Found two articles this week that gave me that "zing!" that lets me know I've hit on something truthful. Both beautiful and important... Check them out.
Top Five Regrets of the Dying (Link goes to the cached version; main site seems to be down.)
Lovely, meaningful article that echoes and condenses a lot of the best advice I've ever heard. Lining up quite well with my re-read of Finding Your Own North Star by Martha Beck, which is one of my favorite personal development books. Both worth checking out.
I'm Christian, Unless You're Gay
And this is just flat-up important. And made me cry. And by Dan Pearce, whose blog is awesome. “Oh, but you’re not gay? You’re clean, and well dressed, and you have a job? You look the way I think you should look? You act the way I think you should act? You believe the things I think you should believe? Then I’m definitely a Christian. To you, today, I’m a Christian. You’ve earned it.” I hear that implied statement way too much, and this article does a beautiful job of addressing the problem.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Women's Issues, lol :)
Warning: This post is pretty off-topic for this blog. I was writing a short synthesis for a class (we do these weekly) and discovered, in the middle of writing, that I actually had something to say. I thought it might be of interest to some of my readers, so it's included below
While going through the assigned readings for this week, I discovered a small, interesting, and disturbing trend of self-censorship and apology from and in relation to women writers. Donald M. Murray notes in “Teaching the Other Self: The Writer’s First Reader” about “what should be left out [of a piece of writing] as well as what should be put in." Murray was not speaking about women writers, but it made me think of trends from the pieces by Juana de la Cruz and Elizabeth A. Flynn, as well as in recent articles I’ve read in the past week, most notably a Huffington Post article titled “A Message to Women From a Man: You Are Not ‘Crazy’” by Yashir Ali.
Flynn’s article, “Composing as a Woman,” opens with a quote from Adrienne Rich’s “Taking Women Students Seriously.” The very title of her piece suggests that women writers are not, by default, taken seriously, and the quote validates this when it advocates “listening and watching … for silences, the absences, the nameless, the unspoken, the encoded—for there we will find the true knowledge of women." Later, Flynn points out that, though women writers have contributed to the global body of literature from its inception, the academic world has failed to adequately research and analyze the voice and impact of women writers. “Women’s perspectives have been suppressed, silenced, marginalized, written out of what counts as authoritative knowledge,” Flynn says, and adds, “Men become the standard against which women are judged."
* * * * *
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| Photo by Nono Fara |
While going through the assigned readings for this week, I discovered a small, interesting, and disturbing trend of self-censorship and apology from and in relation to women writers. Donald M. Murray notes in “Teaching the Other Self: The Writer’s First Reader” about “what should be left out [of a piece of writing] as well as what should be put in." Murray was not speaking about women writers, but it made me think of trends from the pieces by Juana de la Cruz and Elizabeth A. Flynn, as well as in recent articles I’ve read in the past week, most notably a Huffington Post article titled “A Message to Women From a Man: You Are Not ‘Crazy’” by Yashir Ali.
Flynn’s article, “Composing as a Woman,” opens with a quote from Adrienne Rich’s “Taking Women Students Seriously.” The very title of her piece suggests that women writers are not, by default, taken seriously, and the quote validates this when it advocates “listening and watching … for silences, the absences, the nameless, the unspoken, the encoded—for there we will find the true knowledge of women." Later, Flynn points out that, though women writers have contributed to the global body of literature from its inception, the academic world has failed to adequately research and analyze the voice and impact of women writers. “Women’s perspectives have been suppressed, silenced, marginalized, written out of what counts as authoritative knowledge,” Flynn says, and adds, “Men become the standard against which women are judged."
Both Rich and Flynn discuss silence as a major theme of women’s rhetoric (particularly Flynn on page 427 of her paper). It appears again in de la Cruz’s “The Poet’s Answer to the Most Illustrious Sister Filotea de la Cruz,” when she explains her discomfort with her written reply, saying, “if I knew all that I ought, I would not so much as write these words. Yet I protest that I do so only to obey you; and with such misgiving that you owe me … for taking up my pen with all this fear." Though hundreds of years have passed between de la Cruz and Flynn’s work, the thread of women feeling the need to censor and silence themselves appears as strong as ever, both in life and in writing.
Though there may be some interaction between the two, evidence appears strong that this authorial silencing is a product of cultural conditioning, not a cause of it. “No wonder some women are unconsciously passive aggressive when expressing anger, sadness, or frustration,” says Ali in his Huffington Post article. “For years, they have been subjected to so much gaslighting [casual invalidating of authentic emotional experiences] that they can no longer express themselves in a way that feels authentic to them."
