nice" and it's gone the next morning. Yes, I realize how fantastic that is). Or I'll rise to an occasion and then the second the weekend hits I'm in bed with the flu. And then, when that happens, I'll go, "Oh. You know, I was kinda stressed about that one thing." I've been working on this the past year, and though now I can tell you how I'm feeling most of the time, I still get the physical symptoms if I don't nip stuff in the bud. It's half awful and half convenient.

10. I am basically a secure person. I have no body image issues. I know you don't believe that, but seriously, my biggest thing is the fact that I don't like how dry my cuticles get in the winter. I know I'm smart, I know I'm socially awkward sometimes but most of the people I really like are socially awkward so I don't care, I know I can fake poise when I need to, I know I'm a thinker, I know I have faults but I'm okay with most of them, I know I can be sexy when I want to (though I usually don't), I know a lot of people who love me, I know I'm capable of a lot, I know I'm creative and I know that I've got a bright future. This doesn't mean I don't have insecurities. My gut twists up in knots when people read my creative writing (Little Princess about killed me) and I rarely tell people about things that matter deeply to me emotionally (see "Vem Kan Segla" above). But other than that... it's all good. I know I'm cool, I know you're cool... so why is half the world spending their lives talking down on themselves?

11. The "I rarely tell people about things that matter deeply to me emotionally" thing above is because I know you won't get it. Usually whenever I try to open up about stuff that means a lot to me with other people, they don't get it. Either don't understand it or they don't appreciate it, and you have to do both. I'd rather keep it all to myself forever than try and share it with someone who doesn't understand how sparkling and magical it is, because holding it to the light in a bad environment is like trying to keep something precious out in the elements. It won't stay beautiful if it's exposed. I don't mean this as a value judgment or condemnation --- we all have different perspectives and what is holding my world down could mean nothing to you. But unless it will, I'd rather just keep it to myself.

12. I hate it when people invade my space. People dropping by without calling once in a while is cool, whatever, but people who consistently do this who aren't close friends tick me off. (Which means this will be irrelevant to most of the people reading this blog.) People who touch my computer tick me off. People who ask to borrow my pens... I hate people who borrow my pens. (Does no one but me get how personal pens are? They're like... familiars.) I hate it when people pry about personal subjects, even if they're coming from an understanding standpoint. (Prying and asking are two different things. Asking is okay. Asking after I've said no or throwing labels like "good" or "bad" or "appropriate" at me is not.)

13. "Appropriate" is my least favorite word in the English language. It's usually tossed around by people who are so scared of being inappropriate that they feel the need to shut down everyone around them. Those people can go jump off a cliff. (Please see 5.) Unfortunately, I'm occasionally one of them. (Not quite Emerson yet. But someday...)

14. If I don't write a lot, my brain gets clogged and my brain stops being awesome. Not necessarily even creative writing or journaling. It can be writing the same word on a page over and over, or song lyrics. But I have to write something every day.

15. I get a huge kick out of being professional. I really love being cool and professional with difficult people, and rising to the occasion miraculously for customers and going the extra mile for people. I also love being calm in a crisis and handling insane situations like they're nothing. It's such a rush. Probably a power rush, which makes the motive less than pure... but everyone benefits, so I don't really care.

16. I. Miss. The. Ocean. So much. I love huge scenery, not because I want to conquer it (I know that a lot of people get a thrill from that, but I have zero desire to defy nature or my own physical limits... it's cool and all but it doesn't nourish me) but because I love to sit and be aware of its supremacy. And the ocean is the hugest scenery there is, and it's always moving and it's a mystery and it's powerful and I know I'm nothing up against it. I love that, maybe because I feel like such a match for everything else in life.

And... I'm really just rambling here... there's a lot more but you're probably bored (or didn't get this far). People are essentially self-centered, which is why it kinda surprised me that anyone cared how well they knew me at all. Again, I don't mean that as condemnation; it's just the way we're wired, and it's cool. It's human. I like human.