This perspective and belief that women as a collective are still falling short of their potential as writers and rhetoricians strikes many men as absurd and over-reactive. When I bring up women’s issues, my boyfriend—normally an open-minded, thoughtful man—becomes exasperated and doesn’t understand what I’m upset about. Many male bloggers, comedians, and other rhetoricians express confusion at feminist anger and demands to be taken seriously. However, as a woman, I understand what the fuss is about. I’ve been subject to odd double standards when it comes to expectations of intellect and behavior. I’ve made opinionated comments in classes and been met with laugher, raised eyebrows, and sidelong remarks about my femininity or ability to be in a relationship (“Remind me never to date you,” comes to mind), and had, moments later, a man in the same class make an even more assertive comment to be met only with thoughtful agreement or disagreement. I’ve had men make comments to me about women’s rights and chivalry as if the two can’t simultaneously exist in the same world. And because of that, I, too, have automatically learned to censor myself.
I fight the desire to be silent, mentioned by de la Cruz, every time I take up my pen against a controversial issue or disturbing trend. Constantly, as I write about emotionally charged political or social issues, whether for a class or on Facebook, I find myself erasing the most honest sentences and replacing them with watered-down versions laden with smiley faces and LOLs. I don’t do this because I truly feel my opinions are too strong or blunt, but because I know that unless I tone things down, I’m going to be perceived as an aggressive, arrogant, man-hating feminazi (though none of those labels are the truth). Unless I water myself down or present my views in ways that are safe, soft, and feminine, I get lumped into the category of Angry Feminists and any male or co-ed audience I might have had stops listening.
Much like members of the Occupy Wall Street movement, I’ve so far managed to raise an issue without coming up with any solutions. But what can be done? Women have tried to push equality before. Politically, we’ve made progress: women can hold almost any job, frequently out-perform men in universities, and are a world away from 1940 in terms of legally protected equal rights. But when it comes to our opinions, we are still told to be silent and well behaved. We are still not allowed to make controversial statements without being lumped into the Angry Feminist box. We are still treated as if we’re sexually unappealing or unfit to be mothers if we don’t tone down our views to make them soft and palatable.
“Women’s experience is not entirely a distorted version of male reality, it is not entirely elusive, and it is worthy of recuperation,” Flynn says at the conclusion of her paper. “We must encourage them to become self-consciously aware of what their experience in the world has been and how this experience is related to the politics of gender." In short, we must find a way to validate and encourage the exploration and expression of female experience, regardless of whether it fits our predefined notions of what it means to be a woman. A society where women are allowed to freely and fully share their opinions and experience without having their femininity or intellectual validity challenged is one I’d like to live in, but I’ll be the first to confess that, despite my hopeful ideals, I’m still not sure how to get there.
Though there may be some interaction between the two, evidence appears strong that this authorial silencing is a product of cultural conditioning, not a cause of it. “No wonder some women are unconsciously passive aggressive when expressing anger, sadness, or frustration,” says Ali in his Huffington Post article. “For years, they have been subjected to so much gaslighting [casual invalidating of authentic emotional experiences] that they can no longer express themselves in a way that feels authentic to them."
 |
| Photo by Sukanto Debnath |
I fight the desire to be silent, mentioned by de la Cruz, every time I take up my pen against a controversial issue or disturbing trend. Constantly, as I write about emotionally charged political or social issues, whether for a class or on Facebook, I find myself erasing the most honest sentences and replacing them with watered-down versions laden with smiley faces and LOLs. I don’t do this because I truly feel my opinions are too strong or blunt, but because I know that unless I tone things down, I’m going to be perceived as an aggressive, arrogant, man-hating feminazi (though none of those labels are the truth). Unless I water myself down or present my views in ways that are safe, soft, and feminine, I get lumped into the category of Angry Feminists and any male or co-ed audience I might have had stops listening.
Much like members of the Occupy Wall Street movement, I’ve so far managed to raise an issue without coming up with any solutions. But what can be done? Women have tried to push equality before. Politically, we’ve made progress: women can hold almost any job, frequently out-perform men in universities, and are a world away from 1940 in terms of legally protected equal rights. But when it comes to our opinions, we are still told to be silent and well behaved. We are still not allowed to make controversial statements without being lumped into the Angry Feminist box. We are still treated as if we’re sexually unappealing or unfit to be mothers if we don’t tone down our views to make them soft and palatable.
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| Photo by pedrosimoes7 |
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Yes, And Presents - #16
Format: Minor project, do it till it's done
Goal: Manifest free stuff
Goal met? And how.
So here's what happened...
I was reading this book (The Trick to Money is Having Some) that had been floating around my parents' house for a while. In one of the early chapters, the author talked about how he'd made a deal with the universe: It would provide for him, and he would accept its gifts graciously. He said that after this decision, he started attracting free stuff--not money, but coupons, gifts, etc.
"Ah!" methought. "Good idea." So I did the same thing. It was pretty simple... I just sent out the intention to gather a bunch of little free presents to myself, and promised that I'd be on the lookout and accept whatever was sent.
Within the next three days, I'd found, lying on the ground:
After that I sort of went, "Awesome! Thanks!" and forgot about trying to focus on this... but little presents keep coming. It's sweet. Literally, in some cases.
Try this:
Set out the intention, yaddi-yadda, you've heard all this before if you read this blog.
The trick is to accept whatever comes. As my favorite fairy godmother says, "You're meant to accept it. Graciously." I've noticed that whenever I'm attempting something like this, as soon as I start getting picky and rejecting things that don't line up just right, the nice things just sorta dry up. And as soon as I'm grateful again, they keep piling on.
Of course, you don't have to take whatever comes if you don't quite want it. I like to play "Yes, And" at that point. "Yes, And" is a theatre/improvisation game, where every time someone introduces anything new to the scene, you have to go with it and build on it. Your scene partner says, "Behold! I come in riding on my purple dragon!" and you go, "Yes! And the dragon has a feather duster for a tail!" and start using the tail to sweep the room up, and the next person has to be okay with that and add something to it.
Here's a video demonstrating the game:
Works great with manifestation, too. Get something that's cool but not quite your thing, and emotionally/mentally respond with "Yes! And you know what would be even cooler? This same thing except orange!" And usually the universe will respond. Not necessarily with something orange, but with something just a little better than what you got before. (Despite all those stories you hear about people manifesting ridiculously specific things, I think for the most part that energy responds to your positive or negative energy, not your demands or specifics. But with lots of good stuff coming your way all the time, the universe is bound to hit the nail on the head a fair bit.)
Give this one a try, folks... Super easy and low-committment, and very rewarding if you tend to be easily pleased. :)
Coming Soon...
Eh, I dunno. Something cool.
Goal: Manifest free stuff
Goal met? And how.
So here's what happened...
I was reading this book (The Trick to Money is Having Some) that had been floating around my parents' house for a while. In one of the early chapters, the author talked about how he'd made a deal with the universe: It would provide for him, and he would accept its gifts graciously. He said that after this decision, he started attracting free stuff--not money, but coupons, gifts, etc.
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| Photo by Terwilliger911 |
Within the next three days, I'd found, lying on the ground:
- quite a bit of loose change
- a buy-a-custard-get-free-fries coupon (actually, I found three of these... must have been a big promotion going on)
- a sno cone buy-9-get-the-10th-free punch card, with 9 holes punched out and the 10th just waiting for me (and when I went to get the free cone, I got a buy-one-get-one-free coupon)
After that I sort of went, "Awesome! Thanks!" and forgot about trying to focus on this... but little presents keep coming. It's sweet. Literally, in some cases.
Try this:
Set out the intention, yaddi-yadda, you've heard all this before if you read this blog.
The trick is to accept whatever comes. As my favorite fairy godmother says, "You're meant to accept it. Graciously." I've noticed that whenever I'm attempting something like this, as soon as I start getting picky and rejecting things that don't line up just right, the nice things just sorta dry up. And as soon as I'm grateful again, they keep piling on.
Of course, you don't have to take whatever comes if you don't quite want it. I like to play "Yes, And" at that point. "Yes, And" is a theatre/improvisation game, where every time someone introduces anything new to the scene, you have to go with it and build on it. Your scene partner says, "Behold! I come in riding on my purple dragon!" and you go, "Yes! And the dragon has a feather duster for a tail!" and start using the tail to sweep the room up, and the next person has to be okay with that and add something to it.
Here's a video demonstrating the game:
Works great with manifestation, too. Get something that's cool but not quite your thing, and emotionally/mentally respond with "Yes! And you know what would be even cooler? This same thing except orange!" And usually the universe will respond. Not necessarily with something orange, but with something just a little better than what you got before. (Despite all those stories you hear about people manifesting ridiculously specific things, I think for the most part that energy responds to your positive or negative energy, not your demands or specifics. But with lots of good stuff coming your way all the time, the universe is bound to hit the nail on the head a fair bit.)
Give this one a try, folks... Super easy and low-committment, and very rewarding if you tend to be easily pleased. :)
Coming Soon...
Eh, I dunno. Something cool.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Update!
Hi, friends. I'm back, after a long hiatus. I shan't bore you with excuses.
Quick updates on life and personal development:
1. The rice... get this... still looks like it does in the last update. I find this totally crazy and awesome and get a huge kick out of walking by the rice and seeing it just like it was months ago. So cool. Our thoughts are powerful.
2. I have a boyfriend. (I know. Weird.) He's amazing. Like, really, very, incredibly, wonderfully amazing. I don't know if it'll last (major differences in beliefs and me being looney tunes and all that), but either way, it's been a beautiful experience and has taught me a lot. More than I wanted to be taught in some cases... but I think that's what I'm secretly after. And anyway, it's all worth it if it means having him in my life. Not to get sappy or anything. (If this does look like it's going to last a while, I'll definitely be doing some bloggy experiments dealing with the relationship. Not on him, of course -- I try to keep my guinea pigging to myself -- but on me and all my weird, irrational views regarding commitment and relationships. Because, seriously, they're messed up.)
3. I'm graduating college in about two months. The only way I can think of to sum that up is !!!!!!!!!!!?! !!!!!!!!! !!!! !! ?!?!?!?!!!!!!! !!!!!!!! ??? ....... !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not sure if I'm more excited, scared, or relieved at the prospect, but my feelings are full of a lot of unnecessary punctuation. I have no idea what's coming next but it's going to be great.
4. This whole being-an-official-grownup-in-two-months thing has done a serious number on my optimism and ambition. I've gotten all stressed about paying bills and making wise career choices and stuff. What is that? Time to recapture that beautiful bubble where the universe takes care of me. Stay tuned for updates.
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| This is one of my happy places. It has nothing to do with anything, which seemed like good enough reason to put it here. |
1. The rice... get this... still looks like it does in the last update. I find this totally crazy and awesome and get a huge kick out of walking by the rice and seeing it just like it was months ago. So cool. Our thoughts are powerful.
2. I have a boyfriend. (I know. Weird.) He's amazing. Like, really, very, incredibly, wonderfully amazing. I don't know if it'll last (major differences in beliefs and me being looney tunes and all that), but either way, it's been a beautiful experience and has taught me a lot. More than I wanted to be taught in some cases... but I think that's what I'm secretly after. And anyway, it's all worth it if it means having him in my life. Not to get sappy or anything. (If this does look like it's going to last a while, I'll definitely be doing some bloggy experiments dealing with the relationship. Not on him, of course -- I try to keep my guinea pigging to myself -- but on me and all my weird, irrational views regarding commitment and relationships. Because, seriously, they're messed up.)
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| Midsommer pic! Best day of the year... And one of many reasons I've been so royally failing to update. Totally worth it. ;) |
3. I'm graduating college in about two months. The only way I can think of to sum that up is !!!!!!!!!!!?! !!!!!!!!! !!!! !! ?!?!?!?!!!!!!! !!!!!!!! ??? ....... !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not sure if I'm more excited, scared, or relieved at the prospect, but my feelings are full of a lot of unnecessary punctuation. I have no idea what's coming next but it's going to be great.
4. This whole being-an-official-grownup-in-two-months thing has done a serious number on my optimism and ambition. I've gotten all stressed about paying bills and making wise career choices and stuff. What is that? Time to recapture that beautiful bubble where the universe takes care of me. Stay tuned for updates.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
The BIG Secret No One Wants To Tell
I watched this video a few days ago. I posted it on Facebook and on an online forum I've been participating in. The response was enormous. Several people told me that the video threw them for a loop. The people on the forum got into one of the most personal discussions about depression and suicide I've seen there. A friend sent the video to her sister, who's been going through some crazy stuff. Another friend said it made her cry. It emboldened me to really consider whether telling my secret will be worth it. And it's worth taking 20 minutes out of your schedule to watch all the way--promise. Like TED says, this is an idea worth spreading.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Manifested Destiny - #15
Goal: Manifest stuff
Goal met? Of course. Quite nicely, too.
So here's what happened:I'm doing this because I need a refresher. I need to be reminded that I can manifest stuff, that I do have some control over the events in my life (as well as how I respond to them), and that there is a higher flow to things, even if I've been washed up on the sidelines lately.
Over the course of the next however-many days (starting today, May 29), I will manifest 10 items, which are free to appear to me in any pleasing form.
- Butterfly: manifested 5/30/11 on a toe ring (see below) while going through old jewelry.
- Feather: manifested 6/1/11 on the ground and a bunch more later when I saw a molting crow who sat and looked at me for a while.
- Watermelon: manifested 5/30/11 in friend's Facebook status: "Nothin like waking up at 3 in the afternoon and eating watermelon for breaky :)" and again on 6/1/11 and 6/2/11 in the grocery store and in a weekly circular.
- Elephant: manifested 6/1/1 when I followed a link on one of my favorite forums and saw this listed among the options, and on 6/2/11 when someone played this video in class.
- Tiger: manifested 6/5/11 in a conversation with my rockin' brother.
- Exotic fruit: manifested 5/31/11 when a bunch of mangoes like I've never seen showed up in my Bountiful Basket.
- Motorcycle: manifested 6/1/11 when I crossed between two motorcycles in a crosswalk.
- Clown: manifested 6/3/11 at this completely awesome website. This one's a scary clown, which is a shame (I love clowns) but the website itself... that guy is my hero. Interestingly, I manifested two circus references before the clown showed up.
- Italy: manifested 6/2/11 in the form of an article request on Italian culture.
- Toe ring: manifested 5/30/11 while going through old jewelry (which I did after I consciously forgot this was on my list). Especially odd becuase I thought I'd lost it, and because it was given to me by a friend who is into manifesting and Law of Attraction.
It's been less than a week, and I've manifested 9 out of 10 things on this list. Some were easier than others--butterflies and watermelon are stalking me now--but others were harder.
The clown's been difficult because I mentally stipulated that it would only make the list if I didn't actively go after it, so, despite lots of exposure to clowns and Cirque du Soleil (I'm obsessed with the music from Alegria right now), I only counted it when it showed up on its own.
The tiger remains elusive, and I suspect this is because I have a definite block there. The tiger is a symbol for a situation that I feel conflicted about right now, and I think that sense of conflict is keeping it from me. On that note, the clown was representative of a situation I was indecisive about, if not conflicted. So... indecision is a small block and ambivalence is a large one? Very enlightening development, this.
June 5
Tiger appeared! My brother mentioned one twice in a conversation with my roommate and I. This was cool, because 1) my brother is awesome, 2) my roommate is awesome, and 3) they're both very honest, chill people, which is exactly the vibe I need when it comes to the symbolic tiger situation.
Booyah.
Tiger appeared! My brother mentioned one twice in a conversation with my roommate and I. This was cool, because 1) my brother is awesome, 2) my roommate is awesome, and 3) they're both very honest, chill people, which is exactly the vibe I need when it comes to the symbolic tiger situation.
Booyah.
Try this:Set the intention to manifest something small. It helps if it's something you feel positively or neutral about, with no traces of anxiety. Common, simple objects are best--consider a feather, a red door, a small white dog, etc. Decide that it will appear in your life in some form (or politely ask the universe to provide it for you) and then sit back and wait until the object shows up.
This exercise is simple, but it's great at reminding you of the power of the law of attraction and/or your own subconscious (however you personally believe this works).
Coming Soon...
Coming Soon...
I have no idea.
In Other News... People are terribly nice. :)
In Other News... People are terribly nice. :)
In Other Other News: Rawr.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Dontcha Wish Your Girlfriend... - #14
Format: 21-day project
Goal: Relate to myself like I would to someone I was in a good relationship with for 21 days.
Goal met? And how.
So here's what happened:I went to get lunch today on campus because I wasn't going to have time to go home between classes/meetings, and I've been skipping meals too much lately. Immediate panic attack: I don't believe in spending money if I can get something cheaper-better elsewhere. But I put my foot down (yes, with myself) and just bought the stupid pizza slice.
Then I saw a girl standing across the checkout from me with two takeout boxes, the other one presumably for a friend/boyfriend/husband. And I realized: If I'd been getting lunch for someone else I cared about, I wouldn't have cared about the cost or value. I'd have just done it and been happy they had a nice lunch.
As a side note, I'm hoping this project will help me get more in tune with a relationship vibe. I haven't been on a real date in way longer than I'd like to admit and haven't been in a relationship in even longer, and while I love being alone, the number of couples around me is increasingly weirding me out and I think I need to get back into the swing of things just to remember what all the fuss is about. My chronic singleness, while enjoyable, is distancing me more than I'd like from the rest of humanity.
Later: I'm noticing a strange duality. All day I've been asking myself what I want or how I'm feeling, and it's like the masculine half is the one doing the asking, then the feminine half does the answering, then the masculine half either takes action to make the feminine half happy, or gently reasons with the feminine half to come up with a better plan of action. Very weird.
Day 2: I'm becoming self-indulgent. Took a two-hour nap after class this morning. Gorgeous.
This way of relating to myself is also making me much less stressed out by... how do I explain this? Certain types of boy tend to gravitate towards me. These are either:
Days 9–12: Holy busy, Batman. Main realization over the last couple of days: I am one foxy nerdy lady, and I feel really lucky that I get to take myself home every night. ;)
Day 13: Apparently the confidence-through-the-roof that being your own girlfriend creates is effective. All day at church today, guys were doing double takes and stopping in the middle of conversations to stare at me. And it wasn't 'cause I had broccoli in my teeth, either. Very strange. I suppose I should've taken the opportunity to flirt or something, but mostly I just felt weird and headed out really fast after the service. But... still. Flattering.
Day 14: Um... someone (a boy someone) used the love word. Which was... Well. That's all I'm saying on that right now. But odd. And the grounded feeling that this experiment is doing a good job at keeping me level-headed about it. So... this is good.
Days 15-16: When my sides get angry at each other, Yin is the first to look like she might be sorry, then Yang is the first to actually apologize, and then they hug. Not literally, of course, but that's the best way I can think of to describe the emotional back-and-forth. These two have actual conversations in my head sometimes. In our head. It's odd.
Day 17: Date night tonight! It's been such a good day, and I want to slow down and enjoy it. So tonight, Yin and Yang are going to come home after rehearsal, ignore homework, eat whatever we darn well please, do whatever we darn well please, and mostly just enjoy each other's company.
I love the duality this experiment has brought up. I love the way it split me into these two halves that can converse and balance each other out. I love the way it brought to light the fact that yes, you can be complete alone, and no, completion doesn't always mean you don't still need other people. Oddly, though I'd hoped this would help me develop a more relationship-friendly attitude, it's mostly just made me more confident that I don't want one right now.
I am my own girlfriend. I'd thought about this idea before (and discussed it with my dear friend Kealeigh), but I wasn't really living it. But now I am. And I will. Because this is awesome.
*hugs self*
*and all of you*
Try this:
Do this experiment. Think of yourself as someone else. You'll feel it out as you go, and only you can figure out what self-love looks like in your own life. But do, because it's wonderful.
Goal: Relate to myself like I would to someone I was in a good relationship with for 21 days.
Goal met? And how.
So here's what happened:I went to get lunch today on campus because I wasn't going to have time to go home between classes/meetings, and I've been skipping meals too much lately. Immediate panic attack: I don't believe in spending money if I can get something cheaper-better elsewhere. But I put my foot down (yes, with myself) and just bought the stupid pizza slice.
Then I saw a girl standing across the checkout from me with two takeout boxes, the other one presumably for a friend/boyfriend/husband. And I realized: If I'd been getting lunch for someone else I cared about, I wouldn't have cared about the cost or value. I'd have just done it and been happy they had a nice lunch.
The obvious conclusion: I don't treat myself like I'd treat someone I love. Even though I do love myself, quite a lot. I think the issue is that I know what I can handle--I know that skipping lunch wouldn't have done more than given me a headache and maybe low energy. But I never know what other people can handle, or if they're just being polite when they say they're okay with [whatever], so I go the extra mile to make sure they're happy and comfortable.
So here's the plan: For the next 21 days, I am going to endeavor to treat myself the way I'd treat someone I was in a healthy friendship/relationship with. (Ties into the idea of self-marriage, which I quite like.) All the time. No exceptions. Wish me luck.
Day 1: Bought a pizza slice. Big freaking deal, right? But certain courses may foreshadow certain ends... *dun dun dun*
Day 1: Bought a pizza slice. Big freaking deal, right? But certain courses may foreshadow certain ends... *dun dun dun*
As a side note, I'm hoping this project will help me get more in tune with a relationship vibe. I haven't been on a real date in way longer than I'd like to admit and haven't been in a relationship in even longer, and while I love being alone, the number of couples around me is increasingly weirding me out and I think I need to get back into the swing of things just to remember what all the fuss is about. My chronic singleness, while enjoyable, is distancing me more than I'd like from the rest of humanity.
Later: I'm noticing a strange duality. All day I've been asking myself what I want or how I'm feeling, and it's like the masculine half is the one doing the asking, then the feminine half does the answering, then the masculine half either takes action to make the feminine half happy, or gently reasons with the feminine half to come up with a better plan of action. Very weird.
Day 2: I'm becoming self-indulgent. Took a two-hour nap after class this morning. Gorgeous.
This way of relating to myself is also making me much less stressed out by... how do I explain this? Certain types of boy tend to gravitate towards me. These are either:
- awkward guys who think I'm pretty but who become monosyllabic drones when I talk to them;
- 30-year-olds who still think they're 19, who have been single long enough to develop the guts to say "Hey beautiful" twelve times a day, and haven't been single long enough to realize that this doesn't work;
- guys who date me for my hair (this actually happens);
- guys who just like a challenge; or
- guys who become fixated on me because a) I'm a girl nerd, b) they have somehow envisioned me as a video game character, or c) they have this idea that I can be their maiden of Camelot with alabaster skin and flowing tresses, yaddi-yadda; i.e., I am apparently a good blank slate for general fantasy fulfillment. What can I say? I contain a multitude of archetypes.
Day 3: Apparently I like it when my girlfriend looks good. Since I started this I've been much more attentive to my appearance, because my "male"/assertive/yang half appreciates it. I'm wearing nail polish and makeup and stuff. Bizarre. (I should clarify something here... My yang half does not care about perfection or traditional cosmetically-enhanced "feminine beauty". We see images of women in the media that are perfectly beautiful, and I tend to find that sad and repulsive before I find it beautiful. The thing my yang half finds attractive is visual interest. Colors, movement, curves, artistic touches... it likes visually expressed creative playfulness.)
Day 4: Didn't focus much on this today. I'm having a weird thing with food, which I'll be doing an experiment on in a couple of weeks. Also, this whole duality thing does not keep me from missing human contact.
Day 5: Today was exhausting. I told myself yesterday that I needed to stop taking naps, but today I got home from rehearsal and it was nice to be able to have the one side go, "But I said I wasn't going to nap!" and then the other side say, as it would to someone else, "Um, hi, you're on the verge of a breakdown. Sleep." It's like being my own mother. (Where exactly does this fit in the Oedipal scheme of things...?)
Day 6: On that note, Happy Mother's Day. My family basically postponed Mother's Day, so I stayed home and was incredibly self-indulgent. (Self-indulgent: spend the entire day sewing and watching Star Trek. There are few sweeter joys.)
Day 7: Felt like crap and didn't give a single thought to this experiment.
Day 8: BLAAAAAAAAAAAH. Felt like crap again, but figured out why. Most of this paragraph is going to consist of TMI for any men reading this, so skip if you don't want to hear about it. I've been on birth control for the past few years as a hormone/cycle regulation (10 days on, 12 days off, 10 days on, ladies--not fun) and went off it about a year ago. Since then my body's been adjusting to its own natural rhythms, which, it appears, include PMS. I'd forgotten what the whole wanting-to-cut-out-my-own-uterus thing was like... The upshot is that it's given me a real opportunity to baby myself and not feel guilty about it.
Day 4: Didn't focus much on this today. I'm having a weird thing with food, which I'll be doing an experiment on in a couple of weeks. Also, this whole duality thing does not keep me from missing human contact.
Day 5: Today was exhausting. I told myself yesterday that I needed to stop taking naps, but today I got home from rehearsal and it was nice to be able to have the one side go, "But I said I wasn't going to nap!" and then the other side say, as it would to someone else, "Um, hi, you're on the verge of a breakdown. Sleep." It's like being my own mother. (Where exactly does this fit in the Oedipal scheme of things...?)
Day 6: On that note, Happy Mother's Day. My family basically postponed Mother's Day, so I stayed home and was incredibly self-indulgent. (Self-indulgent: spend the entire day sewing and watching Star Trek. There are few sweeter joys.)
Day 7: Felt like crap and didn't give a single thought to this experiment.
Day 8: BLAAAAAAAAAAAH. Felt like crap again, but figured out why. Most of this paragraph is going to consist of TMI for any men reading this, so skip if you don't want to hear about it. I've been on birth control for the past few years as a hormone/cycle regulation (10 days on, 12 days off, 10 days on, ladies--not fun) and went off it about a year ago. Since then my body's been adjusting to its own natural rhythms, which, it appears, include PMS. I'd forgotten what the whole wanting-to-cut-out-my-own-uterus thing was like... The upshot is that it's given me a real opportunity to baby myself and not feel guilty about it.
Days 9–12: Holy busy, Batman. Main realization over the last couple of days: I am one foxy nerdy lady, and I feel really lucky that I get to take myself home every night. ;)
Day 13: Apparently the confidence-through-the-roof that being your own girlfriend creates is effective. All day at church today, guys were doing double takes and stopping in the middle of conversations to stare at me. And it wasn't 'cause I had broccoli in my teeth, either. Very strange. I suppose I should've taken the opportunity to flirt or something, but mostly I just felt weird and headed out really fast after the service. But... still. Flattering.
Day 14: Um... someone (a boy someone) used the love word. Which was... Well. That's all I'm saying on that right now. But odd. And the grounded feeling that this experiment is doing a good job at keeping me level-headed about it. So... this is good.
Days 15-16: When my sides get angry at each other, Yin is the first to look like she might be sorry, then Yang is the first to actually apologize, and then they hug. Not literally, of course, but that's the best way I can think of to describe the emotional back-and-forth. These two have actual conversations in my head sometimes. In our head. It's odd.
Day 17: Date night tonight! It's been such a good day, and I want to slow down and enjoy it. So tonight, Yin and Yang are going to come home after rehearsal, ignore homework, eat whatever we darn well please, do whatever we darn well please, and mostly just enjoy each other's company.
Day 18: So... date night didn't happen last night. I got home from rehearsal and just slept. Date night was tonight. TV and mani/pedi time. It was lush, and I felt like I was spending my time in a worthwhile way, because I was nurturing myself. It's almost as satisfying as nurturing a pet, which is saying a lot.
On another note, I had a great conversation with my grandma today. My grandpa passed away last year, and while it's been hard for her, I get the impression that she's been able to get back in touch with herself, and it's brought a new level of decisiveness and self-nurturing to her that I've never seen before. If and when I get into a "relationship," I want to hold onto the conscious self-awareness I'm experiencing now.
Day 19: Glorious Sunday and its lack of classes. Been lazy today (major relief after the last two weeks of go-go-go) and while I feel slightly guilty about not accomplishing anything, including stuff I want to do just for me, I've got this weird back-and-forth going on where my sides are both validating each other's decision to be lazy, even if they can't validate their own. This could become a vicious cycle, but it's sort of just nice right now. And if we do end up being productive later, it'll be a relief to give into our mutual guilt and commiserate over that. (One can commiserate with oneself. It's kinda cool.)
Day 20: Spent the evening with some of my favorite people. (I'm related to them.) It was great. Didn't think about this experiment at all. Was more concerned with thinking about my cat (I'm sort of related to her). But I don't really need to think about this anymore. It just kinda is what it is, and I love it.
Day 21: Today, I did not go buy a donut, because, though that would have been awesome and satisfied a craving, the only donuts in walking distance were crap and I deserve better than that. So tonight I'm going to go home and make apple pastries for date night. We start with food, we end with food. (Date night, by the way, is awesome and will be happening frequently from here on out.)
This is the end of this experiment, folks, but not the end of this way of relating to myself. I've loved this, and I'm so much kinder to myself than I was a month ago. Consciously kind. Consciously sympathetic. Consciously loving.
On another note, I had a great conversation with my grandma today. My grandpa passed away last year, and while it's been hard for her, I get the impression that she's been able to get back in touch with herself, and it's brought a new level of decisiveness and self-nurturing to her that I've never seen before. If and when I get into a "relationship," I want to hold onto the conscious self-awareness I'm experiencing now.
Day 19: Glorious Sunday and its lack of classes. Been lazy today (major relief after the last two weeks of go-go-go) and while I feel slightly guilty about not accomplishing anything, including stuff I want to do just for me, I've got this weird back-and-forth going on where my sides are both validating each other's decision to be lazy, even if they can't validate their own. This could become a vicious cycle, but it's sort of just nice right now. And if we do end up being productive later, it'll be a relief to give into our mutual guilt and commiserate over that. (One can commiserate with oneself. It's kinda cool.)
Day 20: Spent the evening with some of my favorite people. (I'm related to them.) It was great. Didn't think about this experiment at all. Was more concerned with thinking about my cat (I'm sort of related to her). But I don't really need to think about this anymore. It just kinda is what it is, and I love it.
Day 21: Today, I did not go buy a donut, because, though that would have been awesome and satisfied a craving, the only donuts in walking distance were crap and I deserve better than that. So tonight I'm going to go home and make apple pastries for date night. We start with food, we end with food. (Date night, by the way, is awesome and will be happening frequently from here on out.)
This is the end of this experiment, folks, but not the end of this way of relating to myself. I've loved this, and I'm so much kinder to myself than I was a month ago. Consciously kind. Consciously sympathetic. Consciously loving.
I love the duality this experiment has brought up. I love the way it split me into these two halves that can converse and balance each other out. I love the way it brought to light the fact that yes, you can be complete alone, and no, completion doesn't always mean you don't still need other people. Oddly, though I'd hoped this would help me develop a more relationship-friendly attitude, it's mostly just made me more confident that I don't want one right now.
I am my own girlfriend. I'd thought about this idea before (and discussed it with my dear friend Kealeigh), but I wasn't really living it. But now I am. And I will. Because this is awesome.
*hugs self*
*and all of you*
Try this:
Do this experiment. Think of yourself as someone else. You'll feel it out as you go, and only you can figure out what self-love looks like in your own life. But do, because it's wonderful.
Coming Soon... Enjoying life, goshdarnit. (Probably not wanton hedonism... but a little hedonism.) And maybe something with religion. If you have any ideas, send 'em this way.
